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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am i Unreasonable?

20 replies

bonkerz · 23/04/2007 17:49

3 weeks ago i asked Step Daughters Mother (SDM) if we could keep her till bank hoilday monday night instead of taking her home on sunday as usual (have SD every weekend friday to sunday except last one in month). This was agreed so we went ahead and booked a campsite for the weekend (SAT and SUN night) and planned to come home Monday afternoon. All sorted.
Today at 4pm i had a text saying SD cant stay bank holiday monday as she is going to a birthday party. I rang SDM and told her camping had been booked and paid for and that technically it was our weekend anyway and SD will just have to understand.
Anyway, this has now ended up in a fight! SDm is now saying she is going to let SD (5) decide if she wants to come to us and she will not force her to come! Im annoyed because we are already giving up a weekend this month so SD can attend SDM family wedding, if she doesnt come bank holiday weekend we wont see her for 3 weeks!
SDM called SD to phone and told her (nastilly) that I had said she HAD to come camping and that she wouldnt be able to go to party! Ofcourse SD was in tears. Im so angry because i know if i had spoken to SD like i asked to that she would have been fine about coming and missing the party.
Dont really know what im asking but i now feel like im a wicked evil person BUT we have booked and paid for this break, it had been agreed in advance, We are already missing one of our weekends with SD this month, Am also worried that if SD doesnt want to come because of parties etc in futuree we will never see her! This has never been a real problem before as SDM has always just said you are at daddies etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

bonkerz · 23/04/2007 18:07

Am so annoyed about this. Do i give in and say SD should stay home bank hoilday JUST so she can attend a party on BHM OR do i remain strong and say she has to come with us. If i give in then i just know it will mean we see alot less of SD and obviously i dont want that to happen. I think this is another example of SDM being a cow and making things difficult. She really hates it that we do loads with SD.

OP posts:

colditz · 23/04/2007 18:09

Well, I can't see the mother cancelling a holiday because of a kid's party, so it's not reasonable to expect you to either. Your sd's father needs to get involved.

BandofMothers · 23/04/2007 18:13

Agree with Colditz, what does your dh/dp think??? Shouldn't he be doing the phoning to SDM???

She's being totally unreasonable as the holiday was agreed on first and it trumps a party.

BandofMothers · 23/04/2007 18:14

If she continues to be difficult tell her that you wont give up your weekend for the wedding
She can't really argue with that. Tell her you have a party that weekend that she simply MUST attend.

Original poster

bonkerz · 23/04/2007 18:16

He is involved and has also told SDM that SD will have to come and that we will explain to her about the party etc. I know that once SD gets here next Friday she will be fine and wont remember the party at all BUT im just so annoyed at SDM. If i had said that we couldnt have SD that weekend cos we were going away SDM would have gone mad! And you are right SDM would never cancel anything because of something happening this end and SD has missed many family things because they have been on a weekend when she isnt here! This is sd life though and she has never known any different.

OP posts:

BandofMothers · 23/04/2007 18:18

Glad he's involved. She's being a cow and does she really have anyway to stop you.
Tell her if she wants her for the party she can collect her from the campsite
Just to see what she says. Dare ya, gwan.

Original poster

bonkerz · 23/04/2007 18:19

funnily enough i did say that actually. I told SDM that if she was insisting SD goes to the party instead of coming here then i must insist SD comes to us on our weekends from now on which means no wedding. We are really flexible and regulalry swap weekends to suit SDM even if it doesnt suit us!
DH is involved but when he deals with SDM she tends to say nasty stuff which leaves him a jibbering wreck (she always threatens to stop contact even though he has PR and is a very good dad!) Ive dealt with SDM for 4 years now and we usually are quite amicable but i feel i cant let this one go.

OP posts:

Original poster

bonkerz · 23/04/2007 18:20

good idea about the collection thing! May suggest that although she lives an hour away from us and the campsite is another hour and half from here so would mean 2 and a half hours for her!

OP posts:

BandofMothers · 23/04/2007 18:21

DH needs to not let her get to him, tho I'm sure it's hard.
Is a solicitor involved with the visitations?? Cos she can't just stop contact, tis against the law.

BandofMothers · 23/04/2007 18:22

And re the travel time. Tough really isn't it. She probably wont be arsed then!!!

Original poster

bonkerz · 23/04/2007 18:23

solicitors never been involved BUT she knows that she cant stop contact, doesnt stop her threatening though!!!!! Maybe it is about time we got things done offical! She did ask for more money a few weeks ago and we had to tell her that she wasnt having more and if she persisted she would have to apply to CSA for maintenance because we already pay 2x more than she would get through CSA!

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BandofMothers · 23/04/2007 18:25

Blimey, well she's just a bit cheeky really isn't she.
Surely DH isn't that worried when she threatens. She wouldn't have a leg to stand on really esp if he is providing so well for her.

Aimsmum · 23/04/2007 18:27

Message withdrawn

Original poster

bonkerz · 23/04/2007 18:28

He is a typical doting dad who loves his daughter SO much taht he hates the fact he may not see her while a court gets it all sorted. Before we got married SDM walked all over him and i had to watch it happen. When we got married things changed BUT DH is still a big pansy and cannot bring himself to say how he feels incase it rocks the boat. Me on the otherhand will fight for our rights and i am not one to lay down and be walked over either!!

OP posts:

Original poster

bonkerz · 23/04/2007 18:30

we didnt threaten to reduce payments. We said we would go through CSA who would reduce payments. We would just make up money by buyng extra clothes etc for SD!
I understand SD misses out on lots BUt this friend isnt a close friend and like i said e are already missing out on the weekend after beacuse SD is going to a wedding so would mean we wont SD for 4 weeks!

OP posts:

BandofMothers · 23/04/2007 18:39

bonkerz, i think you sound more than reasonable. if yoiu're too flxible she'll think she can take the piss . glad you don't let her.
can understand DH's actions but would find it frustrating.

Aimsmum · 23/04/2007 19:06

Message withdrawn

mistressmiggins · 23/04/2007 19:57

I think Aimsmum makes a lot of sense

why is she having to deal with you & not SDD dad?
dont get me wrong, you sound fab & a very caring SM which is what I would want for my children BUT I would still want to deal with my ex

incidently, regarding the party, if its your weekend then I think she shouldnt go to the party BUT also agree with Aimsmum that it must be hard for her mum to only get her 1 weekend a month & also hard for the DD to see her friends

noone said step parenting was easy

Original poster

bonkerz · 23/04/2007 20:43

i know things are hard for all of us with regards SD having 2 families etc. The weekend thing suits SDM as she works every weekend so wouldnt see SD even if she was at home.
With regards money, I totally agree that what we pay doesnt cover the full cost of a child BUT we have SD 3 weekends a month and we provide everything for her here. We also have SD for weeks on end in holidays and still pay maintenance. We also buy shoes and school uniform so we feel we are very supportive and provide ALOT for SD. Main reason for mentioning CSA was she keeps asking for more money BUT we simply dont have more money, we are paying the absolute most we can afford, we have 2 children to support to and know for a fact she has more disposable income than us!
Dealing with me was a group decision. SDM agreed to this as Dh is a MAN! He never has his phone on and is hard to get hold of or doesnt return messages. SDM never has an issue with dealing with me (except maybe when she isnt getting her own way!)
thanks for the advice though and opinions!
SD is coming here that weekend and apparently isnt happy BUT we know she will be fine when she gets here and wont think twice about the party when holidaying!
I suppose really this is a principal thing. When SD is here she regularly says she wishes she could stay here and not go home but we dont ever not send her home. Im just annoyed that SDM said she would let SD decide! When SD is here she wants to stay and im sure when shes there she wants to stay too! Thats 5 year olds for you!

OP posts:

Surfermum · 24/04/2007 17:44

I don't think it's on to agree to her staying the extra night, then to turn round and say she can't come. It would have been polite to ring and say "look I'm really sorry, she's been invited to a birthday party, would it be Ok if she comes home after all". And then as the camping trip was already arranged let the arrangement lie - or negotiate a change to arrangements.

If it were us we'd be giving dsd the choice, but she's 11. I think at 5 she's possibly too young, and also may be feeling that if she chooses camping she'll upset her mum and if she chooses the party she'll upset you and her Dad.

With regard to the wedding, if dsd has something to do with her mum on a weekend when she should be with us we swap the weekends. Is that a possibility?

Aimsmum and MM both say it must be hard for her mum to only see her one weekend per month. I agree, but would add that it's can be hard for dads too. Her mum on the whole only has to miss her for 2/3 days, whereas Bonkerz's dh (I have no idea if that apostrophe is correct, don't draw the pedants' attention to it !) sometimes doesn't see her for 12 days - and it will be more if she doesn't go camping. I'll bet he misses her too, I know my dh does when dsd isn't with us, we hate the first day after she's gone back, the house is horribly quiet.

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