Access at Christmas and new years

[Louw12345]

What arragements do you have around Christmas and new years

With your family and step children?

Do you have alternative Christmas day and new years eves?

Marvellous..... there’s still 2 months to NYE so try as the EW may ignore your OH she can’t not answer for 2 months....

I think the fairest deal is alternating Christmas and NYE. My OH has this drawn up in a contact order.

His EW also used to play that game (not responding). The nail in the coffin was when my OH asked if he could see the children for an hour on their birthdays. No response to no the requests. Finally he got ‘Don’t bitter me with such things, the answer is no’.

It’s all a control tactic. When they went to court for yet another breach of the contact order the no response to communication was brought up. It’s now written into the contact order by the judge that she has 3 days to respond to requests (via email). If she doesn’t respond then the request is granted.

Maybe think about agreeing response times?

No, she definitely put a stop to it. It was arranged as every other year that we would spend it together with his family and he was happy with it, until he announced that she wasn't happy with this arrangement. I understood that it would have been awkward for her (and would have been for me though, but was prepared to make the effort), so suggested that my ex came to his family so that we could both see our kids open our presents and I would have then left so she could have come for dinner, but again, she wasn't prepared to compromise and insisted that ex spent Christmas with her family for the whole day and that our kids had to go to her family rather than his.

So yes, I do think she was unreasonable then that she expected everyone to go with what suited her and no-one else, but thankfully it's all in the past now.

Swingofthings..... as painful as it was that set up couldn’t continue. No wife / partner / GF would be happy with that set up. How would you feel if the shoe was in the other foot and your husband, partner spent a nice cosy Christmas Day with his WW. I’m not surprised she put a stop to it. Your EH should of stopped it.

I’m pretty easy going, not jeleous and trust my OH implicitly but I wouldn’t be happy with that Christmas set up. Plus it confuses the kids.

Unfortunately families do split up and things move on.

I don't know, as a "new partner" I definitely wouldn't want to be beholden to doing Christmas that way every year, but wouldn't mind doing it alternate years if that was DP/DSS's preference. I don't think it's necessarily confusing for the children .

This is a huge thing with my step children. The agreement was alternate Christmas’s but his ex-w said no as she cried herself to sleep when the children weren’t with her. Fine, so we have them from Boxing Day to New Year’s Day then they go home for school etc.

Now DH and I have 2 children and would like to see the other 2 on Christmas Day but they won’t upset their mum so we still don’t see them...the other 2 really want to see their siblings on Christmas Day but she still won’t budge and tells the other 2 that she’ll cry if they leave her (she has a DP)

Drives me mad and even after 12 years she’s still manipulating the older 2.

ILoveKermit that’s awful my DH ex is bad but she’s bound by court to bring DSS as per order over Xmas.
My DH still cries from time to time when he misses his kids when they’re with their mother but never tells the kids that! what amazes me is that the pain one parent feels when the kids not with them, have they not the emotional capacity to realise the other parent feels exactly the same when they haven’t got the kids either! Have you got a court order?

*DSC that meant to say

Dp used to be allowed to have his DD from 4pm on Christmas Day to about 9pm. That was it.

He wasn't allowed Christmas Eve (as it's a special day and needed to be spent with her mum and same with Christmas Day). Once they had had their meal, DP was allowed to go and get her for a few hours. This meant that we had to make sure we had finished eating but also hold off on present opening until tea time to ensure DSD was there.

Boxing day he also wasn't allowed her as this was a family day. This was when all the exes family came down.

He got her from 29th Dec until 2nd Jan so that ex could go away with her dp and their friends over New Year.

He only got her on her birthday once (and that was because we actually booked to go somewhere so his ex couldn't back out) and rarely saw her on his birthday either.

When my ex was being slightly reasonable (many moons ago) he had them for Christmas day (he would get them at 10am) and keep them for a few days. I don't think it's fair that only one parent gets to see the dc at Christmas.

mycatsaPirate exactly. Yes it hurts both parents to be without their child but that’s the point it’s painful for both. Neither parent is superior and children deserve to experience these things with both their parents whether it’s splitting the day or alternating each year. The children would spend the time with both parents before separation/divorce so why should this change for the kids just because their mum and dad no longer love each other?

marvellouscreations absolutely spot on- it certainly doesn't occur to my DP's ex.

They are in the process of going to court at the moment to get regular contact sorted, and one of the things that needs to get resolved is Christmas etc. She says she should get every Christmas with the children as 'Christmas doesn't mean as much' to his family as it does to hers. His barrister said he's never seen Christmas awarded to just one parent in his entire career.

There is a lot of chat on these forums about being 'threatened' with court- but this is exactly what court should be there to resolve. If you can't agree and stick to your agreements, it needs to be done properly.

I think it is hugely revealing who is being selfish and manipulative - whichever parent is using emotional blackmail or ‘I can’t bear not to have the children’ or ‘that awful step mum has made my Ex not want to cosy with me as number one’ for Christmas Day. The ones who are not playing fair.

Which is clearly to have alternate Christmasses and actually have good will when it’s not your turn!

The stories on here about mums controlling and deciding unilaterally that they should have Christmas Day with the kids (because I couldn’t bear to be without the children) are appalling. Do dads feelings not come into it, do dads not feel the same?

Children have two parents and the father has just as much right to spend Christmas Day with the kids as per the mother. As for the ‘crying herself to sleep’ that’s emotional blackmail and quite disgusting. Boardering on parental alienation.

My OH’s EW had to be taken to court to see the children (she said if he dared to leave her then he wouldn’t see the children again). Disgusting behaviour. They now have a formal contact order. She’s tried to pull the ‘the kids don’t want to spend Christmas Day with you’.... or ‘they want to wake up with me’.... but it doesn’t wash. The children alternate Christmas Day and new year and the kids love having 2 special days.

A judge would award alternative days - it’s only fair.

Totally agree northern I’ve always let my Ex have alternate Christmases. Even though I spent one on my own. My DPs Ex never let him have the kids. Awful. Or she would if I were excluded... what a cow.

Biglettuce - you sound very fair and good on you. Shame your OH’s Ex is so immature and hasn’t moved on. Agree what a cow. Fathers have just as many rights as mums and it’s not upto her to dictate - esp as your OH can have who he wants around the kids. Must be sad for her to be filled with so much bitterness.

I think she was liking the power to be honest, and has a I’m the wife / mother I get to have my kids so I can feel like the queen mum. Despite the fact she didn’t really like parenting and we had the kids every other weekend of the year!

My Ex is horrible to me, really nasty at times. I’m 95% the parent. Yet I’d still do alternate Christmas, as guess what it’s not about us is it, it’s about the kids having special times fairly with each one. We owe it to our children.

@marvellouscreations no court order as we didn’t want to upset the apple cart and her say we couldn’t have them at all. I feel sad for my DH as all he wants to do is see his kids more.

As one poster said...it’s not about the adults, it’s about the kids.

@ILoveKermit I’m sure Court wouldn’t let her prevent contact at all, courts view the child(ren) having good relationships with both parents as priority and as your DH already has a good relationship with his DC the courts will not take steps backwards only forwards you have to ask yourselves what’s worse - years of putting up with the ex’s nonsense or nip it in the bud, get the order and enjoy being able to plan your lives... and have alternate Xmas!

Couldn’t agree more with the last poser. Nip her nonsense in the bud and get a contact order so everyone knows we’re they stand.

My OH went through 2 years of the stress and heartache - the EW using the children as weapons against him. Not letting him see the children when she wanted to exhert control. The nail in the coffin was when she wouldn’t let him speak (let alone see) his daughter on her birthday.

Since then he has a contact order and he’s taken her back to court 3 times for breaches. She no longer holds the power. She does play up every now again but my OH calmly tells her that if she doesn’t adhere to the order he will take her back to court.

Get a contact order, you can’t deal rationally with bitter ex’s.

We have the most hectic Christmas Day, DSD starts the day at her mothers, then we have breakfast at my partner's mother's house, then we have DSD for the afternoon then she goes back to her mother...all in the same day. 🙄 Been like this for the last four years.

We now have a ten month old daughter so I'm hoping it becomes less hectic moving forward.

My DSD used to have alternate xmAs dinners with her mums family then her dads. But when I came on the scene she would always stay with her mum till dinner and then come over to ours overnight afterwards.

We have a baby together now tho and her mum has told her if she wants to spend Xmas eve with her dad she can. Although she said she wouldn’t as she feels guilty on her mum leaving her on her own.

Growing up it was alternated first week with one parent, second week with the other (my Dad was the rp & my Mum lived 100+ miles away). I liked it & it always worked well from my pov as a child. My parents always got on though so there wasn't ever really any tension to pick up on after the initial split & divorce.

We have my DH dd on Boxing Day as mother won’t allow to share Christmas. At a push we can have her a few hours on Christmas Eve and usual routine is for is to visit dd at their house on Christmas morning to give her presents however the mother makes this very awkward saying I’ve invaded her home and Christmas - last year she even locked herself in her bedroom so not to see us as we had our 3 month old with us

We alternate, last year I had DS from finishing school for two weeks ish until the 3rd jan, this year his dad will get the same, keeps it simple and less ferrying between houses where the kids just want to play with their new toys

I work as a mediator with separated families, I spend a lot of my working life talking about arrangements for Christmas. We always encourage parents to think what it is like for their children not to be able to see both parents on special days - it is NOT about what the parents want. Generally with younger children it ends up looking like Christmas Eve until after lunch Christmas Day with one parent, Christmas Day afternoon until Boxing day (or the morning after depending on what happened Christmas Eve morning) with the other parent. As kids get older they may change to an alternate Christmas Day/Boxing Day arrangement (or if the relationship between the parents is so toxic that a Christmas Day changeover will spoil the kids' Christmas we might encourage that). I love it when I get a European/Anglo mix where someone likes to celebrate on Christmas Eve, the other on Christmas Day! As someone who sees equal numbers of mums and dads behaving badly I feel strongly about children having a right to a meaningful relationship with both of their parents. Obviously if a parent isn't interested in spending time with their kids that is a different, and very sad, situation.