Partners ex causing problems

[Clairebella82]

Hi all! This is my first experience of being part of a blended family so any advice would be welcome! My partner and I have been together for a year and a half now and we have 5 kids between us... 3 of mine and two of his. Our problem is his ex who just won’t let go and is making our lives miserable. We already went to court for access to his children as she has a history of stopping contact and we have called the police on her for harassment via messages and phone calls. She messages him saying she still loves him and that I am the reason they can’t be together because she thinks he still loves her back. She is now trying to push his family away from us as they are all worried she will take their children away to Germany as she continually threatens (she’s German and has family there). My partners Mum and Dad have constant contact with his ex, and socialise with her, go round for coffee, day trips out and my partner and I feel pushed out because we are constantly reminded of her and can’t move on if she is still friends with them. Now my partner and his parents have fallen out as his ex uses this situation to her advantage and i don’t know how to make the situation better as they say they need to be friends with her to keep her happy. What do we do? Is it unreasonable for us to ask that they don’t remain friends with her?

Yes, in my opinion it is. They are adults and can be friends with whoever they want. Not unreasonable you want rid of the drama and hassle, however. Presumably they see the children more than they would if they only saw them when they are with you? What assurances can you give them if they give up the friendship?

I'd be keeping on friendly terms with her too if it meant I saw my DGC.

Has your DP considered a prohibitive steps order to prevent ex taking the DC to Germany or elsewhere in the UK.

I think that your partner's parents are playing things wisely.
How much contact does your partner have? How close does he live to his parents?

Your partner has broken up with his ex. Your partner's parents haven't and are actually doing your partner a favour by being involved in his kids lives and creating a reason not to move away.

Hmmm - I'm going to flip this a little.
When ex & I split 8 years ago his parents made great efforts to stay in contact with me - invitations to dinner, lunch, offers to babysit etc.
Now, I had a good relationship with his parents but I thought 2 things. 1. Their need to see me & the kids was more about them not wanting the entire family to split apart than about them seeing me & the kids together. And 2. I felt that my continuing a daughter in law type relationship with them was both confusing for the kids (whose dad was with the OW who is still his partner) & sort of disrespectful to the new life my ex was trying to forge for himself.
To that end I told them I'd always be friends with them (I still stay in touch via social media etc.) but that the kids should see them on their dads time & not mine. The new reality is that I was no longer their daughter in law no matter how much they wanted me to be.
My kids now see their dad's family regularly on his time & my family regularly on my time (of course both ex & I accommodate gps birthdays etc.)
Personally I feel this to be very healthy - all our boundaries are clear & everyone is happy.
In reverse my dps kids are always seeing his family on both his time & his ex's time. For some reason she allows this (dps family contact the kids directly) but has stated to dp she's not happy with it & although the woman is a nightmare I fully agree with her. She rarely has a full weekend with the kids & I think while it's done from a good place it's kind of disrespectful of dps family to go over her head & contact the kids independently. I also think it's disrespectful of dp to not tackle this.
That's my tuppence worth.

I don't think it's something you can ask no, but I completely understand why you would want to and how hard this must be for you

As s previous poster suggested, look into legal options. If they are only friends with her through fear then perhaps it will help

I understand them wanting to be close to their grandchildren but I think it's quite inconsiderate of them not to consider your partners feelings in all this and come up with ways to spend more time with their grandchildren via him

it is up to them who they are friends with

I think the friendship of your OH’s parents and his EW is disrespectful to your OH and I fully agree with the poster @Magda72.

I’ll give you an example. My OH had this when he split up with his EW. His parents were so desperate to see the grandkids they forgot about their own sons feelings and continued a relationship with the EX daughter in law (who was very bitter and refusing the dad contact). My OH was pushed out by his own parents and their relationship broke down. The mother was refusing the dad contact, but slowing the grandparents contact on her terms. The breaking point for his parents was when they paid for the EW and kids to go on holiday with them and over dinner one night the EW mentioned how she was going to ‘screw their son for everything everything he had’. His parents now realise that they were being manipulated by the EW and they have rebuilt their relationship with their son.

Relationships do breakdown. This woman is no longer the daughter in law. The kids can see the grandparents on your partners time. I think it’s disrespectful to your partner.

Of course the parents can see the children on their son’s time, but it’s not always that simple, is it? What about situations where the grandparents have provided childcare? Should they stop because things have changed or is it better for everyone to be adult, leave arrangements in place rather than have mum and dad split up, and be shoved in childcare as well? What about situations where grandparents have established contact on, day, Wednesdays but Wednesday is now the ex’s day? Who exactly should be the priority in these situations?

I have every empathy with the OP but it’s not as simple as ‘it’s disrespectful’, is it?

Ohreally I see your point, but the parents dont have to be best buddies, going on days out etc with the ex and upsetting their son in order to do this

If the grandparents are involved in childcare, that's fine and you would assume it's a set time etc. Obviously there must be communication and a cordial relationship, but like in most cases, there should be boundaries set for grandparents too

My partners ex asks my partner to ask his mum for help if needed. It's respectful to my partner who doesn't want to speak to his mum one day and be told his daughter is with her that weekend.

I wasn't the crazy ex that you are describing, and I'm the one who left OH and certainly didn't want him back but I stayed very close friends with his parents. Like you, his new partner was very unhappy about it. She first told it to my ex, my ex told his parents and their response was that they were very happy to welcome her in the family and of course they would respect her position and not invite me at the same time than her if it was an issue, but that she had no right whatsoever to tell them who they could see or not. We'd grown very close whilst I was with their son, they cared for me as a person in addition to the mother of their grand children and considered me very much like another daughter.

Unfortunately, at a meal there, she told them herself that she wasn't happy about it and more or less told them off for it which really riled them off. This led to her refusing to see them, and my ex supporting her and so stop seeing them too.

I remain close to them, seeing them regularly and they welcome my new partner in their lives just as they were prepared to welcome my ex's new partner. They even came to our wedding!

Before he met her, I asked my ex if he was ok with me still seeing his parents and he said at the time that he didn't mind at all and indeed, we met there a few times for big events after we separated.

I think it's very sad that she felt she could command who they should see or not just to please her. They are lovely people and would definitely have welcome them in their family. They just didn't see why it would mean having to exclude me from their lives.

You've only been together for a short time and you probably still have a lot to find out about the dynamics of the family and his past. Just focus on making your family work with all the kids and let his parents lead the life they want to lead.

Thanks all. It’s good to get the different viewpoints. I’m definitely not one to tell people who they can and can’t talk to, but it’s causing massive rifts within the family. My partner is not talking to his parents now because everything we tell them gets back to his ex, and she uses it against us. She stops contact with the kids but allows the grandparents contact still without anyone telling us. We have a court order which she continually breaches but we can’t afford to go back to court to enforce it!!

It really sounds like the ex is using the gps in a battle to keep what she considers to be her family intact. The grandparents are falling for it & to be honest they will suffer as she will most likely drop them like a tonne of bricks once she has no further use for them.
I would really try & get your OH to talk to his parents, really talk to them, & reassure them that they will see the kids plenty but it has to be on his time.
If they want to stay friends with his ex no one can stop them & they can of course stay in touch with her, but the poor kids have to be removed as bribes/bargaining tools & as such gps visitation really needs to be on their sons time.
Kids see more than adults go be them credit for & they are going to realize they are caught between their df, their dm & their gps & that's really not fair on them.

That's exactly it! He's tried it all, but his ex then makes out as if it's me trying to split the whole family up! I just don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore! The kids have been used as weapons the whole time, all because she can't let go and we've had them in counselling etc. When my OH is civil to her, she sends messages saying that she knows he still loves her and that it's me that's keeping them apart and it all starts up again!
Sometimes think it would be easier to leave this relationship because I can't see an end to it all and it's been like this since we got together!

My partner is not talking to his parents now because everything we tell them gets back to his ex,
Like what? He just needs to watch what he tells them if he can't trust them not to repeat certain things, but is he totally sure this is what is happening?

It really sounds like the ex is using the gps in a battle to keep what she considers to be her family intact. The grandparents are falling for it & to be honest they will suffer as she will most likely drop them like a tonne of bricks once she has no further use for them.
You have absolutely no idea that this is the case and maybe like me, they just still get along. It would have really p* off if my ex had told them that I was using them and would drop them when they were no more used to me because it couldn't have been further from the truth (it's been 15 years now and we are as close as ever were and I'm there for them more than they are for me).

Again, it's up to them if they want to see their grand children whilst seeing her. My kids see them more through me than their dad but funily enough, that was the case even when we were together as I often took the kids to their house whilst he stayed home because he couldn't be bothered.

If the grandparents wanted nothing to do with her, that would be fair enough that she just moved on, but they do and that's their right to do so, end of. Surely you're confident enough in your relationship not to care what she texts or say to your partner, let alone his parents?

It all sounds like too much hassle for me. You've only been together 18 months and are using 'we' alot for things that you'd probably be better off stepping back from like court proceedings and his children's counselling. I wouldn't really want my kids getting caught up in what sounds like a very high conflict and difficult situation, I'd walk away. It's still early days and you presumably have no ties.

Avoiding telling them stuff as it gets back to the ex is easily solved surely.
I think you have to live with her jealousy, it will fade when she meets someone else. She is therlir mother and not going anywhere (by that I mean not going out of the DCs lives) so will always be around your lives. I’m not sure what you want to happen, I feel you have to ignore or work round the problems, they should diminish with time.

I don't see what's wrong in them going along with her on day trips out. Presumably, these are day trips with their grandchildren? Nice for all concerned. By maintaining a relationship with her they probably see more of their gcs than they would otherwise. And, however unpleasant she is to you, they may actually like and feel sorry for her.

I can understand why it makes you feel insecure. But this isn't like splitting up with a boyfriend and not seeing his family any more. She is the mother of their gcs. She's been part of their lives a lot longer than you have. They have built up a relationship with her independent of your DP. Just because he wants to be with you now, doesn't mean they should cut ties with her. How would the children feel?

@swingofthings - I see your point but tbh I would have a very low opinion of parents who choose (& that's what they're doing) their sons ex over their son.
This is not the same as your experience. You sound reasonable but this particular ex is not - she is defaming the op; is categorically declaring she wants her ex back & is preventing her ex from moving on by using their children as a weapon.
And no I don't know the exact story but if she was so concerned with maintaining a good relationship with her ex's parents for the sake of the kids she wouldn't be threatening to leave the country!

I’d find it difficult too; my OHs parents are on friendly terms with DSDs Mum and are able to negotiate a bit when things are tense between my OH and his daughters Mum but I’ve never felt pushed out or uncomfortable because of it. By continuing to socialise with her they’re very much dancing to her tune and it makes it difficult for your place in the family to be cemented.
Can your oh get a prohibited steps order to prevent her from taking them to Germany which removes that threat?

I appreciate all the posts. Just to confirm, my partner and I are very close, as are our children regardless of the length of our relationship. I also want to point out that I have exes and am an ex myself so I know how difficult the situation can be but I remain civil with my exes parents without being too friendly because there are now boundaries. I'm not insecure about my partners ex and I'm not controlling who his parents can and can't talk to, however his ex is manipulating this situation and I was looking for advice as to what my partner should do and whether others have experienced similar. I do feel pushed out, as does my partner and it's his own family! She constantly threatens to take the children away despite the court order and we are unsure of how to move forward when she does breach the orders as we do not have a lot of money.

A lawyer is required regarding what to put in place with her threats to take the children away.

If his parents fear not seeing the kids...it's no surprise they are keeping in touch with her and staying close.

It's down to your DP to tell her he doesnt love or want to get back with her and it's not because of you they aren't together.

They obviously split up for a reason...which I presume wasn't you.

He has to stop telling his parents stuff if they can't be trusted. Simple.

Magda it doesn't matter how the ex is behaving. If these people for whatever reason still like her and want to spend time with her than it remains their choice and decision. It's the same principle than new partner who demand that their partner don't see particular friends because these friends are still in contact with their exes. You can never expect people to stop contact with someone they want to see just to make you happy.

OP my advice is build your relationship with them ignoring the ex. Go and see them with your partner and talk about you, them, your partner. If they mention thge ex then ask them politely if they would mind not do so when you're there.

If they don't want to accept you then there is nothing you can do and your partner will need to decide whether he sees them without you or cut contact.