DSS behaviour normal? Or is there a problem?

[Ohb0llocks]

Really struggling with DSS’s behaviour at the minute.

Bit of background, we have him each weekend, and during the week too whenever we can after school. Recently his behaviour has been a massive decline. He has always been somewhat difficult, but in the past week just from school he has been told off for not listening, stabbing another child with a pencil, and showing his willy to another student.

I have a DS aged 3, and another on the way. I don’t think the new baby is a factor in the behaviour (although I’m happy to be corrected on that, I’m sure that someone with experience of this will be along?). The problem behaviour stems from before this. It’s getting to the point now where I’m dreading the weekend. His behaviour towards DS isn’t the best, he won’t let him play with ‘his’ toys but is happy to play with DS’s, he does things to purposefully wind DS up such as refusing to stop staring at him (like literally widening his eyes and getting in his face, sounds petty to me but to a child it’s a pretty big deal). He also calls DS a baby all the time which is frustrating, I don’t want him thinking it’s babyish to be upset. His tantrums are also pretty extreme, he will kick things, scream bloody murder, slam things, stomp, smash his toys (and DS’) he managed to cut his hand hitting a door the other week. I just don’t know what to do.

He recently smashed his tablet by hitting his dog with it at his mums, and has kicked a strangers dog in the past, and also poked a duckling with a stick.

DP isn’t helping he situation whatsoever, he will not accept that there is possibly an issue, and that this isn’t ‘normal’ 4 year old behaviour. I can hear him downstairs on the phone to him now telling him we will start using a star chart and he can have stars for basically acting like a normal human being (being nice to animals, being good at school etc). And telling him what nice rewards he can have. He has been naughty whilst on the phone and now he is saying ‘ok you can have a star for eating all your tea’. DS doesn’t use his star chart anymore because to be honest, it just ended in some weird competition where DP was absolutely determined that DSS had to get the most stars, and to be quite honest, apart from a few blips he doesn’t really need one.

It’s getting to a point where I’m at the end of my tether. I love DP to bits but honestly at the minute this is getting too much and I don’t want it impacting my son, and I honestly don’t know if I trust DSS around a baby (obviously he wouldn’t be unsupervised around a baby anyway but I’m sure people see what I mean).

It’s so hard because I want to help him and get to the root of whatever is causing these issues but if DP continues to not acknowledge there is an issue then there’s absolutely bugger all I can do really.

His mum does try but she works full time and like I say he’s with us at the weekends, so she’s limited really and it seems that all he gets is shouted at and told off by them which clearly is getting nobody anywhere!

Anyone still reading thank you, and any advice as to whether I’m over reacting and this is normal behaviour, or what the hell I can do about it to try and make him happy and minimise this kind of behaviour would be massively appreciated.

He sounds like a handful. How long has this been going on? Does he do it at nursery or school? You are not overreacting, and to be completely honest, the second he hurt an animal I would have been marching him down to the doctors to discuss his behaviour. Not least because I assume he's been taught not to treat animals, or even other people, in that way? I don't blame you for not wanting to trust him around a new baby. It doesn't sound like normal behaviour. I have a 4 year old that is having some behavioural issues and is needing help and support for it, but it's nowhere near as extreme as your DSS. Personally I would find a day where you, your partner and DSS mother (and possibly her DP if she has one) can sit down and really discuss it. Just be honest and say it's worrying you.

I don't know what else to suggest, because if your DP and ex don't see that there is a problem and wont entertain the idea, then there's not much you can do

Just had an argument with DP about it. He came upstairs to talk about it and I just said I think you’re part of the problem, you enable him, for example giving him stars on a star chart even though he’s in trouble etc.

I also said ‘you just won’t have it from anyone will you’ and I got back’ not from you, no. And straight onto the defensive trying to attack my parenting. ‘You have your way I have mine’. I’m a big advocate of ‘gentle’ parenting, discussing things, consequences, how certain actions may make us feel, treating children with respect etc. Whereas he is the time out/star chart type.

How do you get through to someone who just won’t listen. Feel like we will be so much better off just me and DS, but then I don’t want DS to be upset about losing his stepdad and stepbrother. Shitty situation and I feel like I’m the only one that’s trying to bloody help the poor child.

He is 4 yrs old, you have a 3 yr old and another on the way .

He is jealous and insecure

• Mum works and he comes to you every weekend - so she gets the week shit and no fun time - that must be hard for both of them.

His Dad has 2 more DCs who see him more and he is the add on.

He needs quality time with his Mum - not just after school and he needs to be made to feel secure.

He is telling you all in 4 yr old language which is hit scratch and behave badly that he is unhappy. Probably not intentional by anyone but he is. If he is bad he gets the attention he craves and he will already ahve worked out that your 3 yr old shares his Dads attention so he gets less and new baby is going to reduce it even further. This screams insecure unhappy child.

It might be working for the adults but it is not working for him - timings need to change and rather than volume quality time with both parents.

I’ve suggested the time thing but again, falls on deaf ears.

Neither parent wants to go to alternate weekends. It was supposed to happen when she either started full time work or he started school. It used to be 3 weekends here 1 with mum but then we were constantly having him her weekend anyway.

My worry is that less time here will mean less attention for him. Although when he is here he does get 90% of DPs attention. Me and DS tend to either join in with what they’re playing, or do our own thing.

It doesn't sound like normal behaviour to me but I think you all need to try and find out what the root cause is. Like another PP said maybe he is unhappy but doesn't know why or can't explain why. Ask him. Reassure him. Does he open up at all to his mum, his dad or you ? You all need to come together and agree a way to deal with this, part of the problem is there's at least 3 adults (not sure if mum has a DP) all with maybe a slightly different way of parenting him - he's probably confused. At least if you all have the same house rules, follow same lines of discipline and rewards etc it's consistent where ever he is. I've had a bit of a nightmare with my own 2 DC and have invested in "calmer, easier, happier parenting" by Noel Janis-Norton .... easy to find on Amazon...its had brilliant reviews on here. I can't say whether it works or not it yet I'm only 1 day in. Good luck.

Why do you have him every week-end if his mum works FT?

In any case, it sounds like you've been caught is a circle of accusing/defending with your OH which will take you nowhere. Neither of you are wrong, I agree with your OH that you have different methods. It is the case then psychologists will recommand a more softer method to deal with difficult children because most of them tend to suffer from low self-esteem/confidence which impacts on their bad behaviour. The more you punish them, the more their esteem goes down, the worse their behaviour becomes.

Saying that, although the positive attitude/chart works, it doesn't take away from the fact that all children need boundaries and sticking to what they are told, so if your OH doesn't do that, his approach won't work.

I have known very difficult toddlers like your DSS who turn out to be the most well behaved children/teenagers. My DS wasn't as bad as your DSS in that he was never aggressive, but he did have the worse tantrums amongst his group and was just really difficult, but he is now almost 15 and is a very easy lovely teenager, so I would suggest not to say anything to your OH to indicate that he might have a problem, as if someone had said that about my boy then, I too would have responded defensively.

Saying that you do have to protect your son, but I'm wondering whether he is jealous of him as justtired indicated. After all, he has a mum who only has him to deal with chores (evenings/morning week) and a SM at the week-ends who is fed up with him (understandably).

It always come down to the same advice here, but maybe you'd be better to take a step back and let your OH deal with him, tantrum and bad behaviour whilst you focus on your son and baby to come.

He recently smashed his tablet by hitting his dog with it at his mums, and has kicked a strangers dog in the past, and also poked a duckling with a stick
He needs professional help. That is certainly not normal 4 year old behaviour

He doesn’t open up much no. When you try to discuss behaviour with him he tends to clam up and say ‘I don’t know’ and get upset so when he does I don’t want to upset him more by keep pressing it.

We have mentioned alternate weekends to her 5 or 6 times now she doesn’t want to for some unbeknown reason which is probably a big part of the issue! She tends to just accuse DP of losing interest and making out like he can’t be bothered with him. He’s unwilling to change anything now so close to the new baby being due incase he feels more pushed out.

Really appreciate all the advice too, it’s a bloody minefield!!

I really cannot understand how a FT working mum wouldn't want to spend some of her week-ends with her 4yo. The week time with my kids were mostly about routines, a number of them being about me telling them to do things they would have rather chosen not to do. Week-ends were about fun, quality time together, being relaxed with each other, etc... I found it hard enough sharing the week-ends with their dad, I can't imagine not having any of that time at all.

Does she at least spend all her holiday days off with him?

@swingofthings I agree with you completely, I absolutely cannot fathom it at all.

I don’t think she does to be honest, the last time she had a day off was to have a clear out or something so not much fun for him. She did ring and ask if we would have him but We couldn’t.

you all need to all of you all the adults together sit and get professional help family therapy and agree on strategies...at the heart of this is an unhappy child who lashes out because he doesn't have the tools or language to say why he is hurting ad angry.

rewarding him positively for any good behavior is a good approach - nice eating, well done for sitting nicely, great playing, etc. yes, reward encourage all the good behavior.

get some help with this. but focus on getting all the adults onboard

Not normal behaviour, particularly the aggression towards animals. Imagine hitting the poor dog so hard the tablet broke?? How has that alone not got him into serious trouble?? He needs to be under absolutely no illusions that such violent behaviour towards other creatures is unacceptable.

Does he get any one on one time with you or his dad? Perhaps he is feeling a bit pushed from pillar to post or a little unwanted by his mum if he doesn't get to see that much of her. If she works ft I imagine they only get a couple of hours together each evening before bedtime. Perhaps he could do with some quality time spent with each of you individually, even if means occasionally making the effort for you to go out with him without your DS or for your DH to take him out for a bit of one on one boding time every weekend.

Can he come to live with you full time and see his mum every other Saturday/Sunday/week day of her choice? He will be very aware he isn't wanted at home and probably confused when he's with you (by the differing parenting styles etc). He sound desperately unhappy and no, not behaving normally.

I explain to my eldest DS when he's done wrong, been naughty etc and why and explain why - i stay calm and come down to his level so I'm not towering over him. If he's throwing a tantrum (DS is 3.5yro) I just repeat to him to calm down, and talk nicely I can hear you better. Ask him what makes him sad or angry. Also ask him what makes him happy. Tell him when he does things well etc. I understand you have probably tried all these techniques, hope some of the suggestions on here help.

You need a trsined family therapist or child psychologist to get to the bottom of why he angry...he won't have the words for such a complex situation. He isn't angry because a toy broke ....

It sounds to me that he would be better living with you. When does his mum even see him? I should imagine if she is working full time that he will even be eating his dinner at childcare then she will just do bath and bed with no quality time at all? She sounds stressed and it sounds like she wants weekends to recover.

If he was living with you he could fit into a better routine and then his mum could see him for fun times every other weekend?

Not having kids myself (but understanding the chore of full time work with a commute) I'm not sure if she would find this acceptable. Then there is also the issue that if he comes to you full time his dad needs to parent him and not pass on the extra work to you.

It sounds really difficult :(

We have mentioned him coming to us through the week and she has point blank refused.

He is at school now, and they are also starting to pick up on behaviour so at least it won’t just be me bringing it up, they may have more ideas on how best to support him.

Spoke to DP about it last night and basically told him it’s not about him or his feelings, but about what’s best for DSS and he is unhappy and would benefit from more time with his mum (if she gets on bord with it that is)!

I’ve also shown him this thread so hopefully he will take it on more coming from other people.

Rewarding good behaviour, as your DP is doing, is probably a good idea. Giving attention for good stuff reduces the need to play up to get attention.

If you have money for therapy; great. If not, the NHS are too stretched to do much and the waiting list is ridiculous. School might be your best source of help.

One to one time with his dad would be ideal, as pp have said. Not on expensive treats, just the park and a nice chat on the way home. Some time just for him.

See if school will get educate.psycholigist in to o we've him then set up a meeting with all adults involved.
You don't have control.ovee his mother but you can implement strategies at your place.
Also read thru the book how to talk so kids will.listen and listen...
It has some good idews.
But someone professinal.will have the tools to talk to him e.g. play therapy etc

To observe him

Poor child. He is desperately crying out for help.

You and his Mum (and DP) must sit down and discuss how you are going to support this little boy.

100% agree with justtiredofcoping. Not really much point anyone else saying anything! She nails it on the head. Pretty obvious what the problem is.

The question is, what are the adults going to do about it?

That all sounds very difficult, maybe he needs an assessment and the school will help to facilitate this or maybe his life is too chaotic and he can't cope. Sounds like his mum doesn't want him at weekends