So bloody cross!

[MattBerrysHair]

I'm posting to vent as I don't want to cause an atmosphere by being in a foul mood here at home.

Dss(16) was sitting on the floor next to ds1(9) playing a game on his phone. As he finished up and closed the game down I happened to glance over and saw that his screen saver was a picture of a naked glamour model. Just as I glanced over so did ds1, but I don't know how much he saw because I tersely said dss' name and he quickly put the phone out of sight.

Dss a lovely lad but can be very thoughtless. He and his df, my dp, moved in 6 months ago. I spoke to him about it and he readily apologised and has taken the picture off his screen saver. He's brilliant with my dss', really kind and caring, but I worry about him inadvertently exposing them to inappropriate things. He sometimes talks openly about his defiant behaviour and anger management issues at his old school and has to be reminded that it's fine to talk about those things with his dad and me, but not when the boys are present. They look up to him and I don't want them to copy. He loves college and has no behaviour problems now, and during his high school years never exhibited any challenging behaviour at home. I have no doubt that he respects the boundaries set at home and understands why they are in place, but it's the potential thoughtless incidents that cause me anxiety.

I'm not sure if there is anything dp and I can do any more than we are already doing, which is keeping lines of communication open and respecting that the transition from being the youngest in a household to being the eldest can be difficult.

Any thoughts on the situation are most welcome.

Sounds to me like you’re all doing pretty well! Keeping communication open is so important and you’re already doing that well.

What in particular are you worrying about? The screensaver isn’t great but was quickly dealt with. He sounds like an alright lad, respects you and is open with you and his dad. You sound like you’re handling things in a good way too.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

His previous behavioural issues, are better out in the open. The other kids will learn and realise that who they see now is not the child that he previously describes. He acknowledges his past and what went wrong.

The naked girl - well my 10 yr old can find naked women on the internet with all child locks etc on - again better out in the open than hidden.

Thanks Anne. I think I'm probably worried about my little people growing up faster than they would have if dp and dsd hadn't moved in. It hadn't occurred to them that swearing at teachers, breaking into abandoned buildings, or getting into fights were options! If they ask about sensitive or contraversial things then I speak to them and try to answer all their questions, and we'll talk about the context of the issue and why it happened the way it did. I want them to have a good understanding of the consequences of their actions and how they impact their future or the people around them. Dss doesn't have the ability to contextualise the things he did when talking to my dss'. For example, he'll say 'I got really angry cos the teacher was on my case and I shouted at them to fuck off and to get out of my face'. He won't think to explain that he was getting anxious about a test and asked the teacher if he could use his time-out card so he could leave the classroom to calm down, that the teacher refused and told him off for being disruptive, which made him panic more and verbally lash out. He is severely dislexic which was never addressed by the school despite years of badgering from dp.

I hope I'm making sense.

As for naked women used as screen savers, that will never be tolerated in our house by me or dp. He can look at porn in the privacy of his own room if he wants to, but I'm not having the younger ones exposed to images that sexually objectify women. And to pre-empt any accusations of prudishness, we're a very open family. No subject is off limits if the dc's want to talk about something. I answer all their questions about puberty, reproduction and sex as honestly as I can although I drew the line at ds1 asking how many people I'd had sex with, nosey little sod