Christmas Arrangements

[Justonemorecuppa]

DP and I are at odds over Xmas eve. He moved in end of last year - Xmas eve wasn't an issue because my kids were with their Dad and he never has DSS on Xmas eve. We went out for dinner and had a nice eve together. Xmas day, we spent apart with our respective children and families.
This year my kids are with me on Xmas eve til lunchtime on Xmas Day. Despite the fact he's lived here for a year, DP says he doesn't want to stay here Xmas Eve as it'd feel uncomfortable for him staying here with my kids when he doesn't have his son. I pointed out that I'll feel the same Xmas day when I drop my kids off and head over to his parents for Xmas dinner with him and DSS but we're a couple, been together almost 4 years and this will be the first Xmas we'll be spending any of the day together - it's bound to feel a bit strange at first.
I do get his point, but I feel like things will not get any easier if we avoid these sorts of issues when they come up. Any ideas or suggestions about how to break the stalemate? Any compromises that people can suggest?

(NB: I should point out that I will be speaking to my kids and if they would feel uncomfortable having DP here Xmas day morning I will rethink my position)

You are not BU. I can understand that yr DP feels a bit sad not to have his son there Xmas eve but as you pointed out you will be with him & his kids Xmas day so what's the difference?

So what does he suggest? He sleeps elsewhere on Christmas Eve? & you meet up at his parents at lunchtime?

Does that work for you logistically? If not, sounds ok to me.

Chewbecca - Yes thats exactly what he's suggesting - he stay at his parents Xmas eve and I head over once I've dropped my kids off. Logistically, it's possible. It's only a 30 min drive. But I just think - he's my partner, we live together, I want us to spend special occasions together, not separate.

I do get what he's saying but I suspect it's more that he doesn't want his son to know he's spent Xmas eve and Xmas day morning with my kids - he still isn't completely comfortable about the fact he's here regularly with my kids when his son isn't (recently we were on a day out together and I suggested I would happily drive us to drop his son home so he could have a beer with dinner - he said no as he would feel bad dropping his son off with us all in the car as it'd feel like he was abandoning him for his 'new family').

I can see it from both your points of view. I can imagine that spending that time with your children would man him think of his son and feel sad and guilty that he isn’t with his son.
I suppose the important question is that if you agree to what he’s saying this year then would it always be this way. Also how old is his son? As at a certain age his son would understand his dad being with you and your children

If he was committed to you all wouldn't he want to spend it with you and your dc regardless of any other factors?
My exh often spat his dummy out when I had my dc and he didn't. It's not an attractive quality resenting other people's dc imo.

User - his son is 10 and would understand as dp ex has married and had other children so he's not unaware of the fact it happens (although is slightly different as they are siblings). And my worry is like you say would I be setting myself up for every Xmas/special occasion to be this way?

Just booked - I wouldn't say he resents my kids, more that he overly worries about how his son will react (his son hasn't always been too happy with his having a partner).

I did suggest that, in light of the new set up, he could ask his ex if they could alternate xmas eve/xmas day morning now as her argument was dss should be with her xmas day morning as there's other children at hers whereas there's no other children in dps family. But he doesn't think she'll agree to that so doesn't even want to ask.

He is considering the idea, which is progress. When we first spoke about xmas he was flat out no so hopefully maybe.....

The mother and her new children aren’t more important than the dad. Why shouldn’t he have them Christmas Day? One parent isn’t more important or has more power than the other.

If you went formal contact order you’d get alternative Christmas Day.

Does he not have any sort of bond with your kids after 4 years together, It sounds like he sees you very much a seperate to his son which sounds really quite sad, It also doesnt sound like hes making any effort to want to spend time with your kids considering he isnt going to see them at all over christmas, I would be quite offended to be honest especially considering the fact you will be spending time with him and his son after you have dropped your kids off, Its like he looks at your kids alot differently to his own and treats them alot differently not even wanting to be in their presence over christmas because he has another child. I dont know how you put up with it to be honest.