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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Miserable household due to children

94 replies

Elliego1 · 03/12/2017 12:34

I met my partner 3 1/2 years ago. He has 4 children and has them full time. His ex partner has no access to her children and was seen as unfit by sw and a court order was imposed by a judge.

I am 25 my partner is 33. His kids are 13,11,11,6. My daughter is 3. Sometimes the household is okay. Majority of the time it's hell on earth. His son who is 11. Doesn't listen, throws himself of furniture, smashes up our home, has been sent home from school twice within weeks apart for bad behaviour, and he has purposely deficated on the floor instead of the toilet. He attacks the other children doesn't take no for an answer shouts over you doesn't take any punishment does what he wants when you remove something from him or ground him he will scream demonically and hit people in the house and destroy it we have no choice but to put him out the house which he sees as a win situation. The school are at there wits end but apparently there is no homes anymore so they are getting a mental health team involved. There isn't a serious enough word in the dictionary for his behaviour and he wrote out a Xmas list and when my partner looked at it and said that won't be happening he said yes it will. You cannot punish him and the school have even agreed with this. I can't spend another 5 years around him if I'm being honest he changes me as a person and I really lose the plot when he's screaming at me where I've picked him up to throw him out the room. I feel like a monster because I can't cope with it. My partner doesn't really offer any solutions he's been saying for 2 years the schools going to do this social work won't help they will blame the parent and there is no homes.

The other children aside from the 6yo who is well 6 she is still learning and for most part she is pleasant and well behaved. They come in and demand things and when are told no stand there until it's a yes. They want money 24/7 for nothing and expect to be bought stuff at hundreds of pounds when they do nothing for it. They do not help around the house and that's even cleaning there own mess they will only clean there own mess if they are given something for it. They have no interests except taking money and anything that is asked of them they also fight and argue and hit one another something as simple as tidy your room please they will argue and fight for ages if you allowed it and nothing gets done then they ask after screaming our house down and doing nothing can i go here? if I do it can i get money?

The behaviour is just embarrassing I have many children in my family and I was one myself I was never allowed to behave the way they do wouldn't even cross my mind to.

They do not appreciate anything you do for them. They don't even pay attention when giving them into trouble they just look away and go to their dad to get there own way. Quite frankly I am fed up of being around them and I am embarrassed to go anywhere with them because I feel like there behaviour in public could be seen as a reflection on me as a parent as people don't know the ins and outs of step parent and how long I've been in there life.

I am concerned for my own 3yo daughter because I would like her to be kind and sweet natured. I do not want her behaving like that it would devestate me. I do not like to be around kids or adults who act like that. I was brought up to respect my elders be happy with what you got as I understood some people don't have a lot of money and don't make adults feel bad for not being able to lavish you in expensive presents because it's rude and cruel. I'm not saying I never said or did anything wrong but I had manners, respect and would help out my grandparents or parents and do nice things for others. They don't even like there grandparents because they said in there words they don't get anything when they go down and there grandad doesn't buy them stuff and apparently they are also weird.

I find it all bizzare and frankly frustrating i have tried speaking to them calm explaining to them that its important to care about others its not always about what you get love is more important than an ipad. I've tried interacting with them making jokes, praising them for good behaviour and just to be there when needed. Nothing works they do not change there behaviour. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:

LIZS · 04/12/2017 12:22

But surely op doesn't have parental responsibility for her p's 4 children, so she cannot force the situation, chase appointments or see the gp. That is down to p, where is his role in all this?

SuburbanRhonda · 04/12/2017 13:15

She can indeed take her stepson to the GP and request a referral for a paeds assessment. Of course it would be better if the child’s father were there, but as the OP has the child full-time, she is parenting him, which includes meeting his health needs.

And of course she can remove a child in her care out of harm’s way.

frigginell · 04/12/2017 13:40

You do not have the knowledge, attitude and skills necessary to parent these high need children effectively. They sound like they are being let down - again - big time. You should move out to give their father an opportunity to focus on them fully, and he should make a greater effort to get the support he needs.

Biglettuce · 04/12/2017 19:16

I would really, really urge you to move out. I would even say that you are neglecting your responsibility to your children if you do not move out.

I don’t say that lightly.

There has to be a minimum of a harmonious household for kids. Your children do not have this minimum and the only person who can change that is you. They only get one childhood. Do you want them to look back and feel damaged by the extreme aggressive and frightening behaviour of a sibling? That could affect them for life.

You can support your partner from a separate household. You can support anything for your DS from a distance only.

This boy is about to hit teens. I’d be scared for your kids.

Your DP sounds unable to cope. Keep him telling social services this.

RichardRichieRichard · 04/12/2017 22:24

Bloody hell get out of there asap!

SandyY2K · 05/12/2017 06:52

It sounds far too stressful a situation to live in. If have to leave with my child.

wheresthel1ght · 05/12/2017 07:10

Some of the comments here are awful OP. Admittedly your posts are not well written so it does read to reflect you poorly.

That aside, you have a duty to protect your daughter son for her sake you need to move out.

Your dss needs help, get GPs involved, fight for CAAMHS referrals, contact his social worker and explain the situation in full, the violence everything.

Ultimately from what you have said there is clearly something in his past and probably to do with his mother than is causing this. You are currently in that role and therefore represent the figure he is angry at. He is lashing out because he needs help.

You are all failing to see this and his behaviour is being made worse by your reactions to it.

niceupthedance · 05/12/2017 07:54

@MomToWedThorFriday personality disorders are not able to be diagnosed until age 25. Plus most psychologists think they are due to trauma in childhood.

OP please give your partner a massive kick up the arse to get some help for all his kids. It’s not too late for them to change. But please try not to punish the 11yo by repeatedly rejecting him - putting him out of the room, house, threatening him with a children’s home - that will make his anxiety and behaviour worse.

IceniLacuna · 05/12/2017 09:15

Basic parenting lesson 1.
Do not blame the child for things that were caused by the parents.
The household is miserable due to poor parenting not due to the children. This 11 year old has had a chaotic childhood, suffered God knows what awfulness, lost all contact with his mum and when he was 8 (?) and trying to deal with all this his dad imported a new girlfriend he only just met, along with new baby. He is mixed up and insecure and angry and upset and has never learned how to process negative emotions or build positive relationships. He desperately needs help but instead you are blaming him. I can see you have tried to do things right at first, but you cannot solve this family's problems whilst also looking out for the needs of your daughter. You moving out might actually help - if dp is categorised as a single parent coping with this miserable situation then that might get the child the help he needs a bit sooner than otherwise.

Quartz2208 · 05/12/2017 09:23

Neglect, emotional abuse and an attachment disorder I would say.

Truthfully for everyone sake I would step away - you and your daughter need to be in a calm environment and your partner needs to put his 4 Children first. Adding a new partner to the mix was always going to be incendiary

If not he needs help. He is not acting like other children and he should not be treated as such

RestingGrinchFace · 05/12/2017 09:27

Just leave? He's clearly a shit father-why are you even attracted to him?

Thymeout · 05/12/2017 11:09

clearly a shit father

I don't think shit fathers take on full responsibility for 4 children when their wife is declared an unfit mother. She's not even allowed contact with the dcs. Give the guy a break. He's managed to keep the show on the road for at least 4? years. I think most of us would struggle with the 11 yr old.

Marissa2727 · 05/12/2017 11:59

@Quartz2208 surely he needs to put the needs of his FIVE children first? He has 5 children not 4. The needs of his daughter are no less or more important than the needs of the 4 children that came before her.
I agree that the op needs to remove herself from the situation to reassess but his obligations to his daughter do not end there. Or you could argue that the daughter will then be put in the same situation as the 11 year old (without a dad, just as he has been without a Mum). Just thought this needed saying.

Marissa2727 · 05/12/2017 12:01

Unless of course her daughter is not his... this wasn't clear!

Quartz2208 · 05/12/2017 12:03

Yes @Marissa2727 it does depend on whether it is his or not (I was assuming not the time line is not clear!)

splendide · 05/12/2017 12:04

I presume the daughter isn’t his - they met 6 months (maximum) before she was born?

Marissa2727 · 05/12/2017 12:08

Ahh ok fair enough. In that case I think it is a bit more clear cut... the OP should leave with DD.

itshappening · 05/12/2017 12:12

I can see you feel a lot of love and loyalty to your partner and I sympathise with the difficulties the older children are having. I totally understand why you would feel an obligation to stay and help.

Really though, you have one much bigger obligation to your dd. You should realise that is the truly important thing and move out. You could still see your partner and offer him a little support if you wish, but you can give your dd a better home. you must protect her.

WashingMatilda · 06/12/2017 18:23

Why on earth would you be with a man who has four children with another woman, and has all of them full time? He doesn't exactly sound like a great catch

That's a bit harsh. My DH has four wonderful children from his previous marriage, it doesn't mean he isn't a good person ffs.

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