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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Ex partner issues

13 replies

HLH9 · 20/01/2018 16:12

Hi,

My Husband and I would definitely like children one day. We haven't been married too long so we want to wait a little, but it's something we would both love. My SS would also love a sibling. He has been asking for ages!

The problem is, he recently told us his mother has been saying that any child we have won't be his proper brother or sister because they're not from her. He has looked forward to the possibility of having siblings for so long that we hate the thought of her trying to put a downer on it for him, making it something negative when it's definitely not.

We spoke to him about it and said they will be his brothers and sisters and he won't need to refer to them as just "half siblings". My husband has half brothers but never refers to them as that. They're just his brothers.

Do you think it's worth my husband mentioning this to his ex partner? Not to have a go, but to say there's no need to turn it into a negative situation for their son. Or shall he leave it and just reassure him when his mother does stay stuff. He's not sure how to handle it.

Thanks!

OP posts:

swingofthings · 20/01/2018 16:41

How old is your SS? How do you know what she said exactly? When my children dad's partner was pregnant, it's actually my DS who asked me whether the child would be their full sibling as someone had said at school that they wouldn't be, so I explained to him the difference between his sister and that new baby from a biological perspective, and why they would be his 'half' sibling, but that in his heart, they would be just the same.

Who knows what he said I told him, but if my ex had contacted me to give me a lecture, I would have very annoyed. By the way, I always refer to the child (who I think is lovely) as their sister.

Original poster

HLH9 · 20/01/2018 17:00

He's 9. He told us what she said. She has actually said it to my husband before so I wouldn't be surprised if SS is right in what he's saying. We just didn't expect her to start saying it to their son. He's not going to ring her to give her a lecture at all. He never does. He was just thinking of asking what has been said in case it has been taken the wrong way

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 20/01/2018 17:27

I wouldn’t ring the EW. You can’t control what she says (even though it might not be right). By ringing her she’ll know you are riled and it may stir things. She’s entitled to her opinion (which I don’t agree with BTW).

You can control what’s said in your home and on your time. I would speak to the son and explain how you would like the sibling referred to.

debbs77 · 20/01/2018 17:49

My own mum said the same about my children and my children live together!!!

debbs77 · 20/01/2018 17:51

My own mum said the same about my children and my children live together!!!

Toffeelatteplease · 20/01/2018 17:55

Id turn it round.

You're mum is right you will be half siblings but that's just a different type of siblings. Its a bit like frosties and cheerios they may be different but you'd still say your having your cereal in the morning both are proper cereals.

Original poster

HLH9 · 20/01/2018 17:57

Toffeelatteplease - Aww that's cute, made me smile! Thank you :)

OP posts:

Starlight2345 · 20/01/2018 18:01

I would not argue with what she says . Say yes if we did he/ she is correct however it will connect you all together .

MidnightExpress1 · 20/01/2018 19:07

My ex said this to ds when he was younger and I was expecting dd. Was horrible because ds was never going to have a “full” sibling but his attitude is totally different now ex has had a baby.

Biglettuce · 21/01/2018 00:23

As long as you keep talking to SS it’ll be fine. They will find their own way and own bond when you do have a kid. Expect it not to be totally plain sailing though- he’ll be a teenager when the baby arrives and that’s a big age gap.

SandyY2K · 21/01/2018 00:37

Don't contact the Ex. Just tell SS ...it will be his proper sibling ... as they will both have the same dad.

LoverOfCake · 21/01/2018 11:43

I would just explain that while obviously it’s biologically true that any other children his dad has will only be half siblings, they will still be related and there is no need to refer to them as half siblings if that’s not what he wants.

I wouldn’t give it too much thought though tbh as as a PP said he will be a teenager by the time you have any more children if you do have any more, and no relationship with that level of age gap is guaranteed half siblings or otherwise.

And I would also say that there are no guarantees that there will be any siblings anyway so he should put the idea out of his head for now as it is.

I wouldn’t be indulging a nine year old asking for a sibling tbh. Maybe once I would say “yes maybe one day,” if that is in your future plans, but other than that I would say that those kinds of discussions are between grownups, and if you give it too much head space there is going to be a lot of disappointment all round if e.g. you are unable to conceive or it doesn’t happen for any other reason.

Candlelights · 21/01/2018 14:29

I wouldn't get into arguments with DSS or his mum about whether a sibling is a full sibling or a half one. She's right of course that it's actually a half sibling. And you're right too that that's not a reason they can't be close. Be aware that the ex is probably hurting because she'd assumed at some point in the past that she'd be the one to give DSS a sibling. Instead she's likely to be nothing to do with this new sibling that DSS gets and will feel sad and excluded. Just leave her be, and enjoy sharing your new family with DSS. But he'll need to grasp too that this new excitement is something his mum is not a part of.

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