advice RE horrific custody case.

[user256789]

I fucking hate the British child court system!!

I cannot stand how they automatically side with Mothers even when the father has had on average 3 nights a week plus 3 nursery drops off's each week since daughter was 1 (now 4).

Mother has been awful! stalking, bitterness, money grabbing, sulking and dictating (after we bought a new house). Took husband to court because he would not accept the reduction she imposed after the reduction in child maintenance (he was overpaying by hundreds and I think a lot of bitterness over split still from her side).

He has spent the last few months trying to communicate politely to resolve matter (over email, face to face and even mediation), all have failed. She refused and stated she would report him for harassment.

She has now reduced his already pitiful 8 nights (1 and a half days each week) a month access to 6 and the court are likely to go through with it because we live 15 miles away and the 25 minute journey in the car is too much for a school run. Takes her 20 mins to bloody cycle!! All this even after the cafcass report advised maximising access with dad (more than current set up of 8 nights).

Jesus, how can a court make judgements like this when they know absolutely nothing about the families, child or previous set up? They just follow minimum access for fathers frame work.

The worst bit is I just feel so sorry for the little one. She already asks to stay longer every weekend, says she does'nt want to go home and cries almost every single time she is dropped off back home (mother knows this).

I think we are all just going to miss her, she's part of our family unit and its disappearing against hers and ours will.

Used to be very good friends with mother and very much liked her before this. we got on well. not sure why she has allowed it to get to this point and dragged us through solicitors and court?

Rant over. apologies.

I feel your pain.

My OH has court ordered contact, the mother said if the dad dared leave him he wouldn’t see the kids again.

For 2 years she controlled and dictated contact and broke my OH (I met him much later). After 2 years he took her to court. He just gets EOW and half of holidays. She doesn’t ‘allow’ a minute more. She hasn’t done one pick up or drop off in over 5 years (she views contact as the dads benefit, it’s an inconvenience for her). My OH has asked for a night in the week or to keep them EOW in a Sunday and he drops them at school but she refused (took her 3 mins via email to think about that). We also live 15 miles apart.

Women who use children as weapons and to control and get back at dads are in my humble opinion disgusting individuals.

My OH plans to take her back to court this year to ask for more access. No doubt another fight.

Stay strong.

But the court has not made any judgement fod if I read this correctly the matter has not yet bern to court.
Child maintenance is regulated so I dont understand how he has over paid by hundreds of pounds.
The courts fo not follow minimum access for fathers.
I just think your angry over the whole issue and its hard to see things straight when your in the middle of it.

Posh it has been to court but a desicion was not reached so we need to go back for a second hearing.

we have been advised that is very likely he will only recieve fri to sun EOW by the mediator and her solicitor.

My partner's solicitor advised that we were likely to get every Wednesday night and every other weekend.

I think the problem is, he has gone from seeing his daughter 5 days a week to 2. We thought this was temporary and going to be sorted via the pre-mediation in court, no such luck. instead, it has become even less!

Partner has been having daughter for 2 years on average 3 nights a week but did not inform the CSA of this as mother said she was in a tight spot so he was paying as if he wasn't having daughter any nights. he also paid £170 each month on top for child care for 6 months to help out. as I said all was well before this hissy fit so he didn't feel he needed to cover himself so to speak. silly in hindsight.

I don't know, think its just pessimism but mediator and her solicitor seemed pretty confident this would be the case.

Its all very sad, like I said I actually really liked her mum before this, but horrid side she has shown has made the last 6 month fucking awful.

Northern, thanks muchly.

sorry to hear you are in the same situation. but also comforting knowing we're not the only ones.

It really is one of those situations that you have no idea how negatively impact your life until you are in it.

I would never have thought things would be this bad. It is odd because I am very aware she has is not my child but I have a different sort of love for her and I just find it so unjust, especially as I have my own daughter and would never dream of causing this hoohar.

I would like to add that her mother is a good mother and her daughter loves her very much, its just she loves her dad equally and loves being with him and would like more time (mum has agreed this is the case). i just think she is very old fashioned in her reasoning for denying access.

I cannot imagine any child when grown, stating they were really happy their mum stopped them staying over on weekdays in order to save 10-15 mins in the morning at the expense of a meaningful relationship with both parents.

am I being over sensitive, I cant fucking tell any more.

It does sound hard but the court hasn’t made a decision.

Why do you live a 25 minute drive away from school?

“Overpaying” maintenance and “money grabbing” is subjective: CSA is not a maximum. Your OH thought cutting maintenance was reasonable, his ex obviously didn’t. Not that cutting contact is a reasonable response.

What are her stated reasons for reducing contact?

apologies for the f*ckins. I will refrain in future posts.

Ignore what HER solicitor says and what the mediator says. Her solicitor will say anything she is paid or told to say by the EW. The mediator has no say or legal standing.

Judges are very pro contact now. They rarely reduce contact. The mother wound have to prove how reducing contact is in the children’s best interests. Children have a right to see the NRP.

Seeing things like this really upsets me. My DD's dad doesn't want to know, & she used to ask about him constantly.

Seeing that some parents are willing to emotionally torment their kids to get one over on an ex makes me want to shake them!!

Dozzer,

Money grabbing bit stems from the fact that this whole hoohar started because she was annoyed we had bought a 'big new house' and insisted we buy all new furniture (we already had some but was a toddler bed). My partner told her we couldnt afford it that month but would get it ASAP. She then kicked off the next day stating we have money to go out for dinners ect and buy new house.

My partner then suggested he use overpayment he was paying to buy the bedroom furniture and she just went MAD! Called up the CSA and told them he had been underpaying (he paid £450 a month csa- should have been £490 but she agreed as he was over paying £140 and £170 child care it didnt matter and he got a huge bill! we also but shoes.clothes,coats ect.

anyway, access reduced that day with no discussion and has been hell ever since.

To be honest, I can't tell anymore whether she is doing it because she genuinely believes it's in the best interests of her daughter or because she can?

I don't know, everybody is different, I suppose if I look at it from her POV she may think its right, but the behavior that goes with it and denying her daughter more time even when she is screaming and asking to stay, just makes me think otherwise.

I also find it hard because I really do not see myself as having any more right over my daughter than her dad and for the most part, let her go when she wants on top of the minimum and hes an idiot. Then there is my partner who is just beyond amazing dad and possibly looking at 4 nights a month? where is the bloody justice?

Northern, He is self-representing and seeking to advise as and when so it's scary when we do not know the law inside out.

But thank you, just want it done and what will be will be but heartbreaking looking at my partner, he doesn't deserve it, neither does his bubba.

I agree that the family court system is fucked, but I’m coming at it from the other side. Court so stuck in ‘every other weekend half of holidays’ cycle that they ignore safeguarding issues stating that they are minimised by this short contact and the fact that they have a stable home life at primary home. Dad strangling assaulting emotionally abusing me and his older daughter apparently has no bearing on his 4 year old.
But if you asked ExH’s current victim girlfriend she’d tell you that I’m the evil ex wife trying to reduce contact for no reason, so I read your posts with a pinch of salt. Yes, I’m bitter!

Mooey,

I get what you're saying, but that's the point. it isn't about her or you, it's about the child and when the dad is just as capable and has never been aggressive, violent or abusive it's hard to swallow that.

My ex is an idiot, girlfriend hates me because ive just started claiming CSA for the first time in 7 years. couldnt care less, not about me. it's about children, im not about to stop access.

its revenge seeking and not putting childs best interest first (though understand why people feel this way). ex's are shit.

Mooey, just read that back. sorry if sounded aggressive, I mean no offense. just pissed off with the whole thing. Want to get on with my life.

we tried to stop parent to parent handovers because its so bloody traumatic with the crying and she refused. what is that about?

also, I see where you personally are coming from in your situation. Iwould not want to hand child over either.

OP my OH now represent himself in court.

She breached a couple of times last year, stopped him seeing the children. e.g. she stopped both children seeing their dad as one DSC had a 1 hour party to go to. He had said he would take DSS but she stopped contact. A judge told her that the children seeing their dad was a priority and if she stopped or reduced contact again he would ‘take the children off her and they would live with the dad’!

Tell your OH not to worry. Judges are very accommodating for those self repping.

These women are so emotionally damaged they will hurt their own children to punish the EX.

Northern, thank you so much, you have made me feel less insane!

It really is so strange because you never imagine being so involved with an ex. I don't want to know the ins and outs, all I care is how my relationship is and so I find myself questioning whether I am insane as well- Battle of the women so to speak.

I try to remain kind but Jesus, she has more control over my life than my mother did at 16. It's a hard pill to swallow. You think its no big deal at first, you accept child and ex but really you have no idea the impact the bitter ex has. I didnt choose her, i just fell in love with a man that did. Leaves your screwed one way or another .

I was the same as you OP. I watched my OH (a real mans man and alpha male) reduced to tears when he wasn’t ‘allowed’ to see his own children. She wouldn’t ‘let’ the dad she one of the kids for an hour last year on her birthday because it wasn’t a contact day (despite a judge writing into their contact order that the dad was to be able to see the children on their birthdays.

These women are so damaged they can’t see through their own bitterness.

I used to get a sinking feeling in my stomach when my OH said she had been in touch. It was normally a vitriolic email.

Now, I don’t give her any space in my head. She doesn’t deserve it. My friends have values, morals and are honest. She displays none of these things. Bide your time. My OH was only ‘allowed’ to ring the children 3 x per week at a specific time. If he knew he was unable to call (usually stuck in work) he would ask if he could ring at another time (one tone 5 mins after the ‘designated’ time). She would always say no. Now the oldest has a mobile phone (which my OH pays for) and the kids ring when they want. The mother can’t control this.

It does get better. For your own mental health don’t let her get to you.

Northern, you sound like women i would get on with!

Thank you for taking the time to reply, you really have helped.

I have asked Mumsnet to delete a thread because i think i may have given slightly to much info away and can be easily recognised. Really wouldn't want to rock the boat any more.

Thank you all, you have all helped :D

You are welcome OP. So many angry woman in mumsnet SM bashing when all we try to do is our best.

The children have a right to see the dad. Keep that in mind. Good luck. Hope it all works out for you x

Yeah for stepmums northern and User25. Lovely to read a thread showing what kind supportive child-centred people most sm are. !
Just to keep you positive OP, we spent a decade in and out of court with a similarly angry, manipulative and selfish mother to my dsc. We self represented all the way. Including an application to move overseas with her new husband. It's hard work but ultimately we found the judge/s to be kind, helpful and fair . TBH we didn't 'win' at every turn, because my DH got into the whole 'battle' mindset and didn't always put dcs front and centre - however this is where judge was excellent as they ALWAYS put dcs first. Ultimately -after a lot of threats, attempts at alienation etc. Older Dcs had enough and told the court that they wanted to live with us. We have had them for three years now and the younger ones EOW. (We are an hour away and they are at secondary school - so not practical midweek).

My advice is be consistent. Don't ever let them think you/DH will give up. Children need to know that there is no point where they are not worth fighting for.

"Child maintenance is regulated so I dont understand how he has over paid by hundreds of pounds."

That's not quite the case. There is a minimum figure that the government will act on via CSA. But paying for your DC should be in accordance with your means (hopelessly romanticised and over-optimistic view here) not limited by the government minimum.

But that's nit really relevant here at all, is it?

Children aren't 'pay per view'

User, is the main issue that frustrates you is the fact that he might lose out the amount of contact he currently has and that the reason put forward is the journey?

You said you bought a new house so is it her dad who moved further away? I moved 12 miles away from my ex but he didn't have mid-week visits, it was however one day every week-end and I did all the travelling.

That alone was quite demanding on the kids and I would have had an issue with them going there mid-week. You say that it's 25 minutes, but it takes me 30 minutes to do the 12 miles by the time we park and that's when there is no traffic. In the rush hour in the morning, it would probably take about 45 minutes at best. You say it takes her 20 minutes to cycle, do you mean DD cycles to school at 4? Surely that's not every day?

I do sympathise with your OH fully as it's really hard to lose contact time, but the court are not interested in the interest of the parents but that of the child and if I was a judge, based on my experience (kids are now teenagers), I wouldn't think this travelling mid-week at that age was in their best interest.