Sundays

[TwoDots]

Every other Sunday DP picks up DSD at 5pm. That’s not the only time he sees her btw, just the arrangement for pick up. They share 50/50

Lately the ex doesn’t always want him to pick up from her house. She wants pick up to be wherever she is that day, usually at the ex’s friends house or at the pub. She never asks “would it be ok if you picked up from....”, it’s usually more of a tell. For example yday it was a text saying please pick up from.....

Now DP is flexible. He would understand if it’s a special occasion or something was happening with family, or DSD was at a party etc but this usually surrounds ex’s Social life

DP is trying to get into a routine of having a catch up on these Sundays face to face to discuss various bits about DSD. Also he did agree to it once and it upset DSD who was playing outside and did t want to leave. He just doesnt think picking up from the pub or ex’s friends houses is right on a regular basis. He’s also fed up of the Saturday night or Sunday texts saying pick up from x,y,z instead. He’d prefer pick ups are consistent but ex is throwing a fit saying he’s unreasonable and it’s not in their dd best interests

What do you think? Are we being a bit too rigid?

Thank you northernspirit

It is so hard to put across a situation in here but this isn’t a considerate, easy ex . She controls, dictates, and is the biggest hypocrite I’ve ever met. There’s so much more to it

I’m sorry, I think being told to pick up from the pub at every pick up is unreasonable . Occasionally isn’t a problem, special events etc but a problem. The only one really rocking the boat is her I’m afraid. Can a man not live without being dictated to by the ex?

He’s not demanding!!! He’s asking can they stick to arrangements for the most part and he will be flexible when he can

And yes, the pub is often further away

Hang on, if she is pissed then he really needs to be worrying about that rather than change of pick up location. The change of location is of no consequence, even if it is several times a day because the time doesn’t change so if he always leaves at (example) 4:30 to collect DD then as long as he has a location by 4:30 then what difference does it make?

But being pissed in charge of the child? Why on earth isn’t he leaping about that? I’m struggling to understand his priorities here!

I don’t think the reasons for it being in the same place are strong enough to warrant getting angry or conflict. It’s not that much out of his way, there’s very few issues that need face to face weekly chats, and the kids I’m sure would rather no conflict.

And in the context of how many potentially horrible and awful issues can arise in separations, this is tiny.

He has not decided the 5pm thing. She has. He’s avoiding getting an earful l when he doesn’t pick up the phone the first time and just wants the opportunity to have a normal handover

She has to accept some responsibility too

OK. It makes more sense if she doesn't have everything the child needs. Not sure how you overcome that. I teach - we are used to children who live between 2 homes not always having what they should. It's not the end of the world. She's OK to have a drink or two, surely? Do they really need to discuss on a regular basis? I have 2 primary aged children and the only time I converse with my ex is about major issues - school choices, for example. If rows ensue, why bother? If it's not always happened, I would hazard a guess it's a phase and will shift and change over time.

Of course he’s worried. Worried about many things but he can’t dictate how she lives her life can he?

Their agreement is pick up from the house at 5pm. All he s asking is that she sorts out her priorities and stick to arrangements as best as they can.

For me having to always answer the phone would be a bigger issue. Or ever having to tolerate an earful. That’s not on.

Is him insisting on picking up at home a roundabout way of him ensuring she isn’t getting pissed at the pub? He really needs to tackle that head on. Don’t return the child to her if drunk. TBH. I wouldn’t be returning her right now if she is so pissed he can’t get any sense out of her. She isn’t fit to look after the child.

But being pissed in charge of the child? Why on earth isn’t he leaping about that?

Gosh, yes. How dare she have some kind of life. Together parents never drink too much at the pub or of an evening, do they?!

But why should she consider being at home at 5pm a priority?

ohreally

This isn’t the comment that implied it wa snore than just a drink “Being intoxicated regularly means he doesn’t get a lot of sense out of her.”

is the comment.

Same here TwoDots....

Extremely difficult EW. Did regulary stop contact when she felt like it - a stern talking to from a judge threatening to take the kids away from her and they live with dad full time has meant she’s a little better behaved. Not perfect but better than she was.

It is a control thing on the EW’s part - she thinks she can dictate. Does she share pick ups and drop offs? Could you put some ‘rules’ in place. I’m sure she would be the first to complain if she had to run around after you.

No one wants to be spoken to like that. But presumably there are bigger issues he could focus on. Move on op. Pick your battles.

But nocry if she is sending her child to be with the father, why should she worry about how much she drinks?

It's not ideal, I don't disagree. I just don't know it's any different to most couples at one time or another (or even regularly). Anyway, I'll bow out as I'm not being particularly helpful!

Ohreally

Ensuring she has her school bag, shoes, books etc when he picks up should be more of a priority than that extra glass of wine. Being so pissed she promises Dsd she will call her but then forgets should be a priority too

There’s lots to it. I think occasionally it’s fine but every pick up is ott

She has every other Sunday childfree to have her drinking time

I understand what everyone is saying I honestly do, it’s just a pain in the arse so regularly

But nocry if she is sending her child to be with the father, why should she worry about how much she drinks?

After the child goes? Drink yourself into oblivion. But if she is so bad when he is picking the child up that he can’t get any sense out of her then that (IMO) is irresponsible and I would be really worried if it was my child.

TBH, in his shoes I would insist on either an earlier Sunday pick up and drop off or else change pick up/drop off day to Monday.

She wants to get pissed on Sunday evenings. Either make it so she can and the child is safe with him or make it so she can’t because the child will be with her he whole evening.

She insists on this 5pm though. I don’t know why, but it’s her choice. It used to be 10am

God no its a pain in the arse and i would bet its a control thing on her part.

Pick ups should be from a pre arranged place not based on the exs social life.

Well she can insist all she wants. He can insist too. If he has DD he can either drop her off earlier or keep her til the next day. Keep doing it. She’ll get the message. I wouldn’t be dropping my child off with anyone who was drunk and I wouldn’t let them sit all afternoon with someone who was getting increasingly drunk if I could lift them earlier.

She doesn't sound considerate at all.

Why can't she just be at home at 5 o'clock ... and drinking while in charge of her DD isn't great.

I'm surprised by some of the response on here though.