DSC and DC? Who gets what proportion of the Christmas budget?

[Wallywobbles]

So what’s fair for Christmas when you have DSC and DC? Who gets what proportion of the Christmas budget?

I’m afraid this is long, but I want to paint an accurate picture.

We have 4 DCs. 2 DDs are mine aged 11 & 13. They don’t have any contact with their Dad at all, so no presents. DH has 2 DCs, DSD 11 & DSS 9 and they live with us a little over 50/50. We do live in the EU but not UK.

The last 2 Christmases we have had the DSC part of Christmas Day, but either we have had to rush our Christmas to drop them off at their Mums or my DCs have had to wait until they turn up (usually 3 or 4 hours late) so that we can open presents etc and have our family Christmas together. This has felt really unfair on my DCs. It has also meant we can’t see my family at Christmas.

This year we won’t be having DSC until 29th Dec, but next year we will be having them for Christmas and not doing the change over on the day. Which feels like a real improvement. This year DH, myself and my DDs will be spending it with my family in the UK, next year we will spend it with DHs family and all the kids.

What is fair in terms of presents? For the last 3 Christmases I have spent roughly the same amount on everyone, and its been a bloody fortune. I do love a big Christmas, lovely stockings etc loads or presents. However, pretty much everything that we gave to DSS went to his mothers house and was never seen (or used) again. It’s his stuff so thats his (or his mums) choice, but does feel like a waste of money. This year things are quite a lot tighter and I just can’t afford to throw money down the drain.

My DSC’s mums family are very very generous, for e.g. DSD got a computer, a phone and a DS last Christmas when she was 10. It just feels unfair to my DC that I spend as much on my DSC as I do on them, but the DSC then go to Mums and get the full wack again. In effect by being generous to the DSC my kids get less which feels like a fundamental inequality.

This year we have started talking about Christmas and what everyone should expect. Eldest DD is very grateful for her presents, takes care of her stuff and is generous to a fault with giving presents too. (She has her quota of faults but not here). My lovely DSD has said she doesn’t care about the presents she just wants everyone to be happy. DSS does care about the number of presents; but like my youngest DD its more about the number of presents under the tree. Interestingly though both of these two have said they’d prefer the cash.

I have said, if you’re not here on 25th in the morning then there is no stocking. For terms of ease imaging our budget is 1500€ I think that if I spend 500€ on my kids then 250€ is probably a fair amount on the DSC. I think its highly unlikely that I’d stick to that but I think its probably fine to spend a bit less on DSC. For some reason cash really does feel wrong though it would definitely be cheaper and easier particularly in terms of wrapping presents which I dread. But I think the two wanting cash are not really imaging that is all they’d get (and they are probably right). But maybe it’s a good lesson to learn for them.

So for those of you with a limited budget how do you spend it?

Both my dc are happy with this & it has evened out over the years
Same here! Two years ago, DD wanted a laptop. As I didn't want to get her only one thing, she got a few more things and all together, I must have spent quite a bit more, but DS got what he wanted. Last year, it was DS turn to want a laptop.

This year, DD won't get hardly anything at all as I'm about to spend over £1,000 on her car insurance (she passed her test last month) and can't afford to offer you a large Christmas present in addition. I definitely won't spend that much on DS, I don't think he'll be asking for anything expensive anyway, but give it three years and I'll probably want to drive too.

I am glad that my kids have never felt treated unfairly on the basis of how much is spent on each, or worse, felt the need to actually try to add it all to gage it.

I don't think it's the actual price that matters, it's about how the children perceive it. It has t look similar/fair. They can't get purposely get less just because they have their mum buying them presents. If they're fully aware that their DF does not contribute at all towards your children's presents, then I feel that's different as then they'd all just be getting presents off their own mum.

We spend more on my dc but thats prob because my dsc are a lot older in 20s so it natural to recieve less and one never wants anything while the other will ask for very expensive gifts that we wouldnt juat get anyway

The pattern for Christmas has changed now: they are with you or not with you, so you can let the bygones be bygones, surely?

You love this big happy Christmas but you seem to be having business meetings discussing stockings and cash v presents, and you introduced big piles of presents, but you hate wrapping, and a lesser amount of cash might be 'a lesson' to your SDC. You love giving piles of presents, but you resent your Sds taking them to his other home so don't want to buy him more...

Such mixed messages and feelings.

You got yourself into this, don't be a martyr!

By the time they come back to yours for Christmas morning they will be older. No need to be laying down rules about stockings now, for heaven's sake!

Get then presents that they will love and enjoy, leave your Sdc's presents under the tree til the 29th, and I would send them off with a stocking of fun stuff from you and their Dad to open on Christmas morning.

I don't think it's fair to spend less on your DCSs just because their maternal side are generous.

It comes across like they're being penalised.

Also .. the gifts from last year that they don't use? Are they gifts they actually wanted and asked for ?

In all honesty sd gets a selection box and a present from my oh. That’s it. I’ll get all sorts of abuse for it but she is all sorts of spoiled and is not here at all. In that she never visits here. So dc get our whole budget.

Yes huge back story.
Dc are younger and stil get less. And sd is teen and doesn’t know what they get.

Hi OP,

It's easy to say as I don't have kids of my own so may feel totally differently if I did and had to watch my kids getting less, BUT I think things should be as equal as possible. Not to say match everything penny-for-penny, but I'd try to keep it fairly even.

Although it feels unfair on your kids, it's not really relevant what your SCs get on their mum's side. Another idea could be to have your DP talk to his ex about what the SCs want and to divvy the list up between them? That may end up evening out their presents from their mum and dad so they don't end up getting so much more than your DCs?

I do feel for you though, I don't look forward to all this arising in the future if OH and I have a child together.

PS. I definitely wouldn't be making your kids wait for SCs to come to open their presents! That's not fair on them. Maybe in the future you could just keep a couple aside for them to open when SCs arrive.

When they aren't with you for Christmas I would buy them one biggish present for when they come home but that's it. Or a stocking of token gifts but no main present. When they are with you for Christmas I would get them more, but give your children cash when DC are at their mums. It's not fair on your DC otherwise.

I also wouldn't wait for step children to open presents. That isn't a fair ritual at all.

We don't take into consideration what the children get outwith our house. DS1 has very generous grandparents (who spoil him and also buy some gifts for the others) and my twin girls have grandparents and their Dad too. It means they get more, but inside our house everyone is the same and to me that's the only way to work it without breeding any issues of resentment.

As a previous poster said DH talking to the ex and them divvying up the list between them might be a good idea. My parents are separated and they have done this ever since the split and it works very well. Also how old are the children who just want money? My older brother is 26 and saving for a housing deposit so my mum and dad are just giving him money to contribute towards that this year, however if they are only young it does seem a bit pointless.

A little off topic and not helpful for all years, but this year as DSC aren't with you til the 29th, I'd be looking to get them their big bits in the sales tbh.

Nice one myth.