Help- am I being selfish?

[Kayleighwooxox]

My step daughter won’t talk to me, she’s got select mutism but she’s spoke to me before and the last time she spoke was on Halloween, she’d rather just whisper in her dads ear. Sometimes I feel she’s playing on it, she lost her mum last year so I understand it might be hard for her but if she’s spoke before why won’t she speak again.

What sort of therapy is she having? My son attends play therapy and his therapist is fantastic. He has come on really well in a relatively short period. She is of the belief that all behaviour is communication. Your DSD is still processing what happened at school, what happened with her Mum etc. Lots of things have happened in her very short life to give her a bit of trouble. Of course she will be struggling. Give her time, patience, lots of support and no pressure to heal faster than she is capable of. She can’t help according to anyone else’s time table. It is her healing process. Facilitate it.

Is she under CAHMS? I’d imagine there are lot of underlying issues with your DSS. It takes time and really it’s not a choice for her, it just happens

I’m pretty sure I understand select mutism more than anyone else. As I’m with a child daily who has it. Thank you to everyone who’s been kind and actually listened to me. Some times us mums just need a random to talk to😌. We’ve tried taking him to the meetings but he gets scared that their going to take her away. (He had a dream that a talking wolf stole her and kept her until he said sorry for weeing in the Dogs bed... we’re still not sure why he weed there but he did😂)

I can see it might be hard, but it is your job to explain to her brother that she does love him, and possibly with her therapist work out a way she can show she loves him without talking. draw him a picture, kiss goodnight, charades and dancing, building blocks, cuddles watching tv.... a professional might have better suggestions. Many children have siblings with disabilities without thinking they don't love them, you and your husband need to work hard on this I'm afraid.

Try and explain that sometimes people feel poorly and can’t talk, just like your hand :/ leg hurts when you get a boo-boo ( as my 2.5 year old calls them)

The more you try and get her to talk, even indirectly the more she will be unable to. If you ask her a question you need to do it in a way she can answer without talking. You need to explain to her brother the best you can that it isn't her fault, or his, and she will talk when she can. The best way of dealing with this is by pursuing help from the professionals and by letting her know you understand and accept that at the moment she is unable to talk directly to you. Putting any pressure on her to talk, even subtly will backfire.

To answer your question, yes I do think you are being selfish. But I can understand how incredibly hard your home life must be (for all of you).
You and your DH are doing your best for DSD. But I imagine it will take a lot of time, love and support.
Your DSD must be suffering immeasurably. A difficult relationship with her DM, the death of that DM, serious trouble at school. Poor mite. Thank goodness she has a stable home and family
Your DS must be confused. Can you seek help for him via your health visitor?
You are doing your best. No parent or step Parent gets it right all the time, or has all the answers. Your original post reads to me as though you resent the discomfort her behaviour is causing at home, and I can sympathise. But really, your poor little DSD can’t help her behaviour. I hope you and DH support each other emotionally while you help through this.

Good, you say you know about it, so why are you acting like you don't? You do sound very selfish in the OP and your answers IMO, and appear to have little insight into the condition and its effects on your daughter. Empathy is coming across as seriously lacking, and you may not realise this.

Do, please, work as a family to help her. You know it's not personal to you, and you know you can't "fix" this over night. The professionals she's seeing will be able to advise you on how to better support her and your son.

You may not be blaming her for everything that has happened, but you absolutely come across as if you are blaming her for the way she has responded to what she has been through. It sounds like her situation is an inconvenience to you and your child.

*You try comforting him when he’s crying when he asks if she doesn’t love him
You tell your son that his big sister finds talking really difficult and it is everyone else's job to support her to communicate in any way she can.

None of you (who are being unsupportive) understand how hard it is to come home and feel like your doing something wrong when you ask her what she wants for dinner and all she does is shrug.
You have to look beyond yourself. You are finding this hard? What do you think it is like for her?
It's not deliberate or manipulative, she sounds like a very traumatised little girl.

I’m pretty sure I understand select mutism more than anyone else.
It's very clear that you don't. You are making this about you and your son when it should be all about your step-daughter.
If you KNOW that she cannot answer you when you ask her what she wants for tea, then don't put her in a position that she obviously can't cope with. There are other ways of communicating that don't put direct pressure on people. Can she tick her preference if you write down her options? Can she point if you let her look at the options? Find what she can manage and build on that without making her feel like she isn't good enough and constantly failing.

It's very hard to comment/advise as you haven't said much about the situation and maybe it's just the way you post here, which is very abrupt and straight to the point, but you come across as totally lacking empathy for what that child has come through. You seem much more concerned about the impact on your child, who has the chance to have a totally normal life living with both his mum and dad, then her who has been through the worse possible trauma.

If your posts here is a true reflection of how you are with her, then it is highly likely that the reason why she isn't talking to you any more is because you are not showing much love towards her, so she is backing off.

If you are in reality much more caring than you are showing here, then who knows but what does her dad say? Surely you've discussed it with him?

I agree with the above you are coming across as prioritising your sons needs over hers.

She must have suffered a huge trauma and is not doing this deliberately

kayleigh if your still on this thread I can see why you would be getting frustrated.

What do her therapists say ??

There is no need for the pitch folks and torches on this thread! Nobody is a saint !!

You are making this about you and your son when it should be all about your step-daughter.

I am sorry OP but your posts scream this ^ at me.

She is a human being cosmic and allowed to have feeling, thoughts.. and be able to come to a place to discuss issues without being hammered.

It's getting an absolute joke on here with folk hiding behind screens and being nasty.

Why should it be all about the SD and not about the son? They are siblings and both children of the family , both are equally important.

This is a family problem that affects everyone.

If the OP was the child’s mother posting , would you have been more sympathetic ? Some of you seriously need to get a grip.

OP, it's bloody hard isn't it! My DS has mental illness and coming home to him and his illness is damn hard! I can see you're trying your best. You just need to keep reminding yourself it's not personal? Regarding your son, like others have said just keep telling him his step sister loves him. Keep up the good work and keep loving that little poppet exactly as you're already doing. 💐

Btw this IS about the OP as well as her family! If the OP buckles and goes down, the whole family does as well and this will affect everyone. Stop picking holes in the OP's posts trying to trip her up!

I think the selective mutism is a bit of a red herring here. Neice had this after a bad experience at school, and was still able to communicate non-verbally to the people she wanted to. Could it be that you and her are not close? Or could she be threatened or jealous that you pay more attention to younger brother than her? And so she monopolizes her dad’s time? Sibling jealousy is unfortunately common in blended families, with or without good reason for it. Strongly suggest you try to spend quality one on one time with her away from your son and dh, do stuff she enjoys, basically encourage her to trust you.

Good post Roo👍

Hello at what point have I said the OP is not human?
Where have I hammered the OP?

Maybe direct your post towards the ones that have hammered her and not me.

End of the day the OP can talk to her son and help him understand his sister does love him and that she has difficulty talking.

From the OPs posts it seems she wants DSD to talk just so her son wont be upset. That is the wrong mindset to have.

End of the day the OP can talk to her son and help him understand his sister does love him and that she has difficulty talking.From the OPs posts it seems she wants DSD to talk just so her son wont be upset. That is the wrong mindset to have

Well Cosmic, since you understand the issue so clearly , maybe you could help by explaining in words a 3 yo can understand why this girl won’t talk to her little brother or her SM but will talk to a cashier at a checkout ?

And why she won’t shake her head or nod or sign or write when the OP ask her if she wants fish fingers for dinner.

Because I find it hard to understand and I’m a grown adult, it seems like a complex and difficult issue to me. But then I don’t have your expertise on the subject.

And could you also explain why it’s wrong for a 3yo to feel the way he does ? And why being told his feelings are wrong will help this little boy? And why the OP is wrong to feel the way she does .

All I see here is an family who have suffered a lot of loss and are doing their best to care for everyone involved. And a woman who has stepped up to the plate and taken on her troubled step daughter full time ( unless of course this is one of the tiny minority of families where the father takes the major share of the parenting ).

So why don’t you offer some empathy and help to the op instead of criticising her.

Cosmic you agree that the OP is making out its all about her and her son didn't you?

I know that the second person is speaking is in this meme but it might help your ds understand that what your dsd needs is for him to be there and not take it personally that she’s not her usual self. (Not taking it personally is obviously very hard for a 3 year old but maybe a simple explanation about not being able to see mental health.

OP - this link here might have some helpful strategies, I know you're not 'new' to the family as such but I think some points will be relevant to most step-parents of SM children.

www.selectivemutism.org.uk/info-joining-a-family-where-there-is-an-sm-child/