Help! DH, DSS' behaviour and newborn struggles

[80rasberries]

Have posted a couple of times before but have changed my username as my other one was a bit outing. I apologise in advance for the long and rambling post but I’m really hoping for some advice on how to tackle my DH’a approach to stepson’s behaviour now that we have a new baby.

DH and I have been married for 2 years, together 4. He split up with his previous partner when DSS was 2 years old and he is now 11 (but still in primary school). My relationship with DSS has always been good but it’s clear that due to his parents being divorced, neither parent has wanted to be the one to do the discipline and as a result his behaviour has certainly suffered. I have made recommendations in the past - I’m a teacher so have some experience with child behaviour even though I know this is no where near comparable to parenting - DH has always agreed with my recommendations in principle but never puts them into practice as he is scared of DSS not liking him anymore.

DSS behaviour has gradually worsened over the last couple of years, things like being very rude and disrespectful to DH, his mum and grandparents; damaging things in the house and refusing to do anything he’s asked. Nevertheless he is consistently rewarded with treats regardless of behaviour and privileges have never been removed. He is well behaved at school so this is seen as meaning that there are no problems with behaviour as he ‘knows how to behave’ and ‘it’s just a phase’.

Since the birth of my son 7 weeks ago however, things have just got so much worse. He is refusing to do basic things for himself such as shower, get dressed, do homework, cut up his food and wants DH to do it (which he does!). His attitude is awful. He tells us to shut up even if we just ask how his day was. Everything is met with ‘why should I?’ ‘Shut up’ or ‘I’ll just go to my mums then’. I appreciate some of this is typical pre teen behaviour and some of it is clearly a reaction to the new baby but I genuinely don’t know how to encourage DH to deal with it. I have had long conversations with DH who recognises there is a problem and vows to do something about it but then never sticks to anything. So he will threaten to remove screens for a day for example but then gives in after an hour.

I totally understand that this must be such a hard time for DSS but I’m worried about how this might manifest when he is older. I have done everything I can to ensure he is involved with the new baby but babies are a bit boring so he’s not really interested. I just don’t know what I can do. Selfishly, I feel like I’m being robbed of these precious first weeks with my newborn because I’m so on edge having my home ruled by an 11 year old. DH also hardly spends any time with the baby because the minute he comes home from work DSS kicks off about something and by the time it’s resolved the baby is asleep. I don’t want to live in this environment anymore and I don’t know what to do to make sure DSS is happy and settled but also not ruling the roost.

I’d really like some practical recommendations on how I can convince DH to take notice without him feeling like DSS is going to turn on him. (I know he just needs to grow some balls but I also understand where he is coming from). The difficulty is he is old enough to walk back to his mums when he wants if he doesn’t get his own way here. He doesn’t really play up for Mum as he is only there for bed time 2 weeknights and one day at weekend.

Apologies again for the length of this. Thanks so much for reading!

Yep, he needs disciplining, but if neither of his parents are prepared to do it, then where do you go from there? It sounds like your DH is aware, but somehow can't put his intentions into actions. Why not? Is it because it's easier not to, because he feels like he is a mean dad if he does, or because he really doesn't know how to go about it?

Could you get with mum to discuss a joint approach?

How much do you have him?

EOW you could rely on asking your DH to sort.

More than that, you will be waiting a long time for DH and anyway, it’s your home too and you are a parental figure while he is there. Get stuck in and insist on basic polite behaviour. Take away privileges yourself. Start with very basic important issues, no telling you to shut up. He can go to his room until he apologises. Tell your DH this is urgent, that you need him to be on board. But don’t wait. Do something with your DSS for at least an hour, every week at least, just totally focus on him, take him to an activity, make him his favourite food, ask him how his day was, don’t force it if you get rebuffed.

So show you care, but show him where the line is too.

You’ll have to do this as the harmony of your home, for you, your baby, everyone, is being totally crushed if you don’t. He’ll be speaking to his half brother like this too, telling him to shut up, or your child will see this.

i feel for you. I have no advice as such for you ... apart from not making yourself available to the DSS I know it sounds awful but the child has to learn that you don't need or want to spend time with them when they are presenting in that way. I could be wrong but it appears the DSS is trying to make your DH chose between him and the baby?