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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Why does he make it such a struggle....

19 replies

Carryon14 · 15/09/2017 19:07

Does anyone else struggle to get H communicate when his DCs are conning to stay? I've tried everything to get him to tell me and he doesn't. I find out when they arrrive at the door. What do others do to solve this issue?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

stepmum100 · 16/09/2017 10:04

This seems pretty unfair on you, how old are the children?
My step daughter has a routine which we all stick to but if theres a chAnge her mum and I communicate with each other because my husband is useless at communicating anything!!
Maybe go through the kids if they are older, put a calender up and ask if they can just mark down when they are coming, say you need to meal plan!!

BringMeSunshinePlease · 16/09/2017 10:06

We have a routine where they come to stay regular days but I do know what you mean. He has contact with them and refuses to tell me what it's about. If it's nothing to do with me I wouldn't mind but often it involves what we'll all be doing or an extra seat for dinner which I only find out if I ask specific questions. Drives me nuts, it's like a game of secrets and I'm the constant outsider.

stepmum100 · 16/09/2017 10:25

It sounds like he isn't considering your efforts / feelings towards his children. My husband would probably be the same though if I didnt take control 😂.
Men think we are mind readers!

Wdigin2this · 16/09/2017 11:13

What he's doing is putting his head in the sand!
If he doesn't tell you they're coming till they turn up on the door....there's no discussion, consideration, possibility of change, possibility of telling the kids you have other plans, upsetting his day with arguments, and basically no up front confrontation!
I can imagine/appreciate your thoughts on this, but looking at it from his (selfish) point of view, why would he do any different??

Wdigin2this · 16/09/2017 11:13

Stepmum10 generally we are!

abbsisspartacus · 16/09/2017 11:15

Get on with your own life if the kids show up it's up to him to deal with

BringMeSunshinePlease · 16/09/2017 11:25

The advice to get on with your own life and let him deal with it is all very well except that, from my point of view I love my partner very much and would like to support him and help where possible. My "own life" involves him very much.

Aderyn17 · 16/09/2017 11:29

But how important are you to his life if he doesn't keep you informed or consider your plans? Cuts both ways Bring.
To deliberately shut out a partner, says something unhealthy is going on in the relationship

BringMeSunshinePlease · 16/09/2017 11:41

I think he keeps quiet as he thinks it's easier that way. I don't think it's very healthy at all. If I knew how hard it would all have been I'd have thought very hard about getting involved in the first place.

swingofthings · 16/09/2017 12:03

Do you mean not tell you the time, the day, the week-end? Isn't contact set? Or is it a case of teenagers who come whenever they want?

When you say he isn't communicating, do you mean he isn't making the first move to inform you or he isn't responding when you are asking?

BringMeSunshinePlease · 16/09/2017 12:14

If I ask the questions he'll answer but it's knowing what to ask. I know roughly what day but have to ask times and if they're being picked up or bus. I never know what the weekend plans are, I am usually alone while he takes them out or they do their own thing.

Aderyn17 · 16/09/2017 12:37

Does he know that he is causing the sort of problems he is seeking to avoid, Bring?
If he's not aware and is just doing that head in the sand thing, then you have to make it very clear that you feeling like an outsider in your own home is totally unacceptable.
He made a choice to be in a relationship with you, so he has to give you due consideration. Or the relationship will become untenable.
Do you get along with the kids generally?

Aderyn17 · 16/09/2017 12:39

I don't think him doing things alone with them is bad - they need time alone with their father, but unless you were the OW and this is a recent breakup, it's not good to alwaus exclude you. And you do have a right to know plans in advance so you can sort your own plans. That is just basic manners.

BringMeSunshinePlease · 16/09/2017 13:02

No im not the OW, we met after the marriage break up. I'm happy with them doing things together and I quite like my own company some of the time, but this is every other weekend for most of the weekend. We had a situation a couple of weeks ago where I was asked by a friend to meet for lunch. I told her I'd like to but would check first that there weren't plans at home I was unaware of. I thought this was basic courtesy to DP. When I checked he'd already made plans with the kids that I wasn't involved in. I was pretty pissed off and told him. I did go out with friend but wished he'd shown me the same courtesy. Sorry I've hijacked this thread!! X

WhiteCat1704 · 16/09/2017 13:25

My DH excluded me like that too at the beginning..When I eventually couldn't take it anymore and we started talking he was saying that's because he didn't think I was interested in being included..he thought I prefered to do my own things and he didn't want to bother me. After that it went the other way and he wanted to do EVERYTHING together didn't want me to feel excluded EVER..I was sick of it very quickly..

Initially though he just wasn't as invested in the relationship..he didn't think we were going to last..when he become properly involved priorities shifted for him hence he didn't want me excluded at all..

Re him to saying when SC are coming - we went through that too! But I have to say I said I need structure or I'm moving out and he did try to provide it..unfortunately the ex was very very resistant and so was SD..He did try though and made huge changes for me so we are still together.

Original poster

Carryon14 · 16/09/2017 16:39

I've been out all, out the door really early to DS sport activity, dropped him home, then went out again. I'm sick of it, what's annoying is he has every opportunity this week to mention that they are coming and just like every other weekend he doesn't. For whatever reason he chooses not too. I just don't get any of, it's basic manners.

OP posts:

Aderyn17 · 16/09/2017 17:28

OP, you are going to have to draw your line in the sand. If he doesn't listen and change how he goes about things are you prepared to leave?

Original poster

Carryon14 · 16/09/2017 18:23

Aderyn17 I honestly don't know what to do, it's my home, my DSs home too. I leave and I have nothing, all my finances are tied into the house. It's not right that I have to leave my own home all day today just to prove a point. I don't get why he simply can't just tell me.

OP posts:

Aderyn17 · 16/09/2017 20:42

I feel for you. He is being very unfair.
All I can suggest is that you totally lay it on the line with him so that he knows how much this is upsetting you and why. He owes you an explanation. If he knows how upset you are and doesn't care enough to change then you do have tough choices to make.
Hard as it is to sell a house and start again, you don't want to stay and be unhappy - the house will end up feeling like a millstone round your neck rather than a home.

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