Step parents bed

[Piperspool]

I have been with my OH for about 18 months however have only been involved in his three daughters lives for about 10 months. His daughters are 8, 6 and 2.

He has them every weekend and a couple of afternoons during the week. We don't live together but obviously he has the girls a lot so I spend a lot of time with them. Due to him and I living quite a distance apart I often spend the weekend with them staying at his.

He admits whole heartedly that they are a handful and it's not been without its testing times but there seems to be one stumbling block that to others probably doesn't seem like a big deal but we are both failing to see each other's point of views.

Me sharing a bed with his kids.

I am affectionate with the children. The eldest not so much but she is quite a private person who is a mummy's girl and I don't want to force it as I respect that I'm not their mum. The two youngest however run and cuddle me as soon as I walk in the door and in the evening will quite often jump onto my lap to watch a movie.

My issue is they all want to jump into daddy's bed regardless of whether or not I'm there. I know I'm probably sounding selfish but I have my reasons for not feeling comfortable with this. Firstly I am a very light sleeper and know I won't sleep. Secondly I never got into my parents bed unless I was unwell. I also don't know what their mother would think of it and we are not at the point me or my OH could bring it up with her.

In the mornings one or all of the girls come through and my partner encourages them to get into bed. I freeze and make an excuse to get up (often much earlier than I intended to) and try and sleep on the sofa. This irritates my OH and he says I need to accept it.

I know he's right when he says they're just children and don't understand my point but I would like him to try and understand. I've suggested that he gets up with them when they wake up in the morning but I think he thinks I'm being selfish as I want to have some alone time.

This is my first post on here but im happy to receive any feedback whatsoever

You are really not being unreasonable, but, I'm afraid that it is probably an argument in favour of not having a relationship with someone who has children.

I totally understand. DP's dd used to get into my bed when they stayed over. He would put her in the middle and then turn over and go straight back to sleep, while I was kept awake by her incessant chatting and cold clammy feet on me!!

He couldn't understand why I was so uncomfortable/annoyed by it, but suffice to say, it doesn't happen any more for several reasons!

If he wants to snuggle with her in the mornings he can go and get into her bed or on the sofa and leave you in bed to sleep.

It's understandable that you feel uncomfortable but at the same time these are very young children (2 year old is still a baby) and getting into bed with parents is a normal thing to do- my 2 year old still sleeps with me every night. Your partner shouldn't be getting annoyed at you leaving the bed though. Could you avoid staying overnight when he has the children?

It's a tough one because neither of you is being unreasonable, you just have incompatible wants. Although actually if your DP is actually cross with you for not staying in the bed when they come in, that is unreasonable IMO.

I'd suggest, as ever, trying to find a compromise, like everyone starts the night in a their own bed, they're not allowed to get in daddy's bed before a certain time in the morning, at which point you can get up or go and sleep in one of their beds if you want. However with the 2 year old it could be tricky if she's used to getting in in the night if she has a bad dream or something, you might need to compromise yourself a bit there.

Thanks for the responses. This is all new to me and I know there's not a manual for what's right and wrong when getting involved with a partners children but it's good to get opinions and advice from those with more experience.

I do understand that if they get up in the night in certain circumstances I'm more than flexible. His middle daughter a few weeks ago was upset prior to going to bed about a totally unrelated matter and just needed her daddy and I suggested I sleep in her bed (the top bunk bed 😀)Which I did but then the next night the eldest said it was her turn to sleep in bed with dad.

I've told my OH that certain things will come with time and I'm trying my best. He does appreciate everything I do for the girls and it's nice to hear him say that he's amazed at how selfless I've been and aware I have made huge sacrifices. We need to find a compromise I suppose.

It is weird having children your not related to in your bed. The 2 year old maybe ok but def not the older two. Your partner is being unreasonable. He needs to change the routine and get snuggly with them on the sofa in the morning.

I have a child and a step son. I don't allow ss in my room as that's my private space, I would be weirded out if another woman had my son in her bed and I would not allow it.

I am not a sm but I can see both perspectives.

Morning cuddles with your kids are lovely, cold feet and incessant chatter are part of the charm when it's your own child, warming their little feet while having the privilege of a view into their little world. It's special and passes too quickly I can understand your dh wanting to share this special experience with you.

But they are not your babies and you feel uncomfortable with this which is perfectly understandable also. It must be sô difficult to be a sm and go from virtual stranger to intimate family member without all the stages in between; like first gear to sixth without any of the in-between. There will be quite a lot of bumps and stalling

I think you are handling it beautifully to be honest. There may be a time when you are confortable or maybe not but I think your dh needs to step back and allow you to find your own role in this new family you are making and let the intimacy come naturally.

Could you agree a morning each for example 1 morning you get up (either trade beds with the first arrival or go down stairs) and then the next he gets up with the kids and you get a lie in? Although it's possible if there are 3 of them and they are as fond of you as you describe you may get at least 1 prefering to still hang out with you either downstairs or in bed

Perhaps not staying the night while their over would be better.

After all you have lots of nights when he doesn't have them.

He needs to know the full element of being a single parent, without having you to help him with the kids.
This is why many men can't manage with their own kids...because they get helped all the time.

You also need to remember that they only sleep over twice a month.... so it's not really home to them and they will want to snuggle with their dad....after all they don't see him everyday like that see their mum.

To be fair to my OH he doesn't want me to stay to help him out he just wants me to be included in his family life. He has them every weekend and two evenings a week so it's not two nights a month.

Due to working hours and the distance we live apart and that he does have them a fair bit if we want to have a relationship then it has to be predominantly when the children are there as I don't stay midweek only weekends.

I like the idea of taking turns of getting up and I think hope he will see that as a compromise that's reasonable.

It is tough knowing what my position is and there is a lot of trial and error on both our parts. He did say the other night when one of the girls was being particularly badly behaved and testing that he understands his love is unconditional for them and I'm still establishing a relationship with them so it must feel frustrating at times.

To be fair to my OH he doesn't want me to stay to help him out he just wants me to be included in his family life.
They all do and that's the core of most of the problems SM face. They refuse to accept that their fantasy world of mum + dad + children has been shattered and they somehow convince themselves after separation that their new partner can just replace mum, love his kids as much as he and his ex do and that if the children are not there every day, it's not different to if they were away at school.

If you want a successful future life with him, I'd suggest you start make it clear to him that although you love him, and like his kids and look forward to building a relationship with them, they remain HIS kids and you are unlikely to ever feel about them the way he does, nor want to spend as much time with them as he does.

I think many new partner don't dare to make this message clear because they worry that their partner might decide that they are therefore not the right person for them, so they wait until they are fully committed (marriage and even better kids) and lay the law afterwards, which by then cause a lot of upset and frustration.

You have a right to still be you and not replacement mum. You shouldn't have to get up at all for his children. Children coming into the bed is something that your OH should be able to enjoy, but with compromises so that you don't have to do something you really don't want. If the issue for you is the time (ie. you want a lay in) then you need to agree and discuss with them a time that they are allowed to come. If the 2 yo comes into the bed, then he needs to put a side gate to the bed and she can be on his side.

He did say the other night when one of the girls was being particularly badly behaved and testing that he understands his love is unconditional for them and I'm still establishing a relationship with them so it must feel frustrating at times.
Indeed, but the relationship you will grow to have with them is still unlikely to ever as strong and unconditional as his. It's not just a question of time and his expectations from you need to reflect this.

He has three children at ages where they need his full time attention. I don't think he's at a time in parenting where a partner should be putting her boundaries in place in the household. I honest don't think it's s good idea to be in this relationship at this time.

Apologies.I thought it was EOW.

I still think you've been thrown into a step mum role when it's just your BF children.

I certainly wouldn't want to even take turns waking up when they're not my DC. Not living together .. not engaged. It's too much responsibility at third stage of the relationship.

Weekday afternoons are like him having visitors as they don't sleepover and two of them have been in school. At best it's one meal and they go home.

When it comes down to the hard work of parenting... putting them to bed, feeding them more than once a day, bathing, dressing etc ...he has you there to help.

And every weekend? What happens to your social life with him .. just him.

If the only time (or majority of the time) you see him is with the kids... It's a lot of pressure on the relationship.

I couldn't do that, but you sound like a nice patient person.

Sorry but I just don't think it's true that step parents will never have unconditional love for a step child.
I found my experience with my step mum a little different because we met when I was 11 and my 2yo step brother had a lot more attention and love than me at that time. Looking back now, that's because he was an infant and I was an independent, prickly pre-teen. However my dad has treated me and my SB the same from day 1.
He loves him as much (if not more than) his dad, even though they had a similar amount of contact - 3 days a week with dad, my dad at their house for around 3 days a week. There is nothing but unconditional love there!
Also, to say that because a child is not related to you means you won't gain unconditional love is clearly defined by adopters! And if OP becomes a permanent part of these children's lives, then regardless of what happens to the relationship they will still want to see her and be a part of her life!

No advice on what to do in the actual situation though

I really feel your pain in this OP, I have the same issue. To the point where I actually feel constantly on edge waiting for one of them to come in and dread staying at OH's.

I'm a light sleeper and disturbed easily, and struggle to sleep at all when one of OH's kids is in the bed, or even worse both of them (SD3 and SS7)!

Even aside from how awkward I feel being in such an intimate situation with children that aren't mine - so I'm constantly worried about waking them, or I'm feeling a foot in my back and don't know who's touching me - it's just so uncomfortable, a double bed isn't meant for 4 people, or even 3. A 3 year old can take up a lot of room when they're starfishing! It's uncomfortable, hot and stuffy and I really don't like it.

At the moment it's easy for me to avoid staying with OH when the children are there as he only has them EOW, but I don't know what I'll do when that's not the case. I can't even go into their beds instead because they've got tiny bunks, and also I don't want it to seem hostile, like they get in so I walk out.

My OH actually does understand that I'm uncomfortable with it so doesn't pressure me to stay, but he also doesn't really help make things easier when circumstances mean I have to. Last time SD got in with us he did try and put her back in her own bed, but she's used to quite a long bedtime routine with OH and he didn't do even a fraction of that to try and settle her again, he just gently told her to close her eyes and go to sleep so obviously she didn't settle and ended up back in our bed.

Like your OH, mine is also very grateful and appreciative of the things I do and the way I am with the children, but I think sometimes these things cloud his vision and he forgets that somethings will not feel natural to me and may not be appropriate for someone who's not their mum.

It's very difficult, I do empathise with you.

Also, to say that because a child is not related to you means you won't gain unconditional love is clearly defined by adopters!

Ah but Floo, adoption is different as you are the parent so you make the rules and do what you're comfortable with. When you're a step, you often don't get much say and can only go so far as you don't want to step on any toes. Plus the kids aren't looking for that relationship with you as they (normally) already have 2 parents.

Could they have an alarm clock set for 'cuddle time'? A time they can come in that's not too early!! Maybe you could make breakfast in bed for everyone and sit on the bed if that would be less invasive for you? They are his dc but it is your space too!!

That's a good idea about the alarm. I might suggest that. Obviously that won't work with the two year old but I am a bit more flexible on that one due to her young age. Over time if she sees her sisters do things she usually follows suit anyway.

I do tend to get up and make the breakfast etc and do all the things I wouldn't normally get the chance to do when they're in bed so the breakfast in bed is also a fair suggestion.

Thanks for all your replies. It's been helpful.

Sorry I'm confused.

Are his children sleeping in the bed with you and DP all night or are they just getting in with you in the mornings?

If.its the latter I see absolutely no issue at all and my DPs kids (10,7,5 and 2) all clamber in in the morning even though there's no space and I love it. I think it's nice for all of us to have that moment together before we all have to do our own things.

They are still so young and there is nothing 'weird' in my eyes about it at all. They obviously feel.comfortable with you which is a good thing

I have no children of my own but maybe it made a difference that I come from a large, tactile and huggy family, maybe it doesn't come as natural to you do you think?

I would hate that! Can I suggest, that he comes to you when he doesn't have his DC, and then you can spend time alone, to see how things go!