Disorganised Dad

[AbiBanbury]

Hi everyone, I'm a step mum to two lovely teenage boys. They come to us every other weekend and I am very fortunate to have a good relationship with them. Where it falls down is my oh. His organisational skills are really bad and I am regularly finding out about logistical plans that affect me (we also have a toddler together) at the last minute or that dates have changed and I haven't been informed (so I end up having to reorganise my plans at the last minute). I love him but it drives me nuts. He firefights the whole time and his ex is obviously happy for him to do that. I know she plays on it. And because he knows he hasn't remembered to sort something, he usually just says yes to everything to compensation - regardless of whether it's a mess logistically for us. In all the time I've known him, he's never kept a list of things he has to do (he does for work but not for non-work stuff) and I just wanted to know if other step mums found the same thing with their partners? When I first met him (when he was 40), I had to fight tooth and nail for him to even use a diary. He now does that but he's got no way of remembering what he needs to be doing/checking/covering off until it's either upon us or I'm reminding him! Do I just accept he's crap and ask for all logistical stuff to go through me? Don't really want to because I've got plenty of my own stuff to manage. What do other people do?

You say they are teenagers but how old? From the time my eldest was about 13, all communication took place between her and her dad and then because her dad is very much like your OH, it became more and more between her and her SM. It worked much better for everyone. They get along very well so they were both happy to do it that way. It didn't involve that much logistically though, just DD to confirm what time they were coming or to let them know if they couldn't come for X reason.

Maybe it was made easier because they travelled independently, so picking up/dropping off was never required.

OK, that's really good to know. They're 16 & 17 and most logistical stuff, like parent's evenings, hospital/doc appointments etc does go through them but holiday dates and weekend dates is still from adult to adult - and that's where it generally falls down. Because of Christmas, weekend dates for the following year never follow on neatly so the order has to be agreed. OH never does this til the last minute, then I find out that this year, he didn't agree it at all, told me it was all fine, I made plans based on that and his ex has just gone ahead and changed the dates in the diary without discussion. Because OH wasn't on top of it, we don't really have a leg to stand on so I think I might just go straight to her for next year's dates.

Can you have a shared google calendar?

Don't go straight to her. Just make your own arrangements and stop reorganising when he has failed to tell you things. Until it actually hurts or affects him he won't change.

if he can do it at work but not at home, that's very telling... He's choosing not to.

Don't pick up the slack for him, talk to him about it.

He barely keeps a list for work. Honestly, he's so disorganised in work as well. He keeps afloat by working long hours!! The guy is just useless at organisation full stop.

And I do make my own plans as much as I can but when something's been arranged that involves us both, I end up doing it alone. My new year's resolution is actually to make more plans without him so that he realises I'm not just going to slot in to his disorganised life. ;)

My OH has a court ordered contact agreement (set over 4 years ago and the mother try’s to change things, mostly to her benefit).

My OH produces a calendar at the start of every year and highlights on it his weekends, holidays (basically when he has them). That way there is absolutely no confusion and everyone is clear on who has the kids when.