Just don't know how to make things better for her

[pointerbrother]

I have 2 dcs, partner has 1 dc. He has 50/50 contact with her. Partners dc is extremely clingy to him even though we have been together a while now. We don't live together though. I would never push things with her but it's starting to affect how my dc are and I just find it upsetting.

I was with all the dcs yesterday while my partner was busy. All was fine for a bit until the dcs started talking about lunch. Partners dc asked my dd1 who she wanted to sit by at lunch, my dd1 said 'you' partners dd said well I want to sit by Daddy. She then asked my dd2 who she wanted to sit by who said 'name' as in partner. Partners dd then said well he's my daddy, why do you want to sit by my daddy? To which my dd2 replied, because he's my friend, which got a well he's MY daddy reply.

Later on while shopping partners dd wanted a toy which I had said no to her having. This got a 'I want my daddy' reaction. She was then a bit short with my dd2 which I pulled her up on, I treat them all the same with regard to manners etc, and that was met with 'I want my daddy'.

This behaviour is on repeat whenever I'm with them all. When we are all together she does not leave my partners side and if she has to be separated from him or one of my dc or me happen to sit next to him she kicks off until she gets him back to herself again. It's exhausting!

Any advice? Or just let it run its course? She's 6 btw.

Seems pretty normal to me.

Oh ok, thanks. I'm so new to this and just have no idea what is in store.

Sorry OP, no real advice but I can imagine my dd1 acting like this in a blended family scenario - she's 6 too and was making a fuss about who sat next to whom in the carol concert the other day. I think you have to pick your battles - is probably pretty natural for her to be a bit clingy to her dad as it's an unfamiliar situation (even though you've been together a while) and just hope she gets more comfortable with you all as time goes on. But the "I want my daddy" when she doesn't get her own way, while also something I can imagine my dd1 doing, needs a consistent approach of your dp backing you up every time so she knows she won't get a different message either way. If your dp is not there at the time, don't rise to it, find a calm but neutral stock response "I'm sure Daddy will say just the same as me" or something - and repeat.

Thank you. She doesn't do it when we're all together, it's just the clinginess and bossiness to my dcs which gets swept away by my dp because she isn't used to having siblings and 'sharing' her daddy. I get that but I'm trying to teach them all about being kind and it just seems that she is being given more leeway because of her situation.

She is 6 and insecure. She sees that your DCs get her Dad more and is jealous.

YOur DCs expecting to sit by her Dad, on her time and not get the response - he is my daddy - would be a miracle at the age of 6 yrs.

More reassurance and not making her feel pushed out - which the who do you want to sit next to scenario was. Your DCs will know she wants her Dad and will play on this aswell.

Time and reassurance and a recognition, at least for a while that she wants her Dad and her Dad needs to make her feel comfortable with the situation.

She lives with her dad and has 1-1 contact with him all the time though. Would I be wrong to think that when we are together (which is only every other weekend) it's about teaching all the dcs that we are a unit and that one dc should not be calling the shots about who does what and who sits where and having a tantrum if they don't get their own way?

But you're not a unit are you? You don't live together, you're not married. From his daughters POV she is the significant female in his life, not you and not your children. She is asserting herself here because she feels threatened and insecure.

I never even thought of it like that. Thank you. That makes a lot of sense actually and explains a lot of the behaviour about why my dcs or me aren't 'allowed' to sit by dp.

Hi @pointerbrother - I think at her age & given the circumstances it's pretty normal. However if you and dp are envisaging moving in together & having a future, certain things will have to be tackled.
My dd who is now 12 was 4 when ex & I split & 5 when his partner moved in. DD defo struggled with this & my boys (older) would always comment on how she wouldn't let anyone else sit beside her dad & that her behavior was generally way worse (attention seeking) over there than at home with me. Ex didn't tackle it at all & moved between lecturing her & giving in to her & his partner also didn't help by pushing herself between dd & ex on the sofa.
I tackled it at my end by talking to her about relationships (in age appropriate language) & emphasized that we all have to share the people we love; that I had to share her with her dad & his partner & other examples like that; that we can't always have things exactly how we want them. We spoke a lot & there were a lot of tears. Slowly but surely things clicked. Ex went on to have two more kids which also caused a little trouble initially but I found that letting her take up horse riding at this point was a god send. She had an interest that had nothing to do with either parent, it's for her & her alone; it's taught her responsibility & independence & she gets such a buzz being known as the horsey one. I hope this independence & self reliance will help her gravitate to her peer group when a teen & will stop her becoming over dependent on her fathers attention by way of self validation, as I think this is all too common in girls.
I think your sdd's worries & fears need to be acknowledged but not indulged.
Re the seating at the table & the he's my daddy comments I'd say something like yes he is aren't you lucky & you get to sit beside him today, but you know we're all going to take turns sitting beside each other from now on - sort of make a game out of it. She won't like it some days & your dds won't like it some days but tough lol - it's about learning to share.
Also - you & your dp need to be on exactly the same page re discipline otherwise she'll sense a chink & work it.
Good luck.🍀

When my DH got together his two were 5 and 8, mine was 10. Whenever we went out together we made sure his two sat on either side, or walked holding his hand. He would push them on the swings and generally made sure they were comfortable with everything.
This was 13 years ago, and whilst it hasn’t always been plain sailing (like most families) we have managed to navigate the blended family.
My advice would be to make her feelings count, so for example if you are out walking make a big deal of her holding daddy’s hand, if you go to the movies make sure she knows that her place will be next to daddy, this will mean over time she might stop pushing it so much.
Good luck, blending families is hard but done sensitively will reap rewards in the future.

One of my DH’s was exactly like this and has pretty much completely grown out of it (between the age of 2-6), a slight preference for daddy, guess that’s understandable, but nothing unbearable or problematic. Stick it out, it gets easier, but right now it sucks

It sounds like she is constantly on edge thinking your children may come between her and her dad. If she thinks there is going to be a competition for his attention she will do everything she can to win.

You are making her compete for her dad by saying who wants to sit where. The more she sees that nothing will change between her and her dad the more relaxed she will probably become with the rest of you.

Thank you so much everyone. Some really great advice here. Dp and I have had a big chat this afternoon and we are going to try some of the stuff mentioned here, neither of us really delved into why she might be like this so it's been really eye opening to see it in black and white. Much appreciated

My DD2 (similar age to your partner's DD) acts in a similar way but about me (her DM). Similarly she lives almost all of the time with me, OH and DD1 and has a good relationship with DSD and DSS. She finds it very difficult to share my attention with any other member of our family.

I think it stems from insecurities, which we are doing our best to assist her with but unfortunately several of the stressors are outside our control.

I also think it is partly due to her age, and that she has a feisty personality and wants to stand her ground with the older DCs (she's the youngest). Cutely, one of the things she thinks is worth fighting her older siblings for is my attention, contact and time. Unfortunately the other DCs are young enough that they can't see what is going on, and so are equally determined that she not defeat them.

I do my best to make sure they all feel loved and appreciated. It's a compliment to matter so much, but exhausting!