Hello...

[Happydaddy29]

Hi, I'm just wanting to ask any other step parents a few questions....

My partner has her own child and she is also a step mum to mine and she is amazing at what she does.... however I am
Worry she is struggling with the aspect of been a step mum.... she doesn't always seem herself when my daughter is around and she says she's fine but I'm really worried she's not.

I thought I heard her upset the other weekend we had her. She was in the bedroom and I asked her if she was ok and she said 'she's fine carry on entertaining the kids'

I've asked her if she loves my daughter and she says she likes her.
Am I expecting a bit too much from?

I really just want ways that I can help her, I know she is anxious and stressed when we have her. I know her too well and I know she covers it up but I just need ways to help make it easier for her. Because she is amazing with them but I think emotionally she is finding it very hard.

[Sleepymcsleepyson]

I'm a stepmum and have been for 3 years. I've recently become a mum to my own little boy. It comes with it's ups and down. I do love my stepson but he can be quite difficult at times, with regards to his attitude but I see where that comes from and the only thing I can do is set boundaries with his dad and support him.

How is your daughter with your partner? Does she ever give her any grief? I've always spoken to my husband if I find things hard and he does listen which is so helpful. In the early days there were times when i really struggled. He'd sometimes take him out on his own. When i first met my DH my DSS' behaviour was awful at times. I suggested some house rules etc. We started working with them and things were great. Don't get me wrong, we sometimes become slack and have to start from scratch.

I think what helped me build a relationship was doing things with DsS on my own. We built up our own interests together. He sees me a "sleepmcsleepyson" as opposed to "dad's wife". Hope this helps a bit.

[debbs77]

The CSA would have worked out maintenance based on your earnings and how many nights a week you have her. So if she was with the mum full time with no overnight stays with you then you would pay more.

My ex pays less as he only declares part time employed earnings and isn't even submitting self assessment figures for self employment earning thousands in cash so it doesn't get included.

£60 a week isn't enough for your wife to be getting nails and hair done etc so you and your partner need to look beyond that. It covers your daughter for food, clothing, school trips, uniform, rent and bills etc.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I don’t know why OP but something doesn’t sit easy with me about this situation and how you view it. I am probably wrong. It just seems that you haven’t much idea over why she may be unhappy, yet there are several very obvious stress points

• you can hardly afford the bills each month, pay minimum CSA but complained to CSA about it, and she can’t even afford new shoes. What’s going on? Where is your money going?
  
• sibling troubles - yet it was her child that was very upset. You don’t even seem to know what caused her child to be so upset, and have done nothing to pull up your child about it.
  
• she seems quiet and defeated. Have you made her feel that she cannot come to you?

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

for the maintenance comments and about your ex having her nails done. You make a child you pay for there upkeep it’s not your ex’s fault your dp ex doesn’t pay.its £240 a month. If you average it a day it’s approx £8 a day!

[Happydaddy29]

Yes I accept paying and said it's a different subject but I have tried to call csa several times to update them that I have a child living with me and I now have my daughter stop over... it's based on when me and my ex first split and I didn't see her. And I've gone through court to do so..., and that in actual fact the amount that I'm meant to pay is an incorrect figure as I earn £5000 less than what they are saying... but they can't find me on the system. So it's not been changed and yes we struggle because of that.

We talked last night and she said she finds it hard.... how can I make the weekends easier for her?

[ElChan03]

Did she say what she found hard in particular?

If it's getting used to your dd then I'm afraid it will just take time. Because it's hard in general to bond with someone else's child because you have to.

Maybe take the lead on your weekends and plan things to do and then invite her to join in. Or perhaps suggest that she does something one to one with your dd to help get to know her more.

I would look into more about the event that upset her dd and maybe take both dc out together on your own with them.

These are suggestions but I guess until you know what the root issues are and I bet there is something specific in there you will have a hard time waving a magic wand for an instant fix.

[lunar1]

I don't honestly know why you would try reducing payments because you have a step child living with you, it doesn't reduce your responsibility to your child.

Where do you go on a Tuesday when you are not allowed home? How much is that costing?

There is something in your posts not quite adding up.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

Tbh I think csa are wrong to take into account step children to reduce csa payments for a child your financially responsible for. Why would you try and get out of paying less for your child you created. It’s up to your dp to chase her ex for maintenance payments not reduce yours. I don’t think payments should be reduced even when you add further dc because you still have the same financial commitment to your first child. My ex had a baby and wanted to reduce payments to account for that until I broke it all down and told him he actually gives me 5 pounds for ds a day. He realised it wasn’t appropriate to reduce his payments on that purpose and kept them the same. It’s a bill an important one that should be one the first to be paid.

[Happydaddy29]

If I'm not earning the amount they are calculating i am paying more than I can afford.... we have no luxuries... we can't afford holidays even in this countries. We have the odd day out through the year together and then we mostly go out when I have my daughter but not the other weekends and we keep the cost down. We struggle to pay our own household bills because what we are paying is. It based on the actual amount I work.
My partner has been trying to sort csa out from her ex for the past 2 years but because they can't trace him we're struggling and trying to sort it so yes that is a stress for her too.

We will have more children in the future once the family is bonded and we feel ready and i think you will find I pay for a lot more things for my daughter when she's with us than just the csa payments.... I've also paid for school uniform which another poster has said csa takes into account.... but her mum refused to pay for it and I wants going to let her go without. She also refuses to pay for school trips and so I of course pay as I won't let her go without.... but surely that's what csa should be paying towards.


Anyway that's not what I want to get help with, I want to find out how to help my partner.
I am allowed home we just decided we wanted special time with our own and we enjoy it and look forward to hearing about what we have done.

I often go and see my mum or my sisters as we don't see them much. Occasionally I'll go home as my partner has made plans to go out with hers and we find that this actually works really nicely.

What isn't adding up in my posts?


Yes I will start to take the lead on weekends I think she has thought she has to do lots of things and do the tea. I know she spends lots of time cooking the tea and cleaning ready for my daughter to come over so maybe I just need to say I can do all that and give her a break.

[lunar1]

Your post adds up more now, you and your partner resent what you are paying for your child. You are doing whatever you can to try and reduce it. Your partner might be happier if she wasn't seeing your child as the reason she can't have new shoes, does she look at her own child that way?

£60 per week for your child is not stopping you having luxury holidays and paying for a few extras on top should be expected.

How can you in one breath be trying to pay as little as possible for your child and at the same time be planning more children in the future? You can't afford the ones you have between you!

[TwoDots]

Hi op. Google second wife syndrome . I know you're not married but the points still relate to how it feels being a woman in a relationship with a man with a child. It might help you to relate to her note

The best advice I can give is to make her feel important, special. Also, take the lead with parenting. Never put that on her. I have zero pressure from my partner who makes sure he takes full responsibility of his dd. It's helps, trust me. And always be an open and understanding partner. Let her talk if it helps her

Ignore all the money accusations. Rightly or wrongly, if this is an issue for your partner just openly discuss it. She will understand you have financial obligations but that doesn't make it easier for her. Just be understanding and keep talking

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

I agree with lunar, I choked on my coffee when you thought having her you would be spending more on her than what the csa would cover for her expenses and when I say expenses I mean for your dd. If your thinking that csa are taking far too much you just need to send your last three pay slips and they will calculate from that.Your happy to support your step dd but not your actual dd. The fact you think you’ll have kids together when it’s clear for everyone to see your dp is struggling accepting your dd when you have taken on her own dd. I can’t see this relationship standing the rest of time.

My ex will happily pay for school trips and ds hobbies we take turns in paying he just doesn’t expect me to use the maintenance he pays as that’s for basic living costs and clothing. He also alternates school dinners aswell. It’s what being a good parent is. Ds school shoes were ruined he only had them a term ex took ds to the shop and got new ones wouldn’t accept the money for them.

[Happydaddy29]

Thank you two dots....

I will make sure I take the lead on parenting and I understand that this pressure could be what is bothering her...

She knows that we have to pay csa I guess what is hard is that she wanted a little break away in a few months time and we physically can't afford it. After csa has gone out on my behalf we haven't a lot left to pay for our own basic bills and my partner has financial obligations and doesnt earn as much as me either so it's a struggle and we feel that the csa hasn't been calculated correctly...

Clearly people can't see that I'm TRYING to help
My partner and make it easier so that she doesn't feel anxious or stressed about it.... I accept it can't be easy and I want to do the best to help make it easier so we can be a happy family....

My partner is currently studying part time as well through the open university and has been for ages.... she's nearly graduated at which point she hopes to have a better job than what she has now and we will be able to afford another child.... so no it's never out of the question. I love her and I want to help her feel better and I want to build on our little family just like she does one day.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

It’s quite simple you sent three wage slips and they will recalculate but I have a feeling you are paying the right amount otherwise you would have already done so. You can also send your P60 to show last years earning.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

Adding another child will only cause more resentment

[Happydaddy29]

Why should we not be allowed our own child together.... I'm talking Years to come not now.... lots of step families do.

They can't find me on the system it's been the same for 3 years but I don't earn no where near that amount and now see her.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

If they couldn’t find you on the system they wouldn’t be able to make you pay so that’s alot BS ,you will have a case number and like I stated you send payslips or P60 to show proof of earnings. Most people who go on to have further children aren’t resentful of existing dc from previous relationship and shouldn’t be bringing new dc into the mix, are happy comfortably supporting there existing children they currently have. It’s a recipe for disater

[TempusEejit]

"I know she spends lots of time cooking the tea and cleaning ready for my daughter to come over"

Do you do the same for her and your stepdaughter, by that I mean lots of the time and not just the odd occasion? If not then no wonder it's easier for you to love your DSD like your own if you're not feeling the resentment of doing a load of extra child-related work that doesn't get reciprocated.

As for expecting a stepparent to love their stepchild - would you expect her to love your parents if they had to move in with you? Or your siblings? etc etc. People aren't necessarily loveable just by virtue of being under 18. It's great if you love your stepdaughter but it should be a bonus, not an expectation.

You do sound like you care though, I hope you can work things out.

[Happydaddy29]

In a few years..... my partner clearly doesn't want to feel like this because she makes so much effort and tries so hard. I just wanted to find a way of making it easier for her. She likes my daughter. I understand she doesn't love her and that's fine but she has tried so hard and she makes the same effort for both of the children so a child can be added to our family in the future.

3 years ago I told csa that I was having a family arrangement and so because of that they worked out my payments and I pay it directly to my exs bank, they gave me a case number then, however I've tried to contact them as my pay is a lot less than it was 3 years ago and wanted it reassed. I give them my case number but they can't find my national insurance number....
I'm currently trying to see if there's any way they can just treat me as a 'new' client as such and they said they are sending some paperwork out.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

I’ve told you several times what to do it’s not hard you need to provide proof in payslips or p60. What you think happens when people move jobs. It gets reassessed and a new amount calculated.

[Happydaddy29]

Yes I guess I have been too hard on her and I should of said 'I'll do tea' or I'll do that.... I do the household chores as well but I guess I rarely cook unless it's an easier meal.... I'm not the best cook and I'll openly admit it. But I am very grateful for what she does for me and the children.

No she wouldn't love my parents if they moved in and I realise I have been unfair asking her that and it's ok not to love her. I'm grateful that she has taken us both on.... I think she presumed it would be easy already having a daughter and it's not so.... I just want to help her find it easier.

[Happydaddy29]

I'm currently waiting for the paperwork from the csa.... been waiting since last month and I called up last week saying I hadn't received anything.

[Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows]

There’s a calculator online to work out the “appropriate” amount payable to give you an idea. Quote that when you ring them, give them you case number and ask for email or post recorded your playslips or p60 and request a reassessment. It is a simple as that.

[Happydaddy29]

Thank you.... I will have a look online at that and say I'm going to send over my payslips and p60. Thank you....

[lunar1]

So you support your partner who has chosen to work less to study. You support her child who you live with because her dad doesn't pay towards her. You don't seem to blame any other bills for you having no money.

Have you phoned the council tax and told them about her ex not paying, you supporting your partners child and her studying part time, do you think they will need and except less money or that bill?

Or is it just the child you brought into the world that stops you living the life you want? If your girlfriend wants a holiday so much then she needs to work enough to pay for one, not moan about you paying to raise your daughter.