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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Why do I suddenly resent the ground my step daughter walks upon? :(

54 replies

Shain · 01/01/2018 12:30

First of all, I know I'm being unreasonable. I'm trying to control it but this feeling is so deep rooted and strong that I'm struggling to smother it.
When I first met my partner, I knew he had a child and that he had her every weekend and on school holidays. I met her after a couple of months, when she was five, and I liked her a lot and quickly developed a loving bond with her. But the more time I've spent with her, the more she has begun to irritate me (she's a troubled child who demands the whole world to revolve around her, and the full attention of everyone in the room). I know that I should be making more of an effort because the unfortunate way she has been brought up on her mothers side is not her fault and I know that her behaviour is sometimes a cry for help, but she manipulates her dad who absolutely worships the ground she walks on, whereas for me I've grown so tired of this situation that I can't even stand to see her face any more. I don't even want to walk to the bathroom in the morning in case a floorboard creaks and she comes running to me. I can't stand the way she talks, eats, sings the same song over and over again, I can't even sit next to her any more because her presence prickles me. I do not want to feel like this, I want to be the happy family we once were and I know that it's me that's got the problem here, not her. Could this be some sort of natural rejection because I'm pregnant with my own child now? (Mine and her dads) I used to love her and enjoy spending time with her but now I absolutely dread Friday afternoons when I know we have to pick her up for the weekend. I'm going to seek help through counselling but I just wanted to know if anyone else has had/is having this experience and what can help to resolve it? Thank you ladies, please don't be too harsh with your comments, believe me the guilt of feeling this way is already eating me up enough x

OP posts:
lifeandtheuniverse · 04/01/2018 16:47

Hyperbole on your part - not all ex wives are blameless perfect parents, not do they all baby their children and not all SMs are awful - but you had to bring it up!

think the OP is being sensible in seeking counselling and the comments have been hugely constructive with little bitching.

For your 2 younger DSCs - they are still part of your family unit, they onyl disrupt it if you see it that way.

Clairebella82 · 05/01/2018 12:49

I completely understand where this might come from and I think you're amazing for seeking help before it gets to the point that the child begins to pick up on it!
It's hard having step children, and I hate how it's so easy to blame the step-parent for everything!!! We're not without fault, We're human and experience human feelings and emotions, and shouldn't take the flack just because we fell in love with someone who already has children!
I think what you are feeling is probably a phase, but even if it isn't, you most definately should not give up the relationship or blame yourself. It's early days and you and your partner can get through it with understanding and communication xx

DullAndOld · 05/01/2018 12:51

ye my stepmother wishes my brother and I didn't exist as well.
Some kind of visceral stepmother reaction I guess

jingleberries · 07/01/2018 18:20

I'm with you!! I feel almost exactly the same. I don't have answers for you. I have found that spending a bit of time apart helps ( I have organised things to do on Saturdays the weekends we have her) and that has helped. Counselling helped a bit too but I am hoping it's just a phase for both of us!! Will keep my fingers crossed for you xx

BertieBotts · 07/01/2018 18:33

I think irritation you know is irrational is totally normal during pregnancy - I've found myself feeling extremely irritated by my son and also my husband, and they're not acting any differently to normal.

MN has quite a strange attitude to stepparents as though any negative feelings ever are somehow evil, when they are simply human, and it's really fine to have bad feelings as long as you're working through them!

I think it is a good plan though to try and get your head around the fact your DSD is a part of your family, and although it's your first baby, it won't be the same as most people's experience of having their first child. Maybe read some books about introducing a new sibling to a child, (siblings without rivalry is good), maybe encouraging good relationships with large age gaps, helping her feel included and special, rather than looking at it from the perspective of your baby being the first child in the family, as it's an entirely different experience. And BTW, it's normal and okay to feel a bit put out at this and grieve that experience that you'll now never have, but of course recognise that it's not anybody's fault, it is just part of having a relationship with somebody who already has children. Let it be something you process and move on from, because as you know being a stepmum can be an amazing experience with plenty of benefits, plus your child is going to benefit hugely from having a big sister to look up to and play with too.

I also found the age 5 to be a really difficult, attention-seeking kind of age with DS. It definitely gets better by 6 and by 7 I was really enjoying his company so much more.

Dorey27 · 08/01/2018 21:53

Fully relate. It started also when I was pregnant. I find getting out and doing my own thing on those weekends definitely help. I'm still trying to figure it all out myself. It's a struggle x

Whoopsadoo · 12/01/2018 23:11

I was the same when I was pregnant. I couldn’t help my feelings, and I’m sorry to say they intensified as my pregnancy progressed and also in the early days with a newborn. However, it did start to lift and we are back to normal now. I do question whether I had pre/postnatal depression so perhaps you could discuss this with your GP/Mifwife, if only to rule it out.

It’s difficult isn’t it, you know you ‘shouldn’t’ feel this way but you can’t help it. Then you feel guilty and it all goes around again!

Be kind to yourself, talk to your DP, and protect your DSDs world - she is in for a huge change in her life too.

Feel free to PM me if you would like to.

LHReturns · 04/02/2018 01:44

For me having my own children dramatically improved my relationship and love for my DSD and DSS. A combination of finally understanding how my DH felt about his first two children, so knowing I didn’t have to feel excluded or threatened in any way; plus my two DS are so besotted with their old half brother and sister that I have just become so grateful to have them around. Weekends when my stepchildren are with us are far preferable to when they are not as my kids are so much happier with their idols here. It took time to get to this stage but you may find this All gets better once your baby arrives (and starts interacting).

Leilaniiii · 04/02/2018 02:22

6 year old girls can be intensely irritating. At least you are owning the problem rather than blaming her. It should get better as she gets older.

mrsaxlerose · 06/02/2018 16:39

I feel for you. It must be awful for you all. I must admit I try to love my DSS but he irritates me and I don't like looking at him. If anyone hurt him or he needed me I would be there like a shot but when he is around me its a different story.

Hope you work through it

The1975 · 10/02/2018 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meme70 · 07/03/2018 21:34

I live this forum not lol some people are judgemental and have t got a clue and can’t jnless they’ve experience what you have .

I live kids always have I was a baby sitter aged 11
A children’s nanny for rich people from aged 17
I had 8 year infertility treatment
I had 3 children and late baby loss
I have a step child who is very hard work and dominates the whole house with her very draining moods
She was 6 when I meet her dad she’s 11 now
She used to sit on the other side of him and pull him away from me
This child I did everything for all her care all her clothes buying one to one time took her out helped with her homework pickers her up when she was distraught when her mother neglected her but still she doesn’t want me around her dad and even said she wants them to do all things just the 2 of them low firework family display

I give my husband and her loads time alone but she still is very very needy she demands her Mum and dad spend all they’re time with her and it’s draining

Why people say leave split up you’ve mental health problems is beyond me it’s much harder to bond with a child that’s not yours
Your expected to parent them but you’ve not got the authority as your not they’re parent ?

I don’t think it will get easier her dad has her quiet often and you have a baby in the way

There’s something she’s doing that is making you feel this way even if she’s going it’s not you it’s somehhing more

I do get cross how all these people belittle stepmoms if we have t a bind with these children it’s not god given and it’s a hard job much harder than being a child’s real parent

Belindabauer · 10/03/2018 08:18

Op could you explain to your dh that you feel very hormonal and tiered and need to be alone much more?
I think he needs to be the one running around after his child and should give you some space.
I don't think you should have to go out when dsd comes but you might have to to prove a point,
I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Frances003 · 02/11/2018 20:33

I’m so happy I have read this post and replies. It is exactly how I’ve been feeling and I feel a monster for it .
Met my husband when my stepdaughter was 3 - she is now 7, we’ve always had a great relationship ... but I couldn’t pin point whether it was since changing my job last year and working shifts, meaning I spent less quality time with them - or being pregnant that I had these feelings !
I just feel dread when it’s our weekend to have her , I dread when I have her alone in this time because I feel like I don’t know what to do with her - whereas previously I loved our alone time.
I do think a lot of it boils down to my pregnancy , wondering if my partner will love our child as much as his daughter , and also the fact I’m not physically as able as before !
I’m hoping I will understand a parent child relationship more once my baby is born, appreciate the sibling bond I hope they’ll have - and if not , I will seek counselling like yourself !

I’d love to know how your situation is now

Florries · 02/11/2018 20:51

Really feel for you, OP. Kudos for being so open and honest.

I have no advice for you but wanted to wish you all the best and hope it gets easier with SD. Massive congrats on your pregnancy!!

Branleuse · 02/11/2018 21:16

So common this happens when someone has their own baby that thevstepparent starts rejecting the existing child, its almost a cliche

Spanglyprincess1 · 03/11/2018 05:31

Op another one to say it's normal when pregnant. It's how I felt and when I spoke to midwife it can be way some people with biology kids feel. Baby is all consuming and needs you, plus I was very ill in pregnancy so exhusted. Be kind to yourself but also be prepared that it may be the same, worse or better when you have a few born. My feelings have eased now ds is 4mths but they have never gone back to what they were as the chasm between my feelings for my own child and DSC is huge.
Talk to your midwife or HV as mine were both very helpful, as I do have pnd which wasn't helping.
My dp was less than helpful but that's a different story

Spanglyprincess1 · 03/11/2018 05:33

Sorry for typos !

swingofthings · 03/11/2018 11:11

Whatever you feel, things will be OK as long as you continue to accept that the issue is with you and you only. You can then seek help to change your feelings rather than expecting everyone else to change to appease you. It is often much easier to get people to change to suit then to cope with the guilt of one's feeling and frustration with feeling hopeless.

As long as you explain to your OH that it's you who has an issue, he should be supportive of how you feel.

Cherries101 · 03/11/2018 15:20

This reply has been deleted

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Spanglyprincess1 · 03/11/2018 16:09

Cherries - I don't think that's helpful at all. Even the HV agreed that hormones can really impact how you feel towards everyone, partners included.

funinthesun18 · 03/11/2018 16:57

Cherries as spanglyprincess pointed out, hormones can really affect how you feel during pregnancy. They can make you quite irrational. I found my most recent pregnancy very difficult emotionally and and the things that wouldn’t normally bother me, bothered me A LOT! Now I’ve had the baby those things don’t bother me.
It’s unfair to say that a woman has no place being a mum because of how she feels during pregnancy. The op doesn’t truly hate her stepchild.

Frances003 · 03/11/2018 20:23

Cherries what an insensitive thing to say - don’t have any business being a mum - who are you to make that decision!?!?!? She could be a brilliant mum, who are you to judge !
You don’t know people’s situation , the struggles they may have had to conceive or just their general life , background , health etc ! What a terrible thing to say to any mother , especially from a mother !!!!

Smile2468 · 28/06/2019 05:18

I'm only about a year late in responding...I thought I was the only one. I too have a SD who just turned six. I've known her since she was one. I have nothing to add to your post, as you already said it all. I'm going crazy trying to figure out my situation. I hate being like this!! I try so hard. I'm starting counseling.

Spanglyprincess1 · 28/06/2019 07:59

Hey smile, it's really normal honestly. It get worse then better then worse then better.
My baby is just turning one and lights up when he sees his half siblings, so that's a good thing to focus on if pregnant etc they get a lovely sibling relationship but also some time to themselves to learn to play etc. It's really nice - but very hard work.