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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Miserable household due to children

94 replies

Elliego1 · 03/12/2017 12:34

I met my partner 3 1/2 years ago. He has 4 children and has them full time. His ex partner has no access to her children and was seen as unfit by sw and a court order was imposed by a judge.

I am 25 my partner is 33. His kids are 13,11,11,6. My daughter is 3. Sometimes the household is okay. Majority of the time it's hell on earth. His son who is 11. Doesn't listen, throws himself of furniture, smashes up our home, has been sent home from school twice within weeks apart for bad behaviour, and he has purposely deficated on the floor instead of the toilet. He attacks the other children doesn't take no for an answer shouts over you doesn't take any punishment does what he wants when you remove something from him or ground him he will scream demonically and hit people in the house and destroy it we have no choice but to put him out the house which he sees as a win situation. The school are at there wits end but apparently there is no homes anymore so they are getting a mental health team involved. There isn't a serious enough word in the dictionary for his behaviour and he wrote out a Xmas list and when my partner looked at it and said that won't be happening he said yes it will. You cannot punish him and the school have even agreed with this. I can't spend another 5 years around him if I'm being honest he changes me as a person and I really lose the plot when he's screaming at me where I've picked him up to throw him out the room. I feel like a monster because I can't cope with it. My partner doesn't really offer any solutions he's been saying for 2 years the schools going to do this social work won't help they will blame the parent and there is no homes.

The other children aside from the 6yo who is well 6 she is still learning and for most part she is pleasant and well behaved. They come in and demand things and when are told no stand there until it's a yes. They want money 24/7 for nothing and expect to be bought stuff at hundreds of pounds when they do nothing for it. They do not help around the house and that's even cleaning there own mess they will only clean there own mess if they are given something for it. They have no interests except taking money and anything that is asked of them they also fight and argue and hit one another something as simple as tidy your room please they will argue and fight for ages if you allowed it and nothing gets done then they ask after screaming our house down and doing nothing can i go here? if I do it can i get money?

The behaviour is just embarrassing I have many children in my family and I was one myself I was never allowed to behave the way they do wouldn't even cross my mind to.

They do not appreciate anything you do for them. They don't even pay attention when giving them into trouble they just look away and go to their dad to get there own way. Quite frankly I am fed up of being around them and I am embarrassed to go anywhere with them because I feel like there behaviour in public could be seen as a reflection on me as a parent as people don't know the ins and outs of step parent and how long I've been in there life.

I am concerned for my own 3yo daughter because I would like her to be kind and sweet natured. I do not want her behaving like that it would devestate me. I do not like to be around kids or adults who act like that. I was brought up to respect my elders be happy with what you got as I understood some people don't have a lot of money and don't make adults feel bad for not being able to lavish you in expensive presents because it's rude and cruel. I'm not saying I never said or did anything wrong but I had manners, respect and would help out my grandparents or parents and do nice things for others. They don't even like there grandparents because they said in there words they don't get anything when they go down and there grandad doesn't buy them stuff and apparently they are also weird.

I find it all bizzare and frankly frustrating i have tried speaking to them calm explaining to them that its important to care about others its not always about what you get love is more important than an ipad. I've tried interacting with them making jokes, praising them for good behaviour and just to be there when needed. Nothing works they do not change there behaviour. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:
PSMum2 · 03/12/2017 18:36

This sounds like an awful situation. His son clearly needs professional help.

The only thing you can really do is move out for the sake of your own child. Growing up in a dysfunctional home has a negative impact that lasts well in to adulthood.

Ignore the people who are insulting you. I have noticed on these boards that there are people who jump all over anyone they think they can push around because they are obviously upset and vulnerable (which is almost everyone who posts here as people only post when they are at their wits end). The people attacking you are bullies. I’m sorry you are being subjected to their abuse when you are clearly in an awful situation. It it doubtful you will get any real advice on your problem here as anyone who tries to give it will be bullied too.

If you decide to stay I strongly recommend you getting your own therapist or counselor so you have someone to talk things through with.

Best of luck!

MotherCupboard · 03/12/2017 18:44

Op said she threw the boy out of the room. There is a big difference between calmly but firmly removing a child for the safety of his sister, and throwing him bodily out of the room because she couldnt cope with him shouting, which is what she said first.

Pointing out that picking up a child and throwing him is abuse, is not us bullying the op. I feel desperately sorry for the children here.

Oakmaiden · 03/12/2017 18:47

Pointing out that picking up a child and throwing him is abuse, is not us bullying the op.

However, it is entirely possible that "threw out of the room" was a turn of phrase meaning "used force to remove" rather than "picked up and actually threw".

llangennith · 03/12/2017 18:51

Leave. Move out. Get yourself and your DD as far away as you can from the lot of them.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 03/12/2017 19:00

I vote leave or at least move out. The sons behaviour is not some thing I could live with when I have a 3 year old

MotherCupboard · 03/12/2017 19:01

Ill take what the op actually said rather than try and spin it to make her look better actually. Im all for giving stepmums the benefit of the doubt but she has no right to lay hands on the boy because she lost her temper with him. How is that different to smacking him?

purplecorkheart · 03/12/2017 19:16

Honestly, I think if I was you I would move out with your daughter.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/12/2017 19:31

The poor children were in an abusive home with a mother who SS have said is unfit. That takes some because they don't do that lightly. Your partner had all those children with her so he is hardly blameless. What was he thinking? And they are, unsurprisingly, very troubled.

They need help. If you don't feel able to help, that's fine; leave. But don't make lists of all the things they do wrong after they have been failed by their parents.

Babybauble · 03/12/2017 19:42

You sound a big part of the problem tbh. Talking of 'homes', throwing them out of the room and with a tone of serious contempt. Them DC are a product of their parenting, your parenting sounds less then ideal.

TittyGolightly · 03/12/2017 19:51

I would hope I can read considering I am a full time student at university. Amazing how the university accepted me with very little reading capabilities, and no higher English

If you’ve been there more than a week and they haven’t shown you paragraphs yet, I’d be asking for my money back. Wink

Marissa2727 · 03/12/2017 20:16

Agree with @BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried that "Why on earth would you be with a man who has four children with another woman, and has all of them full time? He doesn't exactly sound like a great catch" is not exactly helpful! You could actually argue that it says a lot about his character in a positive way! The OP has not mentioned issues with her partner and she loves him?! My husband has kids from a previous relationship and it's a much better relationship than I have ever been in before.

That said. The situation is clearly overwhelming for you and I think you need some time away from the house with your daughter to reassess. It may be that you cannot continue living with your partner until the behaviour improves or until the child moves out in a few years time. Or it may be the case that you decide you cannot continue in a relationship where this behaviour occurs in the place you would need to be in to live with your partner. Either way at present it is not good for you or your daughter to stay there. Please take some time out to reassess.

C0untDucku1a · 03/12/2017 20:39

Im another saying taking your daughter and live in a separate home. Maybe even take the 6 year old. You dont need to split up. Just dont live there and keep your daughter away from the boy. Protect your child.

Protectingmydaughterfromfilth · 03/12/2017 22:39

Momtowed Hope you don't mind me asking but did your son spend any time at all with his father? My daughter's Dad is a Narcissistic Psychopath also and my DD is showing signs of mental health issues. I'm really really worried! She only spent short periods of time with him until she was 1. Nothing since. She is now almost 3

Protectingmydaughterfromfilth · 03/12/2017 22:46

Op I'm going to be harsh but realistic here.... If you do not move out with your daughter, you will most likely end up losing your daughter. If not in the next year then certainly the one after that!

Please, put YOUR child first!!!!!!

MomToWedThorFriday · 04/12/2017 09:03

Protecting Yes, he did. Parental alienation has definitely gone on (lovely). If I could go back and cut all contact when he was tiny I would.

CocaColaTruck · 04/12/2017 09:08

Please, move out. Or get the boy taken into care. No one is coping and it can only get worse.

chiaseeddisapointmentagain · 04/12/2017 09:27

Run. A man who parents so badly isn't worth being with.
You wouldn't put up with that behaviour from your own child so don't take it from his snotty nosed brats.

Thymeout · 04/12/2017 10:53

Op is 25. It's quite likely she is not familiar with the current terminology regarding residential care. So she refers to 'homes'. Given the 11 yr old's behaviour, at school and at home, where he seriously affecting the well-being of his siblings, would residential care not be an option?

When he is sitting on his sister and repeatedly slapping her face, what would you do? I think removing him from the room would be the first step in trying to resolve the situation?

But I agree with pps that moving out with your daughter could be the only solution for now . Perhaps if you weren't there, the family would move higher up the list for emergency action. It's obviously not a situation that can be allowed to continue. For everyone's sake.

RiseToday · 04/12/2017 11:07

Is he the father of your daughter? Please answer the question OP, several people have asked this!

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 04/12/2017 11:14

The oldest son sounds like he has serious issues and at 13 will probably never improve as a person. Is this what you want for your child?
I’d move out, that doesn’t mean you have to split up with you bf, but certainly don’t have to live with someone who thinks shitting on the floor is acceptable.

LoveDeathPrizes · 04/12/2017 11:21

Whatever may have happened previously, this is where you are - you have an antagonistic relationship with your partner's children. You have exhibited the same anger and violence as the older boy (yes, because it's hard. I do get it, but it doesn't change the fact that you have modelled the aggression that you punish him for). At this point, it sounds very much like you really don't like the boys. And they know that - so that's two mother figures in their lives that don't like them.

Kardashianlove · 04/12/2017 11:36

I will try reading up on different approaches maybe look into parenting class to figure out new methods.
This is what your DP should have done BEFORE he moved in with you.

I feel really sorry for all the children. It sounds like his DC have gone through a lot of trauma with their Mum, their dad then moving another woman in plus a new baby, no wonder they are struggling to cope.

It sounds like your DP doesn’t have the best judgement and hasn’t put the needs of his DC first. It’s not something I would want personally in a partner but everyone has their own standards.

I wouldn’t want my DD to grow up in that environment. It is normalising that type of behaviour to her and is probably damaging to her in the long term. Again, different people deem different things acceptable for their children.

LoveDeathPrizes · 04/12/2017 11:36

Sorry, that sounds really sanctimonious. I do feel really sorry for him, but yeah, what you're going through is just awful and I think I'd walk in your situation.

Thebluedog · 04/12/2017 11:43

You need to put yourself and your daughter first .

But there is help out there if you need it. If their mother has been deemedunfit to see them, then they’ve probably whitnessed or experienced things they shouldn’t have. So this behaviour is prob a result of this. I have an adopted dd and we’ve had similar issues, but at least we know ‘why’ which makes it a lot easier to deal with the behaviour. We’ve also had councill By on how to deal with her.

I’d be ringing cahms, take him to your doctors and get him referred, get the Senco person at the school involved . The kids need help, even if that means you and your dp are the ones that are taught how to deal with it (as happened with me). Keep pushing and pushing for help.

SuburbanRhonda · 04/12/2017 12:10

When he is sitting on his sister and repeatedly slapping her face, what would you do?

I would remove his sister for her own safety. And I would be camping out at the GP until I got a referral for a paediatric assessment for the 11-year-old, not expecting the school to sort out his behaviour at home.