Childless & blended family life

[Conflicted91]

Hi everyone...

I've found my self in a dating situation which is uncharted territory for myself..and it scares the hell out of me.

I was hoping I might be able to find some support of advice.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 months now... But we are currently under a lot of strain and stress.. mostly on my end.. because he is in fact a divorcee with full custody of his three children. (11, 8 & 6).

I'm 26, and accustomed to being young, free and single.

He's 33 and has already been there.. and done most it all.

Which is just a gut wrencher for me.

We've had an amazing few months, and we're damn near close to falling head over heels...

But I just don't know if I can afford to let that happen...I just don't know if I have what it takes to enter into a blended family.. most especially, when I come with no "baggage" of my own..

I have been, and am, enjoying the freedoms of not being a parent right now... But starting a family is definitely something I think I want with the "right man"... I've been holding out on commitment over the years, waiting for the "right one".

And I was really close to thinking that this one just might be that one...

But if that's the case... It means redefining and reshaping my image of a family picture.

Which was quite simply to meet guy (with no baggage" and to start our own family.

I didn't realise how important that image was to me, until I've recently been forced to take a good look at it...

But that image is really important to me.

I take the "milestones" in life very seriously, and to think that if I had a future with this guy... I would be experiencing the excitement of those first "milestones" alone.

To think about living in his martial home, and to think about maybe one day being his "second wife" , or bearer of his "fourth child".

When all ever really wanted was the right and "uncorrupted" package, for myself.

I'm so torn. Because I know he's a really great man, and his kids are probably great too... And why can't I just be one of those people where it's "the more the merrier'"?!

He was with the ex 10 years, married 2.
She had affairs and was an inadequate mother.

I just resent that she will always have such a huge place in his life, history and heart.

Something I can't even compete with... It's all very intimidating..

He'd bend of backwards to prove himself to me, but even he can't undo the sources of biggest insecurities.. and I fear that I will continue to feel so insecure.. as an outsider, second best, the outlier, imposter.

I suppose I'm here in one last attempt at grappling with those emotions, and to see if I can salvage a relationship with this kind and loyal man.

Right from the start you must have known about his children, then was the time to make the decision that you did not want to get involved with a man with 3 children in tow.

I'm also thinking that this isn't right for you. I wouldn't want to move into the marital home and basically slot right in to the space left by his exw. All the 'giving up' of things will come from you - you will relocate, live in his house, co parent his children.
They have clearly been through a lot and as a good dad he will probably be reluctant to ask them to give up their home and live in a new house with a new step mum. Which means that what you want and need will always be second to what his children need. That is as it should be but is a rough deal for you!
I think that you are too young to suddenly find yourself a step mother to 3 children, especially if their own mum isn't actively parenting them - a lot of this will then fall to you. And it's hard to fall in love with the kids when you have no legal rights to ever see them again if you and your dp ever separated. All the risk is yours.

Sharing life's 'firsts' is clearly a big deal for you. Already you are sad and resentful that he has done it already with someone else. You deserve a chance to have those life experiences with someone in the same position as you. His children also deserve not to be something their step mum resents, so perhaps your dp would also be better off meeting someone who is in a similar position to him.

Walk away. Run away. Gallop away!

I love my DH dearly but if I could go back, I wouldn't get in a relationship with someone who has a child. It's not worth it.

Don’t do it.

In my fledgling experience, there are many skills/superpowers a SM needs to be happy in the role. One of them is the ability to accept that you won't get to experience a lot of important 'firsts' with your DP, and to be truly at peace with the continuing presence of the person who did.

That on its own makes me think this isn't for you.

Walk away.

You'll never get a truly picture perfect life - nobody ever does - but there's nothing wrong about wanting a partner with whom you can share the firsts together.

And frankly, a stepmother to three at 26- hell no.

You could continue with this relationship, and ten years from now you'll be posting on these boards saying don't do it to people starting down the same road

Hmm, thank you everybody.

I suppose the logical path is clear...

Yes, 5 months but I've not met the kids yet.
He wanted me to, but I held back.

We met online on a forum. We are both very similar in many ways, have the same interests and hobbies, a decent mental connection, and a great love life. (I'm an introvert, I don't party often anymore). We spend a few nights together, every couple of weeks.. we've been in some amazing dates.. Exploring beaches &, forrests & activities, basically being grown up kids together . _

He's been seperated coming up to three years.

And no, I'm not inferring that the Mom was inadequate because of the affairs, I have been told that she was inadequate due to "bipolar" episodes and a ketamine habit. (He played a long strategic game to obtain residency)

So, yea.

She has since been working things out, and has the kids two nights a week.

He's a good dad, and of course wants what's best for them, including maintainiing a relationship with their mother.

He said he'd be open to us having children in the future.. He's promised me everything I want that he could possibly give.. but I know more kids were probably never part of his plan, and I know he would probably just go down all those roads out of some obligation.. and I don't want to just be some obligation.

I wanted to see if this ego barrier could be destroyed..

But I don't think I'm making much progress.

I would walk away from someone who 'played a long strategic game' to obtain residency, rather than working with appropriate support services and the other parent in the best interests of the children (which may have been residency with dad, but not as part of a 'strategic game'). You know he could play a 'strategic game' against you one day, if you have any issues arise.

My response when he first told me that was the same.. hmm.

I love my partner but I think I’m only willing to date a man with kids because I have my own also and don’t want any more children.
If I didn’t have kids then no way in hell would I put myself through the stress, heartache and all the crap of being in a “blended family”.
Don’t do it. Run away. It doesn’t get any easier, it gets harder because you love your DP but may only tolerate- moderately like his kids.
Kids are assholes at times but when they’re yours you get on with it and love them anyway. Dealing with someone else’s is horrendous.
Run away as fast as your young, free little legs can go

So there would be 15 yrs between you and the eldest child...I don't know there are so many obstacles here,the age gap,distance,kids must always come first...you will always come second...the money you earn will be paying for those kids in yrs to come..you may find there isn't enough money for you to have your own kids with him.most people stop at 2 or 3 kids...I bet he dosnt want any more ,or he will say in time,and that time will just never be right,because his kids will always come first..my friend has moved in with a nan who has 4 kids to her one...she's now a SAHM,when she did have a very good job🙄...but she's needed at home,us women always do put others first and ourselves last....honestly,my advice is walk away ,and enjoy your life.you and he are at different life stages

Man not nan

Too much baggage.

No way would I take on a man with 3 kids at 26 ... it's madness IMO ... and thst long strsyegic game.... you could be at the end of it one day.

You only have his side of the story of what went on with her and him wanting you to meet his children after such a short thing isn't a good sign.

Tbh I wish more people would be up front about not really wanting to be involved with someone with children.

Not everyone is cut out to be a step parent and that's ok. Even now that I have my own child I wouldn't get involved with someone who had kids, at 26 you couldn't have paid me to take on someone else's three children. Walk away now though before you meet the kids. The distance and the fact he's a full time parent make the logistics harder anyway so making a relationship work would come with issues as it is.

as for this: "You only have his side of the story of what went on with her and him wanting you to meet his children after such a short thing isn't a good sign." we don't question why a woman has split from her partner do we? Even though there is also undoubtedly more to the story.

Equally, I don't see posters advising women to work with the authorities to gain help for their drug addict ex's, the advice is usually to get the kids as far away as possible and let the courts deal if necessary.

If the mother had been an inadequate parent, then social services would have supported residence with the father, as would have the courts - no need for a long strategic game. They would also have advised the involvement of appropriate support services and maintenance of a relationship with both parents. It is not about strategic games, it is about the best interests of the child.

It is the language being used, I mean, I am not commenting on the outcome, as I cannot as I am not involved.

I would walk away. For one thing I think he'd be better off with someone his own age (funny how rarely go for someone 10 years older) who has some experience of parenting. Taking on the mother's role with three children who've had a difficult time with their mum would be really hard to do.

And yes, it's fantastic to experience those firsts in your own life at the same time as your partner. It's so exciting for both of you then. I would look to meeting someone more or less your own age who's at the same stage in life and who you can experience all those wonderful things with at the same time as you.

Well, I can't say that age is really an issue, I've always dated older.

All the guys my age are down the pub or selling drugs, mostly.

This guy's a dad, and works full-time, taking advantage of child care.

Sigh.

Definitely do not base a future with this guy.

Even if he was George Clooney.

Find someone without baggage. Being a step mum is hell.

Conflicted please listen to us. I wish someone hard warned me. It is hell like no other and why anyone would choose to do it is beyond me.
Don’t saddle yourself with the unnecessary stress

I was your age and childless when I got together with older DP who had a son. It was pretty tough adjusting to having DSS every other weekend - and that was with a really nice boy, great relationship with friendly, easy-going ex. The difficulty for me was just that I hadn't been around children much, and I was used to the rationality of adults and the freedom of a child free life. So it was tough to adjust to - but I did, and now I wouldn't be without DSS.

However, you have a really different kettle of fish in that there are three children and your DP has them full time AND there are problems with the ex. I honestly would consider walking away because the likelihood is it will be very very hard for you. You also have the conundrum of when/whether to meet the kids: maybe if you started to spend more time with them it would help sort out your feelings a bit one way or the other but then you have to treat kids with a bit more reverence than a "suck it and see" option...it's tricky getting this right.

Honestly, don't waste your time.

I was in a similar situation with my ex - I was the same age as you, and he had three young DC. It was bloody hard. You will never be his top priority. Those kids will always (rightly so) come first and though you're in the honeymoon period now, it won't stay like that.

He's not even divorced and he wants you to meet his kids. If you are determined to stay with him, don't meet his children until he's divorced from their mother. My ex was still married and it caused SO many problems. We split up eighteen months ago and he's STILL not divorced, over 7 years after they first split.

You're young and you have your life ahead of you. Don't feel like you have to take on someone else's kids at 26. It's not easy.

I'd run a fucking mile.

I was 24 and I took on 2 step kids with an ex in the background. Lot of baggage and I wish that I listened to people who told me don't get involved with him.
I fell in love and wanted a boyfriend, thought I wouldn't find anyone.

Your completely right, you will be going through all the excitement of the milestones alone, He's been there done it 3 times. Your child will never get the full attention off him and his finances will be strained by his other 3. Your young with no children, you'd be a nanny. Your dp wouldn't expect it at first but the more serious you'll get the more you'll slip into that role. Then it's harder to leave.

I left him my ex. Met someone 3 months later and now we're expecting our first child together. No anxiety, no worrying about how the ex will act, no worrying about if the baby gets the big or small room, pure bliss

Don't look back

@sweetbitter "I was your age and childless when I got together with older DP who had a son. It was pretty tough adjusting to having DSS every other weekend - and that was with a really nice boy, great relationship with friendly, easy-going ex. The difficulty for me was just that I hadn't been around children much, and I was used to the rationality of adults and the freedom of a child free life. So it was tough to adjust to - but I did, and now I wouldn't be without DSS."

Are you and husband still together? I am currently going through this with my husband.. I am 28 he is 26 and I have a 5 year old from a previous relationship. Dating we talked extensively about him entering her life then when we progressed to living with on anothe rand marriage we talked again if he was truly ready for the responsibility and ocmmitment of family life being young and childless he assured me he was. Now he has regrets about everything. IDK what to do. We are going to counseling but im just afraid i'll be wasting my time for him to leave regardless. I rather him leave now then put it off and string me along but aside form the kid our married life is great. Any advice?

Hey OP,

What was the outcome did you go for it?

I was a stepmum at 20 it was hard at first but i knew I had met the man i wanted to be with and with him came his DC (only one boy) almost 12 years later my stepson is an amazing fantastic 14 year old who i adore (most of the time 😂) i have zero regrets but can imagine 3 step children would be hard especially as they are a little older to or it could all just work out perfect

Either way i hope whatever you decided you are happy