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Step-parenting

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Original poster

12 year old son blackmail

24 replies

Laura123451 · 21/12/2017 23:35

Hi all
Im writing this and asking opinion.
I split with my ex and father of my children 6 years ago. I ended the relationship after 10 years.
My ex has never accepted this, and rather than, try and stay positive with the kids, he has manipulated them, into his own self pitty.
Anyway my son decided he wanted to live with his dad. Which broke my heart but i just assured him i loved him and hes always welcome home anytime.
3 years ago i met my boyfriend and i always saw him when my kids where at their dads every fortnight. Only in the last few months after 3 years have my girls been introduced to him and like him a lot. Now time is passing we would like to maybe one day move in together and get married. For the last three christmas's myself and partner have never had dinner, or spent it together before. My son does not want to be part of my life while i am seeing my boyfriend. I have never forced the issue as i believe he gets enough pressure from his father.
I really cant have my partner on his own this xmas again. Now my son is telling me to choose. Its breaking me.
Please if anyone has been through similar please advise xxxx

OP posts:

Candlelights · 22/12/2017 05:16

How often do you see your son? If it's regular, then it's fair enough to introduce him to your BF and expect him to be polite to him and start to get to know him.

But don't do it at Christmas. That's never going to end well.

laudanum · 22/12/2017 05:34

I know this is hard, but unless your partner is doing something bad or mistreating your son, this is an unhealthy thing he is going to need to grow out of. He doesn't have to like your partner, but telling you he doesn't want to be part of your life whilst you're WITH your partner, is really unfair.

I'm sure I'll be flamed for this but i don't care.

He's twelve years old. He's going to be a teen soon, and he's going to have to learn that life is not always about being around people that you like. If his father is directly influencing him, he needs to stop, but we know that's easier said than done.

If your partner has attributes to his personality that your son doesn't like - then ask him what they are. If they are valid then okay, that's up for discussion. If it's just a case of him disliking him because he's not his father, then that's quite immature, but then he IS only twelve, which is why it's important to explain to him that you're entitled to be happy too, and that he should open his mind to the fact that we can't always like everyone.

Is there any ground for your son not to like him, or is it simply as case of him not being his father and therefore wrong? You're between a rock and a hard place, but for the day itself might you be able to split time to spend with both of them?

swingofthings · 22/12/2017 08:15

So your son has never met your partner? I expect there are things going on that you either don't know about or are opting not to face. The fact that he decided to move to his dad and now won't have anything to do with someone he doesn't know is odd. You need to get to the bottom of what is going in your son's mind. If you take the 'You're a kid you do as you're told', and there are indeed issues you are not tackling, you are likely to end up with him refusing to see you at all.

Original poster

Laura123451 · 22/12/2017 10:36

Its just a horrible situation. He just wont allow me to get on with my life. My son is supposed to see me every other weekend, and most of the time he doesnt. Everything revolves around his father who i feel encourages this behaviour. His dad has had 2 girlfriends in the time iv been with my partner, bit gets bribed with money or fifa points to meet them, speak to them etc.
I will never bribe my son with anything, nor force meetings i just feel hes tryn to control my life which his father also did. My fear is he is turning into his father. And would be happy if i sat on my own for the rest of my life. Which is really unfair on my partner who is a great, thoughtful and willing to stay out the way for as long as it takes. But i feel as if, i carry this on hes going to get his way for the foreseeable future x so sad my son is a very different person to the little boy i had 😔

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 22/12/2017 16:59

I feel for you.

You shouldn’t be dictated to by a 12 year old child you deserve happiness and there’s no reason your son should dislike your partner (who he hasn’t even met)!

I do think that sometimes children from broken homes are pandered to. I agree with other posters that Christmas Day probably isn’t the best day to introduce your son and partner but you should introduce them. Don’t pander to him and don’t be ‘blackmailed’ by him.

swingofthings · 22/12/2017 17:15

So when is your son supposed to be with you? Can you not have him and then your partner shows up and if your DS decides to go back to his dad, then that's his choice?

laudanum · 22/12/2017 17:17

I think you're going to have to lay down the law, so to speak. He is your son, and you have access, so unless he is actually ill or has no bona fide good reason for not seeing you when he is supposed to, you'll have to insist. I know you don't seem to like doing that, but at this point, unless you step up, he's going to stay stuck in his ways.

It seems as if his father's influence is having a massively detrimental effect on your relationship, so it's time to make it clear that things need to be more evenly spread. Who actually has custody of him? I know he LIVES with his father, but do you have shared custody or something else?

CauliflowerSqueeze · 22/12/2017 17:20

Not on Christmas Day, but tell him that just as you will never ask him to choose between you and a future girlfriend, you won’t be having one or the other either.

Mxyzptlk · 22/12/2017 17:41

I'd not force the issue for Xmas day, or have your partner "turn up" on that day.
But make sure your son knows you'd like them to meet very soon.

If your son continues to refuse to meet him all year, and it's not sorted by next Xmas, then it would be fair enough for you to have Xmas with your partner then, I think.

Mxyzptlk · 22/12/2017 17:44

You are feeling that after 3 years, you and DP ought to be able to have Xmas together but your son has only known about DP for a few months so it is still a new situation for him.

Original poster

Laura123451 · 22/12/2017 17:45

I appreciate all the advise. I have had a conversation with him asking to compromise a little, and i suggested i leave my partner this year again. But next year im not having it. He just told my well its my choice but he wont be there. So he is not willing to meet me half way. I fear if i do not put the foot down this year i will be in the same position in years to come 😔 x

OP posts:

CauliflowerSqueeze · 22/12/2017 17:47

Stick to your guns. He’ll come round.
Sounds like he’s quite stubborn - he will be clashing with his dad in no time and then you’ll be the good fairy. Don’t worry.

marywasneeavirgin · 22/12/2017 17:55

At 12 he's old enough to explain his reasons for feeling how he does so ask him why he feels like he does and discuss it with him. Reassure him but tell him that this man is important to you and isn't going to take you away from your son but you want him around at Christmas and would like DS to be there and it's his choice if he isn't. Please don't let him control you.

Tinselistacky · 22/12/2017 17:56

Ime you need to advise your dsbthat actually your dp will be spending Christmas with you after all. You are allowing him to follow in his df footsteps and control your moves. He needs boundaries so let you be the one to give them to him. My ds have also played these games at times. I put my foot down and now they are actually nc with their df - of their own choice as teens, after realising they needed a parent not a play mate /feeder of cash + McDonald's.

MissTeri · 22/12/2017 17:57

I'm normally very much 'kids come first' but I wouldn't have this at all. It would be different if you had only just split from his father but after him wanting to be at his dads and trying to bribe you etc then I would put my foot down and have my partner 'round. If they had met and there was some reason for him taking a dislike to your partner then perhaps it would be different but no way would I make a partner be alone for yet another Christmas, he sounds like a saint to have stuck it out this long being on the peripheral of your life.

That said your son sounds like my brother did and he did all he could to destroy my mums relationships, and very much succeeded every single time by being rude and kicking off in front of them, smashing things up etc. TBF he was like that in general anyway but would be worse when my mum had a partner around deliberately, or he ask for money just before they come around and my mum would be unable to say no because she knew if she didn't give in he'd kick off when her partner was around.

Original poster

Laura123451 · 22/12/2017 18:39

Thank u all so much for this, i feel no matter what i do im always the bad one.
Very much appreciated honestly x

OP posts:

laudanum · 22/12/2017 19:00

The idea that he's okay with your ex having girlfriends, but you're seemingly not allowed to have partners? That's a really horribly controlling mindset to have, especially at such a young age.

I don't think you should be giving into him this year. Put your foot down and tell him you're spending it with your partner, and he can either be there, or not. You need to show him you can't be manipulated like that. If his father is teaching him those tactics, it's entirely not on.

Do you have shared custody or something else?

Original poster

Laura123451 · 22/12/2017 19:36

No we never really had anything offical to honest.
At the time he said about his dad i half expected him home with in a month or so, but my ex always threatnend me with the prospect of my son choosing to stay with him. I called his bluff if u like, but it more than back fired. Its just horrible and he is so spoilt, gets everything he wants. I dont want to force anything on my son, and never have, as i feel he gets bribed and forced with his father. I have been researching this behaviour and between the control and alienation, i feel i can no longer do right. When at the end of the day my only crime was ending a relationship i have no love left in. I feel as if he makes me out to have done so wrong by him. We were on holiday last year myself and the girls n one night i had a baileys, my god the look my son gave me, then went home to his dad and told him, that he didnt feel safe. There are lots of examples like this. I feel hes trying to dictate my life and im that scared of loosing him altogether, i put up with it. Its making me miserable and it doesnt look to change. I need to end this cycle.😔

OP posts:

isadoradancing123 · 22/12/2017 19:55

No no no, your 12 year old son does not get to dictate your life

user1486915549 · 22/12/2017 20:45

No , this is wrong in so many ways.
Put your foot down now . He is being trained to be an abusive partner when he grows up . You cannot really control what your ex says to him but you can teach your son now that he doesn’t get to control women.

laudanum · 22/12/2017 20:50

Okay I'm going to say it

Your ex seems to be turning him into a version of him, which is clearly toxic.
So you have two choices - let him walk all over you, or do something about it. Don't just sit about saying you will - you need to DO something.

Speak to a solicitor and get the access you should have. He is twelve years old. Don't let him turn into his father. You can't sit idle with this.

Original poster

Laura123451 · 22/12/2017 22:35

I will put my foot down this year, its nice to know that its not just me thinking this is wrong.
I will take on board whats been said and speak with a solicitor. Thank u very much
Hope you all have a wonderful xmas x

OP posts:

laudanum · 22/12/2017 23:36

Please let us know how it goes.
♥️

swingofthings · 23/12/2017 08:47

He just told my well its my choice but he wont be there
Surely you've asked him why?

I personally think you are too focus on his dad alienating him and not enough what what could be going on in your household. I agree that young children are easy to be influenced but by 12, they can tell the difference and if they strongly reject a person, there is usually a reason.

It is not normal for a 12 yo to absolutely refuse to meet someone they hardly know for no reason or because their dad have told them not to (if this is what you think) so you really need to get him to open up to you, you might be surprise by what he might tell you.

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