8 years on still need advice!

[hayes]

Hi, I have been with dp for 8 years, i have 2 ds with ex relationships there are great. my dp has 2 dd and we have one dd together.

Since we got together his ex has consistently been negative about me, my dp had to eventually go to court to get contact as she was so against him seeing them. Anyway to cut a long story short bm and family hate me, are negative about me etc etc. I have tried my best to be steady influence but hard when sd's come ...they can love me to death one week, and if looks could kill the next I would be 6 ft under! ANyway things been okish for year or two, worked on our relationships and things were coming together. Until BAM the BM is rooting for me again, it turns out that things we as a family have been joking about and laughing about have made sd's upset and unhappy. I am gutted, why play along with the jokes (they weren't about anyone it was teasing about a particular thing) then go home and tell their mum something different.

I feel like I don't know them at all and am worried about seeing them next weekend. any advice appreciated.

Hey hayes, hope you're feeling better now than you were earlier...I'm not a step parent myself but I have been the V. trying step daughter...and I can only imagine how hard if can be for all of you...I've seen friends go through similar in recent years and I know it can be emotionally exhausting...

It sounds like you are taking the right approach, the main thing is to stay steady...you are the adult in this situation...and if there is any justice in the world you will be thanked for it in the end however thankless the task may be right now.

I have over the years said some horrible things to my step dad, hated him and loved him, but the truth be told he has been the biggest and most constant support to me in the nearly 15 years since my mum died, (very unexpectedly, less than a year after their marriage)...and I now respect him more than anyone. He is Grandpa to my ds, and just as much a part of any event as ds's other gp's.

Don't ever question your importance, but it is hard to be a step child too, you have so many divided loyalties, so many parents to please. As much as I hate to admit step parents can be the easiest to blame, not because they deserve it, not because you want to hurt them, but because its so much harder to blame mum and dad.
I urge you to stay steady, and love your DSD's for who they are, I am sure that with time they will respect you for every thing you do for them. They probably do already

How old are your DSDs, I was obnoxious as a teenager to EVERONE!

Sorry this is long, I hope it helps.

awww thanks for that. Its nice to hear from the stepchild perspective too. I just feel at a loss really, there is always this undercurrent altho I have to say it all seems to settle down when bm needs childcare for the girls during school hols you can bet I am good enough to have them then....all the time I might add lol

the girls are 12 and 9. I won't know if they are ok with me till they come next weekend so we shall see, I don't think I can hide how upset I am this time if they blank me....thats if they even come!

thanks, i do feel slightly less angry now, going thru the upset stage now...will get it over it tho, normally do!