OH's children: I am not sure how much more I can take

[Forkhandles66]

OH has two teenage boys, 15 and 18. I do not have children. I am having real trouble coping with their behaviour and desperately want to find a way through this.

I'll just list what they do and try to be as objective about it as possible to give a clear picture of what happens. They constantly complain and are rude to their DF and me. They don't eat what I prepare, turn up late and don't tell us they are not coming, then raid the cupboards for pot noodles. They won't try anything new that they haven't had before, even if it's potatoes done differently. Their moods change within minutes and they walk into rooms and snap at us. The 15 year old calls me all sorts of names (fat, brainless, stupid, idiot etc) under the guise of humour, but after a while and having it every day, the humour has gone for me. They complain we don't involve them in what we do, but they have never accepted any invite to join us in anything we do, from going round the shops in the city, days out, sport, nothing. We ask them what they would like to do and they say nothing interests them. If we see something on TV or something comes up in conversation, we try and bring them in, they scoff and say they're not interested and walk out. The other evening we were remembering something funny that used to be on TV a few years ago, we brought it up on youtube and called over the 15 year old to have a look too, he walked off and said "I'm not interested in your old rubbish".

If I ask how their day as been, they mumble. If they hear my DP and I discussing a topic, say something on the news, and I offer an opinion or speak from experience, they always try to undermine me and argue against me in a horrible way. For example, I have migraines and had one the other evening and my DP and I were discussing it, he was taking care of me. The sons rolled their eyes and asked what's wrong with me, so I told them, they rolled their eyes again and so I said "just like you, when you get migraines" (the 15 year old does). He said "I don't find them a big deal like you". Which is amusing since he has whole days in bed off school through his migraines and complains of severe pain when he does.

I have tried so hard. I get on great with children and looked forward to getting to know them when I met my DP. This has been such a disappointment, but I have tried to park it and see it for what it is, and make the best of it. But it's every day and it's grinding me down. They bring no delight to me and I now almost cower at the thought of them staying here or coming round.

Of course my DP is upset at what they do, has had soft words of encouragement, harsh words of telling them off for their stinking attitude. They just argue back and sometimes they might get better for a day, but in a flash it all changes and they're back to being rude. They have said they don't think they are being rude and they don't have to like what we like. Of course, we're not saying they have to like what we like, but they have no interest in anything at all except looking at their phones. There is no conversation, no interest in the world around them, no curiosity about anything, just personal insults, moods, arguments and they butt into discussions that are about, let's say music, that isn't what they like and criticise us and it non-stop.

I can't bear it any more.

My point is the 10 yr old and 13 yr old have become like this for a reason.

Not necessarily OPs fault but the parents have let this develop and not controlled it. The 18 yr old too late now but something ahs gone on or not gone on for them to have become like this.

How was their behaviour growing up? I have noticed that some parents accommodate kids being rude when young saying "they are only kids" and expect them to respectful when they are teens or older.

I recently decided to step away from a man I loved just because his kids appeared to be the ones in charge and him acting like he's the child, all in the bid to make them happy. He would go with whatever they said. If they complained abt something, he would abandon that thing to make them happy. I guess what am saying is some kids grow up behaving a certain way (parents defending certain behaviours) and in the long run, it becomes a problem. Maybe apply neutral territory thing again.

The “teenage” thing is used far too often to excuse horrible behaviour. I left home within a month of turning 18 and would never have wanted to be cruel to someone like that at 15, just to gratify my bad mood. They are essentially inexperienced adults (15 is old enough to know better) and should be treated that way. Our society is ruining the young by excusing this sort of behaviour and putting it down to age. Btw This is coming from a 20 year old so I’m not trying to say all young people are brats, but those boys are utter narcissists.

Hang on, "their parents split up over 5 years ago" and "I got to know their DF over 5 years after their parents split".

How recently have you and their DF been living together? Doesn't excuse their behaviour, but if it's recent, then that is an absolutely enormous change in their lives, over which they had no control.

nocoolnamesleft I'm being vague as I really don't want to out the family/me. The parents split up over 5 years ago, I had nothing to do with the split and have come on the scene several years later and we've been living together for nearly a couple of years.

This weekend I was so sad again. There has been only one occasion in all the whole time I have known them where we have done something together. They complain if we invite them to join on us anywhere we go, they complain if we ask them what they would like to do and say they just want to be left alone, then when we had a big chat with them to try and sort all this out, they complained that their father and I do things together.

They seem to be so jealous of he and I and the interesting things we get up to, yet they are invited and urged to share with us in all of it, and we have said we will do things and take them where they would like to go similarly so. But they say there's nothing they want to do, and this is backed up by their general attitude, which is no interest or curiosity about anything. This is so peculiar for me, as when I was a child my brothers and sisters and I were interested in everything, car journeys were full of conversation, we wanted to see and do lots, and we talked with adults all the time. These children put headphones on in the car and stare at their mobiles, and the only time I've had a long conversation with one of the boys is when the youngest was so hurt by his brother's behaviour towards him.

So this weekend: grunts and "yeah", "no" answers to about 10 attempts to start a conversation. Then silence. There is an event we are planning which will provide a lot of opportunity and pleasure for others we are involving, including the boys, and we did everything to involve them in the planning of it at the weekend. Nothing. We came back from an appointment concerning it and called in the 15 year old to take a look at a 5 minute video about it, thinking it would fire him up, but he moaned and moaned that he doesn't want to see, his Dad said nicely hey, just see this it's amazing etc., and seconds later we looked up and he was gone. He'd left the room. He did this over Christmas when we had friends round and were all sharing laughter looking at things. It was the same "I am not interested in your old rubbish" line. Just like the food, he doesn't give anything a go, has no interested at all. None of our nieces and nephews are like this, so it's not a generational thing. This empty-like attitude they have just kills me.

Do they try things on their own? Would they go on father son days (without you)? What r their interests/hobbies? R u saying they don’t have any? Or that they just won’t do things with you and your DP?

The parents split up over 5 years ago, I had nothing to do with the split and have come on the scene several years later and we've been living together for nearly a couple of years
So doing maths, it sounds like they had 2-3 years alone with their dad, then you came into the picture, and within a year, you'd moved in and suddenly, everything become 'we'.

I suspect the issue is that they want to do things with their dad, and their dad only, like they used and they want their dad to be the one suggesting it rather than him making plans with you and then asking them if they want to join (when it's things they probably do not care about). They don't answer when asked because they probably think that their dad should know what they'd enjoy doing, but they would want to do these things with him only and not you.

It's a tough adjustment as a kid to go from having a dad solely dedicated to you, activities arranged around you, same with food cooked, conversation etc... and suddenly, they are expected to fit in within new dynamics. Suddenly most conversations have nothing to do with them nor plans etc...

I think you need to step away and let their dad deal with their cry for attention.

I’m thinking the same as swing. Unless their parents just never properly invested any time or effort in the family and they’ve never really done things together so it feels really odd to them that u r pushing them to do it now and they just don’t get it. Did they do things together before u met their dad? If not I’d just drop the attempts to plan outings and let their dad spend time trying to reconnect with them on a day to day basis. The rudeness isn’t excuseable tho.

No, they won't do anything with their Dad alone either. We've tried all that. He suggests, I have nothing to do with it, every opportunity under the sun for them to do things with him and we get the same answer: no, they don't want to, no they have no interest in it, no there's nothing they want to do.

As hard as it is for anybody to get their head round, and as hard as it is for me, I have two teenagers here who aren't interested in anything that has anything to do with their family members (here or at their mother's). No interest in the news, in tv, in knowing about music that isn't on their spotify list, in going anywhere at all ever except the local shopping centre with their friends, no interest in amazing opportunities which other kids jump at, no interest in the outdoors, non interest in the indoors, no interest in food, concerts, festivals, gadgets, no interest in anything they do at school, no sport, etc.

They're just empty, rude robots.

Did their parents never take them out anywhere as kids?