Struggling SS

[whatsfairisfair]

Hi All,

Advice needed, SS has had a tough year. Mum had a few issues with family and her and BF split up. We all thought SS was doing really well, grades good at school, seeming happy/social. All of a sudden he is really clingy, following DH around all the time, apologising all the time, not sure what for? Last night he went to bed, then about 30 minutes later is banging on our door in a panic, in complete hysterics - no other reason than because he couldn't sleep. We are aware that things have been tough, so been trying to make time with us fun and relaxing. But aware that as he's and only child he might be bored, we've offered to have a friend over but he will point blank refuse. We asked his mum about this, he doesn't like the fact he's from a split family and doesn't want to draw attention to it. By having friends over. He is 10, never known his parents together. What can we all do to make him feel a bit happier and secure ?

He needs to learn to feel secure opening up talking about how he feels. My DS sounds a bit like your SS. He does very well at school, has very good friends and appears very sociable.

However, I've discovered since he was about 10 that he is actually quite introverted, like his own company and although he has good friends, he feels awkward in larger groups, does know what to say but to respond politely. He keeps his feelings for himself and doesn't like attention drawn on him at all.

I've had to learn to read his mood behind his behaviour and then pick the right time to get him to open up. It's not easy especially as he is now a teenager. I've learned that I shouldn't wait for him to come to me for things but I actually need to take responsibility for encouraging and even pushing him.

Latest example, he didn't even want to celebrate his birthday, said he didn't see the point in it, it was just a day like any other etc... I actually had to drag him out of his room when grandparents arrived in the afternoon and his face looked like it was the worse possible chore, but then he started to engage, open his cards, his presents, his face starting to smile more and more, and it was clear at the end of it that he was really happy (especially with one particular present).

So my suggestion is arrange as much one to one time with him, doing things even if he says no to start with. Use these times to start chatting casually and then start asking some questions in neutral tons to get him to open up. Only listen at this point and ask questions, advice and actions can come later.

he doesn't like the fact he's from a split family and doesn't want to draw attention to it

Given just how normal split families are in the UK, this rings an alarm bell for me. Is someone bullying him? Making fun of him? It might be worth a word with school to see if they can shed any light and have them keep an eye on him.

No bullying that we know of, school report is that he is popular and social. We all get on, his mum, DH and me .... so he doesn't feed off any animosity from us.

Kids are all different. I separated from my kids' dad at about the same time my friend did too. Our eldest are the same age. My DD was never bothered by it at all, let alone ashamed, even though she was the only one with separate parents in her group of friends. My friends' son though was deeply ashamed of it and blamed his mum for the separation for many years (even though it's his dad who wanted the separation leaving my friend devastated).

There is probably something going on in his life that he hasn't shared yet, maybe one friend whose dad moved miles away after he and new partner had a baby but feels too stupid to mention that he is worried the same could happen, or even maybe think that if he mentions it, it could give you the idea to do so.

“*ohreallyohreallyoh

he doesn't like the fact he's from a split family and doesn't want to draw attention to it

Given just how normal split families are in the UK, this rings an alarm bell for me. Is someone bullying him? Making fun of him? It might be worth a word with school to see if they can shed any light and have them keep an eye on him.”*

My DD10 did and does suffer with excruciating embarrassment over her split status, doesn’t bother the DSC at all, I have mentioned elsewhere on here already that she has a wonderful secure step-family, but it is irrelevant of how common it is for some children, when it’s your own family

I’m not disagreeing with you, it could also be that just that, was just a thought from my experience :)

One of mine is the same age and has only in the last few months told some of his friends his parents have split up.

I over heard him on facetime and there was no doubt he did not like talking about it, but the friend asking the questions is lovely been round here loads but had never twigged. His parents had just announced they were splitting up and the comments coming out of my DCS mouth were so old and mature.

" aslong as you your mum and dad stay friends you are ok - cos then they talk to each other and you do not need to repeat yourself all the time"

" hope your SM is better than mine was, she did .........." ( some of which I knew about and some I did not)

" MY SM is now not my SM, but she is such a B*ch to my Dad. She does not get it, she is not important it is the children"

" No you do not have to like your SM, just say please and thankyou and smile nicely then she can not complain about you - well she will but no one will believe her, because you are good!"

"yeah you just realise you are not as important in your Dads new life- it really hurts and makes me cry"

We have talked about some of what he said - he just wants a normal family but knows it will not happen. V hard to deal with and no answers.

Aw, @life, so hard to deal with (for both of you), what an articulate and sensitive little man though

Thanks he is - it is those unguarded moments when the most comes out. He is remarkably well adjusted on the surface but it is amazing how much hidden anger there is aswell.

He now is at an age where he understands his Dads actions were his own and so were his temporary SMs and to him, no matter what I say, his Dad chose her over him. This last year, their relationship has improved because he left OW and now sees his son so much more. He also apologised to DCs for not being a good Dad - lot of tears on that one , I can tell you - after 4 years of absolute shit form him and her.

Anyone who says the kids do not suffer is talking shit.

Agreed, utter shit, no child should ever have to go through the pain that a split family brings (I know it’s the only option sometimes, it is just so unfair for them), all we can do is keep making wonderful memories to drown out the rest. When that pain is inflicted on them by their own parent, just because they couldn’t stay faithful .... .... my Ex prioritised screwing around with 5(!) OW ahead of his children’s happiness

Big virtual hugs and gin

If anyone is reading this and you were a cheat, or you are with a cheat (especially as the OW/OM), then I think you’re total scum

The comments about me were so revealing:

Yeah, no my mum works ( his friends Mum is a SAHM) so she will have less time for you

And she will get cross with you - my mum can really shout!

No your Mum does everything and your Dad just lies and pretends.

Just wish my Mum was less stressed sometimes

I make her breakfast and a cup of tea on Saturday - my Dad used to now it is me, she needs it.

I like having cuddles in bed with her though!

He has never known his parents together, does that make it easier or worse ?

@life it sounds like you’re getting it right, cheers to you

@OP, I have both with my DCs, I honestly don’t know, it is very sad. Sending best wishes to you, have some gin

whatsfair - not sure. I think they want they perceive their friends have.

My eldest remembers clearly and because the affair was so unexpected, he does not understand what was wrong. We did not shout and scream, there was no violence. Then everything unravelled very fast when she pretended to be pregnant.

I think the let them work it out. Mine is very clingy at the moment, then fiercely independent the next. We have cuddles on the sofa before I go to work in the morning - his time, but asking him to go shopping with me then I am the worst Mum in the world!! They have lost something and adults do have to accept that - on both sides.

I can not be Mum and Dad, no matter how hard I try. DCs have always known me to work - never was an SAHM but for a while they resented my work because I did not pick them up every day from school ( 2 days per week) then it was because I did not go to every sports match, it changes with time. I also did not increase my work when EX left . We had a phase where they thought I was going to leave them as I was going out for a meal once per monthly roughly without them - became very clingy because I was getting home at 2200 - God forbid!!!

I would say stay the same and reassure him, something has him spooked him, and he is worried.

He may not have known his parents together, but he has known his mums boyfriend and her together. Did he like his mums boyfriend? Is he upset not to have this man in his life anymore? Even if it may have been a short time, kids can bond quickly.