Ex Wife Issues

[Applecart1]

Hi Everyone,

I've just joined up as I have no one else really to talk to who may be in a similar situation.

My husband has two children 4 & 8 yrs with his ex wife. I have one daughter (via sperm donor, so no ex on the scene) and I am 4 months pregnant with our baby.

I am struggling a bit at the moment (could be crazy hormones), with the amount of constant contact my husband has with his ex. They had a volatile relationship, she cheated and they lived apart for many years, despite deciding to have a second child - something neither I, nor his family, can understand.

I'm not worried or threatened he will go back as they really do clash in every way, but she has firmly ingrained herself in both our lives and his family's. We FaceTime his kids on the nights they are with her and vice versa when we have them (Thurs-Sat each wk). The problem is she is on the phone with them every time so she is always part of the conversation. She has set up a group WhatsApp for me, hubby, her and her BF and it's a constant stream of chit chat, photo's, activity ideas, the lot and that's before you add in the texts they send between them and the phone calls about the kids' behaviour.

She is always at his Dad's, as she lives up the road, and involves herself in all his family member's affairs to the point where she is gossiping about our relationship to them behind our backs, going on what info she can siphon from her son (8).

My husband understands my annoyance but I don't have an ex so he can't truly get it. None of my friends have an ex or are a step parent so can't understand either.

The majority of the time I suck it up but it's starting to really get on my wick now, especially as I'm planning for when baby arrives etc. It's like he has two families and we come second. i really am not worried about him cheating it's more of a lack of respect of my position in the family. There isn't room for me in it while she is charging around on full throttle.

If anyone has any helpful advice I'd be so grateful x

Remove yourself and DH from the WhatsApp group. Tell her she has to deal with the DC behaviour at her house you and DH will deal with it at yours. Can you limit face time to once or twice and DH just have normal phone conversation with them. Perhaps arrange a weekly discussion about the DC at handover time or said day for anything general and anything important that comes up just requires a simple text / phone call.
If it annoys FIL that she's there he should first speak to her if she doesn't improve then DH should have a word. How long have you and DH been together? Is this new and or recent behaviour from her?

This happens because your husband allows it - it's him that you have to get on board.
On the one hand, I think it is nice for his dc that mum and dad are friendly and talk. That can only be good. But there is such a thing as too much.
I'm wondering what their agreement was when they had a 2nd child. Did they deliberately set up this one big family scenario with shared chat groups etc and just expect any new dp to just slot in and accept it? Or did it happen by accident?
Honestly you need to talk to your husband and get to the bottom of how all this came about.
If you want distance then as suggested you need to remove yourselves from chat groups, limit the face time (let the kids talk to mum in their room) or phone them if they are at hers.
You can ask relatives not to discuss you and dh with her. Not sure you can stop her visiting them but you can definitely ask thst they don't gossip about you.

I think you need to get some boundaries in place by removing both yourself and him from the group chat and ask him to decrease the texting by only replying to messages where she asks questions.
When your baby arrives the dynamic will change and you may see her trying to exert a bit more control but actually it won't be anything to do with her and she'll have to back off a bit. It sounds a bit like she doesn't want her children to have their slightly separate live with their dad so is trying to involve herself but the reality of being separated is that will happen.

You know what. I would much prefer you mr situation to the one I have where my DPs ex is so hostile it's damaging. She's accepting you which is so important for the children who have the freedom to grow up loving you and their new sibling. Be careful what you wish for and keep your (potential) enemies close are two phrases that I immediately though of when I read your post.

I agree. I would leave things for the moment. If you cause s big row by removing yourself and dh then it's going to be very unsettling for the children when the new baby arrives.

I'd be worried she would be hinting to them that the new baby is replacing them and you want less contact. I'd give it 6 months for everything to settle with your new arrival and rethink them,

Congratulations.

Thank you so much everyone. Your advice is great and I feel reassured that my feelings aren't unreasonable!

I have had a word with him and he is going to reset the boundaries. At the same time I have said that the last thing we want is any hostility because I also understand that it would be awful for the children if that were the case.

I think it's a combination of the fact that she has a very overpowering and controlling personality and nature and the entire family seems to go along with what she wants. Last Christmas I managed to stop us going for a giant family Christmas Eve dinner she'd automatically booked us all on (!) which hopefully set a bit of a precedent but, since then, things have slipped.

My husband knows this is his responsibility to sort out and he needs to reset boundaries. I've received some really helpful ideas from you all and you've really helped me so thank you. I've never used this site before but I will be using it again! It's so nice Mum's / women can offer support and advice to one another. Thank you all x

I completely understand that it is alot of communication between you and your partner, and his ex. I would just like to say though, that is like the dream, pie in the sky scenario for people like me and my DP! (apart for the gossiping).
My DP's ex wife wont even allow phone calls between DSS and DP..trying to arrange contact in holidays becomes an ordeal as its always around what she wants...its such a nightmare, so count yourself lucky that all is needed is to tone it down. Could be much worse. There are apps available, where all members of the family can schedule things and add photos etc, so theres no direct communication as such but all parties can contribute to child activities and sharing info. I'm not saying what you're feeling is wrong, at all, just pointing out that the flipside is living hell x

I think this is all very sad tbh.

We have the "dream pie in the sky" situation. Luckily DCs step mum is totally on board with it all. We have a whatsapp group, shared calendar, a big family Xmas meal with everyone there.

I and the DC would be gutted if the security or that was taken away because a girlfriend didn't like it.

I feel sorry for the kids missing out on a Christmas Eve meal with their whole family. Do they know that you were the reason?

The Christmas Eve meal went ahead, I just didn’t go. I would never allow the children to miss out on anything, they come first at the end of the day. Things have really improved, we have spoken to her and she completely understood and hadn’t realised what what she was doing. She means well and said, now she saw what she’d been doing,she would feel the same if she was in my shoes.

The children are not affected at all as it’s not communication with them that was causing any problems. It makes me sad when people assume the worst of you just because you admit to feeling human feelings. We are not all super women and we should support each other not criticise each other. Thank you for your posts, they have been very helpful and allowed me to see things from all angles and thankfully the situation has been improved.

I’m his wife and I’m pregnant with his baby so please read things properly before drafting and short, unhelpful reply