I just don't like my 7YO stepdaughter

[PeppersTheCat]

I've tried for two years now. When she's due to visit, the feeling of dread is real. She's so overbearing, follows me around my home (even to the toilet), shrieks all the time (she's so loud), is rough with my baby, and doesn't know the meaning of privacy. She is manipulative, rude to adults and children alike, bosses everyone around. I have 3 bio children of my own and none of them have been like this. My bio kids are quiet and placid, so SD's behaviour is foreign and overwhelming to me. All this is made even more intolerable by the fact that I'm Autistic so the mental overload when she's around is unbearable.

Does anyone here have a similar stepchild, and what are your coping strategies?

I know she comes first. I know I have to learn to deal with this or ship out. I would really rather not break up the family as the kids themselves have blended fairly well, and of course they have a common sibling in my baby. I just need to handle my discomfort. Any advice would be appreciated.

Speak to your DP about it. I think being honest in these situations is key. I have told my DP many times that his children have upset me, annoy me or need their manners checking... he does the same with mine, obviously this is all said in private and not in front of the kids.
If you hold all the resentment inside it’ll eat you up and you’ll want to leave. Talk frankly and calmly and see if you can address it together

When you say she’s rough with the baby (her half sister?) is she doing it in an attempt to hurt the baby? Or is she trying to interact with her and getting it wrong?

I think you and dh need to sit her down and explain some ground rules. Maybe include your dc’s in this so it doesn’t look like it’s just aimed at her. Explain that it is not appropriate to follow people to the toilet, manners are expected at all times, if you are rude this will be the punishment.

I don’t know what else to suggest, but it sounds a difficult situation.

Does your DP know how much it affects you? Presumably he knows that sensory overload is more than just an irritation to an autistic person and that it causes very real distress. He needs to step in and lay ground rules for her behaviour.

I think you need to separate disliking the behavious from disliking the child in your mind (I know it sounds trite)

From what you posted, I think most people would struggle to like the behavious you describe - it sounds very OTT and stressful. But she's a little girl whose life is up in the air, and she needs active parenting and guidance to change her behaviour and teach her how to interact appropriately.

Does your dp parent her actively? Does he discipline her when she misbehaves and give firm boundaries? He absolutely must, otherwise the blended faily is not going to work.

It's always going to be difficult when the stepchild's personality and accustomed behaviour is very different from what you are used to from your own children. That's not a failure on your part, you can't force yourself to like somebody whose behaviour stresses you out all the time. But you have to be honest with your partner about the effect it is having on you, and be prepared to work as a team to improve the relationship.

In the meantime are you getting proper breaks when she is around? That's essential imo. Even if it's just a nice coffee out with friends, to recharge your batteries so you can approach her with a positive attitude when you are around her. You're only human, and so is she - it will take time.

Sounds as if she’s insecure has her behaviour altered since the arrrival of the baby?

Yes, we need more information on your partner's parenting. Dsd wouldn't/couldn't follow her teacher to the loo so not following you is perfectly reasonable.
You've used strong words to describe her. Would your partner agree with them?

I have a biological child a bit like that but much younger. I love him but dear god do I dislike him sometimes. I'm not at all like him andvery sensitive to noise for some reason. The constant talking, requests, little noises that he makes just exhausts me. I just grin and bare it a pray that one day he becomes less annoying. Oh, and I put him to bed quite early. I kniw it sounds awful, not liking your own child but he's very hard to like as a person. I do must best to focus on the good stuff. Thankfully he's very affectionate and quite pretty to look at.

How often does she visit?

Can you manage it a bit by her having 1:1 time with dad out of the house, and you taking up a hobby to get you out on those weekends? Spend time all together doing something like cinema, swimming, park, soft play rather than being in the house?

Yes, we need more information on your partner's parenting.

He's never out of court re: access. His ex recently managed to get access changed from 50/50 to every Wed and every other weekend so he's planning to take her back to court. Consequently, he's quite lax on discipline because he doesn't want his daughter to say anything bad to Cafcass when they interview her.

Sorry. Just realised this is major drip feed Surely not a unique situation? Most parents still manage to parent adequately despite custody battles?

btw I don't think it's the baby. DSD has behaved this way for well over a year now.

Do you have a good relationship with her? It’s odd courts would reduce 50/50 for no reason so something happened that your not disclosing it’s abig drop.

Most parents still manage to parent adequately despite custody battles?

I did. He sounds like a Disney dad which isn’t helpful for you or his daughter.

What happens when you discipline her? When she’s following you or shouting? Do you ask her/tell her not to?

7 yo kids can be really annoyingl, but it’s just boundaries that need to be reinforced