DSC and DC? Who gets what proportion of the Christmas budget?

[Wallywobbles]

So what’s fair for Christmas when you have DSC and DC? Who gets what proportion of the Christmas budget?

I’m afraid this is long, but I want to paint an accurate picture.

We have 4 DCs. 2 DDs are mine aged 11 & 13. They don’t have any contact with their Dad at all, so no presents. DH has 2 DCs, DSD 11 & DSS 9 and they live with us a little over 50/50. We do live in the EU but not UK.

The last 2 Christmases we have had the DSC part of Christmas Day, but either we have had to rush our Christmas to drop them off at their Mums or my DCs have had to wait until they turn up (usually 3 or 4 hours late) so that we can open presents etc and have our family Christmas together. This has felt really unfair on my DCs. It has also meant we can’t see my family at Christmas.

This year we won’t be having DSC until 29th Dec, but next year we will be having them for Christmas and not doing the change over on the day. Which feels like a real improvement. This year DH, myself and my DDs will be spending it with my family in the UK, next year we will spend it with DHs family and all the kids.

What is fair in terms of presents? For the last 3 Christmases I have spent roughly the same amount on everyone, and its been a bloody fortune. I do love a big Christmas, lovely stockings etc loads or presents. However, pretty much everything that we gave to DSS went to his mothers house and was never seen (or used) again. It’s his stuff so thats his (or his mums) choice, but does feel like a waste of money. This year things are quite a lot tighter and I just can’t afford to throw money down the drain.

My DSC’s mums family are very very generous, for e.g. DSD got a computer, a phone and a DS last Christmas when she was 10. It just feels unfair to my DC that I spend as much on my DSC as I do on them, but the DSC then go to Mums and get the full wack again. In effect by being generous to the DSC my kids get less which feels like a fundamental inequality.

This year we have started talking about Christmas and what everyone should expect. Eldest DD is very grateful for her presents, takes care of her stuff and is generous to a fault with giving presents too. (She has her quota of faults but not here). My lovely DSD has said she doesn’t care about the presents she just wants everyone to be happy. DSS does care about the number of presents; but like my youngest DD its more about the number of presents under the tree. Interestingly though both of these two have said they’d prefer the cash.

I have said, if you’re not here on 25th in the morning then there is no stocking. For terms of ease imaging our budget is 1500€ I think that if I spend 500€ on my kids then 250€ is probably a fair amount on the DSC. I think its highly unlikely that I’d stick to that but I think its probably fine to spend a bit less on DSC. For some reason cash really does feel wrong though it would definitely be cheaper and easier particularly in terms of wrapping presents which I dread. But I think the two wanting cash are not really imaging that is all they’d get (and they are probably right). But maybe it’s a good lesson to learn for them.

So for those of you with a limited budget how do you spend it?

Somer I’m sure your point is valid. I suspect that there is some psychological thing going on with me and I’ve created my own monster.

So now you're aware of having a bit of an ishoo, so to speak, in this area, so a bit of thinking about what would help.
To me the obvious solution sounds like spending less all round, thereby holding money back for the expensive but necessary items (laptop etc...) for your own DC, that DSC get from their mum.

This also seems, from as outside perspective, something of chicken and egg scenario. Does your husband only buy 1 present per person because his ex wife buys so much, or does she buy so much because he buys so little? Either way, you in the mix spending loads of money might well only be enflaming the situation further and leading to competitive spending from their mum.
Try dialling it down for everyone and see what happens.

We spend the same on DS as I do my other two my DH doesn't make me spend less on DS because he gets presents from his dad's side which is massive. He's a key member of our family and is treated accordingly so when he is with us. I think your being rather mean about the stocking. As for you buying al the presents I would be questioning your dh about contributing more to the pot but tbh what your spending is excessive amount.

Why do you make your children wait to open their presents until your dsc arrive? They will be opening presents at their mum's.
There's no way I'd have my children come down on Christmas morning only to be told to wait for their sibling's arrival before they can open anything.
Your Christmas, and more importantly your children's Christmas doesn't begin when your dsc arrive. They should join in with your day when they get there!

We have a "his" a "mine" and an "ours"

We spend the same on all 3. So ok the older 2 get a present from their other parents and other grand parents and other aunts etc but they are all ours so we spend an equal amount.

Ours sometimes benefit from the fact that he has us to himself and we can afford better holidays now we are older etc.

But to say spend £50 £50 and £100 just wouldn't occur to us and would be the quickest way to indicate we didn't value them as much!

We would also just do our Christmas but save their presents for whatever day or time they arrive not wait around twiddling thumbs.

It does seem a waste of Christmas day that it can't start till the other kids arrive.

I would treat everyone in the same place at the same time equally. So while they are not with you for Christmas I’d drop all the stocking stuff and silly items that always cost more than you think and just go with their main, well thought out gifts. The family game console would be a great addition to this meaning your children also get something on the 29th.

Next year when they are all with you, they all get the same.

Trying to compensate for what other children get at other homes can only lead to you being stressed with a calculator while your dh gets up Christmas morning not having dealt with any of the problems.

Maryz that seems like a good option. We wouldn’t do a games console but I’ve been looking at a big trampoline for ages so might well do that for the 29th as a family present.

Christmas this year will be at my family do stockings and presents will happen there for DH, DDs and myself.

I’ll do fewer better presents all round too.

Thanks all a plan is taking shape.

It isn't the children's fault that their parents have broken up or that your DCs father isn't around.

Children do pick up on feeling like they are being treated differently and could cause a lot of issues in the future. They should have the same regardless. Surely your DCs get presents from relatives on your side that the step children don't get?

Hi OP would it be an idea to shift the focus from big presents at Christmas to big presents at birthdays instead?

My dp buys his guys moderate presents at Christmas as their dm goes way over the top and he feels it's overload, so he saves larger presents for their birthdays.
My kids always had Santa at mine (ex & I would split the cost) & ex & I would buy them separate small gifts from us. Now that Santa's not an issue the gifts from each of us are a bit bigger. I buy my ss's the same sort of gift I'd give my nieces & nephews and dp does the same for my kids.
Everyone seems happy & there's been no complaints, so far.
My ss's have a far more materialistic streak than my kids (I'm not criticising, just stating a fact) so dp & I decided early on that we would always go separately on gifts for the kids.

What Maryz says - that's why I & ex & dp all but the larger 'needed' gifts at birthdays & reserve the smaller, fun stuff for Christmas.

Our situation is this... my DD7 (no contact with father who lives overseas) my DS3 (regularly contact with his DF and the only grandchild who gets spoilt my GM&GD)
Partner has 2 DDs and a massive family on both sides who buy for them too.
DPs family don’t buy for my DCs and my family don’t buy for his DCs.
DPs spends whatever he wants on his DCs and I do on mine, they gone out of our own individual budgets and then we each buy token gifts for each other’s children - maybe £20-30 worth.
At some point over the Christmas period we are left with only my DD with us as the other 3 kids are off with their other families - at this point I choose to give extra presents to my DD as the other children are receiving gifts from theirs families which she doesn’t have.
So roughly I spend a third or half again more on my DD than my DS. But I’m clever about it as in the gifts are necessarily quantifiable to them financially e.g. last year one of her “extra” gifts was tickets to a west end show and a stay in a nice hotel arranged for a weekend when the other 3 kids are with their other families.
I couldn’t sit there and be happy knowing that 3 children were getting far more than 1 child. It seems so unfair, it’s not her fault her father is absent and I don’t see why she should get less than the others

So many typos sorry!
I meant the gifts aren’t necessarily quantifiable financially to them, the other kids never know how much I’ve spent.

Also they don’t see my DD opening her extra gifts and the one and only time it was mentioned by SDs I replied “What were you doing while DD7 was opening these presents?”
Their reply was “opening presents with our Mum” which is exactly what my DD was doing too... it wasn’t mentioned again

I've never spent equal amounts on my DC. There are no step kids involved so it probably makes it easier. At various times some of my DC have needed expensive items while the others haven't, it would be bonkers as Maryz said to try and equal it out all the time.

Winosaurus, I actually think that's really lovely what you do for your DD. It's not like they are there sitting and watching when she gets the few extra gifts.

I don't think there is a one size fits all. Every family is different, and if it's done tactfully (ie not running the other kids noses in it), then I don't think it would actually be a bad thing for the children who don't have as much family as the other children (half or step) to receive a few extra gifts.

rubbing, not running

I do get your thinking op, I personally dont think its unfair.

My family and DH's family give equal presents/money to all 4 kids.

I am a step daughter too and my step mum made Christmas great. And I do Christmas to her template. But all 6 of us kids lived with the same 2 parents - there was no other mum and dad around.

I have never actually counted what I spend on the kids previously, but this year there is actually going to need to be a budget, not just a hideous display of consumerism. I'm moving towards the idea of Birthday big presents, Christmas less so. My DD and DSD are only one day apart in age, so that already is fairly complex.

I'm unlikely to have a chat with DSCs mother as I am wary of her because I cannot follow her line of thinking as it makes no sense to me and she goes on rather random attacks. And before anyone decides I was the other woman, I wasn't. She was the one with the extra marital affairs.

Up to now I've always treated her kids equally to mine and that has not always been to my kids advantage. As I'm sure all step-parents can bare witness, it's harder than it looks.

winosaurus that sounds like an excellent way of doing things.

Agreed winosaurus that sounds more like a fit with what we have. I'm really looking forward to spending Christmas with my family for the first time with DH. Its so different to what he had growing up. His family were properly poor (no bathroom until he was 15 and that was in the cow shed as the cows needed hot water more than they did). They are so lovely though his poor mum had 5 kids in 5 years, and we both love the big family dynamic (probably because we are both youngest siblings). And we love the fact that we now have our own big family, and love having lots of kids.

Wallywobbles I would maybe give them equal amounts whilst the SCs are there but maybe give your kids a few extra on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day (whenever the SCs aren’t around) so there’s no jealousy around your kids opening more in front of them xx

Inequality doesn't have to be about spending the exact X amount on one of the other. What is equal is that all feel they got what they wanted. You say that you wasted money last year on your DSS, so surely, it's better to spend less but ensure he gets exactly what he wants?

I've never counted whether I spend the same amount on my two kids and I suspect I don't. However, I know that both of them get what they really wanted and that's what matters. They give me a list and go from that. Neither of them have ever expressed upset because they thought I'd spent more on one of the other.

I don't even spend the same on my two dc (aged 16 & 21)! If one really wants something for £500 and the other wants something that's £100 it would leave me trying to spend another £400 on extra stuff just to make things 'fair'

Both my dc are happy with this & it has evened out over the years

As my two don't have the same, there's nothing to match dss (8) with. DP was broke before we lived together though so dss get more now than he did & so I'm sure doesn't feel hard done to

I don't take into consideration what their other parents buy them, probably the only perk to separated parents is 2 holidays & double presents! I can see it's harder where some of the children have only one parent in their lives though