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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How much time/interaction does your partner have with the stepkids

22 replies

BlueFlowerPot · 03/11/2017 19:11

So we are a blended family, I have one son, my partner has two. My son is with us full time, them two come for half week. My partner is fairly active when his kids come. He is much more lively around his kids, plays games with them , takes them swimming etc. When they leave, he kind of switches off the parenting role and is more to himself. He speaks to my son, standard short conversations - How was your day at school etc, but does not really interact with him. My son can obviously feel that and I think it's making him feel like he is not good enough or not worth the attention when they are gone. I care about all 3 boys just the same, I cook, wash and run around the house and pop the head into their room to have a quick chat, I don't really do activities with any of them so I am worried he will throw it into my face if I complain. How much time does your partner spend with your kids? Any insights and experience welcome:)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Adviceplease360 · 03/11/2017 19:15

Does ure son have contact with his own dad? How old is he? Sounds like your partner doesn't see him as his own. How long have you been altogether?

Original poster

BlueFlowerPot · 03/11/2017 19:31

Adviceplease360 my son is 11, his two are very similar age. We have been together for 5 years, my son's dad lives far abroad so my son calls him and sees him twice a year.

OP posts:

2014newme · 03/11/2017 19:34

You don't do activities with his, he does do activities with yours.
So that sounds equal.
Do you ever do anything as a group all together?

2014newme · 03/11/2017 19:34

Sorry that should have been he doesn't do activities with yours, so your equal in that neither does activities with the others kids

Adviceplease360 · 03/11/2017 19:37

If your son wasn't bothered by this I would agree with 2014, but as he is bothered I wouldn't want my child to ever feel he isn't worthy of someones attention especially a father figure who lives with them. Have you spoke to your partner, has he always been like this?

Original poster

BlueFlowerPot · 03/11/2017 19:47

2014newme I get that with the activities, but I am bothered about his kids in general and I am always bubbly around them and make myself interested. But he kind of switches off. It has been going on whole time for years, but I am stupid and I keep quiet and keep things in:/

OP posts:

newnamechange84 · 03/11/2017 19:54

My ex-dp was like this with my two DS who weren’t his. We went on a last chance weekend away and left our DD at home. Hence why he’s now an ex. My kids deserved better than that god the rest of their childhoods.

Original poster

BlueFlowerPot · 03/11/2017 22:31

newnamechange84 did you ever try to get it across to him? What was his response?

OP posts:

Aroundtheworldandback · 03/11/2017 22:43

I know exactly how you feel because my dh interacts differently with his own, making a much greater effort with them and basically caring about them more. He didn’t even realise he’s doing it.

Like your situation, my kids’ dad isn’t really in the picture (not interested), so I get so upset and am so sensitive to it. Has your son actually said anything to you? You need to give your dh specific examples of the disparity. If he’s anything like mine he’ll just deny it though..

Taylor22 · 03/11/2017 22:51

What activities do you strive to do with your son while your SC are away?

It seems like he puts in a lot of effort to make some time enjoyable.

DaisyRaine90 · 03/11/2017 22:54

More than me tbh 😂

LardLizard · 03/11/2017 23:00

Sounds like he just can’t be arswd to put the effort in with your ds but can be arsed with his own
Can’t reallt see this changing if you’ve been with him 5 years and your ds was only six when this step dad figure cane into his life

newnamechange84 · 03/11/2017 23:06

Blueflowerpot I tried loads of times but didn’t get anywhere. He was a bit younger than me though and hadn’t had his own kids before, we just had 1 year old dd together. He did do Lego and stuff with DS2 but him and DS1 didn’t see eye to eye at all despite DS1 only being 8 when we split 🙄 I found out after that he’d actually been quite mean to them both behind my back. Obviously I still see him as he sees dd twice a week but he can’t even be bothered to say hi to my ds’s. It makes me sick.

I think it’s easy for your DS to blend in more as he’s with you both all of the time. However if he’s doing absolutely nothing then you need to question how happy you all are.

MemeGirls · 04/11/2017 07:31

MNetters this thread shows the massive hypocrisy when it comes to Stepparents. SMs can never do right but so much less is expected of Stepdads.
If a SM posted on here that she makes so much more effort with her own children and does activities, plays with them and is generally wonderful when they’re around and then admitted that when they leave she has no interest in the SCs who live with them full time - she would be lynched. There would be cries of “you knew he had children when you got together” “his kids should come first” “all children should be treated equally, you’re not up to being a stepparent you should leave him to be happy” etc.
Honestly, it’s not ok for any child to feel like that but it is understandable how it happens. It is natural instinct to love/ like/ tolerate your own kids more than your SCs, no one expects you to feel the same about them as your biological child. BUT the kids should not be made to feel there is any difference by either parent.
That is where your partner is failing you both OP. People put so much emphasis on the non-resident kids being happy and being made to “feel welcome”... your child is just as important if not more so as he only has one parent. If you don’t stick up for him he has no one else to do it for him.
Speak to your partner urgently before it affects his childhood. You cannot be expected to care and love his children and not have it returned for your child’s benefit

DaisyRaine90 · 04/11/2017 09:30

I would expect nothing less than for DD (step kid) to be treated the same as DS (bio child)

They are our children

We are applying to the court for him to have parental responsibility (DDs bio Dad abusive and never been involved and does not have PR) therefore he will be just as much her parent as me

If he treated her badly for not being his it would be a deal breaker 💯

Original poster

BlueFlowerPot · 04/11/2017 10:43

Thanks everyone that helped a lot, MemeGirls very well spot on!

OP posts:

swingofthings · 04/11/2017 12:34

I totally disagree with your post Memegirls. The advice to SM who post about not liking their SC is almost always to disasangage because THEY don't have to look after their SC, cook, entertained them etc... yet when it's a SD, it's a case of how dare him not liking the company of their SC as much as their own children.

I see it the same for all SP. You can't expect them to love/like/care for their SC as they do their own, especially when they met them when they were older and therefore haven't build the same bond as you would with a younger child.

It is quite common, maybe because genes do play a role, that a parent has more affinity with their own children than others. If you don't share the same interests, alone that will impact on how much you enjoy interacting with them. You also naturally make more efforts as a parent to do things you wouldn't do otherwise because you feel more a responsibility to do so.

eyebrowsonfleek · 04/11/2017 19:17

You need to talk to your husband.
He might be more distant because he doesn’t want to step on your son’s parents’ toes or because he might feel guilty about having a laugh with your son and needs reassurance. It might be that he fakes being jolly when his kids visit because he fears that they won’t return and your son gets the more natural version of him.

Purpleforest · 05/11/2017 09:45

My DH is quite similar. It's partly a weekday/weekend thing with him where work and hobbies take priority in the week, and the weekend is family time. But his level of interaction with my DC in the week is pretty minimal. I've tried talking to him about it but it's not helped much tbh. He makes a bit of effort, but the DC don't always respond well, as they've come not to expect much and always look to me for things. Like you, I do a lot more for his DC -with us every weekend - than he does for mine.

But whenever I've spoken to my DC about it they seem genuinely unbothered. So I try to some extent to accept that all relationships are different and I can't force closeness on them. Encouraging an activity they can do together might help a bit? It's more concrete than just asking your OH to interact more as he maybe doesn't know really where to start. Or get OH to take and fetch DS from an activity or something

Original poster

BlueFlowerPot · 05/11/2017 19:00

So I managed to speak to my partner today. Actually, he started because he has something to complain about my son. I took that on board and then said I really feel he said long ago he will interact more and do stuff with my son on occasions and he does not and I don't find it fair. His response was, "If your son was not pissing me off so often I would do stuff with him but I don't want to". Now, his children are fairly phlegmatic, one leveled personalities, he is really lucky with them. My son is more up and down, has his little moods and worries about everybody and everything, can get quite negative. I know about that and I continuously try to work on it, but I can't change my son's personality from the roots. I just don't find it really fair how somebody can not spend the time with the child just because he pisses you off on occasions. Sometimes I wish one of his kids was a proper hard work, then he would see how that would make him feel. Ahh what a day

OP posts:

swingofthings · 05/11/2017 19:27

BlueFlowerPot, my DH feels the same about my boy. He cares for him in that I know if something happened to him, he would go and make sure he was ok, but he doesn't like him as a person at the moment. I think his reasons are unfair in that I think he is too focused on one negative aspect, but I do respect that you can't make someone like somebody. Similarly, I don't like his mum as a person. Should I be forced to do things with her on my own that I don't want to do because he loves her?

My OH and DS don't interact a lot, but are not in conflict either and for this, I am grateful. Saying that you wish his kids were hard work is pointless. Most parents love their kids unconditionally, that doesn't mean that others have to do too.

I think you need to accept the situation and hope it will get better in the future. I do think when my DS is over teenagehood and start becoming more communicative, they will get closer again, but in the meantime, I have to accept the situation.

lunar1 · 05/11/2017 21:35

I’m afraid that would be a deal breaker for me. It sounds like his feelings to your ds are long term not just a couple of incidents.

No way on earth would my children have to live with someone who didn’t like them.

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