Shy or rude?

[5had03]

I have one SS who has just turned 12. Been with DP for 10 years. I have an excellent relationship with my SS majority of the time.

However, more recently I am finding some of my SS behaviour quite rude, according to his dad he is just being shy.

For example, we go to DP’s parents house for Sunday dinner every other Sunday. It’s the only time they see SS and always ask him lots of questions about how he is, school, his football club and 9/10 he answers with a grunt or a small nod but will not engage in conversation. He also brings his iPad and headphones to each visit (as much as a disagree his dad lets him) as soon as he has finished his 1 minute of grunts and nods he then puts on his headphones and sits on his iPad for the entire visit (except when eating, when his grandma and grandad get a couple more grunts and nods)

Second example, a friend of mine came to visit and made the effort to talk to SS even thou he didn’t even say hello as she walked in and he blatantly ignored her. I said his name and told him my friend was talking to him and so he answered her question without looking away from the tv.

I have spoken to my DP about this and told him I’m finding some of his behaviour quite rude at the moment. My DP says it isn’t rude and that he is just shy of people he doesn’t see often.

I think there is a fine line between being shy and rude.

Any thoughts on this would be helpful

I reckon he's just introverted and finds making conversation/asking questions exhausting.

I do too. It sucks your energy.

SS is with us every weekend Friday evening until Monday morning and Wednesday nights.

12. You've not met a 12 year old before perhaps?

I thought this was normal for 12 yr olds.

Totally normal pre-teen behavior. Especially with boys. It's not shyness it's pre-teen attitude. This too shall pass... I hope... :)

It may be common behaviour in 12 year olds but it is rude & I wouldn't find it acceptable.

The problem is that if your DH doesn't see it as a problem and is happy for DSS to sit on iPad, grunt at adults & ignore them, then you are going to be a lone voice in trying to change it which is a recipe for stress & confict!

i think after 10 years its a bit harsh for you to still be viewing him as a SS so obviously. Normal 12 year old behaviour i think, but not shyness as such, just pre-teening. it will pass.

It may be normal but it’s also rude.

Monosyllabic? Disinterested? Sounds like a developmentally normal 12yo.

i think after 10 years its a bit harsh for you to still be viewing him as a SS so obviously.

I’m not sure I understand? He is my SS I’m not sure how else I should view him.* I love him dearly.*

Yes I have met many 12 year olds and I understand that certain things are preteen behaviour but rudeness I don’t think is acceptable.* I personally do not think it’s anything to do with being shy.*

and always ask him lots of questions about how he is, school, his football club and 9/10 he answers with a grunt or a small nod but will not engage in conversation.

Sounds like a textbook case of being 12. What age did you say he was? I have a 12yo boy too. We have exactly the same issue. Grandparents can be very enthusiastic about things the 12 year old is trying not to think about until 9.00am on Monday morning

Mustresistwine

Thank you for your response.* I think I may discuss it again with DP and hope we can between us speak to SS about leaving iPad at home for grandparents visits or maybe limit time on it when we are there and see how we get on with that first.*

Sorry not sure why majority of that was bold

Definitely normal 12 year old behaviour but it is rude. Personally I'd talk to him about it - maybe say you understand he's getting to an age where he's finding adult conversation boring but that a certain level of interaction and manners is expected especially with regards to his grandparents. What I used to do with mine is ban the phones/tv for the majority of the visit (either us visiting or people visiting us), but once dinner was finished then they could watch tv or whatever, & get away from the adults.

Yes, normal 12 yr old behaviour. My dd went through this stage and drove me up the wall! I ignored it up to a point and then unfortunately lost my temper a couple of times. Thank goodness at 16 she's grown out if it. It did get to the stage where she was coming across as being deliberately rude with myself and her dgp.

Why are people just accepting this rudeness as if it’s ok? Yes it is normal for tweens/teens to get huffy but it is not acceptable for them to be rude and totally ignorant of others. I’m sure most kids try this behaviour but it shouldn’t be allowed, it wasn’t allowed by my parents and it won’t be allowed for my kids either. He needs pulling up on it, but by his dad not you xx

I wouldn't say this was rude behaviour, just typical for a 12 yr old boy.
He's not shouting abuse and telling people to fuck off.

Most aren't accepting this behaviour winosaurus just noting its normal

I agree its normal my 13 ds is v similar OP

I am going to try the advice from magda72 on mine

i think it's very rude behaviour... for the previous generation, not for theirs. I tried the 'you better not behave this way because it's rude approach' and that led to him not being talkative to family and friends AND me! My priority was to ensure that he felt able to speak to me if he needed to, so I stopped nagging him about others, didn't make him go to every such gathering (which he admitted her really didn't enjoy, hence the attitude) and warn the family that he was going through a phase and would get out of it.

I remember the time I took him to get his hair cut when he was between 13/14, and the barber started talking to him. I was laughing inside thinking 'ha ha, just wait trying to get a word out of him', but instead, I heard my son having a very polite, friendly, articulate conversation with him. That got me speechless!

He is now almost 15 and still not great with family, but definitely getting better and I expect he will start being a pleasant human being by next year. Hopefully not too much damage done with the family!

Shy or not it’s rude. I live in France and everyone jumps on my kids when they don’t say hello, engage a bit in conversation etc. 5-10 mins when adults arrive then they can do what they like. Get you DP to give his head a wobble he’s not doing him any favours.