Help- am I being selfish?

[Kayleighwooxox]

My step daughter won’t talk to me, she’s got select mutism but she’s spoke to me before and the last time she spoke was on Halloween, she’d rather just whisper in her dads ear. Sometimes I feel she’s playing on it, she lost her mum last year so I understand it might be hard for her but if she’s spoke before why won’t she speak again.

Funny Kristina how I felt really connected to you on the Medicine thread but not here at all :)

Why should it be all about the SD and not about the son? They are siblings and both children of the family , both are equally important.

Of course they are both as important as the other, but I would think that the needs of a child who's lost her mother are much higher than those of a toddler whose only change in their life is an elder sibling not giving them as much attention. This poor girl is her short life had to deal with issues with a mother who clearly didn't provide adequate care to her but who she probably still loved deeply, a move with her father and OP having to adapt to new rules and behaviour, a baby who would have taken a lot of their time, and then something that happened at school bad enough that it warranted a change of school. That's A LOT for such a young child. I don't know her, she is a stranger, yet I feel this need to take her in my arms and tell her that everything is going to be ok.

So comparing this with the confusion that an elder sibling is not talking to them is to me totally out of proportion.

swing anything that's written before a 'but' means nothing as the rest of your post clearly points out.

My mother has had mental health problems my whole entire life and I know how debilitating it can be to a whole family - the whole family dynamics can be solely focused on one single persons feelings with little regard to any one else.

The kid gloves would be off for me. I'd treat dsd as every one else, I'd pay no special treatment to dsd selected mutism and when the ds got upset I'd just say dd isn't in the mood for speaking.

Its clear to see that the dd has a whole bag of issues just by only speaking to a select few but no way would I let my family be dictated by it. Myself and my siblings where brought up walking on egg shells not to
Upset my mother, I wouldn't inflict that on my kids

Kr1

Firstly I never said the 3 yo was wrong. I said the OPs posts focus only on the impact this is having on her son and her.

Secondly should the OP and dad not be seeking advice from the proffessionals on how best to handle this as a family? Why have you suddenly decided its down to me? Very odd.

I have had to explain disability to my own children when they were around the same age and could not understand why their big brother destroyed the house/hit me/broke their toys and said nasty things.
Is was not easy but I explained as simply as I could that their brother could not help it and that he needs us to be ok and kind to him.
I had to repeat it many times.
At that age I doubt they fully understood but as they grew up their understanding improved.

Cosmic you agree that the OP is making out its all about her and her son didn't you?
Yes I did. But I did not hammer the OP. I am sorry is ultimate support the only thing anyone is allowed to post Bibb?
I did not call the OP evil or horrid. I said I agreed that her posts read as only being about hers and her sons feelings.

Of all the posts on here you two have decided to jump on my one not offensive sentance. Whats wrong too scared to pull up the other posters who expressed much more criticism

The kid gloves would be off for me. I'd treat dsd as every one else, I'd pay no special treatment to dsd selected mutism and when the ds got upset I'd just say dd isn't in the mood for speaking.

Its clear to see that the dd has a whole bag of issues just by only speaking to a select few but no way would I let my family be dictated by it. Myself and my siblings where brought up walking on egg shells not to upset my mother, I wouldn't inflict that on my kids

I have a child with selective mutism - yes in some ways 'kid gloves' aren't the answer as the child generally just wants to fit in and not be picked on for special attention as actually that's what they are trying to avoid. Saying 'dd isn't in the mood for speaking' should take the pressure off and may well help as long as it's done kindly.

Re the 'only speaking to a select few' that's a really unfortunate take on the 'selective mutism' and a very common misconception. The child doesn't consciously select whether they are able to communicate. It's like saying a person with mobility problems can 'only walk in select situations' then blaming them for not being able to walk over rough terrain as they can walk on a flat pavement so they 'must be able to walk'.

It's not as straightforward as how well they know someone either - sometimes it's easier to speak to a person in a shop as it's unemotional, and usually a fairly straightforward and short conversation. But if that shop person appeared in the kitchen at home the child may not be able to speak to them in that context. It's very complicated and frustrating condition, but it absolutely isn't the child's choice.

Selective mutism does not mean you consciously decide to speak to only a few people!

Why should it be all about the SD and not about the son?
Because she's the one who is traumatised to the point that she can barely speak!
How that impacts other people in the family cannot possibly be the priority. Provide the right help and support to her and is stops affecting other people in the family anyway.

Kr1st1na you don't tell the 3-year-old that his feelings are wrong, you tell him that it's ok to feel sad but it doesn't mean his sister doesn't love him, she's just having a really difficult time talking at the moment.

Speaking to different people IS different. It could be that she feels under no pressure when talking to complete strangers, like she has no connection to them. When talking to family, all kinds of other feelings come into play - she could be subconsciously keeping them at a distance through fear of losing them.

Incidentally selective mutism doesn't usually follow a trauma - that's traumatic mutism whereby an individual completely stops talking to anyone.

Selectively mute children aren't more likely to have had a difficult / traumatic upbringing than any other child. They are just predisposed to anxiety which can manifest as SM in certain situations, such as at school or when they are upset or stressed about something.