Hello...

[Happydaddy29]

Hi, I'm just wanting to ask any other step parents a few questions....

My partner has her own child and she is also a step mum to mine and she is amazing at what she does.... however I am
Worry she is struggling with the aspect of been a step mum.... she doesn't always seem herself when my daughter is around and she says she's fine but I'm really worried she's not.

I thought I heard her upset the other weekend we had her. She was in the bedroom and I asked her if she was ok and she said 'she's fine carry on entertaining the kids'

I've asked her if she loves my daughter and she says she likes her.
Am I expecting a bit too much from?

I really just want ways that I can help her, I know she is anxious and stressed when we have her. I know her too well and I know she covers it up but I just need ways to help make it easier for her. Because she is amazing with them but I think emotionally she is finding it very hard.

[Happydaddy29]

Sorry did I say she moaned? I said she is stressed because it's hard she knows I have to pay and i have stated that it needs to be reduced due to my pay and because I also have my daughter overnight unlike 3 years ago....

I've never stopped paying for my daughter.... I paid for everything when she lived with me as her mum has never worked and I payed since the day my ex and I split up. I paid even when I didn't see her because yes it's my RESPONSIBILITY too!! I went through court to get access to see her.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

What she does with her CB is down to her completely but moaning about holidays and such when there’s two dc to support one of which doesn’t live there isn’t very fair to put blame solely on the maintenance. You say again had you previously stopped maintenance before that you didn’t see your dd?

[Happydaddy29]

Thank you.... and yes my partner just finds it hard because every month we're struggling and it's hard she hasn't got any outgoings that treat herself, she puts a bit of money aside in a savings for her daughter and that comes out of child benefit as she's saving for her future..... oh wait unicorn...are you going to say that's wrong now? When it's what's she's entitled to for her daughter?!

She never expected me to be financially flush and as she chose to part time study before she was with me, but we had to get a bigger place for both children and therefore he cost of renting is a lot higher than before. And this was BEFORE my pay cut so I didn't know it was going to be a struggle.

No I wouldn't stop paying as she would stop me seeing my daughter and I don't want that to happen again.... but I am on at them and trying to do what's best.... because my partner and my stepchild feel just as much like family as my daughter does.

[OutToGetYou]

My ex's ex would not agree to him having DSS more as she knew (in theory) her child maintenance from him would be reduced. So, rather she just told us each week she couldn't have him, so it was never 'officially' reduced, she was still RP (even when he lived with us full time) and now-ex still had to pay. He knew if he reduced the payments, she would suddenly be able to find a way for DSS to stay with her but it would not be good for DSS, he needed the stability ex and myself provided, and ex also did not want to go to court with all the disruption that would cause.

We were 'lucky', it didn't cause us financial problems as such, as we were both high earners. But I can see how it would do in a home with other children and lower incomes.

[OutToGetYou]

Unicorn - he has said he's tried to sort it out with the CSA, stop harassing him. You know as well as the rest of the world does that the CSA is useless and won't do anything as long as he keeps paying and the resident parent doesn't complain, which she isn't very likely to, is she?

His best advice would actually be to stop paying so the RP takes him through CSA again and then it would get sorted. But it doesn't sound as if he's the sort of chap to do that and it would not be good for the child of course.

He does need to keep hassling the CSA and then pay a bit more if he can - but they are incompetent, as we all know.

I do think the OP's current DP had a different idea of what her life would be like once she 'hooked' a man. If they are both on fairly low incomes, her part time, and have a 3 bed house, they were never going to be flush with money so I suspect she didn't think it through. It is actually her who needs to make the sacrifices really as it is her who has chosen to study and be part time, but they are a unit and it's reasonable that he should support her, and her child, as he is doing to an extent.

The OP sounds like he does think things through, which is why he posted, why he has a budget, etc.

[Happydaddy29]

There was no aggression in the post at all... and I'm sure others can see that as well!
I said 3 years ago my pay was a lot higher than it is now.... by no fault of my own that my pay was cut, no overtime to make it up.... it's what happens in the workplace... if you didn't know!! I've said I'm addressing the situation about what I'm going to be paying....
but I think that just because I have a child and now have a partner and step child that we can have holidays and one week a year my daughter will come with us.... oh and yes only a week because that's the court order and she won't agree more

[Happydaddy29]

Yes, when the calculation was worked out I was like ok that's fine and paid it but since it's been a struggle I've got to reduce it so I can afford to live.
She has toys and things here, clothes, a room, my partner obviously cooked the meals (but I will do that more now) and non of that has been taken into consideration. Aswell as the 2 hour round trip to pick her up when I have her too, the fuel costs then.

Oh and before anyone tries and suggests I shouldn't move so far away.... her mum went that far away to be closer to her mum..... because I know someone will blame that on myself too!!

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

Your update is utterly appalling and apparently I’m aggressive . You said your pay dropped three years ago quite significantly by half. You are complaining about it now as if it’s an inconvenience instead of addressing it and sorting it out like I suggested further upthread. This is money that is going to your dd keep there’s no need to be so aggressive and complain about luxuries or holidays in the progress

[Happydaddy29]

Thank you out to get you..
Yes I would pay more than £32 now I've worked it out as that. I was looking at £40 for now and once my partner is back working more hours I'll increase it again.... yes my ex doesn't work, gets all the different benefits and she gets her house paid for by the council too....

I will always support my child even when she's grown up.... and then the money will go to her.... but for now I know I have to pay my ex and I do pay that.

[TwoDots]

Good for you op for recognising your relationship and partner are also important

The csa is a minefield. Sometimes their minimum is a joke for mothers and other times a joke for father's

If you're go by the calculator if the nrp has the child mire than 4 nights a week they still have to pay? Not exactly nrp but that option is there on the calculator

Dad's mire iften than not provide a bedroom etc too. It will never be a fair deal but helps when the Dad. Recognised the need to fairly support and the Mum doesn't try and grab every penny they can get

[Happydaddy29]

Did you not read that my PAY has been dropped by no fault of my own...
oh and I should just meet someobe tell the yer I like you but you can't do what you want to do.... so stop studying work a job you hate and stupid hours so i can carry on paying MORE than I should for csa?!
NO I shouldn't because she deserves a life too and so do I....and I wouldn't stop her doing what she has always wanted to do.... she started it before I was with her and I knew that when I met her.

I'm actually VERY proud of her for doing so, many won't go and study work and look after a child so good for her for doing so. And YES i will stick up for her.

[OutToGetYou]

I don't think exes should be 'grateful' to their exes for supporting their own children at all.

But I think it needs to be affordable to the father (usually the father, let's be honest) and sensible for the mother.

I can't see why his ex doesn't work, she could do, she is as responsible as he is for supporting their child. Equally I agree with Unicorn that the new DP has chosen to study and work part time and live with a man who has prior financial commitments - she is coming across a bit sulky here and I do wonder if she thought all her problems would be over once she moved in with a man with a job and now she's finding the reality is not really so much.

The OP pays £60pw and the CSA calc says it should be £32. To my mind, as his current household is struggling, he should reduce it. Once it is all sorted out it will be reduced anyway plus he might get a break due to having overpaid, so in a way he should do it now. But he can still overpay if he wants to. I think £45pw weeks seems reasonable, gives him an extra £15pw to his current costs and his ex still getting more than the min (which I also agree is really a min and should only be used as a guide) and she will also be getting whatever benefits she is entitled to, including the child benefit and income support.

I think a change of attitude by everyone is needed really.

I was 'lucky' that myself and my ex had no money worries, he paid £500pm to his ex, and she'd had the equity in the house. We still had plenty of disposable income. But it did grate a bit when DSS lived with us and she still got the £500 and then she split up with her bf and asked for more as she couldn't afford to live alone as the ex-bf was living in the house she bought with her equity and driving the car she bought him. I mean, it was nothing to do with me as we kept our finances separate but it did bite when she told me it was about time we bought new sofas (we had 'her' old ones, she had bought two new sets since them) - sofas are a big cost and my ex didn't want to spend out on them.
I don't know why some ex-wives are so determined to be walking cliches.

[Happydaddy29]

Exactly two dots..., some people clearly hate the fact exs move on and still have a life.... if I wanted nothing to do with my daughter I wouldn't of bothered going through court... I pay and will continue to but I won't pay more than I can afford.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

Oh hi 👋 twodots I’m guessing your the bittter newgf if I’m the “bitter first wife” 😂

Maybe twodots because the first child doesn’t disappear because they move in with their dp and her dd. I’m wondering again why this has suddenly become an issue after 3 years lunar hit the nail on the head

[TwoDots]

Why can't ex's be grateful for the time they do get extra money and understand that the dad has 2 households to financially support and are equally allowed to move their life on? I just don't understand the hold they think they have

[TwoDots]

See there you go again unicorn

Has it ever occurred to you that dad's May pay more than required when they can, but they have every right to reduce if they are no longer able to (doesnt matter the reason, he's allowed to move his life on). He still intends on paying and seeing his child

Wtf is your problem?

[Happydaddy29]

Even if I was on my own, I couldn't afford to live and pay £60 a week csa regardless of my partners wage. I've since looked online and the amount that it should be is £32 a week, a considerable difference!!

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

It’s not hard to work out how much csa is calculated based on the number you stated you paid? I suspect the payment you have if you have been over paying is not that much.

The fact remains your dp is studying and reduced her hours at work to accommodate this you are household and as such you make sarcifices during this period of time which involve holidays and additional luxuries that isn’t the fault of your dd because you pay towards her. I think you need to explain this to your dp. I’m sure in time when she has completed her course things will be considerably different financially however it’s quite common this happens when one person is studying that they may go without certain this e.g holidays.

[Happydaddy29]

Twosdots.... yes that is very weird trying to work out what I earn.... considering my ex took A massive cut in her pay to study and I'm not on much more.... we don't earn the uks national average.. but we earn too much for tax credits.... not that it's any of your business to be working out what you 'think' I earn....
She wasn't happy in her job and wanted to do something different hence studying to do that..

Thank you outtogetypu for your support that messaged has really helped me work out the situation.
I can't work any more overtime.... not because I don't want to but because my job doesn't offer anymore.

My partner is trying to chase her ex but she has no contact with him and we can't trace him.

I pay to my ex but they worked it out three years ago what I was meant to be paying.... I've called several times to sort out the payments yet they say that they can't find me on the system and they will send some paperwork out.... which I'm
Currently waiting for and trying to sort out. But I have been trying to call them and get it worked out...

We have done our own household budget and after all our expenses we have very minimum left.... not enough for a week away due to the cost.

Lunar1 we always send every back she comes with, Christmas present and birthday presents she takes the majority home and has some here too, I bought her several pairs of new shoes at Christmas because she was coming in a pair of shoes size 8 she's an 11!! Her toes were scrunched up at the end and I made sure she had shoes that fit. I still made sure she had those shoes though knowing they don't fit because her mother would of questioned where they are.

[TempusEejit]

OP you said you rarely do mealtimes because you're not the best cook, but surely you would be cooking for your DD had your partner not moved in? Same with getting the house tidy before your DD comes to visit, sounds to me like you've either consciously or unconsciously decided it's your partner's responsibility to do the bulk of the child related chores. No wonder the poor woman is so stressed (and no doubt resentful). My guess is that she clams up rather than call you out on the unfairness of it all lest you throw the accusation at her that if only she loved your daughter she'd be happy to cook her tea.

Love is an action, not words. If you want to support your DP then OutToGetYou is right in saying you need to do more than half when your DD is with you - 50/50 would be fair if your DP was your daughter's mother but she's not, so you need to recognise that your DD is 100% your responsibility therefore anything your DP does relating to your daughter is a favour to you.

[OutToGetYou]

Aaaah, the ex wives club of Mumsnet, it's great, isn't it?

OP - get the CSA sorted out so you know what you should be paying, based on your income and the time you have your child, and your living arrangements. Once that is sorted, pay that via whatever channel the CSA (CMA) says. Then do a full household budget, work out what else you can afford, even if only £5 a week, and pay that as well. Keep good records.

You should probably try and work more overtime. It's a bit confusing how the CSA takes more when you work overtime (so that you don't see the money) yet you say they have no record of you and you do not pay through attachment of earnings, plus pay directly to ex's bank. There is something odd happening there. You are misunderstanding something I think.

Make sure both you and your partner are claiming tax credits due to you. Your partner should keep chasing her ex/the CSA for maintenance payments.

Ignore your ex and your perceptions of what she spends money on, focus on your child and your current relationship.

As for how your partner feels - you have accepted now that 'love' might be too strong and I agree with that. I had a DSS for 7 years and I can't say I loved him. Maybe we all think of love as slightly different things, after all, there isn't really an agreed definition, is there? I would have been very upset had anything happened to him (and, of course, in 7 years things did happen to him and I was worried, was there for him, supported him - now we have split I miss him and try to keep in contact) and I guess you would say I cared about him. Maybe the way I feel is the way some people describe love, I have no idea.
But, it's too much pressure to ask her about it.

It sounds a bit as though having your DD over causes a load more work for your DP. This is unfair, you need to take the burden of that as it seems your DP takes the burden of 'running the house' the rest of the time, and then ramps it up every other weekend. You need to do half all the time, and then a bit more when your DD is there.

And, no, don;t try and do everything together. Sometimes you need one on one bonding, sometimes your DP does. Each of you with either child. Do you ever take your DSD out for a day and let your DP study? OK, you can't cook (learn, try YouTube) but you need to be providing the family meal at least a couple of times a week, even if it's just pizza, or fish fingers with oven chips, but you need to take your turn, let your DP go off ad study while you take full responsibility for the evening management. Do you ever do this? Can she rely on you to just be in charge now and then?

It sounds to me as if she is worn out, low from lack of money (though I doubt she has less than she did when you were living separately, did she think you would put more into the pot?) and then slightly resents the extra work your child causes.

It all sounds solvable to me, but you need to put your mind to it.

[TwoDots]

You're actually trying to guess how much op earns and going on csa calculator? That's really weird

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

I’m guessing looking at the calculator on csa website I’m guessing your pulling in 500-525 a week wage? Even had 450 it’s just short of 50 a week.

[lunar1]

You wanted us to say that it's ok to cut maintenance to make the new girlfriend happy didn't you?

Maybe your dd is in scruffy clothes as she ruins whatever she's put in, or maybe it's only when she has contact with you as you don't return things. Or maybe it's just a massive drip feed lie so we see your partner as the evil ex and you as the perfect dad.

What your ex may or may not save for her dd is none of your business. If you want her to have savings then that is your responsibility to provide.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

Not everyone can save money aside for their child’s future or have to. Your suddenly drip feeding the tatty clothes which is convenient . If she was a single mom and wasn’t entitled to tax credits she must be on a decent wage so combined that with your income I imagine your a lot higher wage combined than the national average wage of 27thousand?