Childless & blended family life

[Conflicted91]

Hi everyone...

I've found my self in a dating situation which is uncharted territory for myself..and it scares the hell out of me.

I was hoping I might be able to find some support of advice.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 months now... But we are currently under a lot of strain and stress.. mostly on my end.. because he is in fact a divorcee with full custody of his three children. (11, 8 & 6).

I'm 26, and accustomed to being young, free and single.

He's 33 and has already been there.. and done most it all.

Which is just a gut wrencher for me.

We've had an amazing few months, and we're damn near close to falling head over heels...

But I just don't know if I can afford to let that happen...I just don't know if I have what it takes to enter into a blended family.. most especially, when I come with no "baggage" of my own..

I have been, and am, enjoying the freedoms of not being a parent right now... But starting a family is definitely something I think I want with the "right man"... I've been holding out on commitment over the years, waiting for the "right one".

And I was really close to thinking that this one just might be that one...

But if that's the case... It means redefining and reshaping my image of a family picture.

Which was quite simply to meet guy (with no baggage" and to start our own family.

I didn't realise how important that image was to me, until I've recently been forced to take a good look at it...

But that image is really important to me.

I take the "milestones" in life very seriously, and to think that if I had a future with this guy... I would be experiencing the excitement of those first "milestones" alone.

To think about living in his martial home, and to think about maybe one day being his "second wife" , or bearer of his "fourth child".

When all ever really wanted was the right and "uncorrupted" package, for myself.

I'm so torn. Because I know he's a really great man, and his kids are probably great too... And why can't I just be one of those people where it's "the more the merrier'"?!

He was with the ex 10 years, married 2.
She had affairs and was an inadequate mother.

I just resent that she will always have such a huge place in his life, history and heart.

Something I can't even compete with... It's all very intimidating..

He'd bend of backwards to prove himself to me, but even he can't undo the sources of biggest insecurities.. and I fear that I will continue to feel so insecure.. as an outsider, second best, the outlier, imposter.

I suppose I'm here in one last attempt at grappling with those emotions, and to see if I can salvage a relationship with this kind and loyal man.

Coming a little late to this, but wanted to say to you OP that I was 26 when I got together with my OH (2 kids) too and I felt very similar.

I felt that any milestones or events in our life wouldn't be as special as he'd already 'been there and done that', he even has a boy AND a girl so no room to offer anything new in that department either.

Anyway, that did fade for me and I think if you did want to carry on with your OH and see how it goes, you'd probably find the same happens to you. As you start to build a life together, you'll see that your OH cares just as much about what you do together, and is just as excited as when it was the first time.

Can't speak for everyone of course and it is massively difficult to become a 'step-parent' in your 20s (or ever!) but it doesn't have to be the end of the road if you don't want it to be.

Language is important. It reveals a lot about what is happening in somebody's mind. You called his children baggage twice, and referred to him & his children collectively as corrupted.

Not everyone is cut out to be a step-parent. I'd respectfully suggest that you are one of those people who is not. If you enter into a step family with the insecurities you refer to, and a negative attitude towards his children and his past, there is a world of trouble brewing. Those children have to be the most important people in this picture, and they deserve somebody who will view them as the wonderful little people they undoubtedly are, and not as baggage. Please walk away sooner rather than later before they get too attached to you.

Do you really want to waste your life at your age with this guy??

I mean seriously. Take away the romanticism of it all and look at facts. He wont appreciate you also already kinda had his life, He doesn't really deserve round 2 tbh. Men are easy to come by. we hold this power. If I was you id get rid for the minimal pain instead of a life of drudgery BM drama and always being second.

I wonder if all these women posting here about how they became stepmum to 3/4 at 20, would want their daughters to follow their example...probably not. If you were my friend or family member I would advise you to run OP - you need to enjoy your life, not spend it shackled as a substitute mum to a much older man who doesn’t even appreciate you enough to understand your point of view.

"Your young with no children, you'd be a nanny. Your dp wouldn't expect it at first but the more serious you'll get the more you'll slip into that role."

This is spot on. My DH very rarely explicitly asked me to help with his DC but at first you volunteer to help out because you're keen to show him and his children that you accept them, then as time goes on you've accidentally stepped into doing loads of child related stuff because you don't want to step back and be perceived as unsupportive or look like you don't care for the children as much as you used to. My DH is the love of my life but being brutal if I'd had any idea what I was getting myself into (I thought I knew!) I wouldn't have gone there.

You’re 26, no kids. He’s older with 3 kids. Incompatible. You will always be compromising what you want in this relationship. Walk away and find someone to experience all the firsts with you. He has too much baggage, and three kids that age are going to be heaps of work for a long time to come. I can’t see how this relationship can be good for you, for him yes but not you.

Hi, exactly the same boat as you and at same age and still here nearly three years later. It can work but it's so so hard and like others have said a thankless task. If I'm honest I wouldn't do it over again. I love my boyfriend but it's a very hard position to be in, plus you have people who feel they can say whatever they like to you with no regard for the fact that you too are in fact a human being with feelings. If you feel you'll love him, go for it but brace yourself, here to talk if needs be xx

OP, i have a daughter of my own who i adore and if i didnt have her i would not be dating a man with children.

He may be lovely but theres lots of people who are just as lovely but come without all the baggage. 3 kids - full time is baggage (as awful as it sounds)
You will never come first, never have a first with him , the amount you have to give up is endless and just not worth it in my opinion.

Please walk away for your own sake. I was you, child free and fell for a man with two kids. It’s the worst decision I ever made. Step parenting is absolute hell, there is nothing good about it.

Walk away. I'm 10 years older than you and a step-parent to 3 children (no biological children) and whilst I care for the and do love them. It is a thankless and difficult task.
Quite rightly the children come first and at times that can be hard to swallow. Yes you may love him but it isn't just him and once you are a significant adult in their lives then your life is no longer your own. If you feel ready for that then great but it really isn't easy. Plus you'll always have the other parent to deal with and all of their past.

Hi, I was exactly the same as you although I was 28. I met my partner he was 34 with a son 11 daughter 8 and son 7.
When we started getting seriously I voiced my concerns and was honestly that I'm not used to kids (only child) and will have times where I struggle and ultimately I will need to make allowances and commitments but I needed him to commit to couple time also away from kids so we jiggled the current schedule to allow for that and I must say weve been together 5 years with a 15month old and couldnt be happier. it can work! Do not listen to people saying walk away... you have every right to feel nervous and there will come times where the kids frustrate you.key is balance :)

Ahh just remembered your partner has kids full time.. do they visit there mum weekends or anything? Full time is hard if you get no break for you both alone....

Honestly if I was young, free and "single" I would not put myself in such a complicated situation.

As it is I am in a blended family as we both have kids and have one on the way and it's hard work at times. If I had no kids of my own, it's not even something I would entertain.

Just realised this is a zombie thread