Separate lives?

[Betsybackwater]

Has anyone done this successfully?? I have a DSD 10 and DS 6. My relationship with SD is not good ( it’s nothing different from the other stories here, DH has her EOW, doting Dad, we don’t have her enough to parent her etc). It’s a long story and I don’t want to fill the post with it. After our last two summer holidays which were spectacularly bad I am thinking about us holidaying separately. DH is very anti this idea but the idea of repeating this last summer fills me with dread. We have holidays coming up after New Year and I am planning to do something with DS and leave DH and DSD to their own devices. Has anyone done this successfully before or is this the death knell starting on our relationship??

If DS is her half-brother then I don't think you should. If he's her step-brother then it sounds like a good idea. She can have her dad to herself, and your son can have you to himself.

The death knell? I don't know - but from what you say, it doesn't sound like things are marvellous in any case. It's an extreme solution, but could it be the wake up call your DH needs to try to help things work better?

I was about to post the exact same as Somerville.
It sounds like a really good idea unless your ds is also your husband's ds too.

No. DS is his DSS. No things aren’t marvellous. TBH they are bloody awful. We agree on most stuff except DSD and then we really really disagree. We have tried counselling etc but no joy. I love him to bits and don’t want to leave but I cannot do holidays like we have been. If even just for my own mental health. I come back more stressed than when we went

I refuse to holiday with my SD after numerous awful holidays and thousands of pounds wasted. I take my DC and tell DP he is very welcome to join us or he can choose to take his DDs alone or with other friends or family.

People on here have completely flamed me for this but sometimes you need to manage your own mental wellbeing.

An interesting thread, I know what you mean about holidays with DSC turning out to be a nightmare, had one recently. My DCs never seemed to be able to do anything right by my partner and vice versa if I'm honest, (although I can see maybe I was looking for things to raise as so much was raised with mine).

I know if I take my DCs away with just me then we have a great time. SO it is tempting to do the separate holiday thing, but it's a depressing thought!

It is a bit depressing at not holidaying with another adult but for me the freedom of having a NICE time and my kids being HAPPY without someone ruining it for it more than makes up for DP possibly not coming!

I'm a mum rather than a SM, but frankly, my best holidays are when I am with my OH alone or my kids without my OH. Our holidays together are not bad but I think everyone is a bit on edge, and I certainly am. I feel I am stuck in between with the responsibility on my shoulder to ensure my kids behave so my OH doesn't get all stressed and start having a go and similarly, I feel pressured to do things to please my kids which my OH isn't overly keen. I never relaxed and just feel that I'm just there to try to please everyone.

When I am with one of the other, I feel I can be myself, ie. the self I am naturally with OH or my kids and I can then really enjoy the holiday. Thankfully, my OH is fine with me taking my kids away and vice versa, my kids don't have an issue with me going away with OH. I'm just about to go on another fantastic trip with my kids alone and I just can't wait.

Your OH should embrace your suggestion as I would have thought it will take away pressure from him too, unless the issue is that he relies on you to do all the routine things that still need to be done on holiday.

I'm also considering this, in addition to a joint holiday - but the joint holiday will be a weekend as opposed to a full on holiday. It does make me sad but seems practical.

I'd do separate. Dp has three boys (11-17) & I have two at home (11dd & 15ds). I take mine on holidays & he takes his. We then go away together when they are with their other parents. Do has been away with me & mine (all fine) & I've done long weekends with him & his (not so great for various reasons). All kids get on ok but both dp & I agree that mine & his are so different that a blended holiday would be torturous for us as a couple. It's much easier this way.

I would love to go with just my DH occasionally but he won’t miss any possible contact time with DSD. DSD has the usual issues that are so often on here and the DS acts up whenever she is around ( whether he is picking up on the tension or something I don’t know but he becomes awful too). It just seems easier to do our own thing. So glad other people have done it successfully. Anyone I have spoken to looks at me in horror when I mention it

Betsy for what it's worth all that parental guilt serves no one. It's not going to serve your dp or his ds - but I'm sure you know that.
I think one of the most detrimental things to happen to blended families is this guilt, as it dominates everything & there's nothing you can do with it.
There are many ways to parent but I think most nrps are so consumed with guilt they can't see this.
My dp sees his sons eow. But he ensures he calls/texts everyday. He does all holidays & is always there for school evenings etc. He has finally learned to let go of the guilt & when he's with his boys he's WITH them. They get his full attention & they love their time together.
My own ex sees our kids more regularly but is always tired/busy when they're there. My 15 year old actually said to me that he'd rather see his dad less but in better circumstances as he's always tense
& cranky these days.
Anyway - my point is it would be great for you & dp if he could see that he doesn't have to be with his dd all the time to be a great dad. I'm not sure how you'd tackle this if he's that wound up about spending time with her but it's worth a shot.
A happy united couple will eventually filter down to the kids.

OP, my DP is the same - he has his every weekend, and missing this even once for a holiday isn't an option. It's frustrating, as I think if we had a nice holiday together, it would make the more difficult holidays easier to deal with. My own DC's behave much worse when his are there, and there is an imbalance in the way bad behaviour is perceived and dealt with, which is very stressful for me.

Completely understand. DSD had a holiday with us paid for by my mum and was miserable and incredibly passive aggressive the whole time. Left me feeling utterly deflated and my DM has refused to do it again.

I think it's a good idea and its not the death knell if you and dp can sit down and talk about both your feelings!

Thanks! Unfortunately my DH feels we should stick with the trying to holiday together or we will never become a ‘real’ family. I feel the likelihood of this happening in the near future is highly unlikely anyway ( the ex is bitter, lots of stuff being channeled through poor DSD who god help herdoesnt realise she’s being manipulated but knowing that doesn’t help when she’s being awful!!) and I feel if we continue to holiday together it will end in divorce. The weekends I can just about manage but I need my downtime on holiday!!

Thank you all for your support!! You make me feel much less of a monster and it’s so nice to hear other people have the same sort of issues

I think your dp really needs to shift his perspective here. You are a 'real' family you're just not a typical nuclear one & the more he tries to force it the less it will happen. My ex is classic at trying to pretend that his new family set up is one big typical family & him forcing this used to really upset my 3 & it caused loads of grief. It's better now they're older & he isn't the centre of their world anymore.
Real families come in all shapes & sizes & there's nothing wrong with acknowledging all the different mini families that make up one big family.

Thanks Magda. Am with you in the whole what is a real family thing. Plus, most real families fight like hell, the Disney image of happy families is rare if completely non existent. I can’t fault him for wanting that dream but it makes me feel terrible that he seems to blame me for it not happening

betsy I was where you are about 6 mths ago. I told DP there were certain things I needed in order to stay in the relationship:

• separate holidays
• him to spend majority of time with his DDs on his wkends and I would take my kids.
• his DDs not allowed in our room

If he hadn't agreed then that would have been his call and I would have respected it but we were headed down a horrible road and the last few months have been so much better - simply because I don't have to really see his DDs. They now seem like a tiny part of my world rather than the focus for so much hurt anger and negativity.

Of course I miss one of the DDs lots and it's hard for her but the other DD is so awful it's just such a relief to not have to be around her.

Remember - it's fine to ask for what you need. Your DP needs to put your needs higher up the list of priorities. I had a suspicion mine (and the SD) wanted me around basically to make sure all the crap associated with holidays was done and because I arranged loads of fun things. Apparently now she doesn't enjoy time with just her dad but she doesn't ever seem to enjoy anything.

How old is DSD? They grow up and don't do as many holidays, even mature a bit. So this isn't forever.

I think it's very sad for a relationship to end because of a strained SM and DSD (in particular daughters!) which is fairly common. But you won't get the time back with your own child to have some lovely holiday memories. I think you need to do it.

We do separate holidays sometimes. It has varied over they years. I find his DS hard to deal with, and after putting up with him last year on holiday I said that I would not do that again. So this year DH went away with his DS, and then away with me and my DC.

What we did do when the kids were smaller is make sure that we had at least 2 weekends away a year, just the two of us. That helped get through some very rough times.