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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepchildren's mother has "forgotten" it is her weekend to see her children

24 replies

Anna8888 · 16/04/2007 10:26

My stepsons are, in theory, resident with their mother and visit their father and me every other weekend (Friday-Monday), every Tuesday night and half the holidays. My partner also sees the boys during the week (drives them to school, has lunch with them, takes them to tennis, doctor etc).
It is currently the Easter holiday and, in theory, the boys were due to spend the first two weekends and the week in between with us (we took them ski-ing) and the second week and third weekend with their mother.
Their mother has forgotten that it is her weekend this coming weekend, she has arranged to go away and can't have the boys. What's more, it's her eldest son's birthday on Saturday.
In their position I would be terribly hurt and I think that this is very damaging behaviour on her part and that my partner needs to ensure that this doesn't happen again. But I would be interested to know what you think and whether I am overreacting.

OP posts:

Quootiepie · 16/04/2007 10:38

Well, it wouldn't be that hard to forget by what your saying, sounded abit confusing to me, but then if it was your children I do not see how you can forget. Depends how clear it was made, because I know me personally need reminding all the time even of important things as I get muddled easily. Maybe she did genuinly forget, not good as it was her DC, but, if you forget something, you forget it, you don't choose to.

Original poster

Anna8888 · 16/04/2007 10:40

So you think that if you forget something, you are not responsible???

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FioFio · 16/04/2007 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sniff · 16/04/2007 10:43

wouldnt she then cancel her plans especially if its her sons birthday

I dont think remembering when your going to have your own children is unreasonable

buy her a calendar

MerlinsBeard · 16/04/2007 10:43

it sounds like a very confusing arrangement tbh. Sounds very easy to forget and she probabably worked the weekends out wrong. Odd that she seems to have forgotten its her eldests b'day tho...... ??

Original poster

Anna8888 · 16/04/2007 10:53

The arrangement is the same as every last divorced family in France that doesn't do 50:50 with the children so it shouldn't be confusing to their mother (since she is French and we all live in France).

So on the basis that it's not confusing, don't you think that this is sending a very uncaring attitude to her children?

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Quootiepie · 16/04/2007 10:55

oh, if its the same arrangement long term, not just a new holiday arrangement AND it's her sons birthday, I do find that odd. You would know if you had your son or not for his birthday, and remember it. She should really write it down, double check etc.

Original poster

Anna8888 · 16/04/2007 10:59

quootiepie - don't you think a normally constituted mother would WANT to see her children enough not to forget something so straightforward?

As a mother myself, I know how I feel.

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giddy1 · 16/04/2007 11:03

Message deleted

KerryMum · 16/04/2007 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Anna8888 · 16/04/2007 11:19

Giddy1 - no, the arrangement for holidays is different to the arrangement for term time.

The dates are set by the family court.

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Surfermum · 16/04/2007 13:59

To not know if you were having the children or not is understandable to me if she's someone who is not that organised, especially if the weekends have been altered for holidays. Has this happened before or is it a one-off? And has she forgotten it's his birthday, or did she know it was his birthday but thought it wasn't "her" weekend?

Was the first weekend of your two consecutive ones the normal one and the second extra, or the other way round? She might have had it in her head that as you had them the first weekend, you'd be having them the 3rd weekend too (as per alternate weekends) and therefore made arrangements, albeit wrongly.

What normally happens on his birthday? Is it spent with whichever parent he is with? And how does the boy himself feel about her being away?

Ooh, lots of questions! . Whatever is going on, I don't think it's your dp's responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen again, other than maybe confirm arrangements for the next time at drop-off time. If she wants to make sure she never forgets a weekend she is having them and her sons' birthdays, that's down to her to get herself organised.

If it were us we'd be jumping with joy at an extra weekend with dsd and the chance to have her on her birthday, and would try to make it extra special so that she feels less let down by her mum (if that's what she was feeling).

beansprout · 16/04/2007 14:00

I'm in a step-family and while the arrangements may seem confusing to outsiders, they tend to be set in stone and so aren't confusing at all to those concerned.

I think what she has done is shocking and there is no excuse for it.

Original poster

Anna8888 · 16/04/2007 14:15

beansprout - that's exactly how I feel.

The arrangements are extremely clear - we have the boys every even weekend (second, fourth, sixth... 52nd weekend etc of the year) but during holidays we split the time 50:50 down the middle (ie we have four weeks in July, she has four weeks in August) so there is absolutely always an issue of a middle weekend where there is in effect a swap. Every time.

My partner and I don't usually feel like "jumping for joy" when the children's mother lets them down.

Birthdays are spent with whoever has the boys on that day. If it's not with us, then we have a celebration the very next time we see them.

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giddy1 · 16/04/2007 16:49

Message deleted

Original poster

Anna8888 · 16/04/2007 16:57

I have the feeling that there is no excuse at all and I feel really sorry for the boys that these things happen - surely they feel neglected by their mother? The dates are set (for years ahead), and while changes ARE made (the boys come to us for extra nights when their mother travels for work, at her request) the regular arrangement is never deviated from.

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Surfermum · 16/04/2007 20:37

Oh I didn't mean that we wouldn't be upset if dsd's mum let her down, of course we would be. I just meant that we'd be happy to be having her for extra time and on her birthday.

I'm still not clear though whether this is a genuine mistake on her part and she's got muddled over dates, or she's done it deliberately. If she wouldn't normally see her son on his birthday if it was "your" weekend, then maybe that's why she booked to go away. If she's deliberately arranged to go away and miss his birthday, and he knows that he should have been spending the day with his mum, then yes, that would be awful for him.

catsmother · 16/04/2007 20:44

I agree there really isn't an excuse. People have calendars, people write dates down on them if they are the sort to "forget" what's happening when .... and that's even before you consider that this sort of holiday arrangement has been going on for a long time.

Besides - did she also "forget" her son's birthday while she was making plans to go away ? ..... and more importantly, did (does) the boy believe he'd be seeing his mother then ? IMO, I think stepchildren need to have a clear idea of who they're going to be with, for how long & when etc., in order to feel safe and secure. It's not fair to alter arrangements last minute if you can possibly avoid doing so .... though obviously, I'm sure you & DP will make sure his birthday with you is a lovely occasion.

In my experience, my skids' mother tends to "forget" things when to "remember" them would disadvantage her in some way.

I wonder what would have happened if YOU had made arrangements to go away - thinking, not unreasonably, you were free to do so ? Who would have looked after the boys then ?

KnayedFrot · 16/04/2007 20:55

You are saying that she has not spent one of the last two weekends with her kids and she plans to go away for the third one, and it is her son's birthday?

I would view that - even if it is forgetfulness, as uncaring, yes.

I'm in a step family too, and regularly had to contend with my stepkids mother not being there for them when we took them home (house empty, she "running late" somewhere).

I'm fairly sure some of the time it was done deliberately, to disrupt our plans...but the only people who suffered were the kids

I don't think your DP can tke responsibility for her, though.

catsmother · 16/04/2007 21:09

I totally agree with KnayedFrot when she says:

"I'm in a step family too, and regularly had to contend with my stepkids mother not being there for them when we took them home (house empty, she "running late" somewhere).

I'm fairly sure some of the time it was done deliberately, to disrupt our plans...but the only people who suffered were the kids"

My DP has had to try and reassure 2 very young children (at the time) who were distraught when their mother wasn't in to receive them at the normal time after a weekend with their dad (and who didn't answer her phone when he tried to speak to her). His youngest started wailing that she "might have had an accident, she might be dead". This has happened more than once, and she turned up hours later. Not only did she get more of a day out - never mind the kids - there was also the added amusement (and I'm convinced this was a large part of her selfish motivation) of my DP having to entertain 2 small kids from 7 to 9pm on a Sunday night in strange area over a 100 miles from where he lives.

I would feel mortified if my children believed I was hurt and/or dead through my own selfish thoughtlessness.

Original poster

Anna8888 · 17/04/2007 07:54

catsmother - we are supposed to be going away this weekend, to see my parents who I haven't seen for 10 weeks as my mother had an operation and couldn't travel/have us to stay. So now I shall go on my own with my daughter as I can't possibly let my parents down (and the tickets are paid for) and my partner will stay behind and have the boys as we can't possibly let them down.

Their mother drives me crazy. Of course ultimately it's the boys who suffer most because they feel neglected, especially the younger one (not the one whose birthday it is this Saturday). And when he's unhappy, all his mother can think of is to send him ONCE MORE to the shrink so that she can keep a clear conscience that she is doing something about him.

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kimi · 17/04/2007 08:07

A888 shock] how the hell do you "forget" and book to go away on your child's birthday????
What if you and you DH were going away and could not have the children?
She sounds a silly selfish woman.

kimi · 17/04/2007 08:08

oooops did not see you DID have plans already.

Original poster

Anna8888 · 17/04/2007 08:11

This is just one example of my stepsons' mother's attitude, and bit by bit I learn to anticipate crises and so we have fewer of them. It's such hard work though, for no benefit.

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