Step dad won't see kids

[beec]

I really need some serious advice on this please.

I was with a man for 5 years but had two children previous, one of the being just 1 years old so he has raised her and she has grown to call him daddy, my other daughter is 12 and was always so happy to have a daddy.

We split 6 months ago and it’s been a bit scetchy but he said he wanted to contribute each week which he has been but the last 3 weeks I have asked for it. The last two weeks has been like getting blood out of a stone to call or see them. He says he is too busy with work (I do work also) but he can’t see them as too busy but doesn’t even have the time to call. But when I do call him he also tells me how he has been snowboarding and doing photos shoots as he is on the rise to stardom after doing some Facebook video. I’m not in the slightest, jealous or bitter, I just feel for my kids. He’s told me I need to back off and he will see them when he can but it’s been a week now with no phone call. I’m not going to ask for the money any more and I know he either wants me to snap and say “you can’t see them any more” so he can point the finger at me which I’m not playing into or he wants to slowly, slowly disconnect and get on with his own life. I feel devastated for my kids but also I’m very close with his family, have known some of them years before him and they want me and the girls at family gatherings so how will that work in the future? The family are not happy with home but let’s face it, bloods thicker than water and I don’t except them to take sides. They are being decent people and wants the girls still in the family. What’s the best way around this. I want to call him a scum bag but I won’t rise to it, please please has anyone got any advice?

Really greatful for all the replies!

First off, I’m really not bothered about the money, i just wrote it so you knew the full story.

Someone asked about not knowing where bio dad is? He moved after we split, he wouldn’t give address and his mother wouldn’t even give address. I then tried finding him through child maintainable who found him but he’s self employed and aren’t allowed to give me his address.

The ex “step dad” was very vocal that he wanted to be their dad! We even disagreed often over the fact that one day I would have to tell the youngest that he wasn’t her bio dad, he wanted her to grow up always believing he was the real dad (of course I wouldn’t have allowed that) but this is how passionate he was in the 5 years. He forced his family to refer to him as daddy when talking too the children about him. And obviously because of being stung before, I’d brought up the possibility of us splitting and he said he would always be there. I didn’t force him to take on role as dad or continue to pay any more, this is what he wanted to do. We are talking about human beings here and yes I do feel more because i gave birth too them but I do believe that making a baby and taking on a child to the level he did is actually the same thing. You are taking responsibility for a being, you have raised them and they have grown in some ways purely because you are there day to day. It’s not ok for a bio dad to be there for 5 years and walk away so why is it for a non bio and has stamped his feet to be taken seriously as dad. You can make a child feel secure in believing he will always be there and then just because his life is taking a turn for the better and children just wouldn’t fit into it, you then slowly let children down easily. It’s disgusting.

I do understand where you are coming from. He was naive to think he would want to carry on parenting if you ever split up. He should have thought about this but people don't when they are all loved up.

There is nothing you can do about it, and to be honest it is probably best that he cuts ties altogether now instead of stringing the kids along until he gets a new family.

I’m sorry OP but making a baby and taking children on are nowhere near the same thing
It’s been 2 weeks... he has seen them before then and may even continue to see them but I think expecting a split custody arrangement is unrealistic. Biological dads from split families often see their kids only once a fortnight so I wouldn’t expect a non-bio, never been married to their Mum exbf to be seeing them more than that.
You shouldn’t have allowed him to have that level of involvement with your children without even being married or considering adoption.
I know you’re hurting but this is also your making. I know you all meant well but it seems you’ve been very naive.
He may we’ll continue to see them occasionally but he was with you a relatively short time - 5 years but I’m assuming you didn’t allow him to be involved with the kids to that level from day one.
Console your kids and don’t let them call anyone else dad please

Ah, so sorry OP. This sounds so hard for you and your children.

Some step-fathers do take on children unconditionally. My husband has. But there are ways of establishing this legally (marriage and sharing PR being the easiest) and short of pursuing those I think it's always risky. However you're very far from the first woman to be caught out by a man saying things he didn't really mean. It must be so tough.

If he's otherwise been a decent human being then I think I would try waiting a bit longer before making any decisions like cutting him out completely. He's part of your daughters' life stories at this point and it sounds like there are lots of entwinted links with family and friends too. (This is assuming he's never been abusive in any way and the relationship broke down fairly mutually.) He may well be up for seeing them sporadically, once the excitement of more freedom has worn off, and actually that might be the best thing for them. (Though not necessarily - that's up to you to decide as things go along.)

No choosing to have biological children is nothing like choosing to become involved with someone who has children.

And as I said upthread, it's only been two weeks, this isn't exactly a case of a father having lost interest is it? . I do however think that your six year old needs to be told that he is not her biological father. Presumably the older one knows?

And I agree that when you're in the loved up stage of a relationship it's possible to hold all sorts of naive notions, including that you'd never not deliberately distance yourself from the children, except when relationships break down etc things do change.

OP, maybe you could get professional advice on how best to talk to the children about this. It is potentially very damaging to them if he just drops out of their lives and then you drop the bombshell to your youngest that he isn't even their dad.
I think he is being a totally irresponsible shit. Two weeks is an age to a child. Hell would freeze over before I voluntarily went two weeks without seeing mine.

Sadly though, previous posters are right in that you can't make him love them or keep his promises.

Op I think people are giving you a hard time on here. Of course you’re annoyed. He made a commitment, whether legally binding or not. He chose to be their dad. The biological argument is bollocks. People have bio kids and never see them. He chose to be their dad and said that would continue after you split. These are children ffs, not biological possessions

I do understand he may not feel the same way as a bio kid, but that should not affect those children

As the prev poster said, you need to look into ways to support your kids through this. He may not be abandoning them but they’re going through a major change nonetheless

I think you need to speak to your ex and get a concrete plan in place. If he chooses to walk away he needs to do it now, if he wants to stay involved those kids need structure and your ex needs to feel like he can have space from you. Would he be willing to commit to regular time with them and have very little contact with you in between? I think it’s important he keeps a relationship with them but not support you the way a bio father would if that makes sense

I don't think anyone is giving her a hard time. It's a shit situation. I have trouble with why, when the real father of your children completely disappeared with no contact at all, you would let someone else come along and play dad. You've already learned that actually being their father is no guarantee of contact after a split, so it would stand to reason if there is no legal or bio link there, the chances are even higher. He might have been insistent on pretending to be daddy, but OP let him.

Even if they had married or he adopted, he could still do the same. Op trusted a man who stepped up to the plate at the time

It’s so easy for people not in ops situation to judge

Yes, but given that he didn't make any level of commitment, you could read that as a fairly obvious lack of commitment, wouldn't you say?

@AndrewJames I assume you mean a legal commitment?

You can't make someone feel something they don't feel.
I think he's just being honest , better than the alternative.
If he was really as committed as he let you believe he would have married you and adopted them.
I'm sorry you and the children have experienced this.

Can you contact cms again over their bio dad? Self enpliyed doesnt mean you dont pay. Id really chase rhat side/

The only thing you have done 'wrong' is to trust the words of the man you were in love with and who claimed to love you and your children. It's a shame you cannot rely on him to keep his promise, but that reflects more on him than on you.

He may well feel different, but the children don't. To them he is still dad and as the adult he has a responsibility to think of them. No one forced him to take on beong a dad. From OP's posts, that was entirely his own doing. I am fed up of dads (bio and otherwise) just being able to opt out of parenting when it no longer suits them. I can't get my head around how a grown arse man can behave like this.

But he actually has no rights

Actually a person who has lived with a child for 3 years or more has the right to apply for contact so he does have some rights, if he wanted to ensure he could remain in their lives.

I don’t understand how people can do this.

My step children’s step father was married to their mother for 12 years, referred to the kids as his (forced them to not acknowledge DH as their dad actually but that’s another thread)
He lived with them from the ages of 1 and 3 yet he has left without a second glance. Not even a text message. Makes me so mad.

@beec I’m sorry your DC are going through this.,

I get what you are all saying.

I hate that I stupidly trusted in a man who begged and begged and begged to be a part of their life and I guess.... I had the bio dad who was so happy to run away and then finally there was another man who said it’s all he ever wanted. Came to ever school play, made sure Xmas was as special as possible, the works.

I personally think he is doing this out of spite. We was talking but all he went on about was how he was doing this and he was doing that so I said I think it was best we just kept it about the girls and he just switched?

I will still disagree that you it is the same thing making a baby as it is taking on. Most mature adults will sit down and decide to start trying for a baby. He decided to get involved with a woman who had children and then went out of his way to charm her and her children. Let those child learn fall in love with him and forces his family into calling him daddy, he wanted the whole package! Why on earth do you get to just dismiss children once the relationship is over? Yes morally he can do that, I do not not want a penny from him, I guess I just came here to see if I was going mad? I just think it’s so so wrong as a human being!?

He was, in reality, just a boyfriend. You should never have expected he would continue to support them or see them if you split.

Having your own child and dating someone with children is completely and utterly different. You can't compare the two.

Having split with their dad, you were naive to allow them to see him as dad when there was no security of marriage.

OP none of us has a crystal ball, you weren’t to know. And I know how lovely it is to find a man who gives a shit about your kid when their bio dad couldn’t give a shiny shite.

He’s being a prick, a selfish prick.

I have to admit if my relationship broke down I wouldnt see my step child, BUT in this case he has let your children call him Dad so I think this is different. He shouldnt have taken on the name if he wasnt going to match the responsibility that comes with that name.
He sounds horrible.

I personally don’t see why marriage has anything to do with it? This is why we have so many people running around, labelling things because we think things are only legit if there is marriage and such.

My main point is, yes it failed the first time round but we can’t not live in cotton wool, I was with this bloke for 5 years. I can not explain how far out of his way he went to be this perfect dad. He brought flowers to the door and knocked for my eldest on her first prom. He sat by my youngest side in all her CT scans when she was being tested for bone tumours. He went above and beyond. He stepped up so I allowed him to be the dad he kept going out of his way, he was trying to prove he was. You cannot as an adult, do all those things go just run off when a relationship breaks down and your life no longer fits in with kids? We live in 2017 with more modern families which don’t include bio parents or marriages. It’s not ok to treat kids like this!

Well marriage isn't only a label. It's (amongst other, more romantic things) the way in which to make it impossible for either party to leave without a backward glance, and after marriage it is straightforward, in situations where one biological parent isn't on the scene at all, to then share parental responsibility.

Sorry, I know that doesn't help you now. But I do think it's worth being clear on the important legalities of marriage, for the sake of other people reading this who are also in a precarious situation.

I think the PP who suggested seeking professional advice and support for your kids (and maybe yourself, as this must be tough) makes a very good point.

He is a gutless, he should never have taken on huge titles like 'daddy' to your dc and allow himself to be a huge part of the children's lives and bailed out.

I can so see why you are angry. Anyone would be.
But you need to get past this for them. Your pain needs to be on the back burner for now. Rally everyone that loves them to the house, you need support and lots of it. Not you sobbing into your glass of wine, but a real mission to bring joy and happiness to your children and be there for you. Nothing matters but them. In the end remember they love their Mama more than anything and will take their cue from you. Be strong upbeat and resolved kick the shit bag into the past

No I’m sorry, I would have adored to have been able to get married, but that won’t happen for me now as I can’t let another man into my children’s lives, I’d be ashamed of myself to do that to them again! I mean in the sense of taking on a roll as a parent, marriage makes no difference. Do not go out of your way, to be trusted as a parent only to run off to an easier life for yourself when it suits you.

I’m past all the crafting! Iv booked Disneyland Paris for me and my two girls I’m 3 weeks. I just think it’s so so wrong... sick! How man justify this in any way

youre coming across as bit naive, tbh. Marriage isn't just a label, it's a legal commitment, it means something. He didn't want to marry you or adopt them, so it's all just words with him, obviously. He never backed it up with any reality.