Stepkids and sickness

[wheresthel1ght]

Just wondering what people do when step kids are sick?

Dsd was sent home from school recently for throwing up everywhere (dm thinks another uti but refuses to take her to gp so we will have to at weekend), dsd doesn't like coming when she is sick, she wants to be at home with her mum. Last time her dm demanded she came to us and poor dsd sat in her room here sobbing for hours because she just wanted her mum. We get on great and she comes to me for most things but when ill she wants her mum.

Dp told his ex this and asked her to check with dsd, she refused and said dsd would have to come to us as she 'has nothing in to feed her'

If either dss or dsd is sick here we deal with it and the associated childcare required, but every time their dm demands she can't have them as her bf won't have sick kids in their house.

What do others do?

Not having a dig at you OP as you do seem to care.

However, sick children by most NRPs are seen as the remit of the RP regardless, even when they are with the NRP. GP appts, hospital appts, time off when they are sick, pick up early from school etc etc

And yes I have seen my chronically sick child put in a car and driven half way home, for me to meet half way because his DP did not want her children affected. It is all too frequently used as an excuse to terminate contact, early, avoid etc.
In my case my DC pukes for non infective contagious reasons related to long term health issues.

On the last occasion I did congratulate DC on their aim and timing - SM had once again served chilli for tea - which she knows gives my DC1 extreme stomach cramps and explosive diarrhoea - had eaten a little because would get nothing else but,not enough so he was not allowed dessert, coupled with an unrelated projectile vomit episode - as they stood in the kitchen - his aim was on both counts stunning!! DC2 laughed hysterically as it was retold - both got bundled into the car and sent home !!!!
Lot of TLC when we got in and a bowl of ice cream.

So you would force a vomiting chikd out of the house because you feel inconvenienced by her presence? Think that says more about your attitude to parenting than his.
From what you've written, she was inconvenienced by having to leave work and pick her up and then sort things out so she could return to work when your DP didn't have to do anything.

If my DD had stopped vomiting, and it was only a case of a 2mns drive to her father, therefore a comfortable home where she could do the same than at home, and I had reasons why it wasn't convenient for her to be there, then yes, I would expect her to go unless she really insisted she didn't want to.

As it is, your DSD's mum did keep her, so clearly she didn't force her out when she realised that she really didn't want to go. So indeed, I don't understand what she's done that is so outrageous.

Hey OP - for what its worth I think you asked a good question.
I have commented before as I have my own DC and DSC and been in this situation more times than I can count.

The sick routine normally goes like this. If my DC have been sent home from school due to sickness they stay with me - even if it is their dad's contact days. He is ok with this as he know they just want their own beds. The few times they have been ill at his - they are given the choice I can come pick them up or they can stay. Only once has my DS asked to stay.

With my DSC, if they are sick during the week they stay with their DM. But if it they are ill on the Friday of our weekend - she insists that they come to ours. They don't want to - they want to stay put but she makes them come. Or she wont tell us they are sick.

Now colds and stuff I can understand but when they are being sick they should stay at home. I would not force my DC to go to their dads when they are like that as he has his own DSD and DS - For one its best they stay put and I would not want to spread the virus

My kids are very at home at their dads & sms but if they are so sick that they are bed/sofa and blanket bound they always want to stay home with me. I have no problem with that. I don't see it as ex shirking his duties - most kids want mum when sick. Ex has two other pre schoolers & if my kids are infectious I would not send them to ex's without his or his dps say so.

Most kids will opt to stay in their primary residence when they're unwell - really can't see what the big deal is here with everyone getting on the OP's case.

Have not personally had a go at OP.

There is no doubt that the RP gets the worst part of sickness and the NRPs rarely acknowledge the issues this causes if it happens on their time.
We all want what is best for the DCs and if they want to stay with RP fine but that means someone is going to be inconvenienced when they are ill. In "normal" families that burden can be shared but in step families it is the RP who loses out.
That the loss of pay, holiday and etc is disproprotionately carried by the RP is not fair.

The issue of protecting the NRPsother kids might hold true with norovirus but the average cough cold etc is part of family life.

When the RP picks up all the crap times - the delusion of NRP disney life - we only do fun things is perpetuated. Parenting involves both parents taking their share of the shit and puke along with the good times and Dads are equally capable of looking after a sick child as the mother .

@lifeandtheuniverse - wasn't actually referring to you . And yes I do get what you're saying re RP & NRP. I suppose when I was with exh I always took the time off for sick kids as he travelled a lot for work so I got used to it, as did the kids & we just kept that up. I'm lucky in that I can make up hours in the evenings or at weekends.
Like most things I suppose all situations are different & I think ex/his dp would take the kids if needs be.

lifeandtheuniverse
Are you saying that your child's AM is basically forcing your child to eat food that maked them ill?

If that is true then it is absolutely appalling.

The issue here, from the way it's been written is not whether the mum wanted her DD to stay or not, as clearly she did agree to it in the end, but the fact that her ex felt the need to contact her to say that she should asked her DD what she wanted to do based on what had happened in the past, which could indeed have been easily interpreted as him saying that he didn't want her over, especially as he wasn't going to be home and it would therefore fall on OP to deal with her if still ill.

Swing hates step parents, she/he has a huge chip.

Thanks to those who have commented without bias. Glad to see most people see that an ill kid wants mummy and don't see it as unreasonable

PersianCat - yes I am.

Exs then DP was the OW and family friend. She knew chilli gave the DC bad stomach cramps - she had seen the results before EX and she sailed off into sunset!!

When EX had his DCs ON - not often - she would always cook chilli. Her kids love it. Mine knowing the results and the embarrassment would try to eat just the rice but was told if he did not clear his plate then no dessert. DC2 would then try to eat DC1s share but neither of them have a big appetite. He would try to share his dessert but was stopped from doing this because DC1 did not deserve any!

I brought this up with EX, who acknowledged punishing him for not eating enough was not correct - not that she was serving it in the first place!

This particular episode - mid summer wearing shorts resulted in some of said result landing on her feet as DCs were clearing the table. As he swung round it of course sprayed further, at which point he projectile vomits down her legs! DC2 regales the tale very well !

As Ex has now split up from the delightful person, the issue is no more. She never did serve them chilli over the next year on their rare ONs.

The story is now family folklore, DC1 now actually quite pleased with the effort - which I know is wrong but seriously she was an evil witch.

Mine knowing the results and the embarrassment would try to eat just the rice but was told if he did not clear his plate then no dessert
She sounds like an evil witch.

How awful for your DC if they are hungry, they must either eat food that makes them ill or be hungry.

Fucking sick bitch.

Jesus wept Life, that is awful! Evil cow!

According to dps ex I am like that though, kids are never forced to eat anything. But I do point out that if they like chicken nuggets then actually they do like chicken as it is essentially just a naked nugget. Over the years they have tried new foods at their own request and now eat virtually everything... Their dm still tells everyone I never feed them, force them to eat stuff they hate... My weekly food bill is about £50 on weeks we don't have them at a weekend, weeks we do it shoots up to nearer £100...

Mind she serves 2 10 inch pizzas and expects them to fill 6 adults. No sides, no garlic bread according to the kids. It's no bloody wonder they eat me out of house and home!

Of course I don't hate all stepmums I even like my kids SM :)

Swing hates step parents, she/he has a huge chip

What you actually mean is any view that doesn’t say mum is bad and step mum is some kind of saint is unwelcome.

Not at all ohreally, what I mean is every post from swing is tainted with distance and twists what is actually written or spin attached to portray step mums in a negative light.

Swing really does hate stepmums. She posts on every stepmum thread ive seen recently, nitpicking at the ops and projecting her own relationship with her stepmum everywhere. She managed to derail a thread with her own issues the other day so that op struggled to get the help they were asking for.

An ill child should be allowed to stay with her mother if shes sick. What sort of mother sends her ill child away even though her child wants to be at home?

I'm a step mum. And my DSDs birth mother is an absolute cunt. I feel your pain OP we've had to endure years of her shit albeit she never medically neglected DSD in fact the opposite she's now a massive hypochondriac 😩
But she's safe with us now. Well safe ish. I'd like to say she can't hurt her anymore but she clings on to any possible way to emotionally abuse the poor girl through other people and sadly unless we cut her off from a LOT of people we cannot stop it completely 😔

What sort of mother sends her ill child away even though her child wants to be at home?

One that is hating care with the chikd’s Father? Or are we suggesting dad’s should only have to parent during good times? One that has to work to keep her own household going (particularly an issue for single parents and a bigger issue of trying to keep up enough hours to claim childcare through tax credits, for example).

Exactly oh really.

2yrs ago my DC1 had 28 days either in hospital or hospital appointments. Everyone of those I did - even when EX was not working and had the whole day off.

I could have taken annual leave to cover that but that would have left me seriously short to cover the holidays and then required more holiday club time ( which I pay for all of).

In stead I took unpaid leave - that NRP is a month of salary per year!! Do you fancy your new family surviving with no pay for one month of the year.
Solely 100% on my household expenses - even a 75:25 split would be better.

That little figure does not come into the CSA calculations now does it!!!

I have been thinking about this as it has really bothered me.

As a mum as part of a couple who, let’s say, is looking forward to a night out and who’s child is sick, no one would turn a hair if my partner cared for sick child whilst I still went out. In fact, it would be encouraged as genuine joint parenting and there would be cries of LTB if he refused to look after his own sick child.

Yet if as a PWC (single or otherwise), I look forward to a night out which I have purposefully arranged on a night when my kids are due to be with their dad and my child gets sick, suddenly I am labelled ‘what kind of mother’ if I insist on going ahead regardless.

So why is the father capable in one scenario and not in the other? I get that moving a sick child isn’t great. I also get that there is resistance from the other household to take in a sick child, particularly where there are other children. But if I have something to do - night out, night in with friends or partner, work, study, or just really need the space for an evening, why is it acceptable to label me ‘what kind of mother’?

I think it depends on what the child wants. My ex sees ds every other weekend plus some extra in between when work allows. Ds was recently ill with a bug that started on the Friday night and he was due to go to his Dad on the Saturday morning. I asked ds if he wanted to go or stay at home and he asked to stay with me. I told ex and we arranged time in the week for him to see ds once he was feeling better. No way am I packing him off in the car when he has d&v if he wants to stay with his Mum. I had to cancel my plans but meh, that's being a parent.

Ohreally - the point was dsd didn't want to come and want Ed to be with her mum.

Dp is perfectly capable and does far more than his ex as he work nights so is able to be around in the day albeit asleep for most of it. Read my posts about nits, the only person who sees my dscs as an inconvenience is their own mother.

Because sadly ohreally it takes very little to be considered a good father and very little to be considered a bad mother.

Children often prefer to be with their mums when sick.

Most mothers would understand that...but for a mum who is saying she had no food in...then there are clearly bigger issues going on her.

ohreally I would totally agree with your point if it wasn't for the fact that the only issue here is that its SD who wants to be at home with her mum.

It's not OP or her DP who are trying to get rid of her, it's SD who's unhappy and wants to be with her mum.

Tbh OP, I don't think there's much you can do if her mum says she can't come back. You're DP will just have to make her as comfortable as possible at your house.