What do you do ? Clash of parenting methods

[mumofeight]

I have five step kids and four of my own. The two youngest stepkids are supposed to be coming to stay with us over the summer holidays. I am faced with a bit of a dilemma and am hoping that others here might be able to share their wisdom and experiences !

I have very set views on childrearing/parenting. But I would never condemn anyone else for the way they raise their kids. Might not do it myself, but hey its their lives and their kids !!

However, I am now faced with some quite big issues. I am not a big fan of junk food, and try whenever possible to serve upp healthy-ish meals. I still do chips, pizzas, burgers etc, just not every night. I have raised my kids with the dictum of ' Eat what you are given, or go without' . and its worked fine for us. ( I do know though that it wouldn't work for everyone!) My kids get their share of the junk food, and the same dictum applies there too. Though usually its me that goes without !!

My stepkids on the other hand are extreemely fussy. They will eat Pizza, burgers, chciken nuggets and at a push sauages. If they are really hungry they 'might' eat potato waffles. We have had them for the last week for the Easter hols, but they have now returned home ( thats a whole other story !) but are due to come back to us in the summer hols. Mum works mornings and won't leave them on their own. ( They are 15 and 13)

The problem I have is that I am not wanting to cook junk food every day for 6-7 weeks. I ought to add at this point that I am on a low fat diet due to a medical condition, so if I cook chips for them, would have to cook a seperate meal for myself. If I cook chips etc for the SC then I would have to serve it to my own kids as well ( 16, 15, 3 and 1) or cook two meals. But if I did that then my kids would create and quite rightly point out that its unfair that there is one rule for them and one for the SC.

So what do I do ? Would you say that it is reasonable to expect the SC to live by your rules in your home ? Or would you bury all your principles and beliefs to accomodate their lifestyle ?

The only compromise I have come up with so far, is to say that my rules apply as far as you eat whats on your plate or go hungry, but alternate junk food one night with a healthier option the next. But tried that this week and it was a disaster. Night one we had pizza, night two we had spag bol, which dss refused to eat so ended up having to cook him a sepewrate meal ( pizza again. Night three I was ill so dp cooked them all egg and chips, night four I did baked potatos with a choice of fillings (tuna, cheese, coleslaw, beans) which they ate without comment. Next morning however dss shu himself upstairs playing on the xbox. Checked on him several times, he said he was fine, asked if he wanted a cup of tea, and got snapped at. Left him to it, as I would my own teenagers if they were in a stroppy mood, next thing I know all hell has broken loose, as he has rung his mum and both his older sisters saying he wanted to go home, he hated it here, and his dad was never here ( he works fulltime) and that I was not taking them anywhere ( we have nine kids between us, only dp works, we have not got a lot of spare money) We ended up driving them home ( 60 miles each way) and not getting back until gone 10pm , with two very knackered toddlers.

So what do I do ? if I insist on my rules, they will refuse to stay here, and then their mother will be on dp's case as she will have to take time off work to look after them, if I give in and go with their diet, it means 6-7 weeks of feeding my own kids junk. Or cooking two seperate meals and having an almighty row with my own kids as to why there is one set of rules for them and another for the SC. ( my older ones will argue obviously not the littlies !)

How do other families cope ? Doyou live by your rules or theirs ?

I should add here, that dp's ex has banned us from seeing the kids on regular occasions, so if she does let them come here for the summer its a huge bonus to dp. He loves them to bits and it breaks his heart when she stops him from seeing them. I love themn too, but they drive me potty !( then again so do my own kids so theres not much difference lol)

I think your DP has to lay down the rules before they next come and they should be a compromise between what they are used to and how you run your house.

this is an interesting thread, have just been pondering this very issue myself. For me it another thing that you must balence. I aim to keep the rules in this house consistent for the sake of my ds - this becomes very difficult when dh does not do the same.

YOUR house- YOUR rules!!! My daughter goes to her Dads at weekends and we have the opposite problem in that they serve up a load of crap!
She is 11 and sometimes likes it but is often pleased at being served a healthy meal on her return home. I don't agree with what her Dad serves up..but its his house and I would never ever say anything as I would not accept him telling me what to do in my house.

I agree with soupdragon and think that your DP has a large part to play in this situation...he needs to be laying the rules and supporting you.

If they don't like what you make, can't they make themselves some sandwiches? Surely at that age they can do something for themselves. My ds age 13 can manage soup and sandwiches?

Agree that this is still giving them the chance not to eat what the rest are eating, but at least it is getting you off the hook. Also agree that dp needs to lay down rules though.

However also think that at 13 and 15 they are Ok to be left on their own for mornings? In fact think it is ridiculous that 15 year old can't be left. If all his friends are near his home, it's not really suprising that he wanted to go home. Sorry have totally wandered off subject here, but do they need to come for whole of holidays?

I would be teaching the 15 yr old to cook a few basic meals at this stage, spag bol ect. 15 is old enough to learn to cook and it might stimulate a bit of interest in what he/she eats.
Your house your rules and your dp needs to inform his dc's.

Thankyou all for your thoughts and advice.

I totally agree re leaving them on their own, and was a bit gobsmacked to say the least when mother said that they could not be left alone !! But then wondered if maybe my own methods were perhaps a bit lax. My boys have been raised to cook, wash up, do their own washing and ironing, and have been left unattended for short periods of time since they were about 10/11 yrs old. I say they can cook etc but should hasten to add that most of the time I do all that stuff , but they have been shown how to do it all .. just in case as it were.

I was a single mum for best part of 10 years before I met dp. My major concern when I was on my own was what would happen to the boys if I was ill, so raised them to be independent as possible, that way if I was ill at least I knew that they could make themselves a hot meal, wash and iron their school clothes and not live in a total hovel !!

The DSC's have not had that kind of upbringing and seemed to me to be rather immature , but wanted to know what people who were totally uninvolved thought !!

Thanks , now I will not feel the least bit guilty imposing my rules on them, and will attempt to teach them some basic cooking skills next time we have them to stay

Thanks Mumsnetters xxxxx

I would never cook my SS separate meals, he gets what's put in front of him and that's it. I started this well before my DD was born and explained why to him and it's been OK, he's even learnt to eat and like a lot of different foods from what he'd been getting at home. I didn't have much support from DP in the beginning - until I put my foot down DP used to take him to McD's if I had cooked something "unsuitable". Used to piss me off big time. Now DP's seen that no one's died and his DS actually eats real food from time to time he backs me up all the way.

I would stand your ground, plus they're old enough to understand - my SS was only 9 when this was presented to him and managed to grasp the concept. As far as I'm concerned he can do what he likes at his Mum's, but in my house it's my rules. Ditto re bedtime, SS is allowed to stay up till all hours at his mum's but here he has to be in bed by a certain time full stop. This he knows and has no problem with. My DP think's I'm a bit of a Nazi about this but then if it was up to him he's have a 12 yr old playing computer games until 1am .