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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step daughter being taken to India - DP's rights?

12 replies

Louba · 04/04/2007 15:06

Not sure if anyone can help me with this one:Dp's ex wants to relocate to India for 3 years. Obviously stepdaughter (aged 11) is going with them. DP has maintained brilliant contact with sd for many years. He does a 2 hour journey to pick her up every other Friday without fail, we also have her for as long as we can in the holidays. He has paid voluntary maintenance for ages, and takes his fathering very seriously. DP really doesnt want her to go as the regular contact we have with her will be so greatly diminished, and DP and I have a 9 month old son who sd absolutely dotes on. She cried the other day saying that if she went away, ds would grow up and wouldn't know her (certainly not prompted in ANY way by us). V upsetting, all I did was comfort her and say that she'd be back in the holidays to see us etc and that he'd always know who she was. DP has angered his ex by not giving his permission for her to leave the country, but I believe ex can take him to court (she has already seen a solicitor apparently). Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation?? Obviously am aware that ex is of course entitled to her own life/happiness too, but not sure it is really what sd wants. Grateful for any advice.

OP posts:

sweetheart · 04/04/2007 15:15

no experience I'm affraid - hopefully someone will be along to help. Only thing I can think is - is his contact agreed via a court order or is it arranged between dp and ex? I would say see a solicitor or go to CAB and see what they recommend. I would imagine that at 11 your sd would have a say in what happens to her - although I've no idea if I'm right.

If ex has already seen a solicitor than you have a perfect right to do the same.

CarGirl · 04/04/2007 15:19

would be an option for sd to move in with you for 3 years?????

MuminBrum · 04/04/2007 15:36

How upsetting. But how serious do you think this is? A few years ago, an LP I know was firmly convinced she was relocating to the USA with her son, on the basis of what was essentially a holiday romance with an American. Cue panic on part of her ex. Needless to say, it all came to nothing.

Original poster

Louba · 04/04/2007 15:41

Thanks for your responses ladies - we have contacted CAB and have an appointment with family solicitor in a week's time - that might bear some fruit I guess. We'd love to have her live with us, but I don't think her mum will want that to happen. I'm a bit worried that she'll be losing all her close friends as well at that horrible time of starting periods, wearing bras etc (she's nearly 12). I know she'll make new friends, as she's a wonderful little girl, incredibly friendly and affectionate, I just remember what it was like when I was 12...

OP posts:

Original poster

Louba · 04/04/2007 15:45

Muminbrum, dp's husband has been offered a job over there, and he accepted it before they even told DP about the move!!!! It is I'm afraid very real. DP totally shattered and beside himself - they're meant to be going in the summer!

OP posts:

MuminBrum · 04/04/2007 15:50

I'm so sorry. I hope you didn't think I was trivialising your concerns. I would have thought there were all sorts of issues that would need to be worked out - not just contact, although that's hugely important, but her education too? Have they found an appropriate school for her, for example?

Original poster

Louba · 04/04/2007 15:55

I didn't think you were trivialising at all Muminbrum! Not at all - in fact I thought/hoped the same when I first heard the conversation on the phone! (dp is from Brum as it happens!!) I think they have sorted out a good school from what I can gather. I just have a feeling that dp won't have a leg to stand on if it goes to court - what do you think?

OP posts:

crumpet · 04/04/2007 16:14

I don't have any experience of step parenting, but as a teenager my family moved abroad for a few years - I was adamant that I didn't want to go and be uprooted to somewhere I had never been, lots of tears at leaving friends etc, but after taking a while to settle, did end up having the most wonderful time. Such a valuable life experience and in many ways a privilege to experience other cultures first hand.

Of course the difference for me was that my family moved too - I didn't leave a parent behind. But I hope, if it does turn out that your sd moves, that this might provide a little reassurance even if she doesn't like the idea of going.

Brangelina · 10/04/2007 12:12

Louba, I don't know if this still exists, but when I was young my dad made me a ward of court to stop my mother moving me abroad. This was in the 70s, though, so maybe the law has changed since then. I should imagine that if your DP has parental responsibility then he does have a say in important long term decisions like this.

Original poster

Louba · 10/04/2007 14:11

Thanks Brangelina - he has parental responsibility, and has refused to give his permission for her to go, however, I think his ex wife is going to take him to court anyway. Thanks for the reassurance too Crumpet, am sure she will have a wonderful time if she does go - what an amazing opportunity it would be- and am trying not to be too selfish in wanting her to stay in the UK, and trying to focus on the benefits for her rather on how much we will miss her... it's hard though!!

OP posts:

ElenorRigby · 13/04/2007 00:27

Im no expertbut as understand it your partner could apply to the courts for a prohibitive steps order which if granted would stop his ex removing the child from the country.
However if the ex was able to prove to the court that your dp's dd would have access to good job housing and schooling the court would in the vast majority of cases allow the mother to remove the child from the jurisdication as the courts favour the relationship with the primary carer who due to the state of family law is nearly always the mother over the relationship with even the best of fathers

ElenorRigby · 13/04/2007 00:32

Im no expert but as understand it your partner could apply to the courts for a prohibitive steps order which if granted would stop his ex removing the child from the country.
However if the ex was able to prove to the court that your dp's dd would have access to good housing and schooling and that his ex has a job, the court would in the vast majority of cases allow the mother to remove the child from the jurisdication as the courts favour the relationship of the child with the resident parent, (who due to the state of family law in the UK, is nearly always the mother) over the relationship with even the best of fathers

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