Hello...

[Happydaddy29]

Hi, I'm just wanting to ask any other step parents a few questions....

My partner has her own child and she is also a step mum to mine and she is amazing at what she does.... however I am
Worry she is struggling with the aspect of been a step mum.... she doesn't always seem herself when my daughter is around and she says she's fine but I'm really worried she's not.

I thought I heard her upset the other weekend we had her. She was in the bedroom and I asked her if she was ok and she said 'she's fine carry on entertaining the kids'

I've asked her if she loves my daughter and she says she likes her.
Am I expecting a bit too much from?

I really just want ways that I can help her, I know she is anxious and stressed when we have her. I know her too well and I know she covers it up but I just need ways to help make it easier for her. Because she is amazing with them but I think emotionally she is finding it very hard.

[TwoDots]

He is paying though lunar and won't stop paying

Ex's really do think the dad should stop their entire life to pay over and above the legal requirement of maintenance and if they don't they're a bad dad. You hear it all the time on here . Drives me nuts

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

Lunars right twodots and made a valid point he’s happy to support a partner who working less to attend university and fully support her child as she doesn’t get maintenance but is begrudging paying out for his own dd. Op It’s a lifestyle choice, your dp decided to go university and took a part time job even though she has a dependent. You have chosen to support this choice financially. Sometimes during this time sacrifices are made in terms or holidays and luxuries. I’m currently a sahm but when DS2 is in school I will be returning to employment. For the time being we live within our means and my dh isn’t certainly resentful for being towards DS1.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

Paying*

[Happydaddy29]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with my partner studying to do better for the family.... that ultimately is what she's doing it for as well as following her dream.

Se was already attending uni when I met her... why would I stop her doing that but encourage her with it.... that is what a good partner should be doing.

If you read I am of course happy to pay but based on the CORRECT calculation of my earnings.... pay cuts are a very common thing in the work place and I can't help that happened to me.

. just because I have one child doesn't mean in the future I shouldn't have more. I would love a child with my partner and I said in the future when she has finished uni...
Oh and I think doing 20 hours a week at work, been a mum, looking after the house and doing loads of university study when her daughter is in bed is pretty amazing. Yes she's exhausted but she is doing it for the family!!


Two dots exactly I am paying and I will continue to pay.... and your right.... exs do often expect you to stop your entire life. Drives me nuts too.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

Well don’t moan that you aren’t bringing in two full incomes then. I’m guessing she was topped up by tax credits, if she was already working P/T so she lost that when she moved in with you so therefore you shoulder the financial burden until she completes her course and gains a higher salary. Its extremely crass to blame paying maintenance as an excuse for not having holidays together or luxuries because you have CHOSEN to support her and HER DD but moan about supporting your own flesh and blood. If the maintenance was so wrong and far too much you would have sorted it out 3years ago instead of bitching about the mother using it to have her hair and nails done!

[Happydaddy29]

Well should I not be concerns that my child is always dressed in old looking tatty clothes?? But her mum seems to always be getting herself dolled up. What about saving for her future because her mum isn't doing that... I asked her and she said... 'erg no every penny comes here she doesn't need a bank account for when she's older'


We have only LIVED together for the last 6 months. hence why now it needs to be accurately calculated.... I won't pay more than I can afford and struggle to have a life myself.... because my life hasn't stopped and it won't...

She hasn't been entitled to tax credits because she has her income was too high when she was paying for childcare... after she went back to work.... It's since her daughter has been at preschool that she has dropped her hours because she Wants to earn a better wage and do something that she enjoys more.... I wouldn't want her to be in an job which she hates and I encourage her to follow her dreams..... at least I CAN be a supporting partner.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

Not everyone can save money aside for their child’s future or have to. Your suddenly drip feeding the tatty clothes which is convenient . If she was a single mom and wasn’t entitled to tax credits she must be on a decent wage so combined that with your income I imagine your a lot higher wage combined than the national average wage of 27thousand?

[lunar1]

You wanted us to say that it's ok to cut maintenance to make the new girlfriend happy didn't you?

Maybe your dd is in scruffy clothes as she ruins whatever she's put in, or maybe it's only when she has contact with you as you don't return things. Or maybe it's just a massive drip feed lie so we see your partner as the evil ex and you as the perfect dad.

What your ex may or may not save for her dd is none of your business. If you want her to have savings then that is your responsibility to provide.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

I’m guessing looking at the calculator on csa website I’m guessing your pulling in 500-525 a week wage? Even had 450 it’s just short of 50 a week.

[TwoDots]

You're actually trying to guess how much op earns and going on csa calculator? That's really weird

[OutToGetYou]

Aaaah, the ex wives club of Mumsnet, it's great, isn't it?

OP - get the CSA sorted out so you know what you should be paying, based on your income and the time you have your child, and your living arrangements. Once that is sorted, pay that via whatever channel the CSA (CMA) says. Then do a full household budget, work out what else you can afford, even if only £5 a week, and pay that as well. Keep good records.

You should probably try and work more overtime. It's a bit confusing how the CSA takes more when you work overtime (so that you don't see the money) yet you say they have no record of you and you do not pay through attachment of earnings, plus pay directly to ex's bank. There is something odd happening there. You are misunderstanding something I think.

Make sure both you and your partner are claiming tax credits due to you. Your partner should keep chasing her ex/the CSA for maintenance payments.

Ignore your ex and your perceptions of what she spends money on, focus on your child and your current relationship.

As for how your partner feels - you have accepted now that 'love' might be too strong and I agree with that. I had a DSS for 7 years and I can't say I loved him. Maybe we all think of love as slightly different things, after all, there isn't really an agreed definition, is there? I would have been very upset had anything happened to him (and, of course, in 7 years things did happen to him and I was worried, was there for him, supported him - now we have split I miss him and try to keep in contact) and I guess you would say I cared about him. Maybe the way I feel is the way some people describe love, I have no idea.
But, it's too much pressure to ask her about it.

It sounds a bit as though having your DD over causes a load more work for your DP. This is unfair, you need to take the burden of that as it seems your DP takes the burden of 'running the house' the rest of the time, and then ramps it up every other weekend. You need to do half all the time, and then a bit more when your DD is there.

And, no, don;t try and do everything together. Sometimes you need one on one bonding, sometimes your DP does. Each of you with either child. Do you ever take your DSD out for a day and let your DP study? OK, you can't cook (learn, try YouTube) but you need to be providing the family meal at least a couple of times a week, even if it's just pizza, or fish fingers with oven chips, but you need to take your turn, let your DP go off ad study while you take full responsibility for the evening management. Do you ever do this? Can she rely on you to just be in charge now and then?

It sounds to me as if she is worn out, low from lack of money (though I doubt she has less than she did when you were living separately, did she think you would put more into the pot?) and then slightly resents the extra work your child causes.

It all sounds solvable to me, but you need to put your mind to it.

[TempusEejit]

OP you said you rarely do mealtimes because you're not the best cook, but surely you would be cooking for your DD had your partner not moved in? Same with getting the house tidy before your DD comes to visit, sounds to me like you've either consciously or unconsciously decided it's your partner's responsibility to do the bulk of the child related chores. No wonder the poor woman is so stressed (and no doubt resentful). My guess is that she clams up rather than call you out on the unfairness of it all lest you throw the accusation at her that if only she loved your daughter she'd be happy to cook her tea.

Love is an action, not words. If you want to support your DP then OutToGetYou is right in saying you need to do more than half when your DD is with you - 50/50 would be fair if your DP was your daughter's mother but she's not, so you need to recognise that your DD is 100% your responsibility therefore anything your DP does relating to your daughter is a favour to you.

[Happydaddy29]

Twosdots.... yes that is very weird trying to work out what I earn.... considering my ex took A massive cut in her pay to study and I'm not on much more.... we don't earn the uks national average.. but we earn too much for tax credits.... not that it's any of your business to be working out what you 'think' I earn....
She wasn't happy in her job and wanted to do something different hence studying to do that..

Thank you outtogetypu for your support that messaged has really helped me work out the situation.
I can't work any more overtime.... not because I don't want to but because my job doesn't offer anymore.

My partner is trying to chase her ex but she has no contact with him and we can't trace him.

I pay to my ex but they worked it out three years ago what I was meant to be paying.... I've called several times to sort out the payments yet they say that they can't find me on the system and they will send some paperwork out.... which I'm
Currently waiting for and trying to sort out. But I have been trying to call them and get it worked out...

We have done our own household budget and after all our expenses we have very minimum left.... not enough for a week away due to the cost.

Lunar1 we always send every back she comes with, Christmas present and birthday presents she takes the majority home and has some here too, I bought her several pairs of new shoes at Christmas because she was coming in a pair of shoes size 8 she's an 11!! Her toes were scrunched up at the end and I made sure she had shoes that fit. I still made sure she had those shoes though knowing they don't fit because her mother would of questioned where they are.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

It’s not hard to work out how much csa is calculated based on the number you stated you paid? I suspect the payment you have if you have been over paying is not that much.

The fact remains your dp is studying and reduced her hours at work to accommodate this you are household and as such you make sarcifices during this period of time which involve holidays and additional luxuries that isn’t the fault of your dd because you pay towards her. I think you need to explain this to your dp. I’m sure in time when she has completed her course things will be considerably different financially however it’s quite common this happens when one person is studying that they may go without certain this e.g holidays.

[Happydaddy29]

Even if I was on my own, I couldn't afford to live and pay £60 a week csa regardless of my partners wage. I've since looked online and the amount that it should be is £32 a week, a considerable difference!!

[TwoDots]

See there you go again unicorn

Has it ever occurred to you that dad's May pay more than required when they can, but they have every right to reduce if they are no longer able to (doesnt matter the reason, he's allowed to move his life on). He still intends on paying and seeing his child

Wtf is your problem?

[TwoDots]

Why can't ex's be grateful for the time they do get extra money and understand that the dad has 2 households to financially support and are equally allowed to move their life on? I just don't understand the hold they think they have

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

Oh hi 👋 twodots I’m guessing your the bittter newgf if I’m the “bitter first wife” 😂

Maybe twodots because the first child doesn’t disappear because they move in with their dp and her dd. I’m wondering again why this has suddenly become an issue after 3 years lunar hit the nail on the head

[Happydaddy29]

Exactly two dots..., some people clearly hate the fact exs move on and still have a life.... if I wanted nothing to do with my daughter I wouldn't of bothered going through court... I pay and will continue to but I won't pay more than I can afford.

[OutToGetYou]

I don't think exes should be 'grateful' to their exes for supporting their own children at all.

But I think it needs to be affordable to the father (usually the father, let's be honest) and sensible for the mother.

I can't see why his ex doesn't work, she could do, she is as responsible as he is for supporting their child. Equally I agree with Unicorn that the new DP has chosen to study and work part time and live with a man who has prior financial commitments - she is coming across a bit sulky here and I do wonder if she thought all her problems would be over once she moved in with a man with a job and now she's finding the reality is not really so much.

The OP pays £60pw and the CSA calc says it should be £32. To my mind, as his current household is struggling, he should reduce it. Once it is all sorted out it will be reduced anyway plus he might get a break due to having overpaid, so in a way he should do it now. But he can still overpay if he wants to. I think £45pw weeks seems reasonable, gives him an extra £15pw to his current costs and his ex still getting more than the min (which I also agree is really a min and should only be used as a guide) and she will also be getting whatever benefits she is entitled to, including the child benefit and income support.

I think a change of attitude by everyone is needed really.

I was 'lucky' that myself and my ex had no money worries, he paid £500pm to his ex, and she'd had the equity in the house. We still had plenty of disposable income. But it did grate a bit when DSS lived with us and she still got the £500 and then she split up with her bf and asked for more as she couldn't afford to live alone as the ex-bf was living in the house she bought with her equity and driving the car she bought him. I mean, it was nothing to do with me as we kept our finances separate but it did bite when she told me it was about time we bought new sofas (we had 'her' old ones, she had bought two new sets since them) - sofas are a big cost and my ex didn't want to spend out on them.
I don't know why some ex-wives are so determined to be walking cliches.

[Happydaddy29]

Did you not read that my PAY has been dropped by no fault of my own...
oh and I should just meet someobe tell the yer I like you but you can't do what you want to do.... so stop studying work a job you hate and stupid hours so i can carry on paying MORE than I should for csa?!
NO I shouldn't because she deserves a life too and so do I....and I wouldn't stop her doing what she has always wanted to do.... she started it before I was with her and I knew that when I met her.

I'm actually VERY proud of her for doing so, many won't go and study work and look after a child so good for her for doing so. And YES i will stick up for her.

[TwoDots]

Good for you op for recognising your relationship and partner are also important

The csa is a minefield. Sometimes their minimum is a joke for mothers and other times a joke for father's

If you're go by the calculator if the nrp has the child mire than 4 nights a week they still have to pay? Not exactly nrp but that option is there on the calculator

Dad's mire iften than not provide a bedroom etc too. It will never be a fair deal but helps when the Dad. Recognised the need to fairly support and the Mum doesn't try and grab every penny they can get

[Happydaddy29]

Thank you out to get you..
Yes I would pay more than £32 now I've worked it out as that. I was looking at £40 for now and once my partner is back working more hours I'll increase it again.... yes my ex doesn't work, gets all the different benefits and she gets her house paid for by the council too....

I will always support my child even when she's grown up.... and then the money will go to her.... but for now I know I have to pay my ex and I do pay that.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

Your update is utterly appalling and apparently I’m aggressive . You said your pay dropped three years ago quite significantly by half. You are complaining about it now as if it’s an inconvenience instead of addressing it and sorting it out like I suggested further upthread. This is money that is going to your dd keep there’s no need to be so aggressive and complain about luxuries or holidays in the progress

[Happydaddy29]

Yes, when the calculation was worked out I was like ok that's fine and paid it but since it's been a struggle I've got to reduce it so I can afford to live.
She has toys and things here, clothes, a room, my partner obviously cooked the meals (but I will do that more now) and non of that has been taken into consideration. Aswell as the 2 hour round trip to pick her up when I have her too, the fuel costs then.

Oh and before anyone tries and suggests I shouldn't move so far away.... her mum went that far away to be closer to her mum..... because I know someone will blame that on myself too!!