So pissed off with myself and everybody else

[anothernamechangersorry04]

I’m so annoyed that this thread probably won’t even flow properly but in an attempt to summarise properly - been with DP for about 2.5 years and moved in with him about 6 months ago.

I have one DC (6) and he has two (11 and 12). I have sole care of my DC and he has his DC for some portion of every weekend and also mid week.

I try so hard with his DC and everything seems to work around them in every aspect. I do everything for my own DC. This isn’t the issue. Well, it is a bit actually regarding DP as I feel that he could try harder with my DC but I get that he isn’t his and that everybody is different in terms of how they are with other people’s kids.

The main issue is that when we are all together, everything revolves around DP’s younger DC at the expense of both other children. He is really quite challenging but never gets told off, he seems to get first choice in what activity we do, what we watch on telly, what we eat etc. When I pull DP up on this, he does not compute and I don’t get anywhere. Younger DC is clearly jealous of my DC and makes this obvious. I get that my DC lives here full time and why that might make him feel resentful but honestly, DP could not make it more obvious that my DC does not come first, and he does nothing with just my DC and him ever. His older DC also comes second best and this also makes me feel upset for her.

I honestly don’t know if I am being precious or whether DP is being out of order.

Rather than making it a big deal why don't you offer the other children a turn to choose what you do together. So when it happens you can say DsC2... you chose last time why doesn't dsc1 choose the film and dc choose what we have for tea.
I can see that you're frustrated about DP and dc mainly but unless you're going out of your way to have quality 1to1 time with his kids I think that's a slight double standard. If it's only been 6 months you can't expect miracles!
If you're unhappy with his parenting talk to him about it or is it that you're upset he prefers and spoils his own children over yours?

I don't expect him to have quality time with my DC, and he doesn't do anything independently with him, my issue is that it is made obvious to everyone when we are all together that his one DC gets first pick of everything and treated differently to the other two. It winds me up on behalf of his other DC too

Why shouldn't /don't you expect him to have a decent relationship with your ds?

Turn taking is the answer, as ElC says. Start with the youngest and then each DC gets to pick next game, TV show, film, whatever. If he disagrees you can say 'taking turns is fair, it's not fair for the same person to get their way every time'. Don't see how he can disagree with that. If he does then I think this is a sign the whole thing isn't going to work.

Sorry just to clarify, I do expect him to build a relationship with my DS but at this stage in the relationship I haven't expected him to do anything separately with him like take him to his clubs, or for activities just the two of them etc. Just trying to highlight that I'm not being precious!

OP did this manifest itself before you moved in or is it a new thing?

And does he spend any 1:1 time with each child?

Yes with both his DCs, more so the younger one - full days out, their hobbies etc. And me and DS do our own things too. I do stuff with his DC and they will both ask to do stuff/go places with me.

It didn't start when I moved in, but has become more and more pronounced over time.

We both have different parenting styles too which means the DC have different rules. My DS has to eat what he is given for tea and his DC tell DP what to make them, my DC has to put dishes in the sink and clothes in the wash basket but his DC don't have to. This doesn't annoy me as much as the other stuff though

I know you are where you are...but these issues should have been addressed before living together.

I agree with the suggestion of taking turns too.

Who picks up after his children? What would happen if you asked them to put dishes in the sink?

Because your son will pick up on the unequal treatment in time avd become resentful.