Hi, so glad I found someone to talk to. I'll try to be brief (!). I'm 42 and have a daughter who's 12 from my first marriage. Two years ago I met a wonderful man, and we got married last February. He has a son, also 12, from his marriage. When we met, he and his wife were in the final stages of divorce, and it was always assumed that my husband's son would live with his mum, as is the norm. However, there was a lot of upset last summer, his ex was very vindictive and started to use the child to score points etc, so after a lot of heartache and involvement from family court officers, my husband was awarded residency. We went from expecting that we would have one child to having them both, and I'm finding it very difficult to be a step parent, though I know my husband was always expected to be a step parent to my daughter. The problem is that the kids don't get on at all, and I know at the beginning I overcompensated and let my step son find his feet, as I was aware he must feel very mixed up at being with me, rather than his mum. They've both gone from being an only child to having to live together, they're both finding it hard. Coupled with this, I think my step son may have ADD, or mild autism, as he has difficulty getting himself together, remembering things, behaving appropriately (not just at home, at school too)- not just recently, but for several years. My hisband, however, doesn't think so, and says it's only that I compare him to my daughter and they're very different. It MAY just be that they've been brought up differently, though my sister works with autistic children and says he does display a lot of mild traits (not liking food to touch other items on the plate etc), but every time I raise it, it has the potential for a row. I know my husband feels guilty that he's at work and not around for his son, and I try to understand this, but I didn't ever think I'd be in the situation of being a step parent, and I need some advice. Can I get personal counselling from anywhere to help me be a better, more understanding step mum? I find I get resentful and upset that my step son doesn't behave like my daughter, yet I do appreciate he's only 12 and I need to be patient. It's so difficult not to compare the two, especially as they are the same age. I know all children are different, but his behaviour is very demanding. I gave up work so that, after all the turmoil, I'd be at home for both of them, and I am happy to do this, but every day feels like a battle. This morning he had a tantrum and refused to go to school. I called his dad who was on the train to work, and when he spoke to him my husband was bolstering him up, when I really wanted him to support me and tell him to get off to school. Sorry, that wasn't brief at all, was it. I just feel so low, yet know I'm the adult here and need to help my step son and my daughter to get on.
Any advice gratefully received...