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Step-parenting

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Original poster

sick of the ex refering to me as that bitch

47 replies

Trafficjammadness · 24/10/2017 15:14

not really sure why I am posting, just feeling really shit today.

My dhs ex, refuses to use my name, she refers to me as "that bitch" to dh (who has constantly asked her not to) and more upsettingly to the dsc. They are not allowed to bring home anything I buy them, she even refused to look at their holiday pictures of Disney world because I was in some of them.

She won't speak to me at all and will completely ignore me or give me filthy looks from across the room, this is now rare as I don't really like attending things that she will be at.

She refers to me as that bitch with his family, who never pull her up on it, apparently it's funny and she doesn't mean anything by it. I have a long a problematic history with his family , which has mostly centred on the fact they don't agree with him marrying me, or us having a child together, who is now 3. He should have apparently stayed in a relationship and not married me, as he did not marry his ex and therefore it is inappropriate to marry someone who (at that time he did not have a child with) He then should not have had a further dc with me as it is unfair on his older two, how love their little sibling and who we all have a good relationship with.

I don't know where to go from here, I don't want to argue but it is really pissing me off, its so rude and disrespectful, I have never done anything mean or spiteful to her. DH has always dealt with drop offs pick ups, I don't get involved.

We have a family event coming up that my sil has invited her too and I don't want to go but dh is upset as he says I am family and need to be there and I would be if ex wasn't.

Just to say that had been separated for 4.5 years before I met him, they split up due to it not working, there was no ow or anything. She is remarried now also.

Any advice, I know I should ignore but it's easier said than done

OP posts:

Auburn2001 · 24/10/2017 16:11

Your DH wants you to go to prove a point.
The ex thinks she has won.
Who is the battle being fought over? The brother and sister in law? She’s welcome to them, yes? They sound awful.

BewareOfDragons · 24/10/2017 16:12

I'd be tempted to get a tshirt made up with 'The Bitch' printed on it in sparkly sequins and wearing it every time I went to an event where the Ex was going to be. Then own it. Cheerfully. It should knock the wind out of her sails.

Alternatively, I think you have a good case for going NC with his family if they won't require civil behaviour at family events. Your DH backs you up and doesn't attend either if it isn't required. End of.

Nandoshoes · 24/10/2017 16:15

Why did she complain about you drinking alcohol ? Was you pregnant

Are his family English?

BenLui · 24/10/2017 16:22

There are two approaches:

None of you go. Invite the visiting family to yours the next day.

Go and smile at her every time she’s rude. Be scrupulously polite, lovely and cheerful to everyone. The visiting family will think her behaviour is dreadful and hopefully that will highlight it to your SIL and BIL. At very least it will show the ex that she can’t hurt you and that you aren’t going anywhere. Side benefit is that it will drive her up the wall.

Option two does depend on your acting skills and temper though.

40andFat · 24/10/2017 16:36

How could any of you cope with being nice to her. I just couldn’t I would make it clear to my DH and SIL/BIL that they sort it out between them or you won’t be responsible for what you do.
I mean your child is 3 but what when their older I couldn’t let them hear someone refer to me as a bitch.
I would hit the roof and possibly her.
She has no reason for this it’s just spiteful and mean.

Bluelonerose · 24/10/2017 16:41

Wow your tolerant your dh needs to tell his family to support you.
Agree with pp get the bitch in sparkling letters on a top and just own it.

Leeds2 · 24/10/2017 16:47

I wouldn't go to the party. No matter what impression that gives. I would actually expect my DH to stay home with me too, and I wouldn't be expecting him to take my DC even if he decided to go by himself. Your DC should not be expected to put up with their mother being called a bitch.

Could DH not arrange to see the overseas relatives separately? And how will he avoid seeing ex's new DH at the party, unless he is staying away too?

FreakinScaryCaaw · 24/10/2017 16:50

Weird the dhs haven't met

Doesn't her dh go to events?

Lottie509 · 24/10/2017 16:55

I dont actually get how you cope with this, Do you let on to your partner how much this upsets you?

youarenotkiddingme · 24/10/2017 16:55

40 maybe onto something! But I'd call her 'the jealous twat!'
Then when asked why you can legitimately say that the only reason she can be calling her XP wife a bitch when she's remarried herself is she's jealous of her.

My ds had a similar incident. A lad at school (one of those even yr 11 were aware of because of his demeanour iyswim?) started calling him a name of a local waste company. He wouldn't stop and I so I advised ds ways to deal with it.
Anyway for some reason ds decided to start doing it back. He called him after a sweet (one of ds favourites ). The waste company have ds initials and the sweet starts with same letter of other lads name.
A few weeks ago at a club they both attend the mum approached me and asked me to have a word with my ds about it.
I admit I didn't mince my words during my response.
I suggested if her boy didn't want to be treated in a certain way he had a long hard look at how he treated others and that he and her accepted people treat you how you treat them. I also pointed out I knew her DS had made fun of mine for his disability a few weeks weeks previously and the fact this kind of behaviour is illegal for a reason. I told her to go to school if she had an issue with school stuff.
I obviously had a quiet word with ds afterwards and he did stop. The other boy didn't. Not long afterwards ds lost his temper with him and asked if he wanted to be called instead?!
Teacher overheard and asked what issue was. Boy ended up in a lot of trouble with school!

schoolgaterebel · 24/10/2017 17:01

I wouldn’t have my DC at an event where I was before by referred the as ‘that bitch’ and everyone accepted it as normal.

You should not go
Your children should not go
Your DH should not go

Arrange to see DH overseas family on your own on another day. Do not see socialise with this woman.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 24/10/2017 17:05

Is there anything you don't know? I am not so daft as to refer to my ex's partner in those terms but I do think it. My ex doesn't pay maintenance )self employed high earner) so I naturally have a poor opinion of her as a mother herself. However, it is possible she doesn't know. Obviously you won't know what you don't know but it is worth exploring, perhaps? Or just ask her in front of people - it may embarrass her enough to shut her up?

Magda72 · 24/10/2017 17:07

Omg OP! Your dh's family sound awful & while I can understand he doesn't want to lose them he needs to make a stand. NONE of you should go to this event - not you, your dh, your dc or your dsc. leave his ex & his family to it for the day & tell dh to politely but firmly tell his family that none of you will attend anything further until his WIFE is treated with some respect! I would also suggest that he tell his ex he will have no further verbal contact with her until such time as she starts to refer to you by NAME!
Your poor thing - what a horrendous way to be treated!

Original poster

Trafficjammadness · 24/10/2017 17:30

He pays maintenance at the calculated rate, plus he pays half of all school activities etc. Half of biryhday parties, school uniforms etc. He gives them both weekly pocket money also.

Her husband hasn't been at the joint family functions, don't know if he's coming to this one. His siblings have met her dh on different occasions just not dh.

Ideally i would love to have the guts to go and confront her but I don't want to ruin a family occasion and i have had some right arguments with my sil over various things.

No I wasn't pregnant at hen Ds was already born, she was just a sour faced cow.

I will speak to dh about not going and meeting his family from abroad the next day

OP posts:

RockyBayEve · 24/10/2017 18:30

You need to say no to your husband ie make it crystal clear if she's there you as a family are not going including your husband!

No need to explain to his bloody family they can work it out for themselves.

Trying to explain, appease, get them on board, forget it.........
just ignore and don't play their game.
They are as bad as the ex by enabling her shitty behavior.

Cakebaby123 · 24/10/2017 18:40

Totally totally feel your pain. My DILs have a close relationship with DHs ex. They had no children and weren't married but yet there she is. Always there. She spent the first two Years of our relationship spreading doo doo and desperately trying to split us up yet the sun shines out her massive a**e. DHs nieces even call her 'Auntie' and have recently stopped acknowledging my birthday.
Nothing I can do about it, ill never be 'her'.
I have two DC with DH and have been with him for 7 years. It'll always be this way I'm afraid.
Can't offer advice but heres a hand hold

Goosegrass · 24/10/2017 20:38

HE should be refusing to go. And to see any of them tbh.

ExWifeCalling · 24/10/2017 21:00

Where has this come from do you know?

I am in the opposite position in that I am an ex and my ex's new partner pretty much sees me that way. And part of that is because of the type of person she is (and tbh in my situation the opinion is mutual,) however part of the reason why she thinks so badly of me is because my ex has gaslighted her into believing that I've been slagging her off to him behind her back.

It makes very little sense that the family would permit this kind of use of language in front of them and also that she would have this view after having been split from her h for ten years and having her own partner. I'd be wanting to know what her thought process is on this tbh and whether there's been any kind of influence from e.g. Your dh. My ex has been less than complimentary to me about his dp in the past, she's an incredibly difficult woman tbh but he's also led her to believe that people are against her, he did the same with me when we were together.

So although I am fully aware that some of her opinions are of her own thought processes, I am also aware that he's had somewhat of a hand in achieving what he wants her to think so as to keep us apart.

Biglettuce · 24/10/2017 21:19

She refers to me as that bitch with his family, who never pull her up on it, apparently it's funny
Wow! What a disgusting family. So your 3 year old is going to grow up with granny allowing her mother to be called that bitch?

Remain dignified but I’d have a word about name calling at the next public event. Say out loud how crap and disgusting name calling is. So your kids can hear and see.

Lottie509 · 24/10/2017 21:25

I cant help but agree with the posters who think that your dh shouldnt bother going either.
Whats the point in attending these 'family' events just to show them that you are strong. They are against you, They prove that time and time again,
Some people abuse the word family thinking they can do what they like because that person will always be there.
I cant help but think through your responses that you really dont have alot of fight left. Its so wrong the way they have treated you and the way his ex is continuing to and being allowed to get away with it especially in front of the kids.
Your dh should put a stop to it.
If they cant respect you then theres no relationship left. If the ex cant be civil then theres no communication at all apart from email or text which would strictly only involve talking about contact with the kids.
If the family want her at family events dont go and dont let your child go.
If he looses them they dont sound like a big loss really do they look how horrid they are.

I just wonder if you keep going with this where is it going to stop, How much more crap do they have to throw at you before dh decides enough is enough and walks away.

HeebieJeebies456 · 26/10/2017 02:15

Ideally i would love to have the guts to go and confront her but I don't want to ruin a family occasion and i have had some right arguments with my sil over various things.

It would only be ruined if they started making digs.......you could politely assert yourself in front of the rest of the family.
That way everyone else will be able to see for themselves what utter knobheads sil and ex are.

Maybe you standing your ground, refusing to be bullied and giving them some home truths will push your husband into being more proactive about this?

Nobody else - not even your husband - care about your feelings in all this, so why be a doormat and keep putting them first?

FizzyGreenWater · 26/10/2017 14:20

What contact arrangement does your DH have for his DC?

Because if his ex is emotionally abusing her children and sliding into parental alienation territory by verbally abusing you to them, then perhaps it's time for a solicitor's letter advising her that he will seek more contact in order to dilute her influence. And maybe residency if he keeps seeing evidence that she is causing them distress and harm.

If he doesn't already have it, there's no reason he wouldn't get 50/50.

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