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Original poster

Should i be obliged to have 2 step kids while mum goes out to party?

58 replies

confusedguy123 · 12/01/2018 20:25

Should i be obliged to have 2 step kids while mum goes out to party?

relationship has been less than a year, although we do live together, and admittedly she will do more around the house than i do, and i am at the moment unemployed, and money is a real issue for us. She says that a part of being a step parent is having the kids so she can go out all night, get trashed, and come back between 5 - 8am, which she calls letting her hair down.

i haven't been out once, but she has offered to be fair, but because i couldnt really afford it, and we haven't really been out together much recently, i felt a sense of guilt, and didn't really want to go out. and i have already looked after the kids for 1 night for her, although she was back much earlier than 5am

Kids are 4 and 9, and don't really take me that serioiusly, i try not to shout, but if i don't im hardly listened to, 9 year old has a pretty wild attitude for her age, but loving and caring when she's in the mood.

i fully intend to be working full time soon, So i'm wondering, is she right to expect me to take on the kids like that? would if differ with employment? shouldn't we be going out together instead? if its fair? i'm really unsure and would love some advice.

Thanks

OP posts:
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statetrooperstacey · 13/01/2018 07:49

Of course you should! You're living there and she is your partner.
They will presumably be your step children now/ at some point in the future.
Selfish not to.
How else can she go out then and see her friends? Get a babysitter to come to the house while your there?!! Bit uncomfortable all round that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2018 08:02

Going out til 5-8 am and getting trashed is the ridiculous part. This means she won’t be capable of being with the kids the whole of the following day, I imagine. Going out once a month otherwise is fine.

For me, she’s irresponsible on 2 counts. 1) on the getting home drunk so late her kids could be up for the day. 2) for moving you in with her kids when she’d only just started a relationship with you.

Other than that, step parenting is part of living with someone with kids. You should both be working on the relationship with the kids and between yourselves or moving on. My gut says get out and move on.

IsabellaTruffle · 13/01/2018 08:04

I do find the "step parent/kids" thing a bit odd, you aren't their step dad, and they aren't your stepkids they are your girlfriends children...

In regards to the actual question no you aren't obliged, but I'd have thought if you are in a long term commited relationship where you are living together and presumably offering nothing financially towards the home that you might offer now and again.

If you are resentful at being asked to look after the children I'd say this relationship isn't for you tbh.

Oblomov18 · 13/01/2018 08:12

Is this a joke?

Apart from the staying out till 8am? Shock

CrashBangWollop · 13/01/2018 08:27

I'm wondering how posters would have responded if the OP had been a woman saying "I don't work at the moment (looking to get back into work) but I help look after my step kids while their dad is out at work, I cook for them do washing etc. But once a month he goes out drinking and partying with his friends, leaving me with his kids and doesn't come home until the next day, AIBU thinking he is taking advantage/the piss out of me a bit?"

Responses "he's treating you like a live in nanny/housekeeper for his kids, LTB!"

Capelin · 13/01/2018 08:33

Crash, I think you’ve missed an important sentence out of your equivalent scenario - “my partner does most of the housework as well as working” - I wonder why you decided not to include that?

differentnameforthis · 13/01/2018 08:57

I agree that going out all night and returning at between 5 & 8 am is not on (and any man who wanted to do that would be told the same on here) but no, it isn't too much to ask that she occasionally gets to let her hair down.

Winosaurus · 13/01/2018 08:57

Crash if you were out of work whilst your DP was working and looking after the home and then your DP wanted a night out once a month then my response would be exactly the same regardless of sex.
I think the OP is being unfair.
8am to get home is excessive but 3-4am isn’t as that’s when most nightclubs close and would be the time I usually get home if I’ve been out (as many many others do - otherwise bars and nightclubs would close at midnight?)

0ccamsRazor · 13/01/2018 09:05

Op how do you feel reading these responses to your question?

CrashBangWollop · 13/01/2018 09:19

I just think posters are being a bit harsh jumping on the OP and I'm being a bit "devils advocate".

I actually think both the OP and his DP ABU...

She's taking the piss staying out until 5-8am and as other posters have said is probably in no fit state to look after her DP that day.

BUT the OP is being unfair thinking she shouldn't go out at all, and if he is out of work then he should be helping more and doing the lions share of housework etc.

It sounds like they both want their own way but if neither of them are prepared to "give and take" a little then they probably shouldn't be living together.....

WunWun · 13/01/2018 09:32

I think you need a proper discussion about what you want out of the relationship and about what relationship you want with her children.

If I wanted to go out once a month my DH would look after our DD. I wouldn't have to ask him to do it.

The problem doesn't seem to be the going out so much but the fact that they are her kids, from what you've written. Thats what you need to have a think about between you.

ClaryFray · 13/01/2018 09:50

This reminds me how lucky I am. My DP and DS adore each other. And he regually offers to watch DS so I can have some space and that he can bond with DS.

I think your there anyway so why is it a problem. They'll be asleep most of it.

Winosaurus · 13/01/2018 10:03

Crashbang’s last post is totally right x

thethoughtfox · 13/01/2018 10:03

You need to move out. Don't do that to children: live with them and don't see them as part of your family.

swingofthings · 13/01/2018 12:03

I moved in with my partner with my children (he had 2 of his own who he had every other weekend), I never assumed he would look after my children, I always asked him and he did the same to me if his children were with us. It's a matter of respect.
Same here. I would never have assumed that DP would look after my kids to suit my entertainment needs (not even professional!). Saying that, if he always refused, I would have questioned why, but the occasions were not very often.

Similarly, I would appreciate it at all if he said one evening that his mum needed to be taken to an appointment and as he had a game of golf, he expected me to take her. It goes both ways really. How many parent who think their partner should look after their children without needing to ask would feel the same with their OH's parents if they lived under the same roof?

notangelinajolie · 13/01/2018 12:16

Strictly speaking if you aren't married they aren't your step children.

But moving on from that .. you could do it because it is a nice thing to do and a great opportunity to get to know her children better. Or perhaps you should let the poor woman move on and find a partner who actually likes her children. A man who believed that looking after my children was some kind of an obligation would not be allowed within breathing space of them - let alone take care of them. You don't sound very nice.

swingofthings · 13/01/2018 12:46

Just playing devils advocate, but why do so many resident parents feel that their new partner should feel a strong bond with her children to consider a relationship between them whereas the consensus is that it is ok for SM to be with in a relationship with a man without feeling that bond?

If it was a SM posting, she would be told that in no way should she be told she had to babysit rather than being asked if she'd mind. Spending more time and space with children shouldn't mean that the SP should be obliged to feel differently.

I think the same principle either way, and that what is right is what is agreed before deciding to move in together.

FlippingFoal · 13/01/2018 13:19

Swingofthings- it would go even further than that. As SM would be told it is the children's contact time with their father not her. Why are mothers allowed time away from their children during their contact time but fathers aren't?

swingofthings · 13/01/2018 14:14

Indeed, FlippingFoal!

Frequency · 13/01/2018 14:22

I'm confused. How is OP's girlfriend going to hire a babysitter if OP is in the house? Surely, the babyistter in question would think it fucking odd that an adult is present in the house, with no plans or funds to leave the house and full cognitive ability but they're being paid to watch the children? I know I would.

Yeah, his g/f would be wrong to ask him to stay in if he usually goes out, but he's already said he doesn't.

Plus, she's paying for housing, food, utilities etc and has offered to fund to his social life but he thinks her asking him to watch the children for one night a month is taking the piss?!

I know where he'd be if he was my DP and it wouldn't be in my bed.

The argument about non-resident parents is stupid and not comparable. A non-resident parent has their child a couple of nights a week, if not less. A resident parent has far less freedom to just go out whenever s/he wants. Although, if my ex has nights out planned on his contact day, we work together to find alternative arrangements for the child, depending on what I am doing. If I'm home anyway, she stays with me. If I'm not, he asks around for sitters and if he can't find any, gets back to me and I ask around. We compromise. We are adults.

swingofthings · 13/01/2018 15:46

Frequency, it's about not being taken for granted.

There's a difference between 'darling, the girls have invited me on a mad birthday party next Saturday, It's Katie 30th birthday party and she's organised a trip to X with a limousine and the rest. I'd really like to go so are you ok to look after the girls'.

And 'oh by the way, I'm out tomorrow with the girls. there's a pizza in the freezer you can put in the oven for the kids and make sure they're in bed by 8pm and they've brushed their teeth before. Don't wait for me, not sure when I'll be home'

MidnightExpress1 · 13/01/2018 16:09

When I got with my dh I had ds and he would happily look after him when we moved in together so I could go out and have a drink with my friends. He did this quite regularly and never moaned once. He would have a friend over and play the Xbox or watch tv. Ds was in bed. He too could go out aswell but he also contributed by working. You expect her to work, do all the housework and won’t even let her go out for a night with her friends. It seems as it she’s gives and you just take. Surely if your relationship has moved on to living together you may do the odd babysitting?

SandyY2K · 13/01/2018 16:27

@Winosaurus

Going out till 8am and getting trashed is immature and irresponsible.

I have children...I go out .... I go on ladies weekends... But I don't get trashed and come home at 5 to 8am.

OP.. money is power. You aren't earning and thst will loose you respect I'm afraid.

Frequency · 13/01/2018 16:29

To be fair, if I was paying for someone to live in my house, use my utilities and eat my food, cleaning up after them and cooking for them and I was offering to pay for nights out for them I would take it for granted that they wouldn't expect me to hire a sitter if I was going out and they weren't, regardless of whether I was sleeping with them.

If they whined about it I'd question their motives for living with me and my sanity for allowing it

TammySwansonTwo · 13/01/2018 16:40

This can't be real, right?

She does more than you but you don't work or contribute financially. She suggests you go out but you can't afford to. If you can't be arsed to babysit once a month (and they're 4 and 7, surely there's nothing for you to do once they're in bed other than make sure the house doesn't burn down), I'd be rethinking your plans with this woman. It's hardly a big bloody ask is it? And somehow I doubt she's out til 5am, let alone 8am.