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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Partners 6 year old daughter

19 replies

masacaraguns · 14/01/2018 15:19

Hi everybody! Long time lurker!

I need some help/tips in how to ‘bond’ with my partners daughter.

She has just recently turned 6 years old.

My partner and I are in a long distance relationship (1.5 hours away) and we were on/off for a few years when his daughter was 2. We got back together last summer and are hoping to move in together. I shall be relocating and moving in with them.

He has been a single parent as his wife passed away after giving birth, so his daughter hasn’t been around another woman apart from grandmothers and aunts etc.

I try really hard to bond with her but she just won’t warm to me. She’s nice and polite infront of her Father but ever since we’ve started to discuss my move, her behaviour has started to change. If he’s ever on the phone to me, she will demand his attention and whisper. Or cry that she wants to sleep in his bed. She never did this before.

She’s also started to insist he cleans her up after she’s used the bathroom when I’m there. This didn’t happen before and when I offered she declined.

I gifted her a personalised ragdoll for her birthday as she had a birthday wish list and likes ragdolls, however she told me she didn’t like it and cut the hair off.

I haven’t yet mentioned this to my partner apart from the hair cut on the doll, and he laughed it off.

Not sure if I’m overthinking or not.

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 14/01/2018 15:43

You know what this is: a little girl who is worried about sharing the only parent she has and perhaps seeing this as losing him to you. She is, and will probably continue to, behave like a baby to get attention and love and a sense of being cared for by her father. This is such a delicate situation. Maybe get family counselling to help her with this. Let her be babied as much as she needs: bed sharing, time with daddy alone everything she needs until she feels secure and doesn't need to do this anymore. I know other people will be along to say don't indulge this but when she is secure with this new situation, she won't need so much attention.

swingofthings · 14/01/2018 16:40

How often do you see her? Sounds like it is much too premature to consider you moving in with them. Cent you relocate but rent close by for a while to give more chance to build a bond with her?

ElspethFlashman · 14/01/2018 16:43

She doesn't want you to move in. Simple.

ElspethFlashman · 14/01/2018 16:44

And relocating 1.5 hrs away and moving in with a 6 yr old at the same time is madness. Why not move on your own? Why move in with them immediately?

JollyJuniper · 14/01/2018 16:48

I wouldn't move in. If you want her to get used to you then you've got to spend more time with her which you can't do 1.5hrs away. going from seeing her a few hours here and there to living with her is a huge adjustment for a child. It sounds like she's seeking reassurance that she's still number 1 to her dad. She's not ready for you to move in and there's 3 of you in this, all equally important but she's the most vulnerable.

Somerville · 14/01/2018 16:52

It's really important in situations like this to build a really solid foundation with the child, and to make sure that she is getting time and space to process the changes in her father's life, and her own. She doesn't have a second home, only this one, and she's not used to sharing it. And even more crucially, she doesn't have a living mother, and when you're around people will assume you are her mother. It's much more complex than the average post-divorce relationship - I know, I've been there.
My kids were older and having grief therapy - involving their therapist was really helpful to us. But as your boyfriend's daughter is so young, she probably has most of her therapy ahead of her, and is just beginning to understand what has happened to her. Sorry, but the fact that her father seems to have such a cavalier approach isn't helpful, either.
If I were you I'd move closer but not share a home with them. She needs to actively want you to, when the time comes.

Love2cook · 14/01/2018 18:02

I think it's really important that you build a bond with her before you move in to her home. Put yourself in her shoes, would you want an adult, who you only see for a few hours here and there suddenly sharing your home and being involved in all of the time you spend with your family? If her father isn't willing to ensure she is comfortable with the situation beforehand then you should. As others have said, get a rental nearby and get to know her, be consistent in your approach, engineer time outside of the house just for the two of you. Gradually increase the level of responsibility you have in her life, care at home school pick ups ect, but only if she's happy. Let her see you interacting with people she trusts ie granny, aunts. Let her know that you will be moving in soon but also that when you do, she can discuss boundaries with you, for instance she may not want you to do her bath/bed time, which is fine. I'd suggest ensuring that her and her DF still have time together alone, given that's all she's known for 6 years. You may not want to wait to live together but it will make life a lot easier in the long term if she's happy too. She'll be there for the next 12 years at least and if it's not resolved it will mean a very unhappy home life for all or back to being just the two of them.

Original poster

masacaraguns · 14/01/2018 18:55

Thank you for your responses.

I only see her if I’m in their city and it’s usually a hour or so before her father and I go out. I have suggested to my partner we can do activities with her but he’s always declined this.

I myself personally don’t want to move in with them. I’m relocating because of my career and I am more than happy having my own place. I want to build a relationship with her before I ‘invade’ her life. My partner isn’t happy with living in the same city as him and ‘having’ to pay for my bills etc.

He feels his daughter will be fine with me moving in etc.

OP posts:

ourkidmolly · 14/01/2018 18:59

Well you can have your own opinion you know. Your post focuses hugely on what your partner wants and believes but what about your wants and beliefs? He doesn't want to include his dd in your activities but does want you to move in. Well there's a bit of a disconnect there isn't there? My advice is to get your own place and start putting yourself and your priorities first.

Figgygal · 14/01/2018 19:00

Serious conversation is required with your oh you spend little time with this child and he's just expecting her to accept you into her home. He's being very cavalier with her feelings as for him thinking you should move in that's not his decision if it's not what you want then tell him no

Brakebackcyclebot · 14/01/2018 19:07

OP, this sentence stood out for me - "My partner isn’t happy with living in the same city as him and ‘having’ to pay for my bills etc.".

What does that mean? 'Having' to pay for your bills?

Your post above is all about him. What do you want? What do you think is right for you?

Original poster

masacaraguns · 14/01/2018 19:13

Sorry, I didn’t even word it properly!

My partner feels it’s his responsibility to fund my lifestyle since we’re in a serious relationship. His argument is, I shouldn’t be living in his city, on my own, paying for the property and bills etc, when I should just move in with him. I have explained how I don’t believe it is fair on his daughter to have such a major change in her life, in the Form of me and I do need time to bond with her and vice versa.

OP posts:

Original poster

masacaraguns · 14/01/2018 19:14

I’m seeing him tomorrow so I feel it’s a good time to have this conversation. I’m due to relocate in July/August.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 14/01/2018 19:16

its a long distance relationship. How on earth is she supposed to bond with you. Its not her youre chatting to her online. Youre a random woman that she sees every now and again and now youre talking about moving in and being some sort of mummy figure. I think shes terrified. If you want to do right by her, then i think move closer first without moving in so she can get to know you better without pressure

ElliePhillips · 14/01/2018 19:17

And relocating 1.5 hrs away and moving in with a 6 yr old at the same time is madness. Why not move on your own? Why move in with them immediately?

^^ I agree with this and everyone else who has said similar. If you normally only see her for an hour here and there every so often moving in straight away seems too soon. She is very young and may not understand everything that is going on or feel totally secure with it.

Brakebackcyclebot · 14/01/2018 19:18

OP, look at the times you've said should in your last post. Why should you?

Your intuition & gut instinct is telling you something here. Please listen to it.

luffer · 14/01/2018 19:18

My God that dead mother is going to haunt that man...this is every woman's nightmare. If this man seriously thinks that moving a woman his daughter barely knows into her house is a good idea, he's not a good man. Sorry OP, but run. The kid isn't the issue here. If he doesn't see what his daughter needs this is going to be a brutal situation that will end in tears for everyone. Refuse to move in at the very least.

Original poster

masacaraguns · 14/01/2018 19:25

My partner was in an arranged marriage, at the age of 22 and his wife passed away when his daughter was 2 days old. He raised her by himself, with support from his mother and sisters when he needed childcare etc. He’s a really great father and does put her first. I just feel like maybe he’s overlooking his daughters needs/fears in regards to my presence in her life, and assumes by moving in, will fix things. I have explained to him before I want to build a relationship with her and not just jump into a mummy role. He doesn’t have the mummy role expectation from me. However, I do feel he is reluctant to discuss his daughters and my dynamic.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 14/01/2018 23:08

Her behaviour is telling him in the only way a six year old can that she's not ready for this. He really needs to listen.

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