Anxiety

[SM2132]

I suffer from anxiety so much when visiting my in-laws and looking after stepson.
Me and DH have one child each and a baby together. My in laws are still in touch with his ex and message her regarding stepson a lot rather than us! I feel they favouri tise him over my child (perhaps fair enough?) but also our baby. For example they are giving each child £20 for Christmas (including my child) but we have found out that they messaged stepsons mum to see what present to buy him and have now bought him a £60 present (as well as the £20).
They constantly over rule what I say, for example when he is cheeky and I remind him to say please and thank you they snap at me 'oh it doesn't matter'. My DH and in-laws barely says anything to him when he is being naughty (even when he went through a phase of hitting peoples arms when drinking a cup of tea so it went all over them- they insisted it must have been an accident, every time he did it!).
Then after every visit with stepson, his mum messages with a list of complaints (asking what we have fed him as he said we hadn't! Complaints about everything, too much to type out).
It is just making me so anxious. I hate sitting at the in laws (who are actually nice people apart from this issue so I don't want to upset them) biting my tounge while they talk about stepsons mum (they are quite obsessed with her and what she is upto) and while stepson runs riot. I feel so stressed that he doesn't get dirty, that he eats all his dinner, that he has a brilliant time or the next day is spent with DH messaging his ex.
I am on anxiety medication and am sure this is a huge factor. Just want a quiet life where me and DH aren't dictated to by his ex and his parents!

Well this sounds terrible. It sounds like your DH's parents are feeling worried about their grandson being left out or losing out in some way.

I think you should completely separate yourself from it all by telling your DH that it's really not your problem and that when your DSS is visiting, it's not your place to correct his manners as his parents undermine you.

Your DH needs to be sticking up for you a LOT more OP. Have you spken to him about how this is making you feel?

Let your DH deal with it all and ask him not to tell you what his ex is texting?

It isn't my place to correct his manners no, it isn't me 'telling me off' though, it is more just if I hand him something and he grabs it, I say 'remember to say thank you' and then my in laws interfere. I care a lot about my stepson and find him funny and love spending time with him,it is all the interference that puts me on edge.
Due to where stepson lives (a lot nearer in laws than us) we end up visiting in laws quite a lot. You are right though, they are close to their Grandson and probably want to make sure he has a lovely time so continues to want to visit them.
This has been going on for a good couple of years so can't see it changing.
I discuss it with dh quite a lot, I think he feels the same as in laws, wants to make sure stepson has a great time. But it is spoiling him, if we have to go anywhere at all stepson doesn't like he has a massive tantrum saying 'he will tell his mummy this is the worst day ever'. Then they all fall for it and he gets his way! It's ridiculous to be honest.
I think I need to disengage a bit and stay out of it. It is difficult though as we have my child and our baby together and it isn't fair on them if stepson gets his own way all the time over them.

Honestly I just wouldn't even involve yourself. Let your dh deal with his ex. Or not. I dont think there needs to be a conversation after every visit.

I feel your pain though. Dp still gets this even though ss lives here. "Why hasn't he brought a coat its cold" no shit Sherlock but hes 13 and been told 100 times to wear a coat ask him why!

I think some ex's just like a reason to get In contact.

Sounds so stressful.

Leave all discipline and texts/communion regarding your stepchild with DH. Don't own his baggage anymore.

Do what's needed: feed, clothe, water, care for the child but don't even respond to his meltdowns. Leave the room. Go silent. Say only what needs to be said. If DH is home and witnessing meltdowns, just 'go the loo', walk away without making a point/statement. Learn to leave this aspect of your lives with DH. You will find that over time, it will get better and your DSS will learn that he'll need to communicate with you better/more respectfully.

Disengage. All texts regarding DSS go straight to DH. And you need to be kept in the loop regarding events/schedules so you can plan your life with DSS in it. But as far as Little Lord Fauntleroy disliking the overcooked broccoli and mummy texting complaints plus all the rest of the behavioural stuff: Ignore, disengage, place it all in DH's lap.

In other words, run the admin side of things and leave the emotionally tense, draining stuff to DH. He might wake up lightning fast!

I would be staying home and letting dh go to his dps alone.

"Communion?"
Communication!
Sorry!

How old is your baby, OP?

10 months old. Thanks for all the advice everyone. It is really nice being able to talk openly about this. I will try do as pp have said and leave all the stress to dh. I probably have too much thinking time about it while I have been on maternity leave hence why it has been stressing me out!

Definitely let him take his son on his own to in laws. You have enough on your plate with your baby and don’t need all this nonsense. Maybe visit them another time when DSS is not with you.

Agree with others about disengaging and telling him you don’t want to know about ex’s texts.

One thing I would say is if he is naughty now and they do nothing and let him get away with spoilt behaviour they will regret it when he is older, More so your dh, My husband regrets letting his son get away with everything now he is older and out of control..
When you are a resident parent you still have to discipline them, Your husband will find out how his poor choices to not do so effects his child when he is older.

Exactly my point! I say this all the time- that it won't be cute or funny in 5 years when he is 11! Also, the reason I find it hard to not comment when he is messing round (and he is by no means naughtier than any other 6 year olds) is because I don't want our baby growing up copying and then our child getting told off! Surely they should all be treated the same. Also, I am not saying to 'punish him' or anything- just to explain why he should be kind and not shout at people etc. Argh!
Anyway, I have had a chat with dh about it and explained I am disengaging with the situation and that it stresses me out- he needs to deal with it.

Trouble is, you can’t just separate from DH and SS, if he doesn’t discipline him now you will also have a problem not only on your hands, but how he treats his younger brother, your child.

No easy answers. But concentrate on your home, lay down house rules, protect your space.

I'd probably be considering leaving. Mainly because of the effect it could have on your children if they see one child being favoured and spoiled in this way.

I think I need to disengage a bit and stay out of it

I agree with you...and you don't always have to go to the in-laws. You could have a terrible migraine and stay home.

You can also visit the places you want when your AS isn't there if he's going whinge about it.