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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to help co-sleeping DSD?

18 replies

CurlyRover · 23/12/2017 20:17

6 year old DSD is really struggling settling here. She co-sleeps with her Mum and when she stays over her Nan's without her Mum, her Nan will lie down on the bed with her until she's asleep.

She was 3 when she first had overnights here and she settled absolutely fine and we know she was co-sleeping at the time. She then asked her Mum if she could have her own bedroom and for a while she settled fine at both houses. Then for reasons unbeknownst to DP, DSD and her Mum started co-sleeping again and she can't settle here. Often it's 90 mins to 2 hours of us going back and forth to see her before she'll eventually fall asleep. We've tried staying with her a bit, leaving her to it, talking to her. No approach seems to help though.

Does anyone have any advice on how we can help her? DP has tried discussing it with his ex and there really isn't any discussion just a "well what's the problem?" from her Mum so I guess we're on our own figuring it out - or not figuring it out as the case appears to be...

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Ilovetolurk · 23/12/2017 21:36

How often does she stay? I would see this as being difficult to solve without a reasonable stretch of nights in one go to follow through a new routine on

Ideally you might need up to a week and some incentivisation ie if she is a big girl and by the end of week has managed to go to sleep in her own bed she gets incentive

Or some variation of this type of method

Andcake · 23/12/2017 21:49

Get her dad to lie with her until she drops off just like her nan does.

BertieBotts · 23/12/2017 21:55

When DS was transitioning from co-sleeping I used to let him know I didn't mind if he wandered through to find me in the middle of the night. He usually came in, gave me a pat and then went back to his bed. Sometimes he'd get in with me but my rule was he had to be still.

Then a tip from the No Cry Sleep Solution suggests for children old enough to reason/talk you can go through a little checklist with them before they go to sleep. So things like:

If you feel thirsty here's a bottle of water.
If you need the toilet you can go here and there's a nightlight/torch there just in case.
If you feel worried or lonely you can:

Turn on a story CD quietly
Turn on nightlight
Snuggle with (teddy)
Sing (song) to yourself

etc - whatever is relevant for your set up. If she can read you could write them down for her in case she forgets.

Story CDs were really good for us and if your house has different noises or is darker than her bedroom at her mum's it might help. Teaching her some simple children's meditation or mindfulness techniques might also help her to self soothe at night time without needing adult help. You can google this.

lunar1 · 23/12/2017 22:02

Your dp should just do the same as her nan, you'll never get a routine going wit three completely different methods.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 23/12/2017 22:09

In terms of overnights, she stays every other weekend from a Friday evening to Sunday evening. What sort of incentives do you think would work?

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Original poster

CurlyRover · 23/12/2017 22:10

Sorry, massive cross posts there, I had the page open and ended up stuck with DSD for a while.

DP doesn't want to stay with her until she falls asleep. He wants her to be able to self sooth / self settle. But clearly the current routine is not working!!

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BertieBotts · 24/12/2017 00:24

How long does it take her to fall asleep with somebody there? I understand not wanting to have to do it, but it's only two nights out of every 14... and she (really, genuinely) won't want this forever. If it's 20 minutes or less I'd try and get him to see it this way. It seems he's annoyed at his ex rather than actually just addressing what his daughter needs for the moment (even if he disagrees with why she needs it!)

Is there something else she'd like to do while she falls asleep like reading to herself or watching a video? Sometimes the lure of a slightly later bedtime if they entertain themselves during it can help.

rcit · 24/12/2017 00:34

It’s 2 nights out of 14. One of you either lay with her or let her sleep in your bed. You can’t do much other than that because you have 2/14 nights.

BertieBotts · 24/12/2017 00:37

Sorry I see you said it's 90 mins to 2h - but my point still stands because I found with DS when I was going back and forth to him it would take forever whereas when I just sat with him and insisted that he didn't talk or move otherwise I'd leave he'd be asleep very quickly and deeply enough asleep for me to leave within about 15-20 minutes. I just used to sit on the end of the bed once he got too big to get into bed with. I'd take my phone and read kindle books or mumsnet.

DioneTheDiabolist · 24/12/2017 00:38

Your DP can't teach his DD to self sooth as he only has her EOW. All she is learning is that bedtime at dad's is miserable.

OP, please tell your DP to lie with his DD for a while. It will better for you all and she will settle down with time.

lunar1 · 24/12/2017 05:15

Is your question how to help your dsd or it it how to help your dp do things his way? Because undoubtedly for now the biggest help for the child would be to keep things similar to home. If she was sure someone would stay till she slept consistently then it would probably take less time. For now he needs to lay with her, it's not exactly many nights a month.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 24/12/2017 05:19

Agree, it’s not DSD who needs help but your DP. He needs to put his DDs needs before his own, like a grown up would.

swingofthings · 24/12/2017 08:58

Have you or your DH asked her? It's usually some sort of fear that makes them struggle so what is she afraid of.

DS went through a bad stage when I think he was 5 but maybe 6 after someone his dad was friends with died. It was sudden so things were said and it got him petrified.

I went through this phase at 8yo. There was a high profile murder of a child at the time, everyone was talking about it and I got petrified that someone would come and grab me in the night (my bedroom was closer to the main door). I was too scared to tell my mum so would stay awake until she went to bed and put some paper in the door lock as in my mind, that meant they wouldn't be able to open the door. I also used to sleep better in stormy weather as I told myself that they wouldn't pick such a day to come and kidnap a kid. I got over it after about 6 months, but still I've continued to feel more at peace and sleeping better in stormy nights!

thethoughtfox · 24/12/2017 09:13

Her daddy needs to give her what she needs right now. Over time she will become more comfortable falling asleep at your house. My dd just needed the security to know we will always come when she needed us so tested this for a long time. Now, she rarely calls us back up because she is secure.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 24/12/2017 11:16

Both of us have asked her and all's she can say is she wants her Mum.

We've tried staying with her but she sometimes gets even more hysterical about us being there. If it was a simple case of if we stayed with her and she was calmer and fell asleep then that would be all well and good but she doesn't

OP posts:

swingofthings · 24/12/2017 11:22

Has her dad discussed it with mum? Why is she back to sleeping with her mum back at home? Have you asked her what her mum does that brings her comfort that you could do at your home. Obviously not when she is upset in the evening, but asking her during the day, at a time when she is more comfortable.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 24/12/2017 12:43

That’s different to your pp though Curly where you said your DP didn’t want to stay with her.

Has she got a teddy from home and a photograph of her DM? Is there a night light and does she have a drink?

If she is literally hysterical how does your DP feel? What’s he trying to do to overcome her anxiety?

Original poster

CurlyRover · 24/12/2017 12:54

He's discussed it with her mum and she just shrugs and says "just because" and because she co-slept with her Mum until she was 7 she can't see the issue- but her mum and dad were still together so there was no separate routines in different houses.

She brings teddies from her mum but it doesn't appear to help. Speaking to DSD when she's calm she says she just likes her mum being there and there's nothing we can do to help.

She has a drink, refuses the night light.

DP feels absolutely awful about it. He's feeling at a massive loss on how to help tbh.

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