Who actually enjoys being a stepparent?

[Hoplittlerabbit]

I want to hear some positive stories. People obviously post on this board when there is an issue and they need advice but it can be very ‘doom and gloom’ and can often focus on the negatives.

So let’s share some lovely positive stories as a reminder to those who are struggling with their own situations. It isn’t always bad. It is challenging and at times appears unrewarding but it can also be wonderfully fulfilling being a stepparent.

I personally struggled in the early days with many things and most of all my DPs children’s behaviour. However in recent months it all seems to have settled down and we are very happy - all of us!

Share your lovely experiences of stepparenting

I love love love this thread ❤️
It’s nice to read happy stories!

This time last year I was in such a crappy place with regards to the SCs, I felt I would never enjoy it or cope. I adore my DP but I was close to walking away from all the drama and felt like a failure.
I have 2 DCs of my own and I have found being a mother so easy and enjoyable and when I naively thought being a stepparent would come just as naturally,
But things have got easier. My SDs seem to genuinely love me and the company of my children too. The light at the end of the tunnel has been reached and although I know it will never be all plain sailing, I am so happy and hopeful for the lovely life I think we can all build together.
SD2 who is 8yo has just FaceTimed me because she missed me and fancied a chat
This is how I dreamed it would be and I feel like we’re finally getting there. ALL the kids are happy and feeling loved, as am I!

If there are any stepparents reading this thread whilst having a hard time - It can get better. No one ever finds it easy but I can be such a fulfilling role to take on

jellybean - thanks for you honesty, rare to see on here when the circumstances are similar to yours were.

Whilst your last paragraph suits your interpretation of the events - the happy scenario leaves out one person, who got hurt the most and twice, by both you and her husband.

Excellent that your relationship with the DSDs is good, whilst I wanted nothing to do with the OW ( ex friend) I did want her to be "nice" to my DCs - she sadly was not - thank fully no longer in their lives.
What it has done is colour my DCs view on step parenting so badly - I am left unable to have a "step" father move in, the damage is immense.

A good relationship has to be the way forward for the children - so glad so many of you do.

PS: Do not always blame the EX wife - my 10yr old has very clear views on what was right and wrong with out me saying anything. I swear my tongue almost broke in two!

Lovely thread!

I definitely enjoy being a SM to my DSD (11). She was quite young when I met her Dad which I think gave me an easier ride as she doesn't now really remember a time when I wasn't around. She doesn't get on with her SF (mum's partner) anywhere near as well but I think a lot of that is just due to the age she was when he came on the scene and him changing her 'normal'. So I count myself pretty lucky that I got to meet her when I did.

We do loads together because I facilitate a lot of the contact time (school runs, dropping back to mum etc) and I really look forward to doing these things. She's a really ace little girl, so smart and funny and conversation with her is great.

We've had a bit of an adjustment lately with my first DC arriving a year or so ago, the first year has been hard and I've been aware that I haven't had as much time for her as I did before but she's been very understanding and loves her new Dsis. I've tried to keep doing all the important stuff - like making her birthday cake 2 days after giving birth because it's something I do for her every year!

Of course there are all the usual SM woes, logistics, plans changing, feeling a bit out of control about arrangements being made about your own life, but for me the highs well outweigh the lows. I've enjoyed watching her grow from a little girl into a lovely young lady and am looking forward (with a bit of trepidation!) to the next (teenage!) stage

I never said no one got hurt... And I never said my behaviour was OK...

I do. I've known my stepDD since she was 2, lived together since she was 4, she's now 6. I honestly love her as much as I love my biological DD, and I can't imagine not having her around.

We certainly have our difficult moments, but I don't think they're any worse than between a biological daughter and her mother.

Me. I love my little stepson. I feel honoured to have him in my life .

jelly - was not having a go. (This is not for this topic)

Believe me I have seen the damage a bad SP relationship can have and would not wish that on any child. I have seen my friend have an absolutely fab SP relationship with her DSCs - something I would have wanted for my DCs. But it took time and effort and a realisation that the SDCs had feelings opinions and whilst she may not agree with them, she did need to them credence and work through them with the kids. ( Ahelluva a lot more effort than she or I had ever realised)

The Gospel of Gordon's has helped us both through the times and taught me a lot about what has happening to my DCS!!!

I like being a stepmum. I love my DSC to bits.

The biggest load of crap you hear as a SM is you knew what you were getting into. No one ever says that to natural parents. You can go into it with the best intentions in the world and it can still go wrong due to any number of factors.

My DSC have made it very easy for me most of the time. We’ve had tricky times but I’ve never considered walking. As much as the people my DSC are are responsible for making it great, the way DH is and has always been is the biggest reason it’s been good. The things I read here and elsewhere about awful men who are crappy dads and terrible partners are truly shocking and make me feel very grateful for my DHs attitude and approach.

While my life has changed completely due to being a SM I’m still myself and we take the approach, which works, that balancing needs and wants is what keeps the family unit ticking over and everyone feeling happy and cherished. I play a lot of Lego and make a lot of cakes with them. They leave me to it when I want an hour with a book. DH does the gardening and I play with them for an afternoon. That balance keeps life with them normal, they have two homes and they’re at home here, not visitors.

I set out to be an extra adult in their lives who cares for them. Over time I realised they definitely see me as an additional parent and a second Mum figure. Not what I ever try and do or have made happen, and it doesn’t come from DH. It’s taken me some time to get used to, it feels like more responsibility than I’d planned on having. They trust me and are hugely kind to me and that’s a good thing. They’re beautiful, infuriating, fascinating people and the love I have for them, the pride I have in their achievements, has taken me by surprise and grown over time.

I get the occasional moment of mild disbelief that a naked 8 year old boy is prancing round my living room peppering me with questions about dinosaurs. But it makes me very happy and I’m used to his aversion to wearing clothes indoors and learning a lot about prehistory.

My dd was 5 and sd was 3 when me and dh met. Neither child had their other parent around so we were lucky to not have to deal with any exes. We also have our own child now but all children are treated the same and I'm mum to all 3. The girls are sisters not step sisters and have never made any comment about not being full siblings.

jellybeans, your post is very refreshing. I also come from a family where divorce and affairs are the norm, but when somehow, people recover, move on and make the best of it without too much damage and with the children/half children and even step children becoming close to each other.

Jellybeans post sounds lovely but the loveliness doesn't include her partners ex wife who plainly got the shitty end of the stick.

George - agreed the emotinal damage inflicted on her must be immense - but this is a thread about good - so have avoided getting into this!

It is nice that jelly gets on with her step children - but they were 19 and 16 at the time - so very different scenario to little kids.

Agree that there is no doubt hurt all round, but in the end I have tried hard to ensure my relationship with my dsds is separate to any of my feelings around their mother... The whole story is rather complicated and not for this thread.
I love what pp said about being another adukt in their lives rather than another parent.
Just had a lovely day with all four girls Christmas shopping... And choosing new puppy for my dp.
Felt tearful when eldest dsd said 'you make dad so happy, I am glad he has you in his life'
Couldn't speak, just hugged her hard...

I do!

I don't really say it aloud much as I'm conscious of the perception that SMs like to 'play happy families', but I really do love hanging out with the DC, and I very much appreciate how they've accepted me into their world.

I don't have any friends in a similar position, so they don't always understand why I might turn down invitations as it's a children weekend, but I really would prefer to stay with my team!

Similarly to a previous poster, I see my role as an extra grown up in their lives, someone to watch out for traffic while they're crossing the road, help them with new words and answer their questions about the world. When they're older I hope to be their friend, and someone they can call for a lift home when they need it.

My goal with their mum is a more modest one: I hope that when they get married I can be invited without it causing anyone anxiety. I've got about 25 years for that one, so fingers crossed!

@GeorgeTheHamster, I too got the shitty end of the stick - exh left me for ow (though lied all the time about it) who is now sm to my kids & dm to my kids half siblings. Exh also left me with an sti (and immense shame) from all his sleeping around - thankfully this has been dealt with.
But you know, I picked myself up, did years of therapy & got myself a life that has nothing to do with them. I was determined that the rest of my life was not going to be swallowed up by bitterness over that he did to me - I was not going to give him that power.
As a result my kids have a lovely relationship with their sm which has made their lives so much easier.
Flipside dp & his exw spilt up mutually, no one else involved. She now seems to regret the divorce, hates me, refuses to facilitate their kids having a relationship with me or my children so as a result I have no relationship with them bar that of a distant relative.
So re positivity on this thread - as Swing says - good stuff happens when people move on.

We're not actually married but DP has a 7 year old girl. We live together (her half the time) and have a baby on the way. She and I genuinely adore each other. I think it helps that I fell in love with them both as a package. They have a very close relationship but it's one that they are both happy to share with me now.

Of course these things are never without challenges but so far it has been great. We make sure she gets time alone with DP and things like bedtime, bath time, the school run, when she's hurt or upset are all jobs for him (unless he's not there in which case it's me).

Things will inevitably change with the new baby but so far she's excited and DP and I have talked at length about how to make sure she stays happy and is given the love and attention she needs when we're struggling with a newborn.

It makes me extra happy when she does things like draw me a picture, or wants me to do something fun with her. She wants to call me her stepmum and has told me that I'm the best stepmum ever.

@ Magda, I'm really glad to hear that and I agree with everything you say.

It just stuck in my craw to hear "la la la it's all fine we're one big happy family" when one very significant person wasn't mentioned.

I am sorry it seemed like that to you George, but this thread was about positive step parenting, not a thread for discussion about the ins and outs of how we became step parents.
It 'sticks in my craw' when people presume the worse, because dp has a bitter ex wife.. You have no idea of the circumstances or back story...

jelly - please can we stick to happy stories.

You and your DP regardless of circumstances etc were awful on multiple occasions to this woman - you yourself have no remorse for the hurt - yet it sticks in your craw - please can we leave this topic it is not what this thread is about and whilst we get you have the happy elder SDC relationship - some serious damage has been done to the eldest DSD and her mother. That in your case can not be brushed under the carpet.

Magda has the right to be superior and i have complete admiration for her approach - obviously taken time and significant energy on her part.

And how exactly do you know all those things...?
As I said I was as far as I knew posting about the happy excellent relationship I had with dsds. As others on this thread were. I had honestly explained that this had not always been easy but was worth it.
I don't pass assertions on other people, and nor do I ask how they came to be happy step parents.. I didn't derail this thread. Magda and George made presumptions about me and my story and then felt they had the right to assume a moral high ground.
Not very nice on a thread were I had been happy to support op in her request for happy step parents.
I will go now as I do not need to be judged by strangers on the Internet who know absolutely nothing about the circumstances

I’m not a step parent but it’s lovely reading these positive stories.

I can give a bit of insight from the other side, my parents split when I was 10 (DF affair) and all of a sudden I had a step mum! She didn’t have any children of her own but treated me amazingly well, she was the opposite of my mum so I really did have the best of everything - unfortunately she died of cancer when I was 15 and I still miss her and think about how life would be if she was here.

I wasn’t always the perfect step daughter and I struggled that I wasn’t the daddy’s girl I once was, now but if I could go back and not be a selfish teenager I would have told her every day how much of a great job she did being there for me. I will always remember at her funeral they said I was the daughter she never had. So step parents who are struggling, if they’re anything like me they do care.

MY DSS hated me for the first 4 years and did everything he could to split DH and me up. DH had left when DSS was a few months old, not through choice and no affair. DSS was 5 when DH and I got together although DSS has known me since birth.
It was awful TBH, I just stuck with the boundries I had for my DS and when he came he and DS were treated the same by me, DH was a complete Disney Dad!
DSS hated rules, boundries and was failing in school not that he went often, was never told no and at 5 years old had no bedtime, if he didn't want to do something he didn't have to, he would stay up until midnight etc even watching tv was awful because he had the remote... get the picture.
DH did try his best but as he wasn't on the birth certificate it was hard and DSS Mother would withhold access, went to court several times but that made no difference to her. He was so scared of not seeing his son he'd just go along with what she dictated.
When his Mother realised that her tactics of slagging me off, trying to withhold access etc weren't working she decided she didn't want DSS to live with her and I came home from work one day to be told DSS was going to live with us, he was 9.
Now DSS is nearly 16, I have full custody of him and DSS wants me to adopt him. It was the best thing ever for me and DSS is now doing fantastic in school, he's a good kid and I'm very proud of him. He and DS are best friends and their relationship is fantastic.
Unfortunatly he doesn't see his mother as when he came to live with us obviously DH stopped paying maintenance although we allowed her to keep the child benefit, we did this to encourage her seeing him but that wasn't enough sadly.

I love my role as a step-mum.

It is not all sunshine and roses in any family, and for a blended family there are other tricky situations to overcome.

I have a good relationship with all my DSC and they have built up a great relationship with my DC. This was done from minimal interference from us adults.

Their mother ended her marriage to my DH because she had an affair (She also believed that she could go have her fun and my DH would be there at the end waiting for her - and yes she very open with this train of thought) My eldest DSC witnesses her DM actions and this has affected their relationship somewhat - but this has improved over the last few months after my DSC threatened to move out (another story for another time).

DSC was worried that I could hurt her dad too - this is the reason our relationship was very slow and gradual thing. She is a gentle soul and I loved the empathy she held at such a young age.
The younger DSC just about remembers a time before me and they are full of kisses and hugs and this has not stopped with every birthday that passes.

Every now and again all the DSC do call me a version of "mother"; but that is their choice and its normally when they want something! LOL! - they know how much I love them and I am happy just to be their confidant, cheer leader, clown and (at times) advice giver.

Its taken work to get to where we are now and I know there are possible problems ahead, and hopefully we can work to overcome them. But all in all I love my family unit - warts and all xxx

I love my dsd, she is 22 and I have been in her life since she was 6. She lives with us now and she really is my best friend and I hers.

I adore my step daughter, I'm so grateful that she enjoys my company too. We only see each other a few weeks per year as she lives 2 hours away, but I believe well always have a great relationship. I'm pregnant now so I'm hoping that she'll have an influence in the babies upbringing x