Christmas presents

[Humptydumptyisanumpty]

Sorry this is so early to be discussing Christmas but we have the same argument every year about present buying and I want to know who you think is being unreasonable.

DH has 2 dc both teenagers now and we have one ds together. Every year he spends around 200/300 on his dc presents, buying laptops or the latest games console etc. Now I wouldn't have a problem with this is he contributed to our ds presents but he doesn't. I have to start saving in September to buy all his Christmas and birthday presents (ds birthday before payday in Jan) and split the pile in half, I usually spend around 250 in total.

I think that he should contribute to all three childrens presents, he thinks that I am doing it anyway and only have to buy for one I am being unfair to expect him to help, as he has more children. I honestly don't see why instead of spending £300 on each dc, he can't spend £250 on the two older dc and give me £100 towards ds, as he is younger and doesn't need as much.

This turns into a row every year, as he then spends at least anther 100 on their birthdays and ds gets nothing from him for either.

Our finances aren't joint, all bills are split equally except for childcare as I earn more and pay for that but once that has been paid for, I have not that much left over.

Am I being selfish in thinking he should help? The argument has been going on so long now that I'm not so sure anymore.

He is wrong and should be contributing to his and your son's Christmas presents as well. If there is ever an arguement when he is older and someone brings this up and he accidentally over hears, what would he feel like that his own dad can buy his other children presents and not him :(((

I do think a SP should contribute something towards their SC presents too

But if she doesn't, that doesn't mean he can opt out of buying youngest some presents. If the op's child wasn't his child then fair enough it would be a case of "why should I buy your child anything if you won't buy mine anything?" But that's not what it is here. All of the children are his and regardless of whether the op buys his children anything, he should be putting all of his children first.
From what you've been saying swing it just seems like it should come with terms and conditions whether a man should provide for his child with a new partner. That is, if the new partner doesn't provide for his children then he can opt out with his youngest. Don't you think that's bordering on blackmail??

But Swing OP has already said she does buy her stepchildren presents for both Christmas and their birthdays??

So she's actually contributing more towards her stepkids than her OH is contributing to his own child!

Swing - She is contributing towards her SC. Way too much actually. She pays all the childcare for their youngest herself (thats a cost £800-1000/month) and makes sure they have equal amount left at the end of the month. That enables him to pay maintanace and buy expensive gifts for his children and have equal amount of money left at the end of the month. She earns more and it sounds like she is paying for their DS all on her own while he supports himself and SC only. Oh she also pays half for SC holidays.

OP this is not right. He is taking advantage of your good nature. I suspect he has been a crap father to SC and is now overcompensating with expensive gifts to get rid of the guilt. At the same time he is neglecting his DS needs and being very entilteled to your money.
How is he with DS in general? Is he hands on dad? Does he play with him, feed him, take him out..does he spend quality time with him without being asked?
What are his good qualities as a father?

I think I would divorce DH if he couldn't be bothered to get DS a xmas or birthday gifts but spend hundreds on SC.

And it WILL affect DS..to have a father that doesn't care affects children.

I think I would divorce DH if he couldn't be bothered to get DS a xmas or birthday gifts but spend hundreds on SC.

Me too

He was not and is not a crap father to either dsc or ds, we see dsc regularly, he is involved in their school life and social life, they are fully involved in our family life and he has a very good relationship with them, they speak via Skype most nights.

He is a very hands on dad with ds, he will play with him, cook dinner, do washing, put him to bed some nights, gets up during the night some nights if needed, will wake up in the morning with him etc. I don't need to prompt him to do anything, he does it happily and him and ds have a really good relationship.

He may be wrong about the present contribution but other than that he is a good husband and father and it is not something I would remotely divorce him over.

He is not grabby or entitled over my money, surely it makes sense for the higher earner to pay the childcare cost if it means that the other person would be left with literally no disposable income for the month.

And it WILL affect DS..to have a father that doesn't care affects children
it won't because he does care, and they have a good relationship.

Why not just pool all money, take out all expenses, including presents, hols, childcare etc and then divide what's left. This way you are both paying for everything.

Ok OP. He sounds like a good, involved dad in your last post. Except for money and effort on buying gifts. HOW do you justify him not buying his DS a birthday gift???

Yes it would make sense for the higher earner to pay for childcare BUT he doesn't seem to contribute financially to his youngest child at all and spends way too much on gifts for the older ones.

Additinally he earns less and has more responsibilites than you-therefore he should have less money at the end of the month. You are not his keeper - why do you think it's your responsibility to ensure he has money left at the end of the month anyway?? He is in full time employment and decided to have 3 children but only contributes to 2..it really is not fair.

And DS will be affected. You won't be able to hide it from him forever..what will DH do when DS asks him for something for his birthday? Send him to you while choosing gifts for SC?

One of my and my sisters biggest wtf moments was that because our parents had separated and we got '2' Christmas (one with mum, one with dad) that our brother got an extra 200 quid spent on him off his dad (who was married to our mum).

We didn't ask for '2' christmases, I think it should all be the same, as dp and I intend to do for his ds and our dc when it arrives.

I have 2 DSD, and one DD with my Partner.

Every Christmas, we spend the same amount on all 3 of them - we (very sadly) have a spreadsheet that we list all the presents bought, together with the cost, so we can make sure they all have the same.

DSD's spend Christmas morning with their mum, and Christmas afternoon/night, through to boxing day with us. DD's pile of presents is split so she has some to open first thing Christmas morning, and the rest is opened with her sister's when we are all together. As DSD's are teenagers, their bundle is small, but mighty, so when put together it all looks the same anyways.

At the end of the day your DH has 3 children, not 2, it is very unfair of him to just pay for 2....if this were me, i would be fuming, and very close to kicking his butt!

HOW do you justify him not buying his DS a birthday gift???
I don't justify it that's the point and what the arguments are about

we (very sadly) have a spreadsheet that we list all the presents bought, together with the cost, so we can make sure they all have the same.

So do we!
The older they get the less they get to physically open but they still have the same amount spent on them.

OP, what does he say when you ask him about this or suggest he contributes?

But Swing OP has already said she does buy her stepchildren presents for both Christmas and their birthdays??
I'd miss that, so really this thread makes no sense to me at all. OP says that although they have separate account, they have the same disposable income left. That seems fair (that's how my household operates).

OP says that he spends £200-300 on each child, whilst she spends £250 on hers, so really, about the same amount is spent per child, which again, I find ludicrous when the ages are taken into consideration. OP is asking that he contribute £100 less on his children, so £50 less on each so he can contribute £100 on their common child, which means that either she is left with £100 extra disposable income, when she is already paying less on Birthday/Christmas presents than he is, that is if she reduces her spend OR the youngest child will end up with £350 spent on, so more than the older children individually.

Since OP also spends money on presents for her SC, surely, the logical thing to do is to stop giving them individual presents but contribute towards the one present they get and make it a joint present, in which case, her OH can give the difference towards their child together.

Personally, it all seems a lot of you give me/I give you back/ you give again back and fro for nothing, but if OP feels that things need to be done totally fairly on each individual child, then I just don't understand why this isn't the obvious solution.

OP said that "he wants to buy the main, expensive gifts because they are his children".

It shouldn't matter how much OP is spending on her son..his father should be buying SOMETHING for him or sharing cost 50/50 with OP..their finances aren't joint and OP has no responsibility to treat SC the same as her DS. His father is not contributing AT ALL towards his youngest son and that's grossly unfair.

SC will be getting gifts grom DM, DF, OP while her DS only gets something from OP. Not fair at all.

Put it like this to him op.
If you split up he'd have to pay childcare, maintenance, birthday presents and Christmas presents. (Any or all of these).

It seems like he contributes nothing to your DS and that's unfair and doesn't sound like a good parent to me.

OP is asking that he contribute £100 less on his children, so £50 less on each so he can contribute £100 on their common child, which means that either she is left with £100 extra disposable income, when she is already paying less on Birthday/Christmas presents than he is, that is if she reduces her spend OR the youngest child will end up with £350 spent on, so more than the older children individually.

No this isn't correct!

a) If DP contributed £100 towards DS it doesn't result in OP having £100 extra disposable income for herself as she says she has to save for months to get the money together for DS's presents. So it's not like she'd be £100 up, she just wouldn't need to try and cobble it together from September onwards by herself.

b) The two older children get £300 each for Christmas and £100+ for their birthdays, whilst DS gets £250 for Christmas and birthday combined. Even if OP did use the extra £100 on top of what she already spends, DS would still be getting less spent on him.

c) OP is the one with more presents to buy as she buys for all of the extended family, her DS and her SCs. Her DP only buys for his 2 eldest children!

I'm not bothered about the amounts, but I do think it's very hurtful that OP's DP doesn't even contribute anything towards his own son's birthday or Christmas presents, in thought or money. Even if he went out and bought him a jumper to open it would be better than what he does now!

swing I have repeatedly said that the 250 us his birthday and Christmas money together and the pile is split. I understand you don't agree with the amounts spent but that really isn't the point.

bibidy summary is correct so I spend a lot more as buyibg extended family presents from us both as well

My DS and SC have the same amount of presents to open here. SC is with us some of Xmas. DS is with us the whole time. He goes to his dad's at NY.where he gets a couple of gifts. . My DS does get a significant gift, I. E this yr is a laptop which he opens when SC isn't here which that is about £350. As SC gets stuff off his mum too where he will get his main gift and other stuff.
They both have a sack. And tree gifts.. The same among gifts and near enough the same in value.. Between our house. SC mums and DS dads they prob get pretty much the same.and we are all happy wit h that
Now I pay for all of it and I don't set an amount for either, I get what I ca n afford and I save all year too. .. And I'm happy to simply because I pay nothing towards household bills or shopping. My wages is for treats and the kids and fuel etc. Dps wage pays literally everything Inc my mobile bill so I have no issue in buying all the kids stuff as well as both families gifts.

I do contribute to his children all through the year, we go halves on holidays, I pay for food when down, if they need clothes etc when down I'll often take them out to get them etc. The only thing that isn't split is presents and because he wants to buy them and always has, he says they're his children. I buy presents for the extended family so all he pays for his their Christmas bad birthdays and nothing towards anything else.

Am i understanding this correctly - he expects you to go halves on all other costs in relation to the dsc?
He expects you to pay for the extended family presents?
You also pay the full childcare to enable him to have more disposal income?
So he's only happy when YOU are subsidising his lifestyle choices?

The only responsibility he has is birthday and christmas presents for 3 dc - yet he refuses to buy for his 3rd child because 'you can afford it on your own'?

Does he actually love and respect you or did he just marry you for your money?
He's taking the piss because you're too nice, bending over backwards to be fair to him financially and accepting his attitude.

HE chose to have a 3rd child. HE needs to adjust his budget and include this child.

If he refuses to buy for his 3rd child despite you both having equal spends - and YOU spending YOUR money on HIS kids throughout the rest of the year AND buying them separate presents........then i think you need to wake up and realise he is a SHIT dad and partner.

You're financially contributing towards ALL his children - yet he's choosing not to contribute towards your only child he has with you.

You're being taken for a mug,OP.
I suggest you stop paying for anything to do with the dsc - give him a dose of his own medicine and see how he likes it.

What's the point in you helping him have equal spending money if you and your child end up being treated unequally?

Or you could insist on a Present Fund where you both contribute an equal amount....from which ALL family presents are paid for.

Swing if the op spent £50 instead of £250 on her Ds for Christmas what should she do with the leftover money? Spend it on presents for her dh's children?

We have always bought all gifts from both of us out of our joint pot - but we have completely merged finances and always have had, as the kids all lived with us all the time and exW paid maintenance. I certainly think he should contribute towards your child's present, he is his father and I think it seems unfair the way you have it at the moment.

I never really took notice how much my DH spends on DSD and DS. I thought about it after reading this thread and have to say DSD gets more expensive gifts from both of us actually. Even I have spend more on her birthday but she is a teenager and DS is little so it doesn't bother me.

DS got a very personalised set of clothes from his DF for his birthday and I loved it. It was likely not expensive at all but it was very thoughtful and sweet. I really couldn't care less how much he spends on DSD as DS is not loosing out.

Your situation isn't like that though OP. Your DH is really not coming across as a good and caring husband and father towards his youngest son.

Thanks everyone going to sit down and talk about getting a joint pot yo include all kids and extended family.

He is a good dad with literally everything else just has a very syrangenattirufe towards present buying