Step mum watching husband being a crap lazy dad

[FairyStepMummy]

Ok I know the heading is judgemental but that is where I am. My DH wants us to behave like a family - and so do I. DSS is 12 and DSS is 9. Both love me, accept me as the mother figure when we are together, I've moved house to be near them, take all my holidays with them all as a family etc etc. They couldn't wait for me to marry their dad and their mum is fine with me. It should be great.

But I am getting increasingly frustrated with my DH's laziness around the kids. He likes to cook for them, cuddle them and lounge around playing Ipad games and watching TV. He has very few boundaries with them so DSS is on his phone or screens all day and night. He's in need of hobbies but DH never suggests anything so it's always down to me to behave like a jolly hockey sticks school mistress forcing everyone out on a walk or outing.

In some ways I'd be happy to take on the role of active parent and I don't think anyone would mind but how can I (should I?) point out to DH that his boy desperately needs and wants his time, his admiration, his praise and some help developing an identity. He's not going to get that if they lie in bed all morning playing Clash of Clans!!!

Well I suppose this is one of the reasons he's no longer with the boy's Mother?

It's not something I'd like.

He's acting no differently to many dads around kids this generation. There are still some kids who somehow enjoy going out for a walk or doing some activities, but the vast majority of 12yo at least want nothing more with their dad then what they are doing.

Why do you want to get involved? Good if you don't mind and good if they respond positively, but you are going to start resenting doing so and they are going to start seeing you are a nag, then definitely don't bother. All good playing happy families, but you are not their mum, you don't have to raise them as you think they should be raised.

I have tried to have the attitude "they aren't my kids so who cares?" But I love them and want what's best for them. Their mum is kind of the same as their dad - clearly there are no rules around phone time and she has admitted the reason she hasn't got DSS into a football club at weekends is because she can't be bothered to take him there, drive to matches etc!! She's currently busy trying to get him diagnosed with ADHD which is ridiculous. He's a bored 12 year old with energy that's needs to be used up but no more than that.

It's ironic really that I as a step mum want to spend my weekends taking the children to clubs and museums and sporting stuff while neither parent can really be bothered.

I'm also upset as it isn't great for my relationship with their dad - to be honest I'm losing respect for him over the whole issue.

If both parents agree then you really don't get a say or any ability to influence things. It's sad because I prefer your way.

Had you any plans to have children with him yourself? This is exactly how he would parent yours as well.

I've been in exactly the same position as you in the past but I went ahead and organised the boys to play rugby and took them myself. After a few weeks my DH got on board and it became a very social thing for us as a family. Have you asked your step sons if they would like to do football or something? Perhaps they'd jump at the chance and if you were willing to enrol them, your DH might get involved. Someone needs to be proactive here and if that's you, then do it. I absolutely don't believe that Step mums should have to keep silent in the background!

But I love them and want what's best for them. But you don't know what is best for them. I too had images of taking my kids to educational events, going on walks, talking about nature and the rest. I ennjoyed that as a kid with my parents.

I spent years getting stroppy kids our of the door, trying to ignore the attitude when they said they didn't want to go, which then put me in a bad mood which I had to deal with. I still continued with it, but as they got older, it got harder and when I started venting to other mums, they confessed that they felt just the same because their kids (good kids, who do very well at school as my DS does, who don't get into trouble, who are polite and well behaved) also show no interest in going out with their parents so I've eased the pressure.

It doesn't make me a bad mum and I've found that as they get older, the interest comes back. After years of moaning about going on walks, and asking to be dropped everywhere, DD did the DofE and since then loves walking. DS started to walk everywhere to see his friends and he too loves it and is now himself doing DofE. He does football too, but have we been out during the break? Nope, not interested even though I've suggested a number of things.

Don't waste your energy trying to do what's best for them, that's their parents' decision to be made.

I agree with freshlemons

It doesn’t need to be rugby of course ( can recommend indoor sports from pov of spectating!)

But if dss’s got into an activity weekends and then perhaps during the week the downtime on the phone wouldn’t seem too bad. The older one may be growing out of museum trips etc soon anyway

Hi @FairyStepMummy - I sooooo hear you.
My dps sons will do NOTHING. Their dm won't encourage them to do stuff as she doesn't want to drive them to anything & they are glued to phones, iPads & Xbox. Dp in fairness tries with them but it's an ongoing battle.
One thing I started doing is for xmas I would buy dp & the kids tickets for something (exhibition/outdoor pursuits/concert etc.) so then they sort of had to do it. It hasn't changed anything on a weekly basis but they've gotten to do some fun stuff & dp says they enjoy themselves when at whatever it is, so he has started doing the same for them for birthdays.
It's something at least.

Thanks everyone for the support. It's good to know others have been through similar stuff. I'm going to just go for it and organise fun stuff. DH got very drunk and emotional last night (!) and was saying how fabulous I am for them all and teasing me for my bossy, organising ways! He says he wants to do more with the elder boy so I will just go for it and book golf lessons or whatever myself.

Part of the problem I think is that DH lacks confidence - the first marriage break up affected him badly so he's still adjusting from that and I am pretty sure he will be grateful if I lead the way and he will jump on board.

I think it's great that you are motivated, but don't fall into the trap of doing all those things for them, because you care for them and want the best, and then feel let down if they don't take up on it, or feel grateful towards you for it.

The eldest might end up loving golfing and that might be the start of him developing the skills and indeed, be very grateful that he got introduced to it thanks to you. However, he might (like my DS did) go for some lessons, do a few rounds, and then decide that it's not really his things.

Golf lessons costs a fortune and then if they do seem to get into it, the costs of the clubs are even worse. It's a massive investment for something he could give up shortly afterwards. I paid for two rounds of lessons for my DS, something like £300 in the end, and we did a few rounds and he was REALLY good at it, a natural, and I thought that would be his things as indeed he got a buzz when he hit a good ball, but afterwards, he admitted that he didn't care that much for it and enjoyed playing football with his friends much more.

I was a bit disappointed (doesn't help that he's not particularly good at football) but as a parent, I was ok with it. As a SP though, I am not so sure I would have just moved on without feeling a hint of resentment.

Your OH will of course be delighted, you are suggesting taking on one of the hardest part of parenting, but are you prepared to cope if it doesn't lead to the positive outcomes you are hoping for?

That's good advice. The golf is partly because DH wants to take it up so they have been together.

But you are right - I need to be sure that my satisfaction will come from TRYING and ensuring they have been given opportunities. If they still don't engage then that is their choice and I need to be able to accept that.

I confess it's partly for my own sanity. I want us to spend time together but I'm not spending my precious weekends watching garbage TV or sitting around in the house while the sun shines .....

"I need to be sure that my satisfaction will come from TRYING and ensuring they have been given opportunities."

I know you mean well but honestly there's no satisfaction to be had in going to a load of effort and it not being appreciated. If you were the DC's actual parent you'd be entitled to enforce your idea of what constitutes quality family time - however you're not so you can't. It might be different if their mum's attitude was more akin to yours and their dad just needed a kick up the jacksy to do his bit, but it seems like they were aligned in their parenting style both when they were together and now when they're apart. As long as everyone is being pleasant/civil to you, you just have to let them get on with living their lives in the way they see fit.

This is the kind of issue that makes step parenting so bloody hard. You become emotionally invested in your DSCs and naturally you'll want the best for them but ultimately you're powerless to make any final decisions. One of the recommended solutions is to try and detach a bit which brings its own problems because if you're anything like many stepmums you'll help out with cooking and shopping and other stuff for your DSCs - but try doing that on a regular basis for people you have little attachment to without becoming resentful!

I'm sorry I don't have any answers as such, just be aware that if you want to save your sanity you'll need to make peace with doing your own thing on the weekends if you can't get your DH to be proactive. Can you tell I'm talking from bitter experience? My own DH needs encouraging to do stuff with his DC, not because he's lazy but because he lacks imagination. So then when he gets lovely thoughtful Christmas and birthday presents chosen and paid for by his DC because he's dad of the year and I get random pound shop tat (the value isn't an issue, there's plenty of nice stuff in the poundshop they know I'd like if they gave it 2 seconds thought) then honestly it's the hardest punch in the guts. Of course I don't give to receive but it's a stark reminder of where I rank in their life despite us getting on well and me being a driving force behind lots of the "extras" they enjoy. Don't do it to yourself - of course in an ideal world I want to see my DSCs as happy as they possibly can be but ultimately that responsibility rests with DH and his ex. I can still support and do nice stuff for my DSCs but parenting's hard enough so in the absence of neglect leave it to the parents! just need to take my own advice now

I felt a bit like this when I first got together with my OH; I spoke to him about appreciating the time he has with DSD while she’s still a child and wants to spend time with her dad. I also introduced our own little family routines/activities and I notice recently that my OH has created some too that are “our” things or his and DSDs things that they do.
I still have to remind him that he’s the parent sometimes and that what he says goes but I know that comes from his wish to make the little time he does have with DD as good as it can be.

@TempusEejit - you have hit so many nails on the head there for me.
I am really struggling with my dps kids at the moment & feel myself detaching more & more. It's so hard doing nice things & being nice & trying to think of them and things from their POV without ANY reciprocity.
I know I'm the adult but it's still bloody hard.
I actually said to dp the other day that I am a total irrelevance.
It's sad & frustrating.

@Magda72 it's so hard isn't it? Yes we're adults but we're not bulletproof. This is why the "you knew what you were getting into" line you see thrown at stepmums is really unfair. You go into this assuming that although there might be some initial reservations from the kids, if you're your usual kind and decent self then given time they'll respond positively at best, or just be a bit indifferent at worst. No one prepares you for the huge cost to your emotional health that comes with doing stuff week in week out without recognition (and why would they, they're kids) but without that biological bond/unconditional love that the parents receive. And you're supposed to love them regardless of whether they have the kind of personality you'd get on with in real life. Add to that the catch-22 that you're not supposed to meet the DC until your relationship is serious, by which time it makes it incredibly difficult to just walk away if you find yourself struggling.

PM me if you ever need a sympathetic ear

I sympathise - my Ex DP was the same. It’s also much harder to be a step Family with teenagers and their Dad doing nothing but computer games all weekend. There’s no bonding, no breaking up and no opportunities to expose the kids to really healthy outside of school communities.

However it’s much harder to have authority and persuasion as a step parent. But if I were you I’d give it a go.

I tried and although I don’t have a close relationship with any of my step kids, that’s one of the things I don’t regret. I can see now that as young adults I gave them something that their parents didn’t, a taste of the outside world. I took them to science days, to funny events, meals out, trips away, aquariums and art groups. All sorts. I know that I’ve enriched their lives. I even joined in some of those computer games!

It’s worth it. Follow your instincts. You’ve built up enough years and are around them enough to be given a parental space - be your kind of parent and muscle your way in a bit. You’ll get a compromise- better than being the bystander.

Again thanks to you all for the support and input. I think my DH is at least a normal dad as I'm hearing from most sources that most grown men play on stupid computer games!

I've decided to appreciate all the fab things about him and the children - I am lucky in so many ways - and just be myself. They all tease me about being a bit of a neat freak and a bit bossy so I will play up to that and just crack on and book stuff.

Happy New Year everyone!